Ex is in the process of moving out and I have to stay and watch

[priudias]

My ex bf of 6 years (so weird to say that) is moving out today and tomorrow. I was planning to be out of the house because I was terrified to watch it, however, in my way to work this morning I slipped and fell on the street and sprained a ligament in my knee, and I had to go back home after going to the doctor. How messed up is that? I called my friend to be with me because I was afraid to be alone and starting crying and so forth…

 

Our break up is very recent, a week on Friday. However, it needed to happen because we have different lifestyles and choices for the future. I’m conscious that it will be better for us, and even though I still love him very much, I can’t see us as a couple anymore. I’m on a stage of grief…I’m grieving the loss of the life we had as a couple, and the fact that we’ll never have the same kind of relationship again. I also wish I knew we were gonna break up, because it was so sudden. We’ve been having underlying problems for a while, but I personally didn’t expect a break up, it was his choice, although I understood and agreed.

 

But my problem is that we’ve been having very little contact since the break up, we chose that way. We’ve been texting and emailing to talk about the moving, bills, phone line, etc.. All these things that need to be taken care of. Our texts and emails are very business like, and we haven’t really talked about our feelings in person since we decided to end our relationship (he’s been staying w/ a friend).

 

Today he got in my apt, said a really dry hello, and went on packing his stuff. All day we didn’t exchange a word and thank God that my friend was with me. When he left, he didn’t say goodbye, but later he texted me saying that he was sorry if he was rude, but he can’t handle speaking face to face yet. I wrote back saying that I understood, that I feel if we talk now it will be emotional and it may feel like we are breaking up all over again.

 

However, he’s coming back tomorrow morning for the rest of his stuff. I can’t get out of the house because of my knee and my friend won’t be here. Tomorrow is the real goodbye…I’m undecided if we should talk, or if we shouldn’t say a word like today. I feel we own each other kind words, because after all, we are not mad at each other.

 

This is so hard. Should I say goodbye tomorrow and tell him some of my feelings? Or should I just ignore it… It was a 6 years relationship. I feel if I don’t say anything, we won’t have closure, but I’m afraid of talking to him, and feel like we are breaking up again. Please tell me what you think.

 

Thanks for reading,

Priscilla.

[DN]

This will be hard to do but I do feel that you would be best to say goodbye as kindly as you can manage without breaking down.

 

But keep it short and to the point so that you have a better chance of controlling your emotions.

[dogheadma]

I don't know, this is a tough one. I really feel for you.

 

If you have things you would like to say and you think the two of you can speak to one another reasonably and calmly then go ahead and say them.

 

If on the other hand, you think it would cause a heated environment and hurt feelings, then maybe it would be best to just let it lie for the time being.

 

Hang in there, I wish you well.

 

(((Hug)))

[priudias]

Thanks guys!

 

I don't think it could cause an argument, we are not mad at each other... However, I am afraid that it could get emotional... We haven't shown lots of emotions to each other yet because it could be harder that way, but I know I've been emotional in private, to my friends and family. My emotions are like a rollercoaster, which for what I've been reading here is normal in a break up situation. Sometimes I feel calm and rational, and other times I'm crying non stop.

 

That's what I'm most afraid of, to not get a hold of myself and for him not to get a hold of himself...

[romantic sweetheart]

Six years is a long time--The soul becomes intertwined with another soul--Layers of love, feelings, passion, joy, ups and downs....swirl together and form beautiful memories, painful memories.....Hopes are structured and nurtured, and then hopes are dashed. Six years is indeed a long time to love, to want, to need......So the language of the soul is TIME......

 

Feelings are meant to be given and expressed, not controlled..........It is your feelings which define your love and devotion, and subsequently your decision to break away..........Trust the natural flow of your heart......

 

It is very difficult to suddenly become dry and formal with people you have shared your life with for so long---I know it is a coping mechanism, but it's so painful for the soul to endure....This jarring change.........

 

I think it is best to express sorrow in an honest way......"This is painful....This is hard........I still care so much for you....And yet we have made this decision together, because we do want what is best for one another" I have found it helpful to bless a person silently with warm wishes and thoughts if I cannot or am unable to tell this to them in person...Especially during a sorrowful parting........I believe that our intentions and feelings are carried to that person in a gentle way.......

 

And it is good that you have support with you, friends at your side....Break-ups are a serious matter---A tremendous loss, and a deep wound that takes time to heal.......Do not be afraid to say, "I need your help." I know in this culture, grief is a very misunderstood, and sometimes even taboo emotion....We are told to "get over it and move on." The human soul, eternal and vast, cannot comprehend that sort of severe reaction----

 

I have reflected on and studied many ideas about emotions....Romantic love, one of the most powerful, carries with it massive amounts of light and energy that envelope our lives......And the other emotions are equally important to express---Do you ever notice how little children immediately express what they are feeling, making no apologies for their uncontained joy or sorrow? Emotions flow through them readily....It is only later in life that we learn to control and suppress them, hiding them until they cause us sickness and mental distress......

