THE NO CONTACT CHALLENGE - SuperDave71

[narudahija]

please help me and let me know how should i start. what are the specific things i should do? up to this time, he thinks that we are still friends. and he told me he is just there should i need him. he even calls me with our endearment before i left. i dont know what to do next.. although i wanted him back badly still... but i want my self back more than anything else.

[CreoUCLA]

Take some time to read the threads that SuperDave71 has posted. That's what I did.

 

Getting your life back starts with you. Honestly, I don't have all the answers (I mean, it's only my 6th day of NC)... But, I feel much better today than I did when me and the ex were still talking last week and all I ever got was a, "I'm confused" or "I need to be single right now."

 

It's time to find yourself, and make yourself happy. It isn't a quick/easy process, but in time you will see the light... And we're all here to help.

 

-Mike-

[narudahija]

mike, i appreciate your help. please do be there for me. thanks for the support. i know though that he would be calling me again, probably ask me out again soon. we have been going out for a while. i just cant take the fact that he has no plans of getting back yet. he is just confusing me and leading me on.

 

i hope to finish this challenge well. thanks that you guys will be just there.

[farfrmnormal]

I broke NC last night....

[WaterIsLife]

Rut R'Oh!!!!!!!! (in a scooby doo-ish voice)

 

 

I broke NC last night....

[farfrmnormal]

But I don't feel it was a bad thing - we had been exchanging contact for the past two weeks. Via text messages and the occasional phone call.

 

You may understand my circumstances more. A reply there with opinions would be great.

 

But basically - it didn't turn up any bad or ill feelings on either end. So is it bad in all cases when NC is broken. But IMO it wasn't NC - just a few days of miscommunication.

[qwerty1239]

It is difficult, but just take it one step... one day at a time. There is always hope for the future, but for right now, just concentrate on you and keep yourself busy. Go out with friends/family, and become the better person you've always wanted to become.

 

 

 

I know all about wanting the "quick fix" (we all do), but this is a time for patience and reflection. You can do it, and we're all here to help.

 

-Mike-

 

Thanks. The future just seems like it's so far away right now..

 

I hate how we had to break up because of circumstances (she realized that she just couldn't handle a distance relationship), and I wish she would just give me another chance. Originally, she left the door open for a possible reconciliation (but in the distant future), and asked to be friends for now. I tried to be friends, but I realized that I just could not do it. I wish I were stronger so that I could be friends. Instead, I ended up constantly pushing for us to get back together. Well, now we finally decided that this (NC) would be the best way. She told me to tell her when I'm ready, and that she'd be there for me when I am. But I'm scared. I'm just really scared. Scared that we're going to become strangers. I don't want all that's left to be just memories.

[CreoUCLA]

mike, i appreciate your help. please do be there for me. thanks for the support. i know though that he would be calling me again, probably ask me out again soon. we have been going out for a while. i just cant take the fact that he has no plans of getting back yet. he is just confusing me and leading me on.

 

I'm taking this challenge pretty seriously (for myself), so I'll be around for at least 23 more days.

 

I know how you're feeling, as those thoughts were in my head about 3 weeks ago. But, you'll slowly learn to accept things for the way they are, and learn to let go. What really motivates me to move on is this thought;

 

"If she really loves me, she wouldn't have broken my heart/left."

 

That doesn't mean I don't still love/miss her (I do), but it's the realization that I can't make her feel/think the same. In the future, who knows what will happen? But for right now, remember that this is about you.

 

Go do something that you've always wanted to do! For me, I decided to walk accross the Golden Gate Bridge, and I've started playing volleyball with friends. I plan on going to a movie sometime this week by myself (something I've never tried and wanted to experience). It's your life - take back control of it.

 

-Mike-

[CatsMeeoow]

Mike ----

 

The problem with walking accross the Golden Gate Bridge is that you have to turn around and walk back! LOL!

 

I did that - gosh that was years ago.

 

And I must say sneaking off to the movies by yourself is sooooo liberating! People freak out when I tell them I went alone - why is that? Why must we always be doing things in pairs????

 

Good Luck!

[CreoUCLA]

Originally, she left the door open for a possible reconciliation (but in the distant future), and asked to be friends for now.

 

I got the same types of responses from my ex, and I'm sure a lot of us have. The last time we spoke she asked me, "do you think we'll get back together in the future?" Of course, at the time, I said "yes!" She has also given me the "I need to be single right now" or "I'm confused" or the "can we just be friends" line.

