Great first meeting/date - wait for him to call?

[Batya33]

I for one was always turned off by profiles that said "no flakes need apply" or "no game playing" - all I thought was - great - he is cynical/jaded/bitter but at least he has been honest with me and I don't even need to contact him. I believe in a profile you minimize the "no" or "don't" - everything should be put in a positive way (not necesarily "enthusiastic" and definitely not inaccurate but simply positive rather than negative). When I had a profile my only negatives were "no drug taking or excessive drinking."

 

As far as the way you rationalize rejection - I am glad that works for you. For me I always found it better to allow myself to feel disappointed (hopefully not devastated if it was just one or two dates) and then accept that he just wasn't that into me, that the way I approach dating means that I let the man do most of the calling on the first few dates and that is the way it goes sometimes. Obviously I had the power to say "no" but if he didn't call that was no longer an option of course.

 

As far as men who talk about future plans - hiking, cooking, etc I listen to it the way I listen to "nice day out" - it is a sweet thing to say but until firm plans are made it is irrelevant - not because I believe men lie but I believe in the initial stages people get ahead of themselves and say things without giivng it a lot of thought - I wait for the actions to back up what was said, after he gets home and things have time to sink in.

 

Finally, I would not want a man to contact me again just because I posted sexy pictures (or did you mean you just wanted to see if he would, but you wouldn't agree to see him again?) - if he met me in person and I didn't "make the cut" in person I would not want him fantasizing that if I dressed "that way" he would be attracted to me. Ick factor. (then again I went on line to find a long term relationship - if - and I am not saying this is you - I was only looking for a sexual fling - what you suggeted might work) - I have never wanted a man that badly that I would portray myself as someone like that and want him to contact me again because of that. As far as playing the "game" I wouldn't want other men to see me like that on the site, but that's just me.

 

We just have different approaches but figured I'd share.

[violingirl]

He hasn't responded to my e-mail yet. Looks like it's not going to happen.

[Goldfish6888]

Well, that post was just for a little fun...just for tongue in cheek! Sometimes having a little fun online, takes the seriousness out of "finding the one". I believe online dating should be fun anyway...it's a lottery really.

 

I too believe that it's not their words you should listen to it is their actions...

 

We all at some time or other say " yes, I'll definitely do that" and then you flake out. Sounded good at the time.

 

I don't agree with the term "He's not that into you". It always annoyed me when it came about from "sex and the city". Why label it Hes just not that into me when it could be a number of reasons ; and you could go crazy thinking about what it was.

 

But thanks it's good to see different people and different approaches!

 

Have a great year

 

G Fish

[Batya33]

When I did on line dating (emailed/spoke to hundreds of men, met over a hundred in person) it would be fun for the first few weeks but then it was often like work - since I met so many in person it was work to make a plan, deal with unreliability (on the guy's end) etc. It was not like a lottery for me because much of the time we knew people in common or I knew the person already and I did my own careful screenings.

 

I am glad it was fun for you!

 

When a man said he was looking for a serious relationship and then didn't call me I assumed he was not that into me - sure he could have reconciled with an ex girlfriend but it mostly boiled down to "not that into me" unless of course as Miranda found on sex and the city he stood me up because . .. . he died. Thank goodness that never happened, at least as far as I know . .. ;-)

 

Happy new year to you too!!

[violingirl]

Batya, you really met over 100 men from on-line dating in person? Wow!! How long did it take you to have success (find a relationship) with someone?

 

As for me, I just can't take the constant rejection anymore. It's no fun riding the emotional rollercoaster of (delusionally) thinking that I just had a great date where the guy said he wants to see me again to the horrid emotional low of never hearing from the guy again, especially when (like here) I really felt that we clicked in person and had so much in common (he's a violinist/conductor; I used to be a violinist, etc.).

 

As I mentioned before, I don't have a thick skin. Rather, the lack of dating success just wears whatever confidence I do have down to bits.

 

Still no response from him, btw.

[Batya33]

Batya, you really met over 100 men from on-line dating in person? Wow!! How long did it take you to have success (find a relationship) with someone?

 

As for me, I just can't take the constant rejection anymore. It's no fun riding the emotional rollercoaster of (delusionally) thinking that I just had a great date where the guy said he wants to see me again to the horrid emotional low of never hearing from the guy again, especially when (like here) I really felt that we clicked in person and had so much in common (he's a violinist/conductor; I used to be a violinist, etc.).

