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lkonohalanbu

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Everything posted by lkonohalanbu

  1. lkonohalanbu
    i have had a complete relapse set off by a dream i did not contact her, but i do feel like i am living through day 1 all over again, these dreams need to go away i don't want to speak to you, i want you to go away, i want the hurt to go away i feel like i need a cig, i don't even smoke the anxiety is building, panic is building need to breathe and relax my heart hurts i don't know why this is getting worse instead of better
  2. lkonohalanbu
    i have successfully made it to 30 days, what a journey, i do miss her, but i am working on getting myself back to 100% the pain and hurt isn't so bad anymore, it's actually bearable, it's the thoughts that hurt me, i feel like those won't go away for awhile, i will continue to do NC dont want to hurt, dont need to hurt, and ultimately dont need her love and wish her happiness, this is my first love and first breakup, if i can make it to day 30, so can all of you
  3. lkonohalanbu
    people will disappoint you but it's your choice to sit there and endure it, i've chosen to be bigger, walk away and not say anything back more fuel to my motivation, failure is when i stop getting back up you can do it, read my posts, you can definitely see my mentality change within the first few weeks, i think about her but i don't want to contact her, i don't have any urges to tell her anything i'm finally getting emotionally unattached to this person, music is the medicine to sooth my soul and working out is the medicine to let out my emotions in a constructive way
  4. lkonohalanbu
    i don't need to hang on, i need to let go =D what is pushing me is my desire to become a better person and surpass the old me, i cannot go back to where i was, sick of being tired, lonely, depressed and whatever negative emotions going through me a little more detail is a person in my family comes to me for money, i refuse because i am saving for school, i am called a bastard child, i'm like my mother, blah blah (more childhood repressed memories resurfacing) i had an emotional night, but what kept me going is thinking, i am alone, i am strong, i don't need anyone to pull me through this and i will make it i was literally one button away from text the ex to crash at her place because i did not want to be at home, but she walked away and i cannot see her as a viable option i am determined to let go and let go for good, i'm proud of myself for making it through that night and another day i face alone, i will conquer it!
  5. lkonohalanbu
    family problems, asking me for money, me refusing, i get emotionally scarred once again for saving money for me and nobody else so very close to breaking NC i remember why i was living on my own for awhile thoughts of suicide at first, but those faded, i will make it through this i'm hurting good, i haven't hurted liked this since childhood she would be the person to speak to but she's gone i don't really feel like being at home, i think i'll crash at the park in my car i'm dying one day at a time
  6. lkonohalanbu
    i know you care for the guy, but you need to realize he chose to walk, instead of contacting him next time, call anyone else but him! i went crazy yesterday and needed to vent, i was filled with anger for no apparent reason, i need to get my emotions in check, i am not normally like this he's not going to realize what he's missing if you don't give him space and you're not going to move on hanging on to him if you need somebody to talk to, post here, superdave mentioned that you cannot push somebody further away from you if you don't say anything don't use NC as a means of manipulating him back to your arms, it will only make you crazy and you will suffer more if he doesn't come back during your time frame give yourself time and space to cool down and let the emotions die down, return back to your happy self that isn't acting on negative emotions i'm sure you have friends and family that can support you through this, i don't have many options, so i come here and it has been a great help if you can make it through this, imagine how much stronger and much more knowledge you will come out with also consider the person you think you love, would somebody you love, at your darkest hours abandon you? FOCUS on the bad to stay in reality, do not focus on the good times as they will give you more incentive to call and HURT
  7. lkonohalanbu
  8. lkonohalanbu
    what happened and what are you feeling?
  9. lkonohalanbu
    actually i already did before i posted that, i just had a moment of weakness, my mind is conflicting with what my heart wants and what logically makes sense any who it's a nice letter, i will never send it, enjoy the read and thanks for your concern! i just hate my conflicting thoughts causing me stress, cognitive dissonance for the win! i'm okay now after an hour at the gym and music class
  10. lkonohalanbu
    i feel much better after going to lunch with a coworker and venting, that and eating fast food, i don't eat out a lot regained some of my sanity and maintained my composure and status by not calling her LETTING IT BURN! OH YEAH!
  11. lkonohalanbu
    i'm not using NC as a tool to get her back, i'm using to NC to move on and trying to bury any thought of reconciliation as it will give me false hopes and lead myself on to failure i am doing a lot to keep myself busy but at work and at home is where i do most of my thinking, my job doesn't require much mental power and i can only browse the net so much before my brain reverts to start thinking about her bah bah sheep i'm calming down, but i hate that burning sensation where i should just blow up and destroy everything, i used to have a temper problem when i was a kid and i had it under control up until this breakup bad habits that i don't like resurfacing, i don't like this part of myself!
  12. lkonohalanbu
    i feel hurt and why i want to speak to her is beyond me, i don't want to miss her, i'm going back and forth and i'm going nuts doing the best i can to let go, i need words of strength, i'm running on pure determination but i'm starting to lack after time has starting to erode it away bah, cognitive dissonance i hate this, i hate loving her, i hate missing her, i hate feeling this, freaken feels like i'm on fire and nothing can calm me down except talking to her she chose to walk away and i'm choosing to pine for her BAH!