 

But you know what? I realized that I want more than what my ex can give me (now), and I can't sit around and wait for her! You can't control the future. You can't control her. You can, however, control yourself. So, use this time constructively. Go NC, and make the most of yourself. It is easier said than done, but really be reflective about yourself and your role in the relationship, and then do things you enjoy. Take it one step at a time.

 

I have really learned so much about myself since the break started, but it's mostly been in the past week and a half. I finally see that I did lose a part of myself in my 5.5 year relationship with my ex. Now I'm trying to find the confident/out-going/independent person I once was, while working on who I want to become. Good luck!

 

-Mike-

[CreoUCLA]

Mike ----

 

The problem with walking accross the Golden Gate Bridge is that you have to turn around and walk back! LOL!

 

I did that - gosh that was years ago.

 

And I must say sneaking off to the movies by yourself is sooooo liberating! People freak out when I tell them I went alone - why is that? Why must we always be doing things in pairs????

 

Good Luck!

 

True, but it was much quicker walking back... Less time taking photos! I'm actually going to go back and bike accross it once the weather clears up. I've gotta fit all of these things in before I move back to Los Angeles at the beginning of the year.

 

image removed

 

In terms of the solo movie, I got the same reaction from my father. "Why do you want to go to a movie by yourself? That's so... depressing." But, he's the kind of person that always needs someone around... I think it will definitely be liberating, and that I (hopefully) will enjoy it!

 

-Mike-

[qwerty1239]

Thanks. Good luck to you too. I will try my best to make myself a better person.

 

I don't consider this an ending. But just a beginning of a new chapter. I won't wait around anymore for her to suddenly change her mind. But that doesn't mean I'm giving up on us.

[CreoUCLA]

Day 7

 

Woohoo! It's been a whole week. Why am I so excited? Because a couple weeks ago, I didn't think I could even go more than a couple days without hearing from her. At first, my ex just wanted to try a break for 5 days, and I was so dependent/clingy that I couldn't even let her have her space to sort things out. So, things escalated and got to the point where we both needed significant time apart.

 

"If only" I knew then, what I know now... Bah, no regrets! I'm learning here, and that's what matters most!

 

Today I feel excited for the future. I realized more things last night, especially in terms of the type of relationship I want to be in. I'm doing things for me now. I still have that "thing" where she (or the relationship) is the first thing I think about when I wake up in the morning, but at least I'm getting back to regular sleeping patterns.

 

Accepting all of the uncertainty and letting go is one of the most difficult things I've had to deal with in recent memory (I was in a car accident back in 1995 and broke my leg completely in half, but that's another story...). But now that I am coming to terms with things and I'm telling myself, "It's okay, everything happens for the best... I can do this!" and actually believing it... I'm believing in myself again.

 

-Mike-

[farfrmnormal]

Those of you who are doing NC - did your significant other tell you it was over from the beginning or was there still a glimmer of hope?

 

and what does LC mean? LOL

[dnozzle]

Those of you who are doing NC - did your significant other tell you it was over from the beginning or was there still a glimmer of hope?

 

and what does LC mean? LOL

 

 

 

LC = limited contact

 

As for hope, isn't it amazing what we will do to hold onto it? We lie to ourselves by ignoring the truth that is staring us right in the face. My NCex stopped talking to me for 2 weeks until I begged and pleaded her into it. Then she was completely cold to me, "but I could tell that wasn't the real her. She is just hurting." Then she tells me she doesn't love me anymore and can't think of any happy thoughts about the last 5 months we have spent together. None. Yet "oh she is just confused. She will come around when she feels better."

 

It's all bullcrap. The truth is, if they wanted to be with you, then they would be with you. The questions to ask yourself is not "why don't they want me?" but rather "why do *I* want someone who does not want me?"

 

That is the question I struggle with. The honest truth is that I was not happy in this relationship either. I felt very ignored and lonely in the relationship. I had even considered ending it myself a time or two over the past few months. Yet, as soon as SHE left, I fought like hell to get her to give me another chance. Why? Things weren't that great anyway.