 

So it is good to talk with others about your feelings..Acknowledge them, appreciate them...embrace them...Honor the love you shared with your boyfriend, and then, through your tears, be healed and cleansed.....And know that the cycles of life, as steady or chaotic as they seem, carry you, uphold you, will never let you fall...........Love shines again......

[Psylocke]

I had an eight year break up similiar to this. The best you can do is be polite (as long as he is the same), keep verbal contact short and sweet and keep your cool. The more you talk the more you will relive the pain and most probably end out breaking down. The more you talk the more vulnerable you are. The more you talk the more chances there are of things going haywire and nasty words spoken.

 

Understand it could take a long time to heal, there is no need to make it more difficult while he's moving out.

[JoeWho]

It is going to suck no matter what you do. I watched my ex of 9.5 years move out and it was horrible. Its tought but saying goodbye after being together for a long time is probably the best thing for you. You dont want to feel like you should have said good bye a few months down the road if you dont do it now. Be patient with everything and be prepared for reality to really hit you when all his things are gone from your apartment.

[eleanorrigby1]

wow i feel for you, i really do, i actually filled up, putting myself totally in your shoes i dont see how you can avoid breaking down. I can control my tears in a business meeting and during a row, but in a 'deep conversation' or a goodbye with my boyfriend or ex boyfriend i always break/broke down. Its hard to hold that much emotion in without doing yourself some damage.

 

I think you will regret it if you don't say something. However, you cannot be responsible for the way he is feeling and if he breaks down it isnt your fault or because of what you have said, its his responsibility to control his emotions, not yours. say how you feel, say what you want, get it off your chest. It will be hard, there is no easy way and it will probably be emotional too, dont think too much about it, dont plan in advance just go with wht feels natural at the time. I wish you all the best for the future, your new future, without him.

[mintzhg]

When my ex moved out he brought his mate who is a real a*hole towards me, but i was polite, and as they say just seem cool, try not to show emotion, but also try not to seem too cold, just as if it was a friend. after that once you make sure he has left, cry your eyeballs out, put some music on and before you know it you'll be ok. i was with my ex for 4 1/2 years. Right now deciding whether to break up with my careless new bf/fiancee.

believe me you will be fine in the long run. and if you need someone to chat to or talk to feel free to contact me : email removed

take care and all the best.

[need2bme]

If it helps, the same thing is happening to me, except that I am the mover. She just doesn't want to do it anymore. It has been coming for a long time. She has been hugging and other things and although that is nice, it would be so much easier if she was not doing that.

 

I miss her already and know that when it is done, she will have no reason to contact me. She is at her sisters tonight and is supposed to come back, but as you can read by the lateness of this post, that is probably not going to happen.

 

I wish you the best and I know how it feels. Feel free to PM if you want to...and good luck.

[FRISCO]

I am very sorry for your pain.

just be brave and listen to your heart and just do it.

[audrey28]

i am going through something very similar. just hang on. i feel your pain.

 

for me, it worked that i opened myself up and talked about my feelings when i was ready. i know that things will no longer be the same between us, and i wanted to say everything that i wanted to before we lose this closeness completely. as time drags on, it will get more and more awkward.

 

u might want to say a proper goodbye to make sure there are no loose ends. what i did was tell him honestly how i felt- that we weren't bad people, we were just a bad match. we gave it a good try but it's for the best. i also thanked him for the good memories. i told him i will always care for him and wish for his happiness. i told him things as though it's the last time i will ever see him. that's why there's only thanks, no anger, no bitterness, no blame. it's very painful to let go of someone you love. but sometimes it means you love each other enough to let each other grow.

 

it was a nice goodbye (if such were possible) with some laughter and some tears. it's heart breaking but i think it's important to get closure. i know there are no more what ifs. go with what you feel is right. remember, he is hurting too. the coldness is a mask for the pain. we all feel the pain. just stay true to your feelings and don't be afraid of showing him that you care- even though it's going to be in a different way from now on.

[need2bme]

This weekend was so bad. I still have next weekend to go. It hurt so much. I know how you feel. Last night she cried so much and hugged me.

 

This morning she didn't get back in her car after dropping me off and kept telling me she loved me and hugging me. I called her on the phone and she was distant.

 

The end is going to hurt so much!! I know it is for real now.

[FRISCO]

how is it going?

[kadvati79]

You dont want to feel like you should have said good bye a few months down the road if you dont do it now.

 

Seriously, listen to that. Its just about one year since my breakup... and I still wish I had said goodbye to my ex properlly.

[Pisces_Princess]

Hi,

 

I know it's terribly sad...

 

I am in the same position as need2bme. I am the dumpee but I have to move out because we lived in his place (I gave up mine to be with him)

 

It is heartbreaking and just when you think it can't get any worse it does! There must be some lightness in this somewhere?