 

As I mentioned before, I don't have a thick skin. Rather, the lack of dating success just wears whatever confidence I do have down to bits.

 

Still no response from him, btw.

 

Then I agree you should not date - particularly the volume intensity of on line dating with all the emails, calls, etc. Even after a fabulous date I had the mindset that I would never see the person again (unless we made specific plans for a second date and even then . . .) - and after a bad date I had yet another war story. If I felt a little down, that quickly subsided.

 

I met over 100 men in person from 2001-2005 and also met men through personal ads in the 1980s and 1990s. For most of the 80s, 90s and this "decade" I was in long term relationships, but for the 2001-05 time period I was in an on again off again LTR and there were long stretches where we were not exclusive. Sometimes I would have two first meets in a day.

 

I spoke with many more men than I actually met because I was good at screening on the phone and could screen out very quickly since I had strict standards about no depressives, no cursing, no sex talk, no effeminate voices (sorry if that offends anyone, it's just a big turn off for me). There also was a fairly significant percentage who materially lied in their profiles- about age, marital status, educational status, etc. I "nexted" all of them.

 

I never had an LTR out of on line dating. I had many second dates, less so for more than 4 dates, about half a dozen 2-3 month relationships, none exclusive. A few of those wanted to be exclusive with me, two of them expressed strong interest in getting engaged down the line. For what it's worth I never had s_x with any of them (because we were not exclusive). One of the 2 month relationships ended because of that. Two of them ended because of serious character flaws - of the scary sort - that I discovered only after two-three months of dating. Nothing to do with how I met them though.

 

I know several people who met their spouses and fiancees through on line dating - mostly very lovely people, including my cousin whose marriage ended after 2.5 years when she died at age 34 of cancer. My sister's 20 year marriage was through a personal ad and I was engaged to someone I met through a personal ad, many years ago.

 

But, yes, I had a very thick skin about the whole thing - I was reasonably confident that I was desirable, attractive, a good conversationalist, worthy of a relationship. I had several friends doing this at the same time so we would commiserate and compare notes since often we were meeting the same people. All in all a positive experience.

 

I met my current boyfriend at work many years ago and we started dating in the summer of 2005.

 

If you have any questions feel free to PM me.

[birdgirl]

Hey Violingirl, do you believe in fate? I handle rejection by assuming "fate" is stepping in. I had a GREAT date with someone and went through something similar to what you went through, wishing he would call, etc., seeing him online. I thought we would be perfect together. He even followed up saying he wanted to see me again. I replied to him that I'd like to have a second date, and then I never heard from him again. I was so disappointed.

 

I ended up consoling myself by telling myself that he wasn't "the one" and that fate made him decide not to call, for whatever reason. And that he probably liked me well enough, but decided not to call for reasons he couldn't pinpoint.

 

I'm 30, so I can probably relate to some of your frustrations, I feel like my time is running out, I'm going to be an old maid, I just want to settle down, all my friends are getting married. I know there is someone out there for me who is going to think I'm fantastic and vice versa, it just obviously wasn't that guy who I had a great date with. And so I'm glad I didn't waste any time with him. I'm glad I didn't pursue him, because if he was the one I've been looking for, he'd have pursued me. Men are natural hunters, so I let them hunt me. If they don't, well, it's just "fate" protecting me from wasting my time.

 

I don't even really mind rejection, I'd rather be rejected and be single and available for the person I'm eventually going to spend the rest of my life with.

 

Maybe I'm delusional, but it helps me not take this stuff personally. When I finally meet him, he WILL call.

[violingirl]

birdgirl, I wish I were like you and didn't mind rejection. It just hits me so hard, because I haven't had any success with men since my ex broke up with me 2 years ago (it was my longest and best relationship). I do feel like my time is running out and miss having that companionship. At this point, I don't think it's going to happen for me.

 

As for the guy I had a date with - it was the best date I've had in those 2 years; we talked non-stop for nearly 3 hours; we had so much in common (he's a violinist/conductor; I used to be a violinist); and I felt attracted to him. After giving him 2 days to respond to my e-mail (which I sent 5 days after the date), I clicked "not interested" on his profile and archived it. I was not going to wait any longer. Over the weekend, I noticed that he did not go on the dating site at all, but then he checked it late last night. So, it's very possible that he has a girlfriend. Who knows?