 

The answer is obvious. We want most what we can't have. Think back to when you were a kid in the toy ailse. You would pick any random toy from a sea of shelves filled with toys, and ask your mom to buy it for you. If she said no, that one specific toy became your entire purpose for life. If you couldn't have that one toy, the world would stop spinning and all life would end. But guess what? The world did not stop spinning, all life did not end, and there was still a sea of shelves filled with OTHER toys that might have been more right for us, had we only taken the time to look.

 

Anyway, that's my rant for the day. I am on day 1. She told me she doesn't love me anymore last night.

 

* * * * *.

[CreoUCLA]

Those of you who are doing NC - did your significant other tell you it was over from the beginning or was there still a glimmer of hope?

 

There was always a glimmer of hope... My ex went from wanting a break and telling me that we could talk to each other, but not very often, to saying "we need to break up because you're not giving me time to think." In the past few weeks, she was always talking about the "future" and if we'll be together later on.

 

But, like dnozzle said, it's all b.s. If she really loves me and misses me like she claims, she wouldn't have left me. And honestly, today, I don't feel like I would want to get back together with her. It really wasn't a healthy relationship. I want someone to love me equally, and she isn't capable of doing that. So, I want to find someone who will. I deserve it... We all deserve it.

 

-Mike-

[farfrmnormal]

I thought that is what LC stood for, but wanted to confirm as I have seen it used often but not in the right context, that’s what confused me.

 

Since the beginning of our “break” he has not said anything to me that is hurtful or anything along the lines that your ex said to you. We were together for 4 yrs and the last thing that rings through my mind is “I don’t know what I would do if I lost you.” I guess you would consider my current situation LC, with bouts of NC. He does not say he doesn’t love me, he does not say he doesn’t want to be with me – what he does say is that he has issues and it is unfair that they be taken out on me – he wants to be able to sort these issues out without making me feel like I am the result of them. In combination with my issues we cannot be together right now and I know that – we are toxic together. Its just being patient and knowing when I should let go that I have to get a handle of.

 

Thing is, I was the one not loving him as much as he loved me - I don't want that back, I want a new chance. It took him telling me he needed some time for me to truly realize how much I love him. I can understand why he felt neglected and would want some time to think about things - I hurt him.

 

Its not that I am in denial or anything with regards to the relationship - I was the one that caused it to end. I have admitted my wrong doing, and am doing something about it.

[CreoUCLA]

 

Anyway, that's my rant for the day. I am on day 1. She told me she doesn't love me anymore last night.

 

* * * * *.

 

Sorry to hear that, but now you can find someone who truly does...

 

-Mike-

[narudahija]

thanks mike for the support. am glad you'll be around longer.

 

well, today is my day1. i hope to get thru this. i really want to let go.

[dnozzle]

She emailed me tonight to tell me she is going to be a grandmother. Her 16 year old son knocked up his GF. I think this could have a lot to do with what happened, but I am maintaining NC for now other than to say "congratulations." It doesn't seem like a good time for us to be talking about anything right now.

[CreoUCLA]

thanks mike for the support. am glad you'll be around longer.

 

Anytime.

 

I actually feel really good tonight. I went to play volleyball with some friends (league), and we won all 3 games.

 

-Mike-

[narudahija]

wow that's great. congrats! am having a hard first day though. i keep on thinking about him and the things i have done.

[CreoUCLA]

wow that's great. congrats! am having a hard first day though. i keep on thinking about him and the things i have done.

 

Thanks.

 

Let yourself feel/embrace everything at the beginning... You can't shut off your emotions like a faucet. It takes time. I still think about my ex pretty frequently, but I'm also keeping busy with other things.

 

Honestly, at almost 8 days in, I'm really starting to see that this break is for the best - for both of us. This doesn't mean that I don't have my ups and downs, but you will learn so much about yourself and what you want if you make the effort. You're #1 right now, don't forget that.

 

-Mike-

[narudahija]

i think i should keep myself REALLY BUSY.

[narudahija]

oh thanks a lot mike for the encouragement... ill get thru this... i hope.. i will do my best. my worries is that if he contacts me i might fall. he's the type of guy who reacts positively to no contact. and i am sure he will call or text me few days after doing this. when we last talked, he was showing very deep care and concern for me... he even called me "baby".. he doesnt like the idea that im leaving and moving on. but he was the one who broke up with me. sigh.

 

still i want my life back more. i cant stay like this forever. since he also said that he has no plans now. but there is still little hope in the future. but i cant stay around waiting for him to change his mind right?