THE NO CONTACT CHALLENGE - SuperDave71

[pumpkinmoon]

what do you mean he doesnt want NC but he doesnt want to hang out at all?

 

It is hard, but some days will be easier than others. The further you get into NC the less likely u will break it i think. I wanted to so many times but this challenge kind of acted like a spell over me.

[ramsickle1369]

I know NC is hard but I hate giving up/in.

If all these other enots around me can do it, through the hurt and the pain, I can too.

I must be able to. NC isn't meant to be easy. I know he doesn't want to go NC, he'd rather we just didn't hang out at all, but I want to prove to myself that I can be strong.

Oh well. It's still day two and I feel okay today.

 

PS--You said it. It's about proving to OURSELVES that we CAN be strong. And for me, his contact does bring about hope, and I hate hope right now. It's "hope" that kept me in this boat for over a year when I should have let go a year ago.

[bronte]

Thank you, Hope and Ramsickle..I really appreciate your replies!

 

I do see this message from him as a sign that it bothers him that we're not talking, and I'll admit that it made me happy to know that he's been watching the calendar along with me (I thought I would probably hear from him eventually, but only a couple of days after that official "mid-April" mark? Wow.) But I also think that right now he wants us to be talking so he won't feel as guilty about the way he treated me, not because he's about to break up with New Girlfriend and beg for my forgiveness.

 

I haven't responded yet and don't think I will for a couple of days...I'll try to keep it light then, while also keeping it brief and not asking him questions or doing anything to prolong the exchange. One of my friends reminded me that since we're both graduate students and it's getting towards the end of the semester, I can easily blame an excess of schoolwork for not wanting to have long chats with him right now...

[ramsickle1369]

I do see this message from him as a sign that it bothers him that we're not talking, and I'll admit that it made me happy to know that he's been watching the calendar along with me (I thought I would probably hear from him eventually, but only a couple of days after that official "mid-April" mark? Wow.) But I also think that right now he wants us to be talking so he won't feel as guilty about the way he treated me, not because he's about to break up with New Girlfriend and beg for my forgiveness....

 

 

I think that is the ONE thing we all wish they would say to us... "I'm sorry for hurting you." The end. We need little more. It's the complete lack of compassion and empathy that leads us down a spiral to hell.

 

I haven't responded yet and don't think I will for a couple of days...I'll try to keep it light then, while also keeping it brief and not asking him questions or doing anything to prolong the exchange. One of my friends reminded me that since we're both graduate students and it's getting towards the end of the semester, I can easily blame an excess of schoolwork for not wanting to have long chats with him right now...

Good! Let him squirm!

[Hope_Springs_Eternal]

maybe things arent as great with the new g/f as you think. If he's been keeping one eye on the calendar shes not got his full attention has she?

 

I dont want to give you any false hopes at all, but it is quite enlightening that he has been paying such close attention IMO.

 

I think your right not to respond yet. give yourself some breathing room and let yourself formulate a great response that tells him just enough but not too much, that will leave him wanting more.

 

good luck, let us know how you go on x

[postscript]

what do you mean he doesnt want NC but he doesnt want to hang out at all?

 

It is hard, but some days will be easier than others. The further you get into NC the less likely u will break it i think. I wanted to so many times but this challenge kind of acted like a spell over me.

 

 

he doesn't want to see me, (every time we have met up since, he's been overly affectionate. i've pushed him away each time, but it is clear he can't treat me like a friend just yet and vice versa and he becomes even more confused)

yet he really wants to talk. he wants us to be able to talk, laugh, share what's going on in our lives, but not have to be looming over the inevitable question - "what's going on in our relationship?"

 

i know NC will become easier in time, everyone here on eNot is amazing. everyone has advice, everyone has similar feelings, it makes it easier because when i want to text him, or call him, i come on eNot and rant! it lets a lot of steam off!

[ramsickle1369]

PS--what do YOU want? Why is this guy being so affectionate if he doesn't want to be with you? This seems fishy and player-like to me. He doesn't want to let go completely in fear that another wont work out. Stand strong. Determine your preverbial line in the sand and refuse to cross it. Sometimes simply doing what's best for YOU is what get's them all interested again. But if that does happen, you truly have to be consious of your actoins and be sure to not fall into old habits.

 

I have hope for you because I believe that in time, if I can remain strong and be the confident woman he met as opposed to the complete wreck I was when he got to know me better (since I was in the midst of a divorce and several family crises) that he'll see me for the person I really am.... and miss me... perhaps a pipe dream and why I want him to miss me I will never truly understand. JMHO

[postscript]

i don't even know what i want man. i want him, i really do. i want to share my future with him. i want him in my life. i don't want to be his friend. i want to be his lover.

i would wait twenty years for him, if it were necessary.

i DO want change. i have reflected on my actions over the past two years and i have realised that i can be immature, manipulative, selfish. NO ONE likes those qualities in people. i know how i can change those things, and i am trying to do so.

i guess in the end.. i want him to be proud of me,

and i want to be proud of myself. even if he says it will never work again,

i want to be proud that i improved.

