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The Mad Pagan

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  1. The Mad Pagan
    Yup, we made it! Huzzah! It's been over three months since he left me, and that long since I heard his voice. His ignoring me (until that email last month) really helped me to heal more quickly. Seeing his profile on Match, like I said, brought me the REAL closure I needed. I haven't really thought about him at all, except for a few moments at a time. That's exciting to me. He wasn't the one. Not even close. As for a prize, I don't think there is one; except, that is, for peace of mind. I am now going to take a break from ENotAlone because I have gotten to the point where I can do this on my own. I thank everyone for your kind words and support, and I wish you all the best with your lives and struggles. This is probably not goodbye from the site forever--just for now! Scott, The Mad Pagan
  2. The Mad Pagan
    I didn't get buddy buddy with his friends, nor he with mine. I'm glad for that. You know, though, something magical has been happening since I saw his profile posted yesterday. I can now feel myself not caring anymore! Yes, really... I got my closure a month ago, but that removed all shreds of hope, however small, that were, as so eloquently stated by StillSmiling, tickling the back of my mind (thanks) I'm actually excited about being single and doing my thing. Rawk!
  3. The Mad Pagan
    So yesterday I looked at link removed to see if anyone new has posted a profile. It appears someone has--my ex! I saw it by freak accident and it really sent me for a loop. The good thing is that I didn't look at the actual profile; I just saw his picture come up on the list. I guess he's ready to start dating again now. He got his last ego boost from me 29 days ago, and now he's going to find someone else to avoid conflict with. What a jerk. It's too bad I don't hate him, because I'd really like to. Seeing his picture up there has filled me with all kinds of regret, but I'm not backing down. He left ME, dang it, and I'm not gonna be there for him when his next relationship comes crashing down (and it will--there are so few good gay guys in this town; I am truly a prize). Anyway, I guess I needed to vent a little. Don't worry about me, though. The discovery brought me down, but I haven't spiralled into depression or anything. I've got a lot of exciting things coming up over this next semester, and I'm not gonna let sour grapes spoil my glory.
  4. The Mad Pagan
    So school is starting in a week, and I must say I'm excited for the business of it all. I will have little time to think about anything but homework and research, except for maybe during the rare quiet moments on the weekends.] Two more days of the challenge, and then I think it'll be time to take a break from this site for a while. It has helped me through the darkest of my post break up days, and for that I'm grateful, but it has also become somewhat of an addiction. I am definitely strong enough now that I won't contact him, no matter how appealing the thought is. That ship has sailed, and I want to move on.
  5. The Mad Pagan
    Good gods, I can't believe I've made it this far. It's been REALLY hard. I think I am resolved and ready to get over things, then I'll suddenly sink into thoughts of the relationship. I'm not just a good person--I'm a great person. I just happened to have some self esteem issues that I needed to work through. Why couldn't he see that I was trying? I was going to therapy for it, for pete's sake! It disappoints me so much that he didn't give me the time to get my act together. Guess what: it happened. Now he's missing out on probably the best thing he could have ever had. I'm going to be a physician (it's in the cards for sure based on the fact that I'm almost done with my bachelor's degree in Biochemistry, and my grades and involvement are spectacular). I'm gentle and kind, intelligent and humorous. I treated him like I myself would like to be treated, and he left me in the dust. What in Hades is wrong with him! Gah!
  6. The Mad Pagan
    I really am running out of things to say about the whole thing. I admit to missing him, and I admit that I wish things would have gone differently. I know now, however, that things could not have worked the way they were. There was too much conflict on both sides, and too much unresolved tension. I still think about it regularly, but I don't understand why. I keep telling myself I should be over it by now. I guess I just need to give myself more time and not judge my heart for not hearing what my brain has been saying for months. I keep on keepin' on, even when it hurts.
  7. The Mad Pagan
    Heh. I didn't have anything easy, really. I have spent a lot of time on longer, more in-depth posts, but I'm so sick of this break-up and thinking about things that I just want to let it all go already. The only reason I'm still posting at all is because I've dedicated myself to the challenge. Break-ups SUCK.
  8. The Mad Pagan
    So far, so good. I just want it to be over.