 

I think you should say everything that you need to now. Why carry it around for a lifetime? x

[need2bme]

Hey, Princess, it is heart breaking and heart wrenching. I can physically feel my heart breaking, but even if this is happening, I cannot let her know it.

 

Lets do this all together. We can say our proper goodbyes, but with NO FEAR!!

[Pisces_Princess]

Need2bme,

 

Yes...I have said my goodbyes...

 

I told him that I loved him and was very sorry that things hadn't worked out. I said that I didn't want to be friends but I wished him love, luck and happiness for the future and hope he finds this elusive thing that he is looking for.

 

He said he was too selfish for me and couldn't give me what I wanted, he said he thinks he will always be alone. He said he wants to be friends and wants me in his life. I didn't respond, I am not feeling sorry for him...

 

It was really hard but it is done. I feel very sad but I have some control back now. This is possibly where he may feel a little of what I have felt in the last few months.

 

Let me know how it goes and if you need it you can have my e-mail address to talk away from the forum. xxx

[need2bme]

So here I am guys. I am standing in what used to be MY kitchen, watching her wrap the dishes so I can get outta here. Funny how she never stayed up and helped when we were moving before. It was always me. I guess she just really wants me gone.

 

AMAZING, huh!

 

I came in and the stuff that was locked away in that room with the other guy's stuff, is magically out in the living room. She still lied about where the stuff was. So tomorrow, I am going to tell her that I know what is in there and prove to her that she has the key.

 

I am sick of the lies and don't care what falls out of this...

[lachi]

Oh my god... i am about to go through this....

 

I have been crying just reading all of these posts because i know what to expect now... Its so damn hard to go through this and i am typing this whilst my x is in the other room watching TV... and we have to settle our property because we both own it... so its more of a lengthy process.

 

Our relationship was supposed to be 6 years in FEB so i totally understand what you are going through and it is so tough... but you need to be strong for you... i have been meditating and stuff to help me through this... i am doing a lot of things on my own to get used to it and not relying on my family to get me through this... my x want to be friends after all of this and honestly... i don't know if i can... because i am so emotionally destroyed... maybe next year but not now...

 

Thank you for sharing your story in this forum... it means a lot to me knowing that i am not the only one in this world going through this... and i am sorry... but life will go on and make us stronger and be what we need to be in life.

 

xxx All the best

[need2bme]

Lachi: I know exactly what you are going through. It is actually making me feel beter to know that others go through this. I am sad that others are in pain, but being able to know that I have friends around the world, makes it a little easier.

 

I am sorry though that I did not reply sooner. I was busy packing, moving and feeling sorry for myself. My ex says she wants to be friends too. How are we supposed to do that? Are you kidding me? I am glad she is all ready to be friends. She says she wants this to be nice and she doesn't want us to hate each other.

 

Cool thoughts, but she has her guy moving in and SHE is not going to wake up in the bed that we shared and be alone and SHE got to use all of my stuff for a year, while I slept on an air mattress and used plastic drawers and a card table from K-Mart.

[audrey28]

need2bme,

 

i am sorry for your pain. it's really tough...there are days that are really just more difficult than the rest....

 

you will get through this....we all will....

 

good luck to all of us.

[Pisces_Princess]

This situation is just horrible!

 

I have just found a fantastic apartment and have enough money saved to buy some incredible new things, so it is not like financially I am in a bad position. BUT...I would give anything for him to ask me to come home...I hate myself for being so weak and I am LC at the moment (would be NC but have practical things to arrange). He is moving forwards very nicely but I still find that some days (like today) I am so low and miss him dreadfully.

 

I have to go to my old home (the one we shared) to pick up some things this weekend and I am dreading it x

[need2bme]

WOW! Been there, done that and got the "get out" t-shirt. Man, what can you do except feel lost, hurt and like yesterday's trash? I am not going to blow smoke, 'cause it will hurt. You know, I have been there.

 

I did wake up this morning and I could still breathe, barely, but I could. What hurts the most, I think, is that it is as if they won't even try.

 

I will admit that if she wanted to try right now though, I don't know how much we can push aside. I still feel betrayed that she has someone else already.

 

How the hell can you decide to move someone in after being separated only 7 months. Just remember that I am right here if ya need to post...

[lachi]

Sorry i didn't respond earlier too.. i think my ex has found my posting which is why i am stressing... but hey if its meant to be it will be...

 

i know its so * * * *... i am going to do NC for at least til i am ready... yours is hard because there is someone physically there moving in... ouch... i wouldn't know what to say or do if that was me?

 

It could be a rebound i think mine is... because you know what 6 years doesn't make up for 3 months of knowing someone for god sake they haven't had their 1st fight yet... there are no expectations yet...

 

give it time... be supportive.. but build yourself up 1st... you need to put you no.1