THE NO CONTACT CHALLENGE - SuperDave71

[lawyer630]

Help!!!

 

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First of all I would like to say that Caveat's story is quite amazing...It gives me hope. I am turning to this thread for some advice...here's my story:

My bf and I were together for 2 1/2 years, and we just broke up 2 weeks ago today. He told me that he needed a break, and then I told him I could not do a break, so he said then let's break up. A main reason for our break up is due to my insecurities. When we met, I was this secure, outgoing, confident woman...2 1/2 years later, I am now this insecure and not confident woman, and that is why he told me that he cannot be with me anymore. Let me give you some background: after 6 months of dating, he came to me and told me that he does not love me and never will love me. Then he walked out of my apartment. Fast forward 4 months later, he emailed me tellilng me that he missed me, and I went back to him. We had a long talk and worked through this...at least I thought we did. From that point on, I was always afraid that he would come back and tell me the same words again, and I was not willing to completely let myself fall for him. I told him this and he said that we willl work through this together. I thought that he was really ready for a serious relationship, but things just did not start adding up. I found out that he had lied to me a few times about where he was, and he never introduced me to his family or friends. I know what you are all thinking...and no, he is not married/nor did he have another girlfriend. He is 8 years younger than me, and I just chalked it up to him being immature. I was 30 when we met and he was 23. Our schedules only allowed us to see each other 1 day/week in the beginning, but we were on the phone constantly, and I thought that I had a great relationship. He was finishing up grad school when we met, so I understood where he was coming from, since he is in the same profession that I am in. Fast forward another year or so, and he came to me again and broke it off with me...due to my insecurities. I knew that he was not truthful with me all of the time, for example he would tell me that he was at work when he was in the library, etc. Then he came back again the beginning of July, and here I am, 2 months later, and heartbroken. What prompted this break up is the fact that I finally confronted him on things that I had found out, and he just freaked and called me a liar. I was nothing but great to him. We are so much alike, and I really do love him with all of my heart. I tried the NC for almost 2 weeks, but then I broke down and called him because there are some personal issues I am dealing with and I needed to turn to him. He claims that he misses me and loves me and we can be the best of friends, but he says that our relationship was dysfunctional (me not trusting him 100%...basically knowing that he was not always honest with me, but I know that his lies were so insignificant). He even says that he would give his life for me, and I truly believe it. I am not making excuses for him, and I know that he is probably just "not there yet". He even spoke about marriage, and that I was the love of his life, and that I was the one who broke us up. Well, now he is concerned about my health and wants to know each and every step of my "health" issues. I do not know what to do. Should I continue to have him in my life, should I keep him aware of what is going on with me? We spoke last night and he was adamant about us never ever getting back together. HE told me that people do not change and that I will n ever be the same woman he fell in love with. I told him that if he keeps believing that, it will never work. Then I said what a shame, you will never know what would happen, and if you are willing to live with a what-if, then I will never bring this up again....So here I am, heartbroken and feeling so much pain. Does this sound like the end? SHould I have him in my life as a friend, or should I cut it off and never pick up his calls again?

[Steve 7745]

Wasn't trying to convert you from your views, just tried to let you know some of us believe what we know to be real. You seem really upset, I hope you find some peace in all this. My situation is rather unbearable at times, but we continue on. If God did not exist for me I could not see the sense of trying to go on ( for me that is). This world seems too hard to deal with sometimes.

 

Dave

 

I wasn't upset David. I just felt it was necessary to clarify my views and not mislead you into thinking I was someone I wasn't. There's a distinction between faith and religion that people may not grasp.

 

But I see your point that this world is mad. I laugh everyday I think about Sigmund Freud's words... "America is a grand experiment, but will ultimately will fail."

 

I'm not saying that we're living in the end of times, but I am saying that we've arrived at the end of our golden age. America is no longer the greatest country economically, militarily, politically... And I feel like many of our views are being poorly guided. We will recover, sooner or later. But I think we have to fall first, before we can get up.

