THE NO CONTACT CHALLENGE - SuperDave71

[ghostgirl116]

well, my friend, you are only human. you had a really long relationship, and kids... i can't imagine how hard it is to do nc under the circumstances.

 

stay strong (())

 

gg

[rohded]

Cried for the first time in a loooong time today. I haven't been this upset since the break-up. I don't know what it is but I got really down and sad all of the sudden last night. Hopefully day 2 is better.

[DavidWRosario]

well, my friend, you are only human. you had a really long relationship, and kids... i can't imagine how hard it is to do nc under the circumstances.

 

stay strong (())

 

gg

 

This is a werid analogy, I feel like the Germans at Normandy, She found a way in and just kept coming. There was no way to fend her off. I apologized for everything. She cried on the phone, I melted said I was sorry she was crying and did mean to hurt her. I didnt do anything. Then later she sends me a email that for the last 20 years she has been trying to live up to a memory of a old High school girlfriend. She then said maybe you should look her up since I wasnt good enough.

 

aaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhh. She is making up S#it as she goes along. For Starters My ex from high school was 5 years my senior, that would make her almost 50 now - she had a baby bout 3 years before I got married. So her kid probably has a kid by now and she's a grandma. I have a 9 year old.

 

My ex has found a way in and she is F#$king with my head. I am so tired right now I cant think straight. I will see you guys in the morning and try to sort this mess out.

 

I will try to get a handle on this on Day 2.

[jkam]

DAY 1 just told her to see how life is without each other.. and ya we will see what happens in the future as anything can happen... suprisingly i dont feel all that sad or bad (i have my ups and downs).. but i will miss her and i do truly love her. and hopefully she does come back to me... but who knows what will happen

[The Mad Pagan]

I'm not looking at you funny at all, Dave. Remember that I've broken NC twice in a week now.

 

Also, right after my Day 1 post this morning I had a breakdown. I couldn't stop crying and wondering why I have to suffer the way I have been. I'm not sad now, but a part of me is so angry and frustrated again that I don't feel like I can stand it. Argggh is right!

[DavidWRosario]

I'm not looking at you funny at all, Dave. Remember that I've broken NC twice in a week now.

 

Also, right after my Day 1 post this morning I had a breakdown. I couldn't stop crying and wondering why I have to suffer the way I have been. I'm not sad now, but a part of me is so angry and frustrated again that I don't feel like I can stand it. Argggh is right!

 

 

Thanks MP,

 

The reason we suffer is so that we grow. When the sun shines and everything is perfect we dont grow. I am growing like a freakin weed. I am not angry, I am frustrated. I let go, I want to go on and live. I wish she would just dry up and blow away.

 

Dave

[The Mad Pagan]

I do feel somewhat better now that the anger has returned. It's better than crying, anyway. This time I won't expect to hear from him again. He said his goodbyes, and whatever ridiculous hope I had is fading (though it is not yet completely faded).

 

I want to reach the point where I'm not making up ridiculous schemes (like joining the same gym in a few months) just to see him. Then I'll know I'm good.

 

I am praying for strength.

[Abbie]

... I have now accepted that we will not be together again and I also feel that we shouldn't be together anyway as he had a lot of faults and issues which he will never fix. I live in a small community so unfortunately I see him from time to time or my friends do. I wish he would just disappear and then I would feel safe in the knowledge that I will never see him again.

 

Hopefully he will never try to reconcile with me because even though he is not right for me, I would probably take him back to save me from being alone. It is better for everyone if we never speak again.

 

I feel bitter that he is happy with his new ready-made family while I am still going through pain. I know in the long run that he will ruin his new relationship the same way he did ours, but I would rather that happened sooner rather than later. Why should he be happy and me be miserable when he was the one that had an affair?

 

It was his birthday a few days ago but I let it pass by without acknowledgement. No contact is the only way forward.

