Is my new husband EVIL?

[v8vachon]

To make a long story short. I have known this man 5 years prior to marrying him, we have a 2 yr old daughter together. We just got married in October 2006.

I always have been very carreer driven, I am a mortgage loan processor. In June of 2006, I openned my own loan processing company, I work out of my home for now but I have survived financially. He is a mortgage broker, so it's very convenient for him that I am wroking from home since I process his loans as well.

He has been a bachelor until he was 36, me on the other hand, this is my second marriage.. it seems to me as though he is very selfish and his priority his himself.. how long do i go excusing it?..EXAMPLE we are in the process of choosing options for our new construction home.. he wants all these extravagant options and when I voiced my opinion he responds" when you make more money than me, then you can say what you want, until then, youre secondary!" So when did my financial status begin to reflect on who i am and the fact that i am HIS WIFE! This is just one example, he does things like.. go places and i find out he's gone somewhere AFTER the fact, he forgets he has to communicate to me.. just a ME mentality. I am fed up and i've only been married to him 3 months. When .. or is he at all going to start thinking US instead of HIMSELF! I need your input!

[lipostudio]

I have a friend in a relationship with a man who sounds very similar. He is incapable of doing his part around the house, belittles her job, and believes that he is top dog in their relationship. They've been together quite a while and he hasn't changed.

 

When it comes to someone like this, they have to realise and accept that they need to change. Does he know how you feel? Will he even engage in conversation about it or does he just shut you down like in your example? If he's not even communicating with you, or willing to try to communicate, it sounds like a lost cause. It might take something drastic, like a separation, to make him see that he's behaving in an unacceptable way - or he might never see it.

 

Sounds like a fundamental thing, though - which means it'll be a lot of hard work changing HIM, as a person, if he agrees that is what needs to happen...

[Goldfish6888]

Marriage is hard esp. the first year.

 

They say its all about people asserting their needs and its also about re-adjusting mentally to the thought you are with this person "till death do you part". My best friend is just married three months and they have found themselves constantly arguing too.

 

You are right he probably is used to not consulting with someone else. BUt you can't fight aggression with aggression. Someone has to take the role of the adult here. Seeing as you are posting here - I guess its you!

 

Why don't you say something like we are a team on this house build and i can't do it without you, so lets talk about it together.

 

was he like this in courtship? Or has this all happened since you got married. This is a stressful time - you're coping with being newly married, establishing a fledgling business, raising a daughter and on top of that a house build! Why don't you two just go out for a romantic dinner and raise this to him in a non aggressor way. Just drop it into the conversation that you are stressed out and need his help and really need his support and advice in your life. You are a team now. Perhaps this is what he needs. To feel needed. And you need to feel like he is taking care of you and your partner....

 

My friend who got married makes a point of having a date night every Wednesday. She leaves it up to him to sort out the date....dinner....bowling...cinema......(men like to think they are in control....even though you ultimately are!!)

 

I wish you luck and hope you two find the happiness you deserve!!

 

Happy New Year!

[v8vachon]

Thanks for your response Lipo!

He apologizes everytime, but sorry just doesnt do it anymore... he has be littled me for working from home, says i do nothing...business has been slow for me and dead for him...so there is a lot of financial pressure.

He is good around the house, since he's been a bachelor for so long, he takes care of himself .. i.e. irons, washes clothes, cooks, does dishes, vacuums.... he takes initiative to help out.. it's just thathe has this expensive taste with cars and luxurious living .. and he basically rubs in my face that HE will be paying for most of the mortgage.. so I have nothing to say about it.. Im more conservative and really could care less about luxury if it's not practical.

so yes.. he does apologize..but why cant he just STOP IT!

[v8vachon]

Thanks Goldfish, yes he was like this in courtship, he has gotten better since we got married but it's still there. we did not live together until we were married so I only got glympses of this.

I figured when we'd be married it would eventually change, i knew it woud take time. He's been alone for so long. But I am fed up with it. he took to another level last night when he said" when you make more money than me.. you can have a voice until then.. you are secondary?" is that how he sees it? YIKES I'm in trouble if it is.