[lkonohalanbu]

the party was okay

 

i feel horrible, i tried to force things and i feel angry at myself

 

i slept with another girl and could not orgasm, this has never happened before, i really haven't let go, i stopped in the middle because i kept thinking this isn't her

 

i feel angry for thinking that sleeping with somebody else would alleviate any stress i had and that i am still stuck on this person, so stuck, that it is effecting my sex life

 

usually i'd be gearing to go, but my emotions and my head is killing me

 

i dont find any other girl attractive at all, i'm horrible, i wanted to break no contact so bad, but me saying anything will not bring her back

 

i know i am single, but i feel like i just cheated on her, grrr....

[DavidWRosario]

plans for this weekend is going to a house party today

 

bbq tomorrow

 

and random girl asked me out to eat and the beach

 

i feel kind of weird, maybe i'm not fully ready, but i'm not expecting anything out of these invites

 

i feel like i am betraying her, but she's probably out having the time of her life, so must I

 

i'm a weirdo.

 

Your not werid,

 

More normal than you know. Stillsmilin and me have sworn off relationships for a while, just because of what you are talking about. It is like part of you has died and you are just not sure how to revive it.

 

My 20 year marriage ended - I got over that. Now I can not even salvage a working relationship for the sake of the kids. you can read my new post later. After all that, I dont think I will ever allow myself to love again.

 

Sometimes there is too much pain, too much water over the bridge, If someone asks you to go out, go, if you can. It does not mean your cheating, it is not even a date. It could be nothing more than some fellowship and a nice meal.

 

Dave

[Ixtapa]

Feeling rotten today....and PMS doesnt help

We had plans to see each other again this weekend before I decided to go NC (it was a LDR thing).....maybe that is why I can't help but feel nostalgic, hoping he will realise he loves me, come back to me and bla bla bla.....

[DavidWRosario]

I wasn't upset David. I just felt it was necessary to clarify my views and not mislead you into thinking I was someone I wasn't. There's a distinction between faith and religion that people may not grasp.

 

But I see your point that this world is mad. I laugh everyday I think about Sigmund Freud's words... "America is a grand experiment, but will ultimately will fail."

 

I'm not saying that we're living in the end of times, but I am saying that we've arrived at the end of our golden age. America is no longer the greatest country economically, militarily, politically... And I feel like many of our views are being poorly guided. We will recover, sooner or later. But I think we have to fall first, before we can get up.[/h

 

I like your thinking - I disagree - but I like your thinking.

 

1st off religion is Man trying to reach God. Thats all religions. Christianity is God reaching down to man.

 

Wasn't Freud German ? It is my country, Love it or leave it. Besides a Jesus Freak, I bleed Red, white and Blue. My Country isnt perfect, we have made some horrible mistakes. We have forced our views on other countries and made our own enemies and we had to correct. . . Sadam Hussien, Osama Bin Laden.

 

America is a Country Blessed. We will always be. Do we have some learning, yes. I am afraid, classes may begin after the next election. The muslims said that 5 yrs after 9/11 we would have a muslim in the White House.

 

It is said that sometimes God's Wrath is nothing more than letting you have your way. Prayer has been taken out of school, People think that God may judge us for that. I submit, he did by letting us have our way. Kids seem more screwed up than ever and all we seem to do is spend money and try and figure out what is wrong.

 

nice chatting with you

Dave

[Ixtapa]

 

I'm doing ok tonight...it's day 14....I told a couple of friends today that i thought Mark had written me off....I don't know what he's thinking. It's still frustrating for him to tell me two months ago that I should "relax and trust" him, "have confidence" in him, when he gives me nothing to go on. I cried today over him, first time in a while, but it was OK, and I know God understands.

All is well.

 

I've been reading your posts for a while now....and I feel like we are a bit in the same situation (trying to let go of a person who never actually really wanted to be with us in the first place). Which is not the same thing as breaking up with someone who truly loved us at some point.

 

Anyway, Im not really religious myself but I was reading a thread in the "healing after breakup" and I found this :

 

Butterfly .......

 

Get a cup of coffee and listen to this all the way to the very end .....

