Sexless Marriage

[Troubled_69]

I am a 27 year old guy and am having real problems with my sex life. I have been married for just over two years and my wife and i are great together except in bed. In the run up to our wedding we were having a few problems and i went to the drs who reffered me to a specialist. At that time i had no urge for sex and although i was getting frequent erections my desire was not there. I was told it was stress (pre wedding) and was given cialis (similar to viagra) for the honeymoon period. The honeymoon itself sex wise was ok but not great as again my desire still was not totally willing. At present we have sex about once a month. We are both shift workers so time together is spent catching up and/or relaxing but with very little sex. My other problem which i feel is related to this matter is porn. I am on the internet most days viewing porn and maybe masterbate three times a week. Prior to meeting my wife i had only one sexual partner which was a total wash out and although sex when we first met was fantastic i think that maybe i am bored with my current position. The love that i have for my wife is such that i do not want to leave her/cheat on her but feel at present this might be the best route to happiness.

 

If anyone can help i would be most gratefull.

[olena]

Do you love your wife? Do you find her attractive?

My partner also says that he loves me, wants me, finds me attractive but does not have any desire for sex with me...he also looks at porn on the web..

it sounds like you have desire for sex, but not with your wife...

 

How does she feel? Do you have any idea how a woman feels when she is told that you love her, but do not desire her? It's broken me into pieces...to know that in spite of all the love that I give, my partner does not desire me, and that he gets this desire for porn, or for other women perhaps....

 

It sounds to me as if you love your wife as a person - not as a woman-not as a whole...and believe me-this probably hurts your wife more than it hurts you. I ended up crying during sex, simply because I felt not wanted by the person that I loved....this is where it leads to.

 

you need to sort your self out. you need to be honest with your wife...open up and explain what is missing...once you find out...

 

O

[kryptik0]

You need to stop jacking off of porn completely, a 100% stop. Only then you will be able to figure out whether you find your wife attractive or not. The porn may be eating away at your already low sex drive.

 

Besides its not fair to your wife. If you were having equal amount of sex with her as much as you have with yourself, that would be okay, but ignoring wifey while jerking off to porn is just total wrong.

 

So put away those tapes/stop watching those websites and start working on your relationship with your wife.

 

If you figure out that you are not attracted to her anymore, you need to let her know that. Otherwise you are wasting not only your, but her time.

[itsallgrand]

Prior to meeting my wife i had only one sexual partner which was a total wash out and although sex when we first met was fantastic i think that maybe i am bored with my current position. The love that i have for my wife is such that i do not want to leave her/cheat on her but feel at present this might be the best route to happiness.

 

I guess the most important question is: Do you want your marriage to work? If you do, then resolve to solve this without turning away from your wife/cheating/leaving.

 

What have you done to alleviate the boredom?

 

How did you come to the conclusion that cheating/leaving would make this better?

 

Perhaps you only need sex education! Honestly. If your expectations and knowledge of how to have a healthy sex life are askew and not working for you, those can be changed and learnt if you wish.

 

Do you find your wife attractive? Do you get hot when seeing other women - or is your lack of desire thorough and your viewing of porn is more of a reflexive, stress relief thing?

[california_love2006]

You need to stop jacking off of porn completely, a 100% stop. Only then you will be able to figure out whether you find your wife attractive or not. The porn may be eating away at your already low sex drive.

 

Besides its not fair to your wife. If you were having equal amount of sex with her as much as you have with yourself, that would be okay, but ignoring wifey while jerking off to porn is just total wrong.

 

So put away those tapes/stop watching those websites and start working on your relationship with your wife.

 

If you figure out that you are not attracted to her anymore, you need to let her know that. Otherwise you are wasting not only your, but her time.

 

 

i agree. I feel porn is OK once in a while, but i think you should take a break from it. thats my opinion anyways.

[TiredMan]

I disagree with the people here. You can use porn and masterbate as much as you want and STILL have time for the woman. But this could be a few things. And if you answer me honestly, then it should be pretty easy to find out.

 

1) How attractive to you is your wife?

2) Are you happy with your own body and genitals?

3) Is your wife hard to please?

4) What sort of porn do you watch?

5) Is your wife a "good girl" while you sometimes enjoy getting off to "bad girls"?

6) Have you ever tried imitating "porn sex" (dirty talk, ejaculations on body parts and/or face?, high speed and force etc) on your wife? If not why? If yes, how did she react to it?