 

I still miss him but it's only because I am having problems adjusting to being alone again. If there was someone else in my life then my feelings for him would disappear. However, there isn't even a snifter of someone else, which is probably a good thing as I have to sort out this loneliness problem before I can let anyone else in. I need to be happy with myself and not need someone to 'complete' me.

 

Even though it is far away, I am looking forward to one day being happy.

[ak_snowgirl]

i guess i'm on day 4 this time around.

 

i stopped by his house on my way up to see my parents on friday. and we talked. lots of issues. he misses me being there and other things. we talked about what wasn't there for him. and when i went to leave he pulled me in for a hug. thats when i started to cry. he held on even when i was ready to let go. it felt good and right to be in his arms. and he smelt so good. i also figured it was good bye and i would never hear from him again. not for awhile anyways. it felt like goodbye.

but he tried talking to me online sunday nite. i just told him i had to go. and that was that. i'm not considering that breaking no contact cuz we didn't chat.

its been about a month since the break up. it still hurts alot. its like a roller coaster. go from having hope, to being bitter, to being mad at him, to be depressed, to being great. its horrible. i still think about him daily. and i'm always worried about running into him in this small town we live in.

til later....

[...John...]

I have lost count!!! YAY, it so much easier to maintain NC when you move 1300 miles away!! lol yeah so things are better for me... meeting new people, and I don't think about my ex fiance as much anymore! Anyways thats all for now! Stay Strong fellow NC'ers. Today is a new day! ^_^

[rohded]

Kind of angry that she hasn't contacted me at all yet, but this is how it usually is during the week since I work days and she works nights. I wish she would call me in the middle of the night and tell me that she wants me back and that she is willing to work on it... so yea day 2 is over.

[Johnathan]

This sucks.

[DavidWRosario]

Day 3

 

Day 2 went ok. At the end of Day 1 she sent me a email that stated the relationship was over. She said that she had been living a lie for 20 years. Then she said she trusted me more than any person ever. She also said that She had been living in the shadow of a memory of a ex girlfriend of mine from 20 + years ago. She is making up crap. What a liar, When I got together with her, I went N/C with everyone from my past, friends included. All the friends we had were our friends not just mine or hers.

 

She is nucking Futs.

[rohded]

Dave, this woman is really messing with your head... don't let her anymore, you deserve better!

[bfla]

Day 34 of half-assed NC

 

I read a book last night at the bookstore entitled How To Get Your Lover Back. It was a little dated and yet it was pretty much the only insight I've received so far that didn't consist of "shut up and don't talk to them." It really almost kicked my ass into sending her a little "just saying hi" email since I know I left her with such a sour needy taste on our last encounters. The book also made sure to encourage you 100 times not to care about the new guy, or Rebound Guy as I call him.

 

Then I woke up today, and she had deleted all the remaining myspace pictures that have the two of us in them. She had erased the facebook pictures weeks and weeks ago, and I could not figure out what she was waiting for with the myspace pics.

 

So of course I typed a little two line email.

 

Just wanted to say hi. Hope you're having an awesome summer!

 

And did not send it. But man, I really want to. I feel like... we are seven weeks into this and rebound or not, she's STILL erasing stuff. It freaks me out and makes me wonder if she's just going to erase me from her life until I really am, for good. And I really want to send that mail just to show her I'm not as desperate and needy as I came off on our last encounters.

 

It's really bad though. I totally got myself back into a "contact her!" mindset and the damn pictures didn't help. Of course, she doesn't have to know I saw that either. (Didnt log into my account)

 

And the book really whooped my butt into thinking...who cares about Rebound Guy, who cares if she's sleeping with him, who cares if his birthday is next week. Get your woman back! Like the book said... love her back to you!

[Johnathan]

Doing alittle better today. Still miss her like crazy and am constantly wondering if she's still royally PO'd at me or if she misses me, or is wondering all the same things. Probably both. Doesn't really matter though as I'm sure I'm just an afterthought to her while she's going thru the breakup of her 7 year relationship with the guy she thought she was going to marry. I'm starting to be very glad I told him she cheated on him and the regret is disappearing. I knew once I got over the initial shock and pain of telling him that I'd know it was a good decision.

