Jump to content

The Mad Pagan

Members
 View Profile  See their activity

  • Posts

    71

  • Joined

 Content Type 

Everything posted by The Mad Pagan

  1. The Mad Pagan
    I am really feeling lonely right now, and I don't know why. I don't want to get back with my ex, but I don't want to feel like this. Even in the presense of my friends, I am really experiencing some bitter pangs of sadness. I want them to stop, but I know that only time is going to help that. Gah! Why right now, when things are just getting back on track?
  2. The Mad Pagan
    The date did not go that well, since we really didn't share a connection. Hey, though, it was a date, and it will be the first of many! I don't plan on meeting someone special immediately. It took me a long time to meet my last ex, and a lot of goobers in between. I'm not giving up, even though every person I meet who doesn't live up to my standards makes me think about him more. Yes, it made me sad today when the date was done, and I'm still a bit sad (and lonely) here at work. No, it won't last forever. I'm gonna keep on truckin'. I have no choice, 'cause the ex doesn't talk to me anymore
  3. The Mad Pagan
    The days are seeming to fly by since I started working 45 hours a week. I also have my editing project, and a short story I'm working on. The ex barely has time to squeeze into my thoughts except in the lonely moments. I allow that; at least I can look at them with fondness rather than regret now. Even better, I have a date planned for today with someone new. I'm not saying I expect it to go anywhere, but at least I feel attractive enough to give it a try. Stay strong, everyone!
  4. The Mad Pagan
    Yup, still miss him. Not going to contact, though. Not worth it and it won't do any good. Nothing else to report. I worked all day.
  5. The Mad Pagan
    Though I am attaching little emotion to my thoughts, they nevertheless seem to run wild when I am alone. I just wish they'd go away so I could live my life properly
  6. The Mad Pagan
    This is like my fourth time starting NC, and every time I start I moan about having to go through the motions all over again. It is getting easier, though. I don't wonder how he's doing since he wrote me his email. I don't have to worry about him being in the hospital or anything, either. Right now I don't feel any strong emotions. There are moments when I'm angry and moments when I'm sad, but I'm an awesome guy and I deserve a willing partner, whether male or female. Staying strong.
  7. The Mad Pagan
    I saw my therapist today and we only talked about the ex for about five minutes out of the hour. The rest was spent on my slowly-being-repaired self-esteem issues. The rest of the day was good. I hung out with a friend and worked on editing a few of his short stories for publication. All in all, I'm feeling pretty good. Closure, real closure, does help!
  8. The Mad Pagan
    I do feel somewhat better now that the anger has returned. It's better than crying, anyway. This time I won't expect to hear from him again. He said his goodbyes, and whatever ridiculous hope I had is fading (though it is not yet completely faded). I want to reach the point where I'm not making up ridiculous schemes (like joining the same gym in a few months) just to see him. Then I'll know I'm good. I am praying for strength.
  9. The Mad Pagan
    I'm not looking at you funny at all, Dave. Remember that I've broken NC twice in a week now. Also, right after my Day 1 post this morning I had a breakdown. I couldn't stop crying and wondering why I have to suffer the way I have been. I'm not sad now, but a part of me is so angry and frustrated again that I don't feel like I can stand it. Argggh is right!
  10. The Mad Pagan
    So he contacted me yesterday. He wrote a long email about how he forgives me and hopes I find happiness in this world, and explained to me (after two months of ignoring me) what went wrong with BOTH of us in the relationship. It broke my heart, but I needed it. I did write him back to tell him everything was going to be okay with me, and that I hoped he found the happiness he deserved as well. And that was it...it's done! I won't say I didn't cry some, and for me that's a big deal because I don't do much crying. I also won't say the whole event didn't set me back a bit, because it did. I refuse to give into depression, though, and I can't hold on to my anger. Our relationship was broken, and it's time to find my peace with it. Whether or not he writes me back now, it doesn't matter. It's NC all the way.
  11. The Mad Pagan
    Yesterday I missed him quite a bit, but not enough to try to contact him or renew my hope or depression. Things in this world happen for a reason.
  12. The Mad Pagan
    Yesterday was a breeze. I worked all day, and barely thought about him at all except during a few very brief quiet moments.
  13. The Mad Pagan
    Yesterday I found out that my ex has been checking my profile on link removed, which is weird considering he has been acting as though I don't exist for over a month and a half. I also had a dream about him last night--the first dream about anything that I have remembered in some time. All in all, though, it was just another day. I went to the gym, saw my therapist, got some errands done, and enjoyed myself. No depression popped up. David: I can't fathom how hard it is for you healing from a relationship of such depth and magnitude. In comparison, my own experiences seem trite, and I am inspired by your courage in this tough time. Movies and songs are fantasies for the most part; how I wish real love was as pat!
  14. The Mad Pagan
    Don't beat yourself up too much, man, and don't let her get to you like this. She probably hurts and doesn't want to give you any false hope, so she is acting cold with you. I have had it happen to me in a few past relationships (though not my most recent!) and I only let it bug me for a little while. Be as positive as you can and stick to your guns. There's no need to let your anger cloud your reason, especially since you're trying to heal.