[Jeffrey2095]

In my own experience, I have met people who I would consider pushy or controlling. I believe that this is a manifestation of low self esteem.

 

The controlling personality does this because at one time in their life, someone was controlling to them, (And now it's their turn, see.) or more commonly because a parent continuously put them down. "Can't you do anything right? Why can't you be like your sister... So, they compensate for this by telling someone else "what to do".

 

It elevates their self-esteem, unfortunately, by putting you in a subordinate position.

 

This is tough, and I really don't have any great "advice", but I thought it might help to suggest what might possibly be "going on" here.

 

I have had some luck in telling the person just what I told you, often they don't realize how they are, much less why.

 

Best wishes to you both.

[v8vachon]

Thanks Jeff.. actually you are right as far as having someone putting pressure on him growing up..his father was very tough on him. But I never thought that would have anything to do with him not considering me or my feelings in anything he does. I thought that was just him to wanting to communicate. Thanks for the insight!

[BellaDonna]

I think the 2 of you should get into marriage counseling ASAP, before this situation gets worse.

 

If he was like that in courtship, then that's the way he has always done things and he's not going to change without some kind of intervention.

 

Unfortunatley, if money is that much of a prioroty to him, and he thinks that only money allows people to have a voice, it may be a very difficult road ahead. If that's how he measures the worth of a person then it will be hard to undo.

 

There has already been a major breakdown in communication if he tries to keep you quiet by throwing the money issue in your face each time.

" when you make more money than me.. you can have a voice until then.. you are secondary?"

 

Honestly, if someone ever said that to me I would be gone so fast. -and I come from a relationship where I make more money than my husband. I would NEVER imagine even bringing it up.

 

That statement about being secondary is very degrading.

 

Did he says things like that to you when you were dating?

 

BellaDonna

[v8vachon]

No Bella.. He NEVER has said anything like that to me until yesterday, I slept on the couch last night..I didnt want to be anywhere near him.. and he has the never to leave me a sticky note saying "Im sorry" .. I clearly see verbal abuse.. I do not want to be in this.. not only that but I do not want my daughter to see that I ACCEPT this kind of behavior. I am ENRAGED and DISGUSTED by my husband's behavior.. all over a third car garage that I said we didnt need!

[BellaDonna]

Do you think he would be open to going to marriage counseling?

 

If he is truly "sorry" hopefully he will give counseling a chance.

 

The one positive thing I see is that at least he did realize that he was wrong. So all hope is not lost....

 

I just think marriage counseling is the best thing you can do- because it's only been 3 months and you're already experiencing major difficulties and a breakdown of communication. If you don't intercept this early, my fear is that it will only get worse.

 

BellaDonna

[Relationship Coach]

Bella is right, you need to nip this quick and putting himself above you because of financial earnings is a major red flag. Counseling is a chance to create level ground for seeing each other as equals. His behavior has hurt you and he needs to understand that beyond a token apology. Charge him double to process his loans.

 

RC

 

After thought: The third car garage is probably a forshadow of his approaching mid life crisis, a two seater sports car or a Harley.

[BellaDonna]

Charge him double to process his loans.

 

 

YEAH! lol

[Beec]

Well, his comment is wrong. It just is. If it is going to both both of your homes, then you need to make sure you both can call it "our" home. I have some of issues with space, etc., but nothing like what he said. In my case, we fight over space, since I moved into her place, I've had to struggle to get room in it. However, she's never said she wouldn't.

 

I think in many cases, yes, the big bread winner should be differed to, if they are going to be paying the majority of the costs from their earnings. But, if you get no say, he should be getting a figth from you.

 

As far as the sticky note saying "I'm sorry." To some extent, I don't see huge issues with it. The man apologized, and it should be accepted as such. It can be criticized as a poor apology, but still it is one.

 

One the other hand, you should be either sitting him down and having a chat about yours, his and ours, and how a home needs to be ours. And that is it is not, then it is not a home, and it's not a place you will want to live. Or suggest some outside intervention.

