farfrmnormal

Day 2 – My Muse For the third time around I am on day 2. As I mentioned in my post yesterday – I fully understand the meaning of closure. There is a great site that really helped me understand this - link removed I have read many of the articles on there, but the one that struck home the most was the one about called “The Post-Breakup No No List”. There are many things on there that make a lot of sense – most importantly the “No Closure Rule”. I thought I needed to hear him tell me its over and that he doesn’t love me to have closure. Really, the only way I can get closure is within myself. “Closure happens when you least expect it, when you realize you’ve done your work and moved on, and it happens from inside you. You don’t’ need to know what your ex thinks or why you ex did a, b, or c to move on. If you want closure you need to do your grief work, integrate the experience into your life and turn the page. Your “closure” is your responsibility. You get closure by doing your work, not by re-engaging and dredging up more stuff. You get closure by keeping yourself safe, being good to yourself and un-attaching from that which you have been attached. The only closure you can hope for is the closure that comes from inside you. The person who hurt you cannot give you closure, nor should you want them to or expect them to or give them that kind of power. You need to move on from where you are for you. Closure is part emotional work and part decision. At some point you need to turn the page and decide it’s over. Closure is your deal and yours alone. When you’ve done the grief work, worked through your inventories and made a decision to move on, that is closure. Closure happens for you and inside you. And only you. You get it from within, never from without.” The above is so true. I was holding on to something that wasn’t there. I turned the page and decided I needed to let go – I let go of the one thing that was holding me to him. I feel strong today – as I did yesterday. I really hope this doesn’t pass as it did before. However; I feel as though the conversation I had with him two days ago instilled some important information in me – his tone, and demeanour on the phone was cold and unattached. He asked questions to seem like he cared, but I know that what we had is gone now. I don’t want that anyways. I deserve to be loved by someone who loves me for me and by someone who will provide me with that love unconditionally.

I know I broke NC again, but I felt like I really and truly needed to be honest with myself and get rid of all of the things I was holding on to. Was I wrong in doing so? You know - I don't think it would be fair to the poor soul that inherited him if they could go to goodwill. I know its not the stuff that hurt me, its sitting in my shed right now so I suppose its out of my view. I have a quote for you all from the TV show Reba - it struck a cord with me and I think it will with many of you who have been told "I need to find myself". "When my ex-wife left me she told me she needed to find herself. I didn't have the heart to tell her she wasn't worth looking for" Of course, insert wife with boyfriend or girlfriend at your will.

Day 1 NC - AGAIN - But for good measure. I did some healing of my own last night. I sat down and really asked myself what it was I was holding on to. I realized it was hope. The hope he had instilled in me from the very beginning. The mixed messages he sent with regards to our future. I knew he still had some stuff of mine and I thought that if I gave him till the new year and asked for my stuff back then things would be back to normal - and we could get back together. I finally decided that holding on to this hope is not healthy. I have asked the universe for him and all I can do is sit back and wait. Like ordering from a catalog – I know it will come, I just don’t know when. If the universe does not provide me with a "healthy" him I will be provided with someone better and more compatible for me. So, I put my foot down and took control. I called him to set up a time to pick up the rest of my stuff. He asked me why I was doing this – I told him I needed to move on and by doing this I could. I feel liberated. My last comment to him was “You said you would call before, and you didn’t – so now that I have my stuff back you have no obligations to do so anymore.” I wished him all the best with his endeavors and if the mood strikes him sometime in the future feel free to call. I will not be calling him again anytime soon. Perhaps when I am fully over him I may pick up the phone – but, I have no need to anymore. I will have my stuff on Sunday and that is my last tie to him. I feel like burning all of the stuff he gave me now – is that too much? lol

Day 12 Today is day 12 – if I had have stuck with NC the first time I would be on day 22, but that is neither here nor there. I feel somewhat stuck. My emotions are confusing and I sometimes don’t get myself. I’m not sure if this is the realization phase or what…. I have no urge to call him, see him, send him a message or even have contact with him – but I still don’t feel like I have let him go completely. We spoke on Halloween (which broke my initial 10 days of NC) and had a good conversation. I made the call to have some unanswered questions answered, which obviously surrounded the relationship. I wish I had not mentioned anything about the relationship now, but I cannot change the past. The entire conversation was not about our past though, in fact, most of it was just us catching up. At the end of the conversation he said he would call me and that it wouldn’t be two weeks before I heard from him (like the last time – and I only heard from him because I made the call). So here I am at Day 12 of NC and there is no phone call. I’m not upset that I have not heard from him, because frankly I don’t want to talk with him unless he is calling to make amends. I am just upset that he has broken his word. Someone’s honesty and integrity means more to me then the phone call. It truly is odd to me – in the 4 years we were together he was always honest with me. I do know that he owes me nothing and doesn’t have to call. Point being is – don’t say you will if you won’t. How much of what I was told (the reason behind us not trying to fix our relationship) is really the truth? I can’t continue to rack my brains wondering – I hate the mixed messages he sends when we talk. “Yes, I am optimistic about us – but then again you never know what will happen”. I hold on to that – how do I let go of that little bit of hope he has instilled? I don’t let him know that it has affected me – he can’t know. He would then hold all of the power. I need to let go. I know what we HAD is gone and I don’t want that. Memories and flash backs of the good times out weigh the bad times – what can I think of to sway the thoughts? All in all, I am good – I feel good. Is this just part of the process?