 

link removed

 

It made an awful lot of sense to me. Im one of these people who keeps hoping and praying that this guy will finally come to his senses and realise he loves me. Well the truth is, he doesn't and he probably never did. Otherwise he wouldn't just have given me crumbs all this time. I still haven't found the magic trick to finally let go.....but listening to this sermon just made me realise that I have to change the way I THINK about the whole situation. It has to get better than this !

[DavidWRosario]

Day 1 - For the 5th time

 

This is unreal, I was certain I was going to make it. Had things worked out. I gave her everything and that is still not enough.

 

Stopped by to pick up my son, we were going to West Virginia for the weekend to get ready for hunting season. Work caused delays and she is in college. Since I could not leave last night, she asked if I could take my daughter for the evening. I said sure but would have to drop her off in the morning. She came out of the house packed for the evening with about 10 books and clothes, I told her all she needed was one book for the night. All hell broke loose.

 

My ex had too have her way. Screaming and yelling erupted. Then she blames me for everything. and more yelling. I told her, She chose this path, and I gave what she asked. No more.

 

I guess I can not have a relationship with her for any reason. In all in all, I will Praise God and move on.

 

 

Dave - Stuck @ Day 1

[Steve 7745]

Day 30.

 

Here's my reason for believing Freud David. America was the first to do many things and move forward with ideas of freedom. We have a mentality where being the first to do something means you're the best.

 

I've found that this only seems to apply in competitions.

 

Basically, when you're the first to do something, you're also the first to discover all the mistakes and glitches that are harmful, etc. Europe watched what we did, came to their own ideas of democracy and freedoms, and pulled together an entire continent into the E.U. Centuries of warfare were dismissed over a few short decades into a united combination of nations. That's pretty damn amazing.

 

I think the solution to many of our problems right now is to shut our mouths and open our ears. Pick up on new ideas and choose to learn from others mistakes. I think we've genuinely pushed our thought patterns to a dead end and now it's time to step back and ask where we're going wrong. Lots of people are quick to scream "Bush!" but we put him into power in the first place. I also don't feel much like either candidate is working to produce genuine solutions. They say they'll push for something, but really want to see detailed plans as to how they're going to accomplish goals. I mean down to the absolute nitty gritty.

 

The only guy lately who came up with a solid plan was the Joker this summer.

 

..... Maybe HE Should be president...

 

I don't have faith in where America is right now or where we're going. But I do have faith in the more important factor- American Self esteem to step back, learn from its mistakes and rebuild accordingly. We may have to hit rock bottom first though.

[OrangeMoon]

As of today i am starting my Final NC now..

 

I hope i will be able to get where i should.

 

Bye,

 

Broken34

[PrettyGood]

Day 9

 

Easy day. I didn't cry today. I have been less nervous. Just sleepy some, because of medical cure.

 

Well my ex wrote me today by his own initiative:

 

" What if I return to you and you accidently get pregrant, but I don't want this child?"

 

I wrote that I don't do an abortion, but maybe would live separately from him. And also wrote that he's not pushed to have any babies at all... He didn't reply. I think he was thinking about new way to escape from returning. What an idiot.

 

Also my university friend wrote me by Skype. He registered to new university to be separately from me. He was in love with me in the past, so now he have a great job, new car, travels abroad sometimes, his university is paid by his job directors and that his life is perfect now. 2nd idiot.

 

Why they want to bite me so much by these words?!

[lkonohalanbu]

went out to korea town to eat, ouch, everything reminds me of her (she is korean and ecuadorean, we used to always go out to ktown to eat.)

 

a few months back she was watching a drama called coffee prince and my old coworker and i wanted to get some coffee after eating lunch

 

did not notice the coffee shop's name because it was in korean, ordered the drink, went outside to lounge and on the glass windows it said coffee prince in english

 

it hurts so bad, i want to call her and tell her about this place, i know she would love it, i hate the fact i am still emotionally attached and still think about her

 

i'm hurting...

 

doing exactly the opposite of what i want to do, until i do not want to talk to her

 

another day, another struggle, damn life coincidences that remind me of her

[KaylaJoy]

well said, Dave.