  9. The Mad Pagan
    I, too, am feeling very disposable today, and I think for many of the same reasons. I dream up elaborate schemes so that he'll see me and see how good I look now, but I dash them to pieces before I do something foolish. Bleah, this sucks.
  10. The Mad Pagan
    Wow, I can't believe it's only seven more days until the challenge is complete. I've come a long way over this time, and though I've had my moments of doubts and relapse. I'm staying strong. Let's do this!
  11. The Mad Pagan
    I successfully resisted contacting him. My head is winning over my heart, and I've got so much going on in my life I don't need the drama anymore. Anyway, today I plan to have a good time, and it's well earned.
  12. The Mad Pagan
    This is crap. I actually considered calling him today, which is exactly what I DON'T want to do. I don't even know why the feeling came over me. Stupidity, maybe, or some deep-rooted nostalgia. I guess what matters is I am not acting on the urge. Nothing good would come of it, and my healing is doing wonderfully otherwise. Yay!
  13. The Mad Pagan
    I have been so danged busy lately that this whole break-up is seeming like the least of my worries. I am slowly forgetting him and the gigantic mess.
  14. The Mad Pagan
    Yesterday was okay, and I spent the whole day today at the lake, so I didn't think about the breakup at all until I was driving home a couple hours ago. Tomorrow--which comes in about two hours here--will be day 20, meaning I have only 10 days left of the challenge. I didn't think I'd make it this far, but I did. I'm getting stronger every day.
  15. The Mad Pagan
    There are good days and there are bad days. Yesterday was a good day because I was too busy to think about anything but the work that needed to be done.
  16. The Mad Pagan
    Time is going by faster now. Keeping busy is my friend. I just don't want to think about it anymore, so every time I start, I occupy myself with something else.
  17. The Mad Pagan
    I'm going to go crazy. Sometimes I don't think about it at all, and sometimes it's ALL I think about. Dang it, I don't want to think about it anymore! It's freaking ridiculous.
  18. The Mad Pagan
    I never thought I'd make it to 15 days, but here I am. Half the challenge is done, and I'm getting stronger by the day. I admit to a bit of a relapse of anger and regret, though. I can't help but think of what could have been, over and over again. It pisses me off to no end that things had to end the way they did. I wonder if I'm missed, or if the face that I'm really sticking to my guns this time has started to freak him out. Oh well, there's no use in speculating. It is what it is.
  19. The Mad Pagan
    It's been two weeks now since I started the challenge, and over two and a half months since I heard my ex's voice. I still thought about him a lot today, but I'm not going to contact him. This is getting much easier as time goes by (I said that already, didn't I? ). Sixteen more days! It's an arbitrary count, though, since I still won't contact him after that
  20. The Mad Pagan
    I thought about him a bit today, more negatively than positively. I wish things could have been different, but this is how it is, and I have to deal with that. I'm looking forward to hitting the two week mark tomorrow.
  21. The Mad Pagan
    Not much to report, really. This does get easier as time goes on.
  22. The Mad Pagan
    Yesterday wasn't so bad. I was busy all day. We'll see what today brings.
  23. The Mad Pagan
    So I've officially made it to my record NC day My heart is still a mess, but as I've been saying for the past week or so, my mind knows it doesn't want him back. There is about a half hour to an hour of every day that I think about the break up, but the rest of the time I'm either busy or keeping myself entertained so I don't worry about it. All I know for sure right now is that I'm too 'messed up' to consider getting into another serious relationship. Casual dating is fine, but I'm expecting nothing. I really want to be single for a while so I can keep a grip on my life. Things are just starting to come together, and I don't want to f--- it up.
  24. The Mad Pagan
    Today I tie the record for the most time in NC. Come tomorrow, I will beat it. I didn't think about things much today.
  25. The Mad Pagan
    Well, I am almost to day 9 again, which is my record. It's been a little over two months since we've been broken up, and the only correspondence I had from him was the long email he sent me eight days ago. Yesterday was pretty good; I went to the river with my friends and we got stranded because our raft popped. We spent the day just lounging in the grass and having fun. I didn't think about the ex much, which is good. The sadness that I had the day before crested and faded. I don't know if it'll be back. I'll cross that bridge when I get to it. In the meanwhile, I do wonder what he's been up to, but not enough to break NC. We are broken up, after all, so it's none of my business.
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