  15. The Mad Pagan
    Good on you, Dave. You're making excellent strides! Realizing that it's the relationship you missed in one good thing. Exercising is another. I find going to the gym very cathartic, myself. Not only do I look better than I have in ten years, I also feel healthy and vibrant.
  16. The Mad Pagan
    It's been about a month and a half since we last had any communication, but again not for my lack of trying. One thing I will say about his ignoring me: it's really helping the healing process. Without the setback of false hope, I am moving on with aplomb. I barely think about him anymore except negatively (in that I know we couldn't have worked out based on our personalities). I still miss him daily, but I know I wouldn't get back together with him now unless he proved he could work on his conflict avoidance issues as I have been working on my self esteem. He won't, I'm done. Staying strong!
  17. The Mad Pagan
    It's the second day of NC after emailing the ex, and I still feel dandy. I haven't thought about him much at all today, and I'd like to keep it that way. Anger at him sure did a lot to show me how inappropriately I've been treated by him.
  18. The Mad Pagan
    Feeling great! Anger has galvanized me, and sending that email yesterday had the opposite effect of all the emails I sent before. Rather than depressing me, it fueled my hunger to live. I'm enjoying socialization at work, as it allows me to see all the different kinds of people in the world. I do believe that I will meet someone who's going to make all of this look like a bad dream. For now, I'll stay single and enjoy the free life for a while
  19. The Mad Pagan
    I broke no contact today to write an email. I know the communication is one-sided because he won't give me the satisfaction of an answer, but I just told him why I think breaking up was a good idea (which I began realizing as soon as the anger stage hit) and wished him luck in his future. I said nothing hurtful, and I expect he won't even read it. It was just for me. As for how I'm feeling... I'm still very angry that I've been ignored for a month and a half, but I'm being the better person here. It's what's fair to me. I don't judge myself for doing it, because the idea didn't come from a place of desperation, but rather a need to truly close things in my own heart. I have been praying for a wall to be put up against him, and it seems to be working very well. I am at work, and starting at midnight tonight it'll be day one again. Stay strong, everyone!
  20. The Mad Pagan
    My paganism can be whittled down to a love for Mother Earth and all the creatures upon her. Pursuant to that, I am very open-minded, and have a healthy respect for all religions jn that they exist as aspects of the many virtues and follies of mankind. What I mean is that I follow a philosophy of observation without judgement As for the ex thing, I still have my bouts of thinking about it overmuch, but the depression doesn't creep into the equation anymore. I, too, still wonder how one human being can be so cruel to another. Even if something is in one's best interest, as the case may be for my ex, we don't deserve to be treated like we never shared a loving connection with them. I guess it's just the reality for many of us, though. At least we can all keep each other company in our misery!
  21. The Mad Pagan
    Yesterday I had no urge to call my ex, and the anger is persisting, though it was somewhat lessened by reflection. The depression, however, did not come back. I went tubing down the local river and went bowling, and both things were as joyful as I remember their being before the breakup. That's been happening a lot lately, actually. I'm not over the ex yet, but I am making strides. It's a shame he doesn't see how good a guy I am and what kind of future I can offer him. To heck with him; I find myself smiling a lot again, and my heart is full with love for friends and family.
  22. The Mad Pagan
    Yup, still angry and it feels really good, if only because I'm not depressed. I want to just let go and move on with my life!
  23. The Mad Pagan
    It sounds like it, but don't beat yourself up about it because a child is involved. Just start over again. We're all here to help each other be strong!
  24. The Mad Pagan
    Yesterday officially became the first day of my anger stage. I know it's not fleeting like the previous bouts of anger have been, either, because I'm still angry at midnight. I have realized by finally allowing myself to be angry that he wasn't the best thing for me. He runs away from his problems, as he did when we were together. That doesn't mean I still don't want him, but maybe that feeling is based on the fear of being alone and not any actual attachment I feel to him. Anger does feel a heck of a lot better than depression, that's for sure. I hope it lasts until the last of the hurt has faded to nothing more than a dull ache. Then I can finally say I'm done and mean it.
  25. The Mad Pagan
    ...and I can't sleep. Yesterday was really hard. I had one of those 'relapses' that I've heard people mention so often. I couldn't stop thinking about what could have been and wondering if my ex ever thinks about those things, too. It's been almost a month and a half now since we've talked. I wish I could just get over it already, but we were SO RIGHT for each other. The good far outweighed the bad, but I had (have?) lots of work to do on myself still. The gym helps. Therapy helps. Being with family and friends helps. Sitting and worrying about it most certain does not help. I want to call, or write an email, but it wouldn't mean a thing. I wonder if this will ever turn around.
×
×
  • Create New...