Great first meeting/date - wait for him to call?

[violingirl]

For the first time in a very long time, I had a great date/first meeting (we met for drinks) on Saturday night with a guy I met via an online dating site. I felt comfortable talking to him, our conversation was great (with none of those awkward pauses), we had tons in common and I felt attracted to him. At the end of our date he said "next time we should go to a concert" and I said that sounded great.

 

I usually prefer waiting for a guy to call me after the first date, but this was the best date I've had in almost 2 years. At the same time, I don't want to come off as desperate or make a fool of myself (in case he isn't really interested and was just being nice). I should also probably mention that during our date he said that he doesn't date much and that his mother probably goes on more dates that he does (his parents are divorced) - whether that's true or not, I don't know.

 

What do you think I should do - wait for him to call me for another date, or should I send him a short e-mail saying that I had a great time and look forward to seeing him again?

[kellbell]

Hey there,

 

Did he say he would give you a call soon? A guess a friendly email letting him know you had a great time and that you look forward into seeing him again would not hurt.

[violingirl]

No, he didn't say anything about calling me soon; he just mentioned the concert idea. Is that bad?

[Batya33]

If you said thank you to him while on the date I would definitely wait for him to call you. The e-mail will seem like a transparent attempt to get him to ask you out again and you already told him that you would like to see him again, so there is low or no risk of rejection for him if he calls you. I had a number of men I met through on line dating suggest things we could do the next time and never follow through - not meaning to be negative but the ball is definitely in his court. Wtih new year's eve he might have been busy so give it at least till Wednesday (that is if he wants to see you this weekend, he should call by then).

 

And feel great about having connected with someone - go you!

[DN]

Hey there,

 

Did he say he would give you a call soon? A guess a friendly email letting him know you had a great time and that you look forward into seeing him again would not hurt.

I agree with kellbell, there is no reason you should not message him.

[violingirl]

Thanks Batya. Yes, I've also met a number of men through online dating who have said that they wanted to see me again, and then I've never heard from them again (which frankly sucked). I can only hope that this guy is different. We'll see. I should also note that this is the first date I've gone on in 6 1/2 months (I needed a break from all of that stuff).

 

I'll probably follow your advice and wait for him to call me - as you said, the ball is in his court and he has my phone numbers. I did thank him for the drinks.

 

After all, it's only been 48 hours. But it's funny, no matter how confident I feel while on a date with someone, that confidence abates/disappears once the "waiting game" starts - will he call?, etc. I wish that dating were not such a game.

[Batya33]

Yes, dating takes effort and yes, I have heard of men who are turned off by the transparent "thanks again" e-mail particularly a few days later when the motive - to see the person again - is even more obvious. Or, if not turned off they get the impression that you are needy, etc and that is not the most attractive impression.

 

I saw dating through on line (and otherwise) as a part time job, I had no expectations and when I did meet men who I was smitten with at first sight I used all my reserves and lots of distracting activities to avoid focusing on the waiting game. Unless we made specific time and place plans I assumed I would never see or hear from the man again. Those low expectations helped me a great deal! But yes, the ball is in his court procedure remains alive and well - I would totally support you if you wanted to break the trend but I was never one who wanted to prioritize breaking the trend over playing the "game" and lessening my risk of turning a man off or not allowing him to take the traditional role. I was more than happy - as you were - to express my gratitude and appreciation for the date, express strong interest in seeing him again, return his calls promptly, etc. I would also suggest a meeting in person where we had never met before - whether that is making the first move, who knows, but the first official date was up to him to ask for and to suggest a plan (in advance).

 

But, that's just me and the approach that has worked for me and the people I know when it comes to dating with the purpose of looking for a serious relationship.

 

I heard this story at a NYE party last night. Woman asks out man - he accepts because he has nothing better to do. They have a pleasant/ok time. She continues to ask him to hang out and he continues to say yes because he has nothing better to do. Then he moves to another state and needs someone to help him with all the logistics of moving and adjusting to a new state. She offers to go along with him, he accepts. She moves states. She then does this a second time. Then, she says she wants a baby and to be married and he says that he is happy to do that as in "why not, nothing better to do" but makes it clear he is not that into her. She accepts because all she wants is marriage and a baby and a house. He gives her those things and regularly has sex outside the marriage. She's ok with it because she got what she wanted.