[KaylaJoy]

still frustrated...still praying over it. Still feeling that sense of abandonment, still feeling slighted, ignored, still hurt over it all. Why is it sometimes I'm on top of the world and got it all licked, and other days, I wear the hurt like an old cloak; heavy.

[lkonohalanbu]

angry, everything reminds me of her

 

getting aggravated at the slightest things, i want to call her and argue about what she is doing

 

i hate this, i feel like i'm burning and i can't control it

[Steve 7745]

Day 31.

 

There is good news.. and there is bad news...

 

The good news is I realize I'm pretty much over my most recent ex. There's still some ache when I think about her, but there simply is no lingering desire to call or in anyway break NC.

 

The bad news is that an old ex plagues my thoughts now. I can't seem to shake how I feel about her. I never could. How can I unlearn my feelings towards her? Built from a distance at my own expense.

[PrettyGood]

Day 10

 

Wow, seems that I feel stronger today. I didn't write him anything today, so it's strange to get the 2nd day his Skype message, asking how do I do?

 

I asked him why is he writing me? He told me that he missed me, but just some part of him, not all. So I felt angry about it. I asked him what was his decision about my answer yesterday not to do abortion if we have a baby accidently. He told me that 24 years old women should do an abortion, but he is still thinking. So I told him that it's my oppinion and I have causes not to do any abortion. And if he doesn't want to be with me, he doesn't need to think about some excuses like abortions or babies. He just need to find a new one girlfriend to make as many abortions as he want. I told him that I'm not ideal woman, but if he doesn't love me the way I am, then I'll find anyone else who will. Seems that this answer was a sharp arrow to his heart. He thought that it was my decision. I told that it isn't so, but he have only these days to 23rd day, because he asked to give him a month to decide. So I told him that he still have time, so if he miss me or have an answer, he's welcome to tell me it in these days. He told he will do it.

 

Well, I'm feeling stronger. Seems that my inner pain and raising angst on him helps me to fight with this problem being alone. [-(

[DavidWRosario]

well said, Dave.

 

thanks but really cant accept the credit on that one. After I read it again I thought wow, I know what they mean by HG inspired

 

it was kewl though

[DavidWRosario]

I hear you and respect your opinion, but during the cold war, we used to say "My Country wrong or right". I will admit there are problems, that desperately need to be fixed. I dont feel the europeans are doing better and they had a lot longer to work on it.

 

Besides many countries "over there" are apeasing or embraceing Islam and that is not going to cut it in my book.

[DavidWRosario]

Hey there,

 

Not to sure about the whole relationship thing as it is clear by my situation. But I can tell you this. There are three major issues in a relationship that will kill it no matter how attracted you are. One is guns. the Second is how everyone concerned feels about abortion. Cant remember the third right now.

 

I am certain no matter what side of the abortion issue your on, it will kill things immediately if the other is on the other side.

 

Looks like it is time to pack it in and move on.

 

btw - I feel like this

 

Your Mom didnt choose abortion and neither should you. expecting to get flamed on that one but its my view.

 

Dave

[DavidWRosario]

Day 2 - Over

 

Wow what a day with my son. We shot hundreds of rounds and just had a testosterone filled weekend. Didnt sleep worth a flip cause I was pondering the other night. Came to a conclusion "i cant live with her and dont think I want to live without her", not sure what I am going to do with that piece of data.

 

Guess I am going to be like a cow and chew my cud on that one.

 

Dave

[Steve 7745]

I hear you and respect your opinion, but during the cold war, we used to say "My Country wrong or right". I will admit there are problems, that desperately need to be fixed. I dont feel the europeans are doing better and they had a lot longer to work on it.

 

Besides many countries "over there" are apeasing or embraceing Islam and that is not going to cut it in my book.

 

In retrospect to my previous words, I concur with yours. Particularly with the latter part.

 

There's some very amazing aspects to Islam. For starters, during wars it's not uncommon for soldiers to take wives accross the seas, falling in love with foreign women and vice versa. This was common during our time in Japan and portions of Europe, if I read the figures correctly. I believe that this war saw the fewest number of during-war marriages, drastically few women would marry a man outside their faith, even if they loved him.