  13. lkonohalanbu
    ouch ouch ouch! i feel like i'm freaken dying here! gah, i hate this feeling i hate it, hate it, hate it and hate it some more i want to throw it all away alksdfjlak;sjdflajsldfjasl;jfk emotional roller coaster, i feel like i need to talk to her but it wont do me any good, i love her but at the same time i want to blow up on her for putting me through all of this for her reasons i need help with coping somebody help me out, i'm this close to breaking NC and blowing up so aggravating and frustrating at myself for not letting this go and be done with
  14. lkonohalanbu
    You never know what the future holds, right now give him his space, the bad memories will fade away, the arguing and resentment, even the emotions will fade. He will call if he remembers the good, no telling how long, everybody is different and unique, don't wait for his call! Move on for the betterment of yourself, he chose to walk away, the ball is in his court and you should walk away knowing that you've exhausted your resources, time for some good 'ol healing, old fashion style NC! Good luck, it's hard the first few weeks, I'm barely on day 15 and I'm burning, but I am better than I was when she dumped me. Also, if you're not around to say anything, you can't possibly say anything to push them further away! I believe SuperDave made that point.
  15. lkonohalanbu
    sleepy and my heart hurts stupid reoccurring dreams of her and i being together, the dreams get more vivid and longer each day, my mind is probably doing this to play tricks on me and get frustrated as it forces me to hate her and this moment
  16. lkonohalanbu
    reflecting on the past weekend, i randomly started to break down and cry anything would set it off, a song, a thought, a smell, woke up today after dreaming about her, my heart was racing, looked to my left, she wasn't there it hurts, i want to be healed already, tired of the pain, the burning, the aching, the wanting, i want to let go and be done these lingering feelings and thoughts are hurting me a great deal just let it go! bah!
  17. lkonohalanbu
    almost half the battle is almost over WHOOO! no i don't mean ill go straight back to pining over her and calling her as soon as this over, but i figure the 1st month is the hardest and i'm half way there! 1st break up 1st gf 1st love starting to see light at the end of the tunnel, i love the girl, so sue me! can't change how i feel, but i don't need to be sad about anything, just move on, be happy and enjoy life a day at a time
  18. lkonohalanbu
    angry, everything reminds me of her getting aggravated at the slightest things, i want to call her and argue about what she is doing i hate this, i feel like i'm burning and i can't control it
  19. lkonohalanbu
    went out to korea town to eat, ouch, everything reminds me of her (she is korean and ecuadorean, we used to always go out to ktown to eat.) a few months back she was watching a drama called coffee prince and my old coworker and i wanted to get some coffee after eating lunch did not notice the coffee shop's name because it was in korean, ordered the drink, went outside to lounge and on the glass windows it said coffee prince in english it hurts so bad, i want to call her and tell her about this place, i know she would love it, i hate the fact i am still emotionally attached and still think about her i'm hurting... doing exactly the opposite of what i want to do, until i do not want to talk to her another day, another struggle, damn life coincidences that remind me of her
  20. lkonohalanbu
    the party was okay i feel horrible, i tried to force things and i feel angry at myself i slept with another girl and could not orgasm, this has never happened before, i really haven't let go, i stopped in the middle because i kept thinking this isn't her i feel angry for thinking that sleeping with somebody else would alleviate any stress i had and that i am still stuck on this person, so stuck, that it is effecting my sex life usually i'd be gearing to go, but my emotions and my head is killing me i dont find any other girl attractive at all, i'm horrible, i wanted to break no contact so bad, but me saying anything will not bring her back i know i am single, but i feel like i just cheated on her, grrr....
  21. lkonohalanbu
    plans for this weekend is going to a house party today bbq tomorrow and random girl asked me out to eat and the beach i feel kind of weird, maybe i'm not fully ready, but i'm not expecting anything out of these invites i feel like i am betraying her, but she's probably out having the time of her life, so must I i'm a weirdo.
  22. lkonohalanbu
    you get a dog and you get to reset, sure it's a set back, but you will recover quicker, keep in mind that it's one less excuse to give the ex a call i'm on day 10.5 miss her like hell, but not going to stop me from living my life, good luck and continue strong, just use the experience you've gain to push you further along the NC contest as long as you break it, learn from it, you'll be fine, you're only human and you can only hurt for so long before you let it go
  23. lkonohalanbu
    wondering what she is up to not allowing myself to check her myspace to give myself a reason to hurt 3 day weekend, those were the times when we would spend every second with each other and enjoy lazy time any who, ever since i got dumped all these girls have invited me to party, going out to socialize the urge to contact her is easy to manage, but wanting to know what she is up to is hard the longest i've went without checking her myspace is 4 days a little setback, but a little relief that she seems to be fine i guess i'm not as heartless towards her as i thought i was, emotions getting in the way hope she is well! another glorious day of NC awaits, meaning another day of ME ME ME ME time heh. good luck to all who endures this self test, you will only become stronger and learn more about yourself, even though i hate to admit it, i got to thank the ex for dumping me, making me do things i wanted to do to get my mind off her getting in shape, getting better at singing and being single, not having a care in the world about what i say or do and who it will affect except me!
  24. lkonohalanbu
    sore everywhere from the gym and pushing myself listening to my ipod, keith urban - tonight i want to cry it brought a tear to my eye and reminded me of everything that walked away from me i will never know if she is dating somebody else or if she left me for somebody else, i hope she is happy, i am continuing to be strong and moving on if somebody walks away from you, let it go powerful sermon that i probably listen to 3 times a day to calm my heart another battle awaits and uphill struggle awaits i know i wont contact her because she will never know what it is like if i am constantly contacting her and i am glad i have self control to not check her myspace or any website pertaining to her like a mad man i don't want to find reasons to hurt myself nor do i want to know and try to create a story for the worse
  25. lkonohalanbu
    the pain is going away, i feel happier and relieved finally it's starting to subside i'm excited for music class and the gym today will report back here if i feel weak or just want to give an update!
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