 

So, from the outside, she is a "success story" in getting the husband, child and house from the man she was into - and all by being the initial pursuer and beyond. I look from the inside - - sounds like a lonely, self esteem-destroying life to me. Obviously this is a drastic example but I have typically found that men who take the passive approach to dating you in the initial stages are not in it because of true interest in you as a person.

[violingirl]

Batya, I definitely prefer the man to take on the "traditional"/pursuer role in a relationship. I feel much more comfortable with that. I have tried to be the "aggressor" before with other guys (asking them out, e-mailing after a date, etc.) but it's never worked out well (may have gotten a date, but no relationship developed from it).

 

Thanks for the advice. I guess I'll just "distract" myself in the meantime.

[Batya33]

Batya, I definitely prefer the man to take on the "traditional"/pursuer role in a relationship. I feel much more comfortable with that. I have tried to be the "aggressor" before with other guys (asking them out, e-mailing after a date, etc.) but it's never worked out well (may have gotten a date, but no relationship developed from it).

 

Thanks for the advice. I guess I'll just "distract" myself in the meantime.

 

Same exact situation here (and we have a lot in common as I indicated in my PM to you last month. I found that listening to Sarah Mclachlan music and similar helped a lot!

[violingirl]

Yes, we do have a lot in common. Well, work should definitely "distract" me plenty again tomorrow after the long weekend. I have a few Sarah McLachlan songs on my iPod (it's great listening to music during my subway commute to work every day).

[Batya33]

As do I and I listen when I take public transportation (but most often I walk and try to avoid taking the subway so I can get more exercise and clear my head).

[violingirl]

Aha! He's online now on the online dating site. Of course, I've also been on the site since our meetup, but just to check for messages, etc., so I guess I shouldn't read too much into it. This is why online dating is so maddening - just knowing that the person you like is online can drive you nuts.

 

By the way, I would love to walk to work, but I live about 9 miles from my job, so I have no choice but to take the subway.

[Batya33]

I used to live in an outer borough as well but with my hours I thought it best to live walking distance from work.

 

I know it is maddening when you see the profile as active - but really, unless he updates his profile (and even then) you can't think about it too much and of course the two of you are not exclusive. And, as you mentioned, you have been on the site as well.

[yahoo2]

I frankly find it pretty interesting that women are so dogmatic about never initiating, never making their interest obvious, etc. I always hear these tales from women about other women who have tried more direct behavior, and not having it work out.

 

Hello? It doesn't work out most of the time.

 

Got news for you. A guy, since he's the "initiator" gets rejected from a few to many times for each date he goes on. Sometimes the percentage is pretty low, and there are some bad stretches sometimes. That's the downside to the role of initiator.

 

Perhaps you've got a taste of this rejection when you've made an "attempt" at switching roles for a change, and just don't like it?

 

FWIW, your advice about waiting for the guy to call is right on target, imo. But I've also had a pretty good time with women who made their interest more obvious. That certainly didn't mean I thought of them as a "sure thing" or that she was desperate-the dates succeeded or failed for other reasons, not for anything to do with who asked whom. Suck it up and face the occasional rejection, or leave it up to the guys. Doesn't matter either way. Most women choose to let the guy handle it.

 

Most of the problem is in reading the other person correctly, anyway.

[Batya33]

I've asked out men several times and find it to be ineffective in finding a long term relationship. I am not too afraid of rejection to ask a man out and I believe in doing my share of the initiating after the early stages - during the early stages what in general has worked for me and the man in question is for him to do most of the initiating - the woman does some of the initiating not "none" as you suggest. It might be different in my case because I make it clear that I am enthusiastic about seeing him, interested in him, want to get to know him better, appreciative of his efforts in calling and suggesting a plan for a date, whether it is a walk in the park, dinner, community theater, whatever. After the initial stages - when we are steadily dating, it works well I find if the man and woman take turns initiating plans, dates, etc. Sometimes that is after 5 dates, sometimes after two months, etc.