7) Did the whole "mood" thing you described makes you scared that it will happen to you with her again?

[Troubled_69]

I disagree with the people here. You can use porn and masterbate as much as you want and STILL have time for the woman. But this could be a few things. And if you answer me honestly, then it should be pretty easy to find out.

 

1) How attractive to you is your wife?

2) Are you happy with your own body and genitals?

3) Is your wife hard to please?

4) What sort of porn do you watch?

5) Is your wife a "good girl" while you sometimes enjoy getting off to "bad girls"?

6) Have you ever tried imitating "porn sex" (dirty talk, ejaculations on body parts and/or face?, high speed and force etc) on your wife? If not why? If yes, how did she react to it?

7) Did the whole "mood" thing you described makes you scared that it will happen to you with her again?

)

 

1) I find my wife very attractive and only recently she has taken to losing quite a bit of weight so she is now slimmer than when i first met her so this only heightens my attraction.

 

2) My body does not displease me although i am at the gym maybe twice a week to improve my physique. Genital wise i am not completely unhappy as i know not much can be done to improve size in that department. My only problem would be that when flacid i retract drasticaly so i appear smaller than usual.

 

3) Pleasing my wife has never been a problem sexually we both enjoy oral and if unhappy she will communicate her issues.

 

4) I tend to watch hardcore porn on the internet usually teen stuff but whatever i can find generally.

 

5) Yeah bad girls are good for gettting of on sometimes, but my wife can also be bad when she wants to be.

 

6) She appeared a bit shocked when i asked about facials etc but went along with it and will often oblige me which i enjoy. Dirty talk is good and i like the vocal side of sex but again my wife is not often vocal in bed.

 

7) Am not sure what your asking with relation to the "mood thing"

[itsallgrand]

Hmm. Any reason you didn't answer my q's?

[Troubled_69]

I guess the most important question is: Do you want your marriage to work? If you do, then resolve to solve this without turning away from your wife/cheating/leaving.

 

What have you done to alleviate the boredom?

 

How did you come to the conclusion that cheating/leaving would make this better?

 

Perhaps you only need sex education! Honestly. If your expectations and knowledge of how to have a healthy sex life are askew and not working for you, those can be changed and learnt if you wish.

 

Do you find your wife attractive? Do you get hot when seeing other women - or is your lack of desire thorough and your viewing of porn is more of a reflexive, stress relief thing?

 

I can't say that i have done anything to alleviate the boredom because i always resort to porn when i feel low/bored. In cheating/leaving i felt that i would be giving myself sexual experience but at the same time i would lose a life of security and love so at present i am against this option. I do find my wife attractive and yes i do feel lust for other women.

[itsallgrand]

Ok. Thanks.

 

Well, you sound pretty normal to me. You simply sound bored. I bet every guy who has been with a woman for a while starts getting a little bored at times, attracted to the new and easy excitement of porn and other women.

 

Thing is, if you are going for a monogomous relationship then ya gotta find ways to deal with it. Change your expectations and consider the big picture.

 

I won't go on and on cause I haven't been in a long marriage or anything. My longest exclusive relationship was 4 yrs; and we didn't marry. However, there were times there where I sure coulda stood to be getting more sex foreplay seduction or whatever - and sometimes, I just dealt with it, and other times, I initiated and seduced him to get what I wanted.

Boredom never lasted, bc I was excited by him and kept an active sex life a priority.

 

It becomes a priority or it doesn't. Frankly, I couldn't live in a situation with sex only once a month with a man I loved without going loopy. Maybe you aren't satistifed. And if you aren't - it's time to act on it, and seduce that woman.

 

Is it possible that you have certain expectations about sex - I dunno, like, that sex should always be of the nasty, instant hard-on variety like when you are first in lust with someone? Or any others..

 

This all seems totally fixable and easy to solve. Looking in from the outside, of course.

 

You need to take initiative and seduce your wife. Get interested in all the aspects of sexuality, and live it.

 

You mentioned you had some not-so-great experience in the past, with an ex lover. So you know what you know, and perhaps it follows you around a little bit and is inhibiting you? Only a guess. Porn asks nothing of you, while a woman who is commited to you totally goes a lot deeper and can 'see through' : of course, a new woman would not know these things your wife does. So little threat involved. Little to lose, so to speak.