[Batya33]

Who knows is right. Your story sounds familiar because I had several coffee dates that lasted three hours with no call after, where the man made several statements about wanting to see me again, had second dates that followed dates like that that were total duds, and had an amazing fireworks first date with specific plans for a second date where he then postponed the second date and then disappeared.

 

It really is not worth it unless you can develop a thick skin - I remember this from my early 20s when I did not have one. It's too painful, IMHO.

 

By the way, I am 40 and I felt as you did at age 31 that time was running out. By some miracle- probably under the label self esteem and a different perspective (not based on rationalizing) I stopped feeling that way particularly when I started taking a closer look at those of my friends who had "accomplished" marriage - accomplished being in quotes because there are so few of them now I would want to trade places with - either because it looks pretty clear that they settled in a negative sense or that they are miserable. Often they made decisions based on the "time running out" mindset and now they have to live with that or go through a divorce.

[rosie76]

It's really so nice to read comments from two early 30s women that I could have written myself - the whole time running out, everyone getting married up thing is in my head a lot of the time.

 

Particularly having spent the last five years being in and recovering from a relationship which drained my confidence and dumped me into depression - I'm so happy to feel I'm starting to be myself again but can't help worrying that half my 20s have disappeared in the process.

 

Like you, birdgirl, I figure it's going to happen sometime and these things can't be rushed or arranged. But also like you, violingirl, I sometimes question why I assume it will all work out - for plenty of people - like my sister, for example - it hasn't and it probably won't.

 

Nice to hear from you, too, Batya, saying you used to feel this way and grew out of it. And also that you managed to grow a thick skin where there wasn't one already - hopeful news for softies like myself.

 

Again, my sympathy on the disappearing act, violingirl - my pre-Christmas romance has definitely dissolved into silence as well, and I liked him, too. Know how much hope goes into someone you click with and how rubbish you feel right now. Here's to meeting the next one, though, who'll identify himself by not disappearing like an adolescent duckwit.

 

All anecdotal evidence points to the fact that we find partners when we're most happy in ourselves and relaxed about meeting someone. To that end, and just to cheer myself up, I've splashed out on sprucing myself up (I've never done anything so girly in my life, but it really helps) and am spending as much time out with my friends as possible these days. After two years feeling down, I'll be damned if I let this idiot make me feel unhappy for long.

 

Have you done anything to help make yourself feel better about the situation? Like talking to friends or going out to do things you enjoy?

[rosie76]

This not exactly on topic, but in terms of time running out and another thing that's cheered me up about my own disappearing guy: Ended up on a night out with a 22 year old acquaintance this weekend by accident (everyone else left the pub) and ended the evening with a bit of drunken kissing. Is a patently ridiculous situation on both sides, so not going anywhere, but at some point he said 'I can't believe you're _30_!!' in a sort of gee whiz tone that suggested 30 was practically dead. It was nice to have this guy find me attractive (I turned him down for a change) and an absolute riot to see him thinking of me as some sort of Mrs. Robinson figure. Really drove home how 30 is not that old at all.

 

The key is probably to remember that anything at all can happen at anytime - and that includes good as well as bad things. For example, a few weeks ago, you didn't know this guy existed and then, ta-da, a great date when you were least expecting it. If it happens once, surely it can happen again and it's just about staying optimistic and happy in yourself until it does. Sure, you can say statistically it's happened once in the last two years - but these things don't run by statistics and perhaps you're at the start of a good run.

 

I really do hope you feel better soon.

[birdgirl]

Oh believe me, I hate rejection when I look at it like, "He didn't like me. He didn't think I was smart/funny/pretty enough." And I can get into that mindset if I don't fight it really hard.

 

But I am okay if tell myself over and over (and over) again, "Well, I guess fate (or God, or whatever you believe in) didn't want me with that guy. Probably for a good reason! Maybe he would have been a jerk or a cheater. Or, more likely, there's someone better out there for me and I am not meant to be tied up with this guy right now, as fun as the date was."