 

There is always this perception that women don't do the initiating because of a fear of rejection - at least for me that is totally not the case - if it led to a serious relationship I would continue to do so - but from my experience and my experiences with hundreds of men and women it is not an effective way to find a long term relationship. Asking out once - for the first date or a second, third or fourth, sure - why not - but doing most of the initiating in the beginning - ineffective - this may change in the future of course and maybe it should.

 

Most of the men I have dated strongly prefer to be the initiator and take the traditional role as do most of my male friends. Most men are flattered being asked out but most men do not enter into serious long term relationships with women who do most of the initiating in the beginning. I put a great deal of effort into nurturing a relationship in the early stages even though I might not be the one doing most of the asking and planning - those are not the only ways to put in and show effort.

 

In the OPs case he suggested a concert, she responded enthusiastically so the risk of rejection on his part is close to nothing if he is a reasonable person and they left it that he would contact her to make the actual plans - no reason she should call him and if she does in this situation she may come accross too needy.

[violingirl]

I didn't have a chance to be too enthusiastic at the end of our date, because we were heading in different directions to catch different trains. I remember feeling awkward, because I never know how to act at the end of a date - don't want to be too enthusiastic or too unenthusiastic - and I'm sure he was nervous, too. I remember him saying that he needed to head this way to get to his train. As we were starting to walk away from each other, he mentioned the possibility of going to a (unspecified) concert, I said "sounds great," and then he touched my arm as we were walking away from each other and I reciprocated. At the time, I felt that he was genuinely interested, but then I get doubtful later on (like now).

 

This is me overanalyzing (as usual). I wish that I could stop doing that.

[Batya33]

Oh, it's normal. Look, it's not the worst thing to send an email - all else being equal, I would not, but if he is sincerely interested one light breezy e-mail likely will not make a difference.

 

Good luck!

[violingirl]

I'm going to attempt to do nothing until tomorrow. I want to give him a proper chance to call me, considering the long holiday weekend.

[Wimpy]

A simple e-mail saying "hey just to say hi and how much I enjoyed the other night and if you're still up for the concert idea let me know"....can't hurt can it????

 

I guess we females forget that sometimes it can be quite a challenge for the guy too. At least this way if he's interested you win, if he isn't you've not lost anything - a harmless e-mail letting him know you're interested.

 

I say it can't hurt but then part of the reason I'm single is that I hate that waiting game so much and over analyse things to death so much I've decided it's healthier if I just concentrate on the joys of being single

 

Whatever you do - don't worry. A great book I read a few years ago gave some great advice...Susan Jeffers "Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway"...."whatever happens I'll handle it".

 

And another point she made was that whatever choices we make we can't lose so long as we look forward to the "opportunity for growth that either pathway leads me". i.e. if you e-mail him you can't lose. If he replies great. If he doesn't great - you know he's not that into you.

 

Oh it sounds so simple when you're advising someone else. Hope it all works out.

[Batya33]

Hmm, if I got an email like that even from a new platonic friend I might find it pushy and even if I were interested it might make me go "hmmmm -- why didn't he/she wait for me to follow up? What's this over-eagerness about?" First impressions are delicate and changeable particularly in dating. He asked, she said she would be interested, up to him to actually make the plan. He really has a low or no risk of rejection since she already said she'd be interested in going to a concert with him. If he can't handle that level of risk then either he is not that interested or he's going to want to take a generally passive role in the relationship - some might be ok with that, I would not be, personally.

[yahoo2]

I'd have to say I disagree-at least if we are on the same page as regards "initiating". Granted, we both agree that women asking is okay, if rather rare. Women usually try to give "hints" instead, and run the risk of being misunderstood as just being friendly. Nobody said this was easy.

 

The problem occurs after that-when you say you must keep asking to get the guy to go out with you. I think in this case you are blaming lack of initiative instead of lack of interest. That's why it's not working out, long term.

 

The role reversal is also a bit uncomfortable for women. The woman is used to the man showing continued interest by asking her out repeatedly. When the man isn't doing much initiating, women feel uncomfortable and their relationship radar is giving off warning signs. Pay attention to it-it means the guy isn't interested.