 

It's been my observation that men are less likely to admit to inhibition and less-then-ideal-knowledge in sexuality than women - perhaps bc it becomes a question of manhood for some. Whatever, it is a shame. We all can stand to be better lovers.

 

One other thought then I'll give ya some peace. Maybe you use porn for stress relief, more than connecting it to your real sexuality as a man? Y'know, sometimes people masturbate not really cause they are horny but just because they need to relax. It isn't the best practice, imo, to rely on that much. With a partner is better - even if you simply masturbate with your wife in bed, and snuggle and talk the while. Because you connect together, and it becomes more than just muscles spasming.

 

anyhow, good wishes and take care. Perhaps others will have good help to offer.

[MacGyverRI]

"4) I tend to watch hardcore porn on the internet usually teen stuff but whatever i can find generally."

 

You may be associating "teen stuff" w/ good? sex, stop watching that and watch some porn w/ women who are older and/or your age w/ the wife and start acting out some of the scenes w/ your wife to spice it up.

[candy604]

perhaps the porn is replacing your wife. Cut down on the porn? Maybe it has become an addiction. Sounds like it is..you should get help or just fight the urges.

[TiredMan]

By mood, I mean you talked about losing the mood before with her even though you are past it now. The doctors and the pills you were taking.

 

Here's a theory. It's possible you like two different kinds of women. One like you wife and one like you see in the vids. I don't agree with those people who talking cutting down or "addiction". Im also getting the vibe that you feel that you didn't "get enough" during the teen years before being with your wife and you are kind of living it through the films. As if you want to go back through those years and have a ton of hot sex with teens your age. Does this sound right to you?

[Troubled_69]

By mood, I mean you talked about losing the mood before with her even though you are past it now. The doctors and the pills you were taking.

 

Here's a theory. It's possible you like two different kinds of women. One like you wife and one like you see in the vids. I don't agree with those people who talking cutting down or "addiction". Im also getting the vibe that you feel that you didn't "get enough" during the teen years before being with your wife and you are kind of living it through the films. As if you want to go back through those years and have a ton of hot sex with teens your age. Does this sound right to you?

 

 

After reading all of the feedback and advice that people have posted i think you have hit the nail on the head. Last night we had sex for the first time in about a month and it was fantastic, the trouble i have now is afterwards i always tell myself that i will pick up the pace i.e. have sex more often but it never seems to happen. With regards to porn do you think it is acceptable to masterbate on occasions when i am alone and wife is at work? I suppose the whole lack of sex arises when i have recently masterbated and don't feel like i have the energy to go again although at 27 this should not be the case. Do you know of anything i can take to improve my libido? After writing my problems down i felt like i had shared a problem and felt like i had sorted the issue out in my head. Thanks to all for the advice i intend to start 2007 with a positive attitude and to make my marriage/relationship what it used to be

[TiredMan]

I find no problem masterbating as much as you want. Use porn or whatever. Don't let anyone make you feel like it's wrong.

 

At the same time, spend quality time with the woman you love as well. There is room in your life for both.

 

Did my theory describe how you feel though? Do you feel like you didn't have sex partners before meeting your wife? Do you wish you could go back and have had more? This might be what fuels your teen porn watching. Just a guess. Could be wrong.

[treefrogkate]

I suppose the whole lack of sex arises when i have recently masterbated and don't feel like i have the energy to go again

 

... so why not wait until your wife gets home? I'm all for masturbation, but if your sex drive doesn't allow you to do both, then wouldn't it be better for all involved to hold off on sexual stimulation until your wife is involved?

[Cardinal]

I'd consider taking a break from masturbation or reducing the frequency somewhat. The best thing to do to test your libido is to just get blood work done and check your levels of free testosterone. While I do suggest doing so, I don't feel that is the problem. You get morning wood which is a good sign and you are also having a normal number of orgasms on your own (3x per week).

 

A poor diet can lower libido (not enough calories, not enough micronutrients and not enough dietary fat intake) and so can stress. A doctor might feel you need treatment if your test levels come back too low. More testosterone almost always helps boost libido.

 

I would just try to condition yourself to having frequent sex with your wife and lay off the masturbation. You don't have to go cold turkey or anything, but just cut down on it and let your natural libido do its thing when you are around you wife.

[MacGyverRI]

Go to a health food store and they will have lots of "Male vitamins", these are multi