 

I don't see him as being inherently evil, just self-centered in some of his thinking. That needs to change. He needs to learn what love is, and he might need to be shown, as described in my signature.

[v8vachon]

I will talk to him about it tonite. He is extremelly good at pointing fingers and turning tables around. I just dont want counceling to open a can of worms for us. I have seen many couples going to conceling and it made things worst for them. Counceling didnt work in my first marriage either. I think individual counceling works better than together.

Whatever it is.. I agree that we need something!

[v8vachon]

Thanks for the insight Beec, i think he does need to show more love, he's good with love towards his kids but with me, sometimes I doubt if he has my best interest in mind, I even see him as a mean person sometimes in general. Things have changed, I still love him and want to make things work but I see him in a bad light, he can be very demeening and harmfull with words.

[v8vachon]

I will charge double for his loans.. good idea!!!

[arwen]

I will talk to him about it tonite. He is extremelly good at pointing fingers and turning tables around. I just dont want counceling to open a can of worms for us. I have seen many couples going to conceling and it made things worst for them. Counceling didnt work in my first marriage either. I think individual counceling works better than together.

Whatever it is.. I agree that we need something!

 

Well, I think that if there IS a can of worms it's better to open it sooner rather than later when they are multiplied and it bursts open. Sorry for the gross extension of the metaphor, but that is what will happen in my opinion. Do you truly want to bottle this up? Why do you think that counselling will open up a can of worms? I think that if this is true for couples in therapy, there was probably even more reason to have therapy and face the issues than first appeared.

 

Arwen

[Siriana]

His comment was degrading for you as a woman.

You contribute to the marriagge in the same extent he does. He is maybe earning more money but I bet you do other things to keep the place functioning that counts as equal at least.

 

Now have you ever asked yourself why he was a bachelor until 36?

[v8vachon]

I have Syrix.. He was engaged before but it didnt work out in the end. He's had 2-3 live in girlfriends... just been shy about marriage...he wanted to wait for the "right" one, he tells me all the time that I am the best wife in the world.. and more.. but the worth of those compliments die when he keeps bringing up the fact that I make less than him. All of this has led me to think maybe i should go back to working for someone else.. just so he'd leave ma alone about this.

[annie24]

so if you were a stay at home mom, you would have NO say in what kind of house you bought? I remember reading somthing like if a stay-at-home mom got compensated for all the work she does (cooking, cleaning, errands, groceries, etc...), she would be paid $140,000 a year. If you are doing any of these things, you are also making a contribution to the household.

 

I agree, get counseling before things get worse.

[v8vachon]

I just have received an email from him and wanted to post it.. like I said, he's very good at pointing fingers, he blames his blowing up at me .. at the fact that I continued to talk when he said THIS CONVERSATION IS OVER! i will accept the apology but I still think we need help.

 

Email from my husband

 

Let me first start off saying again I am sorry for my actions last night, there is no excuse for the way I acted. I need to get somethings off my chest. It pains me to know that you truly don't believe in me. I can only think of (1) other time in the last 4 years where I was concerned about making my bills, and that was when the mortgage co. in downtown fort lauderdale cheated me out of my commissions, but 2 weeks later I was back to being ok. EVEN when Corey * * * *ed up and cost me $8500 hundred during my transition to Fieldstone, money was still not a problem. MONEY..... is not going to be a problem for me, I have always made it and will continue to make it. Yesterday, you gave me a whatever at D&B like the wife did in the movie we saw. I don't think you respect me the way that you did before I left Fieldstone. You are basing our affordability of a home on my downfall today, but my last 4 years speak for itself. I include you in every decision made for the family.....cause you are my wife and I love you soo much, more than any woman I HAVE EVER KNOWN,and more than myself. But if I can maximize our dollars based upon what we had already budgeted, giving us great resale power, than I am interested in obtaining that with an open mind. I have to look at the future also, what if we got the basics, and we did not like Jax and we had to sell? what is our positioning power vs the market. Why not let an outside person direct us to what makes more since( realtor) for us. Getting back to me....you should know me, if I say I don't want to talk about it anymore, let it go until I can calm down, no, you had to push me several times. I told you 3 times in the car. I told you on the third time I was getting amp'd and you refused to stop. That is no different than me touching you, when you don't want to be touch during an argument and you smack me or threaten to throw something at me. We all have bounderies and limits, and they were both crossed, by both of us.