DAY 9 – The second time around I posted about 10 days ago about making contact with my ex – I stated that I wasn’t going to do NC. However; I have been. Not purposely however; I just haven’t had the time to devote to a conversation with him. During out conversation last Wednesday he told me he would call – he hasn’t and it really doesn’t bother me. I’ve started meeting some new people in my area – a few of them being other men. I am reserved with the idea of spending time with them as anything but a friend - but how do you meet someone new for the first time and not consider it a date? It has been two months since we broke up and seems too soon in my mind.

Well, its been 13 days since we went our separate ways but two months since he told me he was unhappy and needed a break. There was so much going on inside my head for the past 4 days and it just wouldn’t stop. I needed to say everything I had on my mind and I did. I broke my self imposed NC last night. He sounded surprised to hear from me. As if he didn’t expect it (Which is what I was hoping). He asked why I had not called earlier and I asked him the same (we never said to one another that we wouldn’t call one another). I didn’t call for gratification, I didn’t call him because I missed him. I didn’t beg, grovel, plead or cry – I was strong. My therapist has told me that I need to express my feelings more and tell individuals how I feel, so I did. The conversation started off with small talk – catching up. I asked him how he was (to be honest he sounded terrible) and he asked me the same. I didn’t expect any reactions or responses from what I had to say – I just new it had to be said. I told him how angry I was that he didn’t give things a chance. I also made sure to tell him that I wasn’t calling to get us back – because I know we cannot be together the way things are. I told him that I sincerely hope he can find a place where he is happy again (wherever that may be) and that all things happen for a reason, even though these things don’t make sense. They may not make sense to him, but they make sense to me now. It pains me to see him suffering so much through all of this – he is the only one that can deal with things now. He chose this. I chose to become a better person through all of this. He is a mess right now – you’d think that I was the one that did the dumping. Its hard to understand where exactly he is coming from – I have never been so unsure with myself that I can’t even think about what direction I want my life to go. I honestly think that something inside his head has snapped and he is going through a major depression or break down. Last nights conversation re-affirmed why exactly we are not together right now. I need to let go of what was and slap myself in the face to look at what is – who he was is dead and that’s who I fell in love with, not the man he is now. I told him that he is free to call me if he needs to - I really would like to be friends (I didn't tell him that). Whether he calls or not is up to him – I don't need to hear from him to feel good. I genuinely just want to see him happy. I know many of you are going to frown upon me breaking the NC – but honestly, it didn’t set me back in my healing, it didn’t make me look desperate because I wasn’t begging for him back and I didn’t do it because I was missing him – I did it for ME. I honestly don’t know if I will continue with NC – simply because I don’t feel the need to talk to him anymore. NC is something I feel is done when you need to heal. I am not saying I am completely healed and ready to date again – but I do feel like I am in a better place now.

Day 10 I went to kickboxing last night – I wish I could do it for a living or 24 hrs a day. When I leave there I feel so empowered and I realize that it is such a shame that he didn’t give me a second chance in the relationship. I have done everything he asked me to do – it was just a little late (After he told me he wasn’t happy). At first I sought counselling and new activities in the hopes that he would see I could be a better person – after a few sessions with the counsellor and a couple nights of kickboxing the things I was doing were for me. That is what they continue to be. As I mentioned above – I am starting to enter the anger phase, but as with anyone I seem to waver between phases sometimes – which I have been told is normal. Similar to Frangipani I am a little upset that he hasn’t called – I did not ask him not to. Perhaps he finds it hard to talk to me as well and is doing the same thing as me. I feel as if he will contact me one day (as he said I would be the first person he calls when he figures out which direction he wants his life to head). Right now my aim is to be in a better place by then so I can handle whatever the outcome may be. I am really hoping I can figure out what I am holding on to (since there isn’t much left) and let it go. I posted a profile on link removed last night – I know I am NOT ready for dating, but I do feel I need to expand my circle of friends. I stated strictly in my profile that I was there to meet new people and nothing more. I think a stronger circle of friends and a larger social outlet will help me fill my time better. My weekends are dreadful and I have too much time to over-think and over-analyze the situation. I do however have a fear that it will get back to my ex that I have posted a profile on a “dating” site – even though I am not there to date. That’s another fear I have to let go of. Tonight is Halloween – I look forward to all of the kids in their costumes coming to my door for candy. I may even jaunt out to the grocery store after work and see if I can find a pumpkin to carve. I know I will be putting in my cats eye contacts tonight for the added Halloween touch. Insight? Comments? I appreciate all feedback and learn from it.