 

Batya33's comment about "accomplishing" marriage is an excellent point. I am seeing my friends rushing out and getting married to men they haven't been dating for very long at all. One girl I am close with got married after dating her bf for three months! Another friend of mine pressured her husband into proposing -- they argued about it constantly till he gave in. One girl had to begin packing her belongings and moving out to get her man to finally propose. At another wedding, my friend kept saying, "Can you believe I'm getting married?! I'm getting married!" It was as if she was more interested in the marriage itself, than in the man she was marrying. I don't mean to criticize, because I am fighting that mentality as well.

 

I was reading this excellent book that pointed out that statistically speaking, most of the weddings I've been in (I was a bridesmaid three times the past two years - blech! will be ending in divorce within 5 to 10 years. I don't want to see my friends go through that. BUT I am realizing that I sure wouldn't want to be back out on the dating scene at the age of 40 or 50.

 

I would rather be rejected and alone, than to settle with the first guy who is willing to buy me a ring, willing to slide into the "husband" role. And then eventually get divorced, possibly end up a single-parent, and give someone access to my credit (which they could ruin) and my life in general. I am seeing just as many marriages failing, and woman whose lives are much harder than my single life is, because they have so many more struggles with divorce, single-parenthood, vindictive spouses, and on and on and on...

 

Your post sounds exactly like mine, I'm just telling you how I delude myself into not getting too broken up about it. Maybe I'll feel differently about all this when I attend yet another wedding next month. I have two cats and I'm learing how to embroider. I also buy a lot of scratch off lottery tickets. Hahaha, I crack myself up!

[Goldfish6888]

I totally identify with everyone here.

 

I just got invited to my best friend's wedding in Switzerland - this girl wasn't the settling down type and now she has found a fantastic man for herself...and it makes me think.....why not me? Thats the million dollar question.... I truly feel the whole "biological clock" ticking thing. I want kids and feel like time is running out. In a way, I wish I don't want kids so i wouldn't think so much about meeting someone!

 

But the one thing about being single in your 30's is that you know who you are and it's better to be "single and happy" than "married and unhappy". Of course, I would love to meet my soulmate tomorrow. And who's to say I won't!

 

Everyday is a new adventure! I'm going on a ski holiday at the end of January on my own.

 

First one ever - I now have the confidence in my 30's to do this, which I would NEVER have had the nerve to do in my 20's! I have no ties, no kids to think of - only myself and two weeks on the slopes and all the fantastic adventures I'm going to have.

 

I have no broken marriage, no real baggage and a lovely apartment, a kind of cool job, lots of friends....lots of weekends away....

 

Its a pity I HATE CATS!!!!

[Batya33]

Have a great time on the vacation! I went on 4 vacations by myself from 1990 to 2000 and had a blast (club med).

 

As far as your friend, you have no idea what things are like behind closed doors. About half of my friends who got married in their 20s and 30s are either divorced, separated or miserable.

[rosie76]

Enjoy your holiday!

 

I travel quite a lot - usually alone - and it's one of the things I enjoy most. You never know what's going to happen the next day and if you are far away from home you're not thinking about meeting anyone for the long term and so can enjoy the time and take a break from wondering if you'll get married or get to have kids etc.

 

I agree with that long list of good things about being single - live in an apartment which is how I want it, go out with my friends when I want to, have no one but myself to think about when looking for jobs. Still, also want to have kids with a man I'm sure of, and every year that passes without me meeting him makes me that much more mindful that even though I have a full life, in a sense I'm waiting.

[Goldfish6888]

I know Rosie76. I am jealous of people that say they don't want kids.

At least they don't have to face up to the whole " will I meet someone soon enough to have them"

 

Nature has played this cruel trick on us, whereas men are never faced with this dilemma....they can be bachelors until they are 60 and still leave behind a little Mini-them - a little reminder of they once walked the planet!!

 

My sister just had a baby and it's difficult as soon as I heard, i started crying - happy for her - but also thinking will it happen for me? It was an emotional time.

 

I know there is always the sperm bank route, but I just don't think that is for me. Having a kid is part of the package with someone you love and I'm quite traditional about that!

 

What can we do really?....I guess just enjoy our single lives.....and make them as full as possible...see the world....etc....but we shouldn't settle for second best in terms of a partner....we still need to be picky even though we imagine on the next date.....Is he the one? Maybe we need to block that thought when it comes into our heads!!! And anytime it does come into our heads remind ourselves to be realistic...that there is no one....there are many....and we just have to get out there and be open to them.