[Siriana]

Once I had similar experience with an ex bf that COMPLETELY changed my view toward him, and I understand how his comment hurts.

That's one of the worst things a guy can tell to his wife (also saying her how she's fat is high on the list

It is more or less common that woman earns a little bit less. Having kids can slow your career down (if anyone disagrees please try not to start a debate about it).

 

My ex told me when I asked him why you don't buy a new car (we were dating 2 years, he was 30, he lived alone, had no debt, and his car was 12 years old at the moment and it was very dangerous driving it in on open road, and he didn't want to take a car on credit but cash only!): it is my money so I will do what I want to do it, leave me alone! And than I tought wait if he's so defencive now, what will be later.

 

Looks like your guy got used to live the way he wants without compromizing his wishes. And he has a pretty much traditional way of viewing male and female role in a marriagge. You know the best if that can be changed!

 

I've red the email so I have to add - looks like he was offended because he felt like you were questioning his ability to earn enough to cover the expences he's about to made.

[annie24]

I don't know if this helps you or not... I take it you are building a property that will be sold one day? And you two are arguing over finishings? Hm, he has a point, making certain upgrades can really make the house have a greater resale value, if you are making the right choices. One thing I did when choosing the finishes for my home was to consult with an designer with a lot of experience in designing homes for resale and she helped me choose the finishes that would appeal to the widest audience when I resell.

 

I was watching a bunch of home improvement/house flipping shows on TV over christmas break and I was appauled by some bad decisions people were making in how they chose to spend their home budget.

 

So, ok, now I am just rambling. Does he have a lot of experience in building a home, what finishes to choose? it may be worth it to have a consultation with a professional/adviser who can tell you where are the places to take the upgrades, and where not to waste your money.

 

Maybe that can head off some of the arguments between you guys?

[Beec]

OK, not sure if he has a point or not in his argument, he may. I've known women to ignore the warning signs and keep pushing a man's buttons, sometimes only because she can (Mom did and does this). If you angered him knowing that the warnign signs were up and could have discussed it at another time, then you need to accept that, and you shoud even apologize perhaps. Or you can tell him, I knew what I was doing, but we needed to get it out.

 

But the thought that he takes supremacy over you because he makes more money is the issue. It's not so much that he said it, which is awful, but how do you get him from thinking it?

 

As far as his oney argument, I think that maybe you should tell him that it's not always faith in him, it's that sometimes you think you need to put your money into other things, like maybe think far down the road towards retirement.

[Beec]

I don't know if this helps you or not... I take it you are building a property that will be sold one day? And you two are arguing over finishings? Hm, he has a point, making certain upgrades can really make the house have a greater resale value, if you are making the right choices. One thing I did when choosing the finishes for my home was to consult with an designer with a lot of experience in designing homes for resale and she helped me choose the finishes that would appeal to the widest audience when I resell.

 

That's not a bad suggestion, but I would talk to realtors, not designers. If you want to know what sells for more, ask the sales people esp. when they also set the asking prices.

 

We are going to be remodeling something we bought. And one of the things we noticed was that the real high end stuff did not get paid for at resale. We looked at a house with two $20,000 ovens, and lots of other fantastic stuff. It was on a tour of homes solely so people could see its butlers pantry. It cost significantly more to build than the neighboring houses, and was much larger. It was just over 5,000 sq.ft. and the neighbors had over 3,800, but the 3,800 feet were awkward with no dining room. The lots were the same size, and the neighbor probably has the better lot. It sold for more than the neighbors, but only 123% of that neighboring house. The big house's sale showed that it was clearly not worth the extras put into the house.