 

Personally, I think that this is really the only reason Iraq desperately wants U.S. soldiers out of their country. There are other reasons to it, ranging from political to aspects of safety, but we're talking about a religion which has worked its hardest to keep women out of sight and well controlled. Hijabs (sp?) and facial scarves, honor killings, etc, etc. The thought of Americans having such influence on their women is probably scaring the ever loving [censored] out of them. Once you give someone a notion, an idea or knowledge, you can't take it away. You can't undo what is done.

 

Whether or not we leave Iraq by 2011, I think our job is pretty done. Even when we leave, we still threw the stone into the lake, causing ripples that will someday become tidal waves. Those silly American ideas of "women's rights" and "human rights" might just suddenly begin to make some sense to Iraq's youths. It will take a few generations to open up to it, but the real damage, the injection of our ideas into their minds, is already done.

 

I just think we paid an awfully high price for something that will take decades to really matter. The younger generation will be pointing to the casualties and cost of the war for years.

 

"Right makes might" and not the other way around. But like it was said, America has become a nation of whiners. When you're on top too long, you forget how you got there and you become dull and used to living the good life that you don't always remember what to do when the hard times hit. I think this generation of Americans needs to be a little blooded, a little tested to recognize how America was won. Face a war, a recession. Come through the tough times realizing how lucky we are to still keep a job rather then expecting the mother government to fix our problems. A country is its people, and I think ours have grown a little fat and bored.

 

We had the cold war once, living in fear of death at any second. Being atomized into nothing at the drop of a hat. Think about this, Americans these days are more afraid of public speaking then death, which is ranked number 4. I've almost died a few times in my life, and I'll say with a healthy respect of mortality that public speaking is absolutely nothing in comparison. I don't care about damn oil or economic turn around as much as I care for the fact that my generation needs a good challenge to wake them from their complacency.

 

This is why I believe that Europe is further along then us. They've faced challenges and hardship more then us. They shrug at $4 gallons of gas when theirs stands around $10, but we complain about it. They have monuments and scars of war riddled all throughout their continent to remind them, while America has almost never been directly scathed. With all respect, I think your generation earned the right to think that America is the greatest, David. But my generation still has something to learn.

[txbboy]

It's day 17 of my NC challenge and I haven't received anything from her. I did almost run into her today. My dad and I were cutting my grass when the lawn mower ran out of gas. Dad suggested we go to Wal-Mart which is where my ex works. I figured she'd be working and I figured I might run into her. She works in Electronics which is right by the gas tanks in Automotive. We got the gas can and passed right by her. She didn't notice us because her back was turned, but I definatlely noticed her. We walked to the front to pay and that was it. Seeing her for the first time in 2 weeks, brought back a bunch of memories. Plus she looked so good. Why does your ex seem to look even better when you're not with them? Anyway, I thought about going through her line, but I had to stay true to the NC challenge. These memories are getting to me though. How do I find the strength to keep going with no contact?

[itsnojo]

Hey there,

 

Can we drop the politics and belief systems conversations please?

 

Now, my NC challenge. This is early morning of day 13. I feel like I am slipping backwards, I feel like I will crack and call her, and ask "WHY WHY WHY" or say "PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE."

 

I've started asking myself questions, wondering what she is doing now, and with whom.

 

I'm completely in panic about my future. Every time I see a couple, or a baby, it is a stab, or a punch.

 

I don't know how to get through this, even though I did it before with her. I keep thinking "she's going to see sense soon". I will probably still be thinking that when she gets on the plane to leave the country for ever.

[atelis]

Day 10 for me and it's hard. i found the first few days much easier. Now the curiosity is getting to me and i want to contact her, but i'm resisting so hard. each day that passes i wonder why she hasn't contacted me. does she think about me, is she curious as to how i'm doing, has she thought about 'us' etc.

 

when we had the talk and she said she needed time because she wasn't sure how she felt, as i was walking out the door she said 'talk to you soon'. is soon 10 days or 2 months or never?

 

for me each day seems like 2 months, for her it's obviously not that long because she's not the one sweating.

 

it's just damn hard