[ramsickle1369]

Good for you! It seems you want to do this for YOU (and if he happens to notice well, that's icing on the cake!) What disturbs me is that he wants so badly to be friends, but then is all affectionate?

 

take the time sweetie. You will get strong and confident and he WILL notice. Stand your ground. Know in your heart that you will wait (so will I). In the meantime, work on yourself.

 

There's a great book out there called "In the Meantime" by Iyanla Vanzant that talks about how to handle yourself while you heal and wait.

link removed

[postscript]

Thanks so much for your advice ramsickle. I have one more thing on my mind, it's bugging the hell out of me.

How do I trust him?

I want to change myself and I have been doing so but I feel like sooner or later he's going to tell me "look, don't worry about it, we aren't going to work",

and i KNOW i will feel like everything i did was for him and that it was a waste of time.

I feel like I will go back to square one.

Do I just go about my ways, work on myself, and just keep the false hope in my heart that he will want me back?

I do trust him, I have always trusted him, and he tells me he has faith in me, but I am not entirely convinced that he wants this to work, because he said last night that he is still unsure of what he wants.

It seems clear to me that if he is unsure after three weeks then it is not worth his energy.

[ramsickle1369]

Well, first, you're certainly welcome... it amazes me how when i respond to others' responses how the words reverberate in my own life.

 

Anyway, i would say don't trust him. At least not that he's going to be "the one". play it vague. Do not get overly involved... make him PROVE that HE's changed... I don't mean to be hard or anything, just remain reserved, yanno? Keep your autonomy.

 

In your case it doesn't really sound like a total false hope (as it is in my case). It's entirely possible that he will see the independent, confident YOU and get used to that. And you deserve to BE that person. This is also my goal. People do manage to change and get back together all the time...

 

Just keep your reservations. Don't fall blindly in love. Keep your eyes and your ears pealed! I wish you much luck... And yes, continue to go on about YOUR own ways and YOUR own life. If he wants back in it, he'll have to meet you half way at the least.

[postscript]

"Don't fall blindly in love"

thank youuuu, that made my day!

 

(true, i find myself giving people some advice here on eNot, and realising it's the kind of advice I need to hear...)

[ramsickle1369]

"Don't fall blindly in love"

thank youuuu, that made my day!

 

(true, i find myself giving people some advice here on eNot, and realising it's the kind of advice I need to hear...)

 

If you figure out how to DO that, would you please share?

[postscript]

HAHAHA.

Well, I figure I'm going to spend some time without contact, and re-assess our relationship.

I've never honestly asked myself "is it worth it?" because I HAVE been so blindly in love with him. I'm going to make sure that when/if he comes around ready to start over, that it really will be the best choice. If he or I are at all hesitant in the slightest way, I guess I'll know not to fall back into this black hole. haha.

[ramsickle1369]

the best question to answer for yourself is this: "is he what YOU want?? Does he fulfill YOUR needs?"

[MeSilly]

Day 6. And it was 4/20... I'm not a 4/20 person at all, but she was. It pains me that I know how her 4-20 festivities go... usually end in sex with her f*ck buddy... The thought of her being with anyone else still kills me. It's hypocrisy, since I've been with others, too, but I can't help it. Just KNOWING what must be happening f*cks me up. And makes me sad.

 

I'm watching a show called The Universe right now. Stephen Hawkings is on. I wish I could text you to let you know. I know you would still laugh at my impersonation if I called. Only you wouldn't. We can't talk.

 

Day 6. I miss you still.

[bronte]

maybe things arent as great with the new g/f as you think. If he's been keeping one eye on the calendar shes not got his full attention has she?

 

I dont want to give you any false hopes at all, but it is quite enlightening that he has been paying such close attention IMO.

 

I think your right not to respond yet. give yourself some breathing room and let yourself formulate a great response that tells him just enough but not too much, that will leave him wanting more.

 

good luck, let us know how you go on x

 

Thanks...I'll admit that I did take some pleasure in knowing that however wonderful his new gf may be, he's still thinking about me at least occasionally. But, I also remember that while we were dating he had an annoying tendency to unexpectedly start fondly reminiscing about his ex-girlfriends--I think the boy has trouble letting go!

 

I'm actually fairly certain that he does still have feelings for me, but I'm not expecting him to admit that to himself and come back at this point. I believe he's gone for good. NC for me was a way of regaining my mental and emotional health and to stop obsessing over him, and it's been working for the most part. I'll respond to his message eventually, but I'm definitely going to try to keep the contact as minimal as possible for my own sake.