 

 

 

Day 34 of half-assed NC

 

I read a book last night at the bookstore entitled How To Get Your Lover Back. It was a little dated and yet it was pretty much the only insight I've received so far that didn't consist of "shut up and don't talk to them." It really almost kicked my ass into sending her a little "just saying hi" email since I know I left her with such a sour needy taste on our last encounters. The book also made sure to encourage you 100 times not to care about the new guy, or Rebound Guy as I call him.

 

 

 

And the book really whooped my butt into thinking...who cares about Rebound Guy, who cares if she's sleeping with him, who cares if his birthday is next week. Get your woman back! Like the book said... love her back to you!

You should talk more about that book. I'm sorta half skeptical, half encouraged by books like that.

[bfla]

Sure Johnathan. I am the same way.

 

The ISBN is 0440500893 if you want to see reviews on amazon or elsewhere. I cant vouch for it obviously, since I only just read it yesterday. It was nice to see a resource that offered up a little more beyond the usual NC stuff. But most of the reviews are pretty true -- it doesn't really offer a whole lot of strategies for getting BACK into contact with an ex who you arent really in contact with right now.

[DrPhil]

So what did it say, if it didn't just say 'shut up and don't talk to them'?

 

I'm in a similar situation. But about 3 months after the fact. She hooked up with someone a couple weeks ago but I refuse to call him a 'rebound'..I refuse to assume anyone is just a rebound.

 

INITIALLY, a couple weeks after the breakup, she never deleted any of my pics. Even still left the 'best boyfriend' captions etc etc...She left everything up even though she started putting up pics of a guy I knew she liked. I couldn't stand her putting up those pics of that dude so I just deactivated facebook and had a friend change my password on my Myspace. That guy eventually moved soon after..so I know they didn't date. The guy she's with NOW, I'm not too sure if she took my pics off by now. And I don't care. I suggest giving FB and MS a break.

 

What's stopping you from sending the email? Just curious. I was planning to initiate contact again, but after finding out she's dating now, IDK if it's a good time for me.

[bfla]

Well, DrPhil, it's hard to say really. I think like many of us who are in this situation, not only is the entire thing a rollercoaster, each day tends to be its own. In fact, I think I will start to refer to the whole thing as the damn Theme Park, because everyday is its own unique ride. (My last thread yesterday was titled 'rollercoaster days')

 

It's hard to summarize the whole read here, and I did sit there at Borders for a few hours reading the whole thing (OK, OK, I did skim a few sections) but the main concepts I walked away with were not smothering your ex, and, to use Dr. Harris' words - "love them back to you."

 

He makes repeated reference to the idea of a "love-bond" that once connected the two parties. He would infer that it is probably possible to form a new one.

 

He also used the term "limerance" which I was familiar with from old high school crushes, and it refers to that giddy introductory feeling in a new relationship: see link removed and link removed ... referring to the way the ex may feel toward a new lover right now, and not to be discouraged by the introduction of a new person into their life.

 

 

I'm worried that a lot of us on NC feel like we have left a "door open" but we did it by leaving a nasty taste in our ex's mouth. I love you, I need you, I want to marry you, come back to me... "No!"... ok then I'm going NC. And we do. And we "do it for ourselves", not to "get them back", but we still probably wonder what they are thinking, its hard not to. Like you said - I don't want to assume this guy is not a rebound. Maybe they are already deeply in love. Maybe they will be married within the year. But then another part of me still wants to be an optimist, be filled with hope, know that I do feel real love for the person who I am not with right now. And even though it is dangerous, and we are all warned not to do it, I still find myself using those thoughts as motivation. And already, I've spent 6-7 straight weeks improving myself, working on my self confidence, seeing a therapist, working out, even hittin' the beach with some friends and getting a little tan.

