lkonohalanbu

thanks, i know i've made an improvement from yesterday and the days before i hate the fact i want to call her and tell her how much i miss her, she seems completely oblivious to me and that destroys me, which in an ironic way fuels me to be better

whew dodged a bullet, the anxiety was building but a thought came up, why should i care about this person who doesn't bother to check in on me, why should i initiate contact me contacting her would only make her feel more guilty and i would feel alleviated just to hear her voice for that brief second, i doubt she would pick up any ways, today was harsh, felt sick to my stomach, my heart literally had stabbing pains that were acute and long lasting throughout the morning, like a long run on full speed without stopping to take a breather i guess it's getting harder because the healing is happening back to ME TIME

having slight anxiety attacks from thinking about her and the what ifs, company fire alarm drill didn't help either my heart aches and i am continuing to be strong, she doesn't love me, she wouldn't have done this if i "meant" that much hurting and more hurting, better than day 1, signed up for the gym finally, now to bury myself and improve nothing feels right, everything feels wrong, i don't want somebody who doesn't want me all i have is ENA, the person i confide in is hanging out with her this will only make me a better person and stronger 1st heart breaks are the worst. i'm hoping the dreams subside and that i stop thinking about her, i'm sure she's having a great time while i go through my own personal hell a part of me wants to be bitter and force myself to improve to make her regret i don't want to be bitter, but it fuels my motivation to get up and do something i want her to feel the burn as she burned me and continue to do so when will her power over me go away?

another day that i made it through, nobody will take these days i've been through nor will anybody do this for me on to life and my bed! the dreams kill me, but each day i dont call or check on her, the stronger i become, each second i take a step for myself into freedom and happiness healing takes time, glad there is a contest to help us out! where would we be if ENA wasn't around! i know where i'd be, hurting, calling, texting, maybe even drive to her house to confront her for myself and only myself! continuing on the healing journey

day 5 hung out with friends all day, went to all the places i had been with the ex, i missed her a great deal, i did not call her or contact her, i do miss her and looked at her myspace i feel relieved a bit, i know i set myself back a little, but i really miss her onto another day and another battle, sundays are the worst

i will endure, i will persevere, i will triumph this endeavor, a mere road block to life, a significant one, but i will continue my behavior now will shape me in the future, i will be better, nothing good will come out of being clingy and trying to contact somebody who doesn't want to be spoken to tomorrow is a new day, reflect on the past to learn from your mistakes, live in the present to make better days thank you all for the support, may you find yourself happiness and not lose yourself to the path of misery

went out, it was okay, everything i went to, she loved or i knew she would have liked it went to go hookah, i feel sick and want to call her badly, but i want she wants her time and i will give it to her i need to puke! gah.

went out last night, had lots to drink, i don't like the fact i was comparing every girl to her, it's not right for me to judge or to compare i feel kind of miserable because i do not like going up to random girls to dance, i feel awkward, i remember the times when she was around and i had somebody to dance with girls come up to me, but i don't feel attracted to any of them =/

day 2 of the this glorious contest looking forward to seeing friends from out of town and tonight i finally get to go out and party for my side hobby that i decided to pick up after the break up (promoting for clubs) i still have thoughts of her, but i stop myself after getting hurt tuesday from her and the friend hanging out behind my back (found out through myspace,very nice! that's why i'm in the contest now), the less i know the better, going to move on with my life hope i meet some people today and make some new friends, i feel better today, bought some whey protein and worked out at home, legs feel like pasta, even time i do a rep, it's like a big F U to the ex nothing like hate to fuel the motivation to look better, i don't like being bitter about this, but it's apparently part of the process, i wish her the best of luck and it's time to focus on me me me me me me! the people here are very supportive and have stopped me from breaking NC numerous times before i decided to join the contest, i need to grow and mature as a person, need to let go of the past and look forward to the future, it's funny how this breakup opened me up to be better but at 100000% more effort to do so i should get into relationships and get dumped on purpose so i'd always have motivation, haha keeping strong and motivated to change for the better! happiness dwells within, my choice to linger and hold onto something that once was, i need to be in the what is, which will shape the me of tomorrow no better way to rub it in someone's face that they made a mistake than to be happy, not to be happy in spite of them, but to be happy for you, but a little motivation to get me started, heh ill be back to give updates! i will find strength in myself and when i cannot muster anything out of myself, i will rely on you (ENA FORUMS), all of this is trivial and i will strive to be all that i can be good work out song eminem - till i collapse

thanks for the words of encouragement, advice is easy to give, but damn hard to follow! if anybody needs somebody to talk to on aim, to listen to your story or just to talk to somebody instead of the ex feel free to aim me. ikkidono

3 weeks into the break up, talked to her yesterday to let her know i was reading old chat logs and i found her password, knowing that she and mostly everybody else in the world only have 1 password to everything, i did the right thing and told her to change it via e-mail she got mad, she thought i hacked it, long story short, i'm tired of hurting, tired of keeping tabs, i need to move on and focus on me the less i know about her the better. deleted and blocked HELP ME THROUGH THIS HARD TIME!