[EyesOnThePrize]

Day 12 - Busy day. I thought about her a lot, didn't obsess about her. It turns out the guy I was staying with last night is divorced from a woman with seemingly a very similar personality and we were able to talk about some things, which was nice. I did terribly in the tournament, although I had a lot of fun. It was great hanging out and meeting a lot of new people and making some new friends. I had my nightly talk with her last night, just a short one...I was exhausted.

 

Finished a book I really enjoyed today about emotional regression, I'll post more about it at some point. It gave me a lot of insights on my behaviors (and some of hers) and why I reacted sometimes like I did, and perhaps how I can change them in the future. One of the things my ex told me was that I didn't "get it" a lot of times with her, and she was probably right. Now that I'm doing all this learning, I "get it" a whole lot more, and I'm confident I could deal with her more effectively in the future. In fact, I was temped to send her a text that just said "I get it now. Not all of it, I'm still learning, but I'm a lot closer than I was." I decided not to do this for 3 reasons. 1) I promised myself NC for at least 30 days; 2) I promised myself I wouldn't interfere with her new relationship and I think this would constitute that; and 3) I'm still learning, and if I said that today I could react more effectively as much of the time as I'd like, I think I'd be lying. And I think I'm on the right track.

 

I made a comment to my housemate about "I don't even know what's going on with her since I don't read her LJ" (which, in retrospect, was asking him what she had posted) and he mentioned she had just made one post about the storms in Texas, basically the same information she had left me on the voice mail a few days ago. He was also talking to someone with whom she used to work, and she thinks that my ex is probably going to be very unhappy in Texas. Still, that was her choice, she has to live with it.

 

Tomorrow, back on my Nutrisystem, back to the gym, back to the support group, a busy day!

[mankow]

Day 10th

Third of the way

two thirds to go

(I am meaning it 30 days)

[wyrllish]

Well had an interesting talk tonight, think she was having an extra bad day and real pissy in general. She's been getting mad that I'm supposedly 'ignoring her'. I told her I think it's best if we don't talk(she's all wanting to be best friends) while she feels the way she does. Just give me time I said.

 

She of course with her personality goes ape ****. Says fine, I'm deleting you off my friends list and off my phone(I've actually done all this a month ago). Phone thing doesn't really matter since she never uses my number anyway, been over a month. Goes on about," fine you don't want to talk I'm never talking to you again"-again shes completely being over dramatic and not even reading into what I said.

 

Her lifestyle has changed however. When we first broke up she was a drunken party girl for couple months. Now she works, sleeps and eats. She slept with a guy that she liked during that drunken time and...well ya. Her life is basically screwed right now in so many ways.

 

I've been much better emotionally. Not really sure how I feel about this new turn of events since she will most likely not attempt to contact-who knows. I do know though I don't just want to be all chit chatty. Suppose deep down I prefer her to try and keep contacting me but I need to know it's for genuine feelings other than her missing a friend. But come on it does feel good to have them try and contact you though right with them showing interest not hate?

 

Thought I was mostly over many of these feelings and thoughts but they seem to have risen back up. Here we go again I suppose and back on that path of NC and the hope of reconciliation. Believe I do want her to eventually say,"hey I miss you and want more then friends" but recently I've been getting over a lot of it. I'm confused too I suppose haha, but not nearly as much as she is.

 

Wow long, been a long time since I posted here. Needed to vent lol haven't talked about any of this so long.

[pumpkinmoon]

well its day 30!!!! I did have contact yesterday though so can I have a little bit of congratunlations as i was only 1 day out? lol

[digitaldiva]

I'm starting NC contact with my ex that dumped me twice, and now wants me back. Day 1

[EyesOnThePrize]

I'm starting NC contact with my ex that dumped me twice, and now wants me back. Day 1

 

I think if he truly wants you back now, he'll still want you back in 30 days. If he is just playing a game, 30 days will give him some time to sort out his head. Its like they say in recovery programs...."Try it our way for 90 days. The alcohol/cocaine/gambling/food/whatever will still be there in 90 days waiting for you with open arms. But for now, your disease is in control of your thinking. In 90 days you'll be able to think for yourself." I know that 30 days of NC is advocated here, and I think the same principle applies.

[Hope_Springs_Eternal]

Thought I was mostly over many of these feelings and thoughts but they seem to have risen back up. Here we go again I suppose and back on that path of NC QUOTE]

 

 

hi wyrllish, Your not on your own, a couple of us who broke up in the new year and havent had contact for 5 or 6 weeks were just saying that it just feels like its getting harder at the moment not easier.

 

Stick with the NC like us and Im fingers crossed it WILL as time goes on.

 

good luck, Hope x

[Mustang]

Day 19

 

Not really much to report today other than I'm nearly at the three week stage.

 

I think I tend to think about my ex more and make things worse in my head is when I am at home alone. I've been really busy this last couple of days and I think it's been very beneficial.

 

So the trick is to try and cut down being on my own as much as I can.

 

I am started to wonder what she is thinking/feeling. Is she thinking anything? Does my non-existence make any difference? It's the not knowing that's the hardest part...