 

My point is that women shouldn't justify not taking the initiative on what "might" happen-asking a guy out doesn't turn him into a feminine wuss incapable of taking the lead. If he's interested, he'll take over and lead the woman like she wants him to.

[Batya33]

I believe that when an adult male is sincerely interested and available (emotionally and otherwise) he will ask the woman out on a proper date he plans in advance - even if there is a risk of misread signals. Few exceptions to this where the man's intentions are to date the woman with potential for something more serious down the road. I do not believe a man is a "wuss" if he doesn't take the initiative - I simply believe he is not that interested. I don't give indirect signs when I am interested, I am direct ranging from approachable body language and eye contact to mentioning activities I like to do/plan on doing in the near future (which was how one of my very shy boyfriends asked me out - I mentioned how much I loved to dance when we first met and he called me a few days later to follow up).

 

Interesting that we both agree that the man should take most of the initiative in the early stages even if the woman asks the man out for a first date. I agree. I am a bigger fan of the woman not asking the man out on an official date but suggesting a time when they can see each other in a group situation or for a non-date situation such as "a group of us might be going hiking - let me know if you'd like to join" or something like that.

 

I am reminded of my current boyfriend. The first time period in which we dated - over ten years ago - he was extremely shy. We worked together. We met on his first day of work briefly, met again about 3 months later at a firm event where he wanted to chat but we were physically blocked by a very tall political figure in our path, lol and the third time - third time's the charm - was at another firm event where he said he knew he could ask me out for lunch because apparently I touched his arm briefly while I was speaking to him. When he called, he stuttered on the phone and needed a pep talk from his friends before picking up the phone. But he was "that interested" in me to take the risk. I have had similar experiences over the years.

 

Honestly, I don't want the man to do "all the work" but I don't define "all the work" as doing all the asking out. The woman has work to do too - it could mean offering to comment on his resume or something he's written, helping him shop for a bday present for his 5 year old niece, offering to introduce him to people he might want to network with, offering to see if tickets can be obtained for an event he really wants to go to (even if it is without the woman he is dating), etc etc. Nothing passive about it - at least in my opinion.

[DN]

I think advising women not to ask men out on a date is very old-fashioned. Which would be ok if not for the possibility that a woman (and indeed the man in question) might be missing out on the chance of a great relationship. It is true that for older people the concept may be unsettling and scary and even go against their own experience.

 

But human beings are changeable creatures - one only has to study social history in a very cursory way to discover that. Usually social change is brought about by younger people challenging the customs of their elders and this is particularly true regarding relationships and how they are formed.

 

I myself am older than most members on here but I would strongly recommend young people especially not to be misled by out of date customs that could easily cost them dearly. In fact, some older people could learn from the next generation in this - they may find that had they done so earlier they may have formed lasting relationships and found happiness much earlier.

[yahoo2]

Baty, agreed on most points.

 

To again clarify-don't ever use "won't work out" as an excuse not to initiate-for either gender.

 

Women are, I think, more dogmatic about never asking-because it is an unaccustomed role that carries risks. And I'm not talking about your behavior, just women that I know and am around. They'd sooner get burned at the stake or get hit by a truck than ask for a date and risk direct rejection. They'd rather stick to their more comfortable behavior of waiting and indirect suggestion. Less direct risk, and the more passive role.

 

Just don't blame a failed relationship or date on something other than a lack of interest on the part of one of the participants (like female initiative). Lack of interest is the reason most don't work out, and we all have to play the odds.

 

Use your own experience as an example-you took the lead in some ways, and it's working out, isn't it? It's a refutation of your argument.

 

If you're compatible and interested, it will happen.

[Batya33]

The only way I strongly prefer not to take the lead is in asking out a man in the initial stages of a relationship. And that is because it is ineffective, not because I am scared. I have never had asking out a man work out for me (each time, the reason he didn't ask me out was because he wasn't that into me in the first place, even when he had expressed strong interest in seeing me again) and I have never seen it work out where a long term happy relationship resulted from a woman doing most of the initiating in the beginning.

 

Who knows - over time maybe the gender roles will shift. As for right now whenever I am asked for advice about whether to ask out a man I say to follow the general rule (with rare exceptions) that if he is sincerely interested and available he will ask you out on a date.