 

I guess this reply rambled a little bit, and I might just go to Borders and pay for the dang book so I can talk about it here a little more, but I don't expect it to be my magic wand or anything. I did find it interesting, though, that the majority of the book was about figuring out when it's OK to contact, how to go about doing it, how to HANDLE your emotions about a "NEW GUY/GIRL" in their lives, how not to torture yourself thinking about the two of them "lovemaking" (as Dr. Harris puts it), how to deal with a "resistant lover" (what a great topic)...instead of a book of "you can make yourself better and just do it for you!!!! hooray!!!" the author really is focused on the topic at hand, even if the title is a little gimmicky... it's why we are all posting on this board and not the other one... "GETTING BACK TOGETHER"

[DrPhil]

Hmmm, this section here makes me want to get this book.

 

I'm not a big fan of complete NC. I went into it trying to heal BUT knowing that I would want to contact her eventually.

 

I'm thinking a text or email would be best...but fall semester starts in about a month so IDK if I should wait till then or what...ahhhh. Whatever. lol.

[bfla]

Yeah, you mind if I ask your age DrPhil? I'm 24 myself with my ex being 20 (21 in about 3 weeks.) She's still in college, and her summer terms are about to end. I'm a school teacher now though, we have pretty different schedules.

 

Just wondering, based on your timing considerations.

[DrPhil]

Yeah, you mind if I ask your age DrPhil? I'm 24 myself with my ex being 20 (21 in about 3 weeks.) She's still in college, and her summer terms are about to end. I'm a school teacher now though, we have pretty different schedules.

 

Just wondering, based on your timing considerations.

 

 

We're both 20. Met and hooked up at the very beginning of our freshman semester. Now we're about to enter our 3rd year. We went out for about a year and a half.

 

My ex is actually studying to be an elementary teacher.

[bfla]

Mine's studying to be high school, like me. That's why a couple of my friends have dropped the lines like... "she'll come around man, when she gets closer to her internship, goes out to schools, looks for a job" etc. They think she will associate teaching with me or something. Wish I knew. But even her internship is a year off. And who knows what will have transpired with Rebound Guy by then.

[DrPhil]

Mine's studying to be high school, like me. That's why a couple of my friends have dropped the lines like... "she'll come around man, when she gets closer to her internship, goes out to schools, looks for a job" etc. They think she will associate teaching with me or something. Wish I knew. But even her internship is a year off. And who knows what will have transpired with Rebound Guy by then.

 

Know much about the rebound dude?

 

I read your original post and I know how it feels to have your friends say it's just a rebound but it's hard to believe that yourself. The story behind my 'rebound' dude is that he tried to get with her even before I met her...she rejected him. A few months after we were dating, he tried to get with her again...rejected again..and she was honest with me about his advances and stuff and she told me how she felt about him...funny thing is that 3 months after breaking up, she's with the dude. his situation is that he asked her out right before he left back to where he was stationed..he's in the AF. Last I heard they were having some problems the day after they hooked up.

 

Rebound? You tell me...the only thing on my mind is the fact that they're going out.

 

I guess it's good in a way that you both are in the same field. But at the same time, even though she comes around, it may just be for school or career related things.

 

I miss the first two years of taking some general graduation requiremnt credits together. Now we're taking more directed courses. (I'm a bio/pre-med student)

[bfla]

Well, I hate to bring it up cause it's pretty mortifying, but if you look back at my old posts:

 

 

 

I think I may have mentioned that at the beginning of all this, I was an ass and logged into her accounts...social networks, email, etc. So she met him on a dating site, about a week and a half after we broke up. I read their emails back and forth, saw his facebook, know where in town he lives and a little bit about what he does, etc. Yes, I know, this is really shady and betrayal-type stuff, so it's why I have stopped. My therapist verifies everytime too. I am not doing that anymore.

 

I hear that she hooked up one of her girlfriends with one of his friends, and they have been double dating. I know she spent the 4th of july with his family. I know he has gone babysitting with her (she does it once a week for a local family, I used to go with her a lot

 

But, on the flip side, knowing all this crap about him nauseates me, makes me sick, makes me scared as hell of him, and also doesn't help me get her back in any way.