Day 9 Still fighting the urge to call - its not so much because I want to talk to him its because I am starting to get angry. How can someone walk away from 4 yrs and not look back. To be honest, I thought he would have called by now – maybe that’s what I was hung up on. I think things would have been easier if we had left things on a sour note. Things were amicable – not to confuse that with me wanting this by any means. By amicable I mean we left on friendly terms. I have not said hurtful things to him and he has not said any to me. We both cried that day. I said “If you love something set it free; if it comes back to you its your – if it doesn’t it wasn’t meant to be” and I told him I was letting him go. I need to let go – compartmentalize this issue and bring it to the foreground when the time is needed. I still have this feeling that we will be together again – but I hate that.

Day 8 Took a week away from the board to reflect on things going on in my life. Some really positive things came from it - but... I still struggle with the unknown. I need to let it go and let the universe deal with it. That song above made me cry - first time in days.

DAY 2 Yesterday was a good day – it started off well. Sunny, and warm. Not something you would expect for a fall day in Ontario. Sun makes me smile & definitely improves ones outlook on the day. I have been focusing on positive thoughts and feelings – through my readings of “The Secret” and watching the documentary movie. It makes sense and to be honest, it does work. Yesterday for example; on my way back to work I envisioned myself parking in a parking spot closer to the front of the building. Guess what, when I got there all I had to do was wait a few seconds and I had a parking spot that was much closer to the building. However; happy thoughts do not always keep you happy. The last few hours of work my mood seemed to change – I talked to my mom about it when I got home. I immediately did something about it. I watched another portion of “The Secret” and the rest of my evening was great. Now to tackle today….positive thoughts.

Not to hi-jack the thread - which one was it you took?

After 39 days of LC & emotional limbo I am starting a new chapter in my life – without him. After reading a message posted to his facebook it prompted me to finally gather my composure and tell him that the emotional stress from this limbo we were in was killing me. On top of my relationship with him, my relationship with a few friends was shaky as well. I was physically and emotionally drained. During our conversation on Friday he told me he has no idea where he sees himself going anymore and needs to find himself. I am letting him go to do that – “If you love something set it free. If it comes back to you, its yours – if it doesn’t it was never meant to be” continuously runs through my head. Saturday after was a good day – the evening was horrible. I sobbed and sobbed in front of my mother – we talked and she cried too. She hugged me and told me it kills her to see me like that. We watched a funny movie and I slept well that night. Yesterday I lapsed – I called him. Why is it a couple days after that dreaded talk you have questions? He picked up after the first ring – he sounded happy that I had called, but I did not read into that. I asked him the questions and we talked a bit about the leadership course he is signed up to go to in December – its in Las Vegas. I got my answers and hung up – damnit! I realized just seconds after I forgot to ask him the name of the place that is holding the leadership course and called him again. A short answer and the phone was hung up. I continued on my daily dos and at around 4pm I had this nagging feeling – I wanted to know more about the course and whether it might be something for me – damnit! I called again. This time, the line went dead before I could leave a message – if that wasn’t bad enough – I had to call again to leave a message. He didn’t return the phone call. I feel stupid. I KNOW that if I to call him it could affect everything he and I had talked about for the future (He told me that as soon as he figures out where his life is going I would be the first one he calls. We also agreed to sit down eventually and discuss where things are going with one another). But will ONE DAY of phone calls really change his entire perspective of me and will he still think about it 6 months down the road? I am not basing my daily activities on the hope that one day we will be together again – I can’t. If I did my situation now would be no different then it was on Friday. So as each day passes (I know its only been 48hrs) I will get stronger and be able to move on. So today I start day 1 of NC. I might be posting here a lot at first. Its funny – I have been going through this for 40 days, but knowing that things are that much more final is hard. I will cry when I feel like crying, and sob when I feel like sobbing – its me healing.

I thought that is what LC stood for, but wanted to confirm as I have seen it used often but not in the right context, that’s what confused me. Since the beginning of our “break” he has not said anything to me that is hurtful or anything along the lines that your ex said to you. We were together for 4 yrs and the last thing that rings through my mind is “I don’t know what I would do if I lost you.” I guess you would consider my current situation LC, with bouts of NC. He does not say he doesn’t love me, he does not say he doesn’t want to be with me – what he does say is that he has issues and it is unfair that they be taken out on me – he wants to be able to sort these issues out without making me feel like I am the result of them. In combination with my issues we cannot be together right now and I know that – we are toxic together. Its just being patient and knowing when I should let go that I have to get a handle of. Thing is, I was the one not loving him as much as he loved me - I don't want that back, I want a new chance. It took him telling me he needed some time for me to truly realize how much I love him. I can understand why he felt neglected and would want some time to think about things - I hurt him. Its not that I am in denial or anything with regards to the relationship - I was the one that caused it to end. I have admitted my wrong doing, and am doing something about it.

Those of you who are doing NC - did your significant other tell you it was over from the beginning or was there still a glimmer of hope? and what does LC mean? LOL

But I don't feel it was a bad thing - we had been exchanging contact for the past two weeks. Via text messages and the occasional phone call. You may understand my circumstances more. A reply there with opinions would be great. But basically - it didn't turn up any bad or ill feelings on either end. So is it bad in all cases when NC is broken. But IMO it wasn't NC - just a few days of miscommunication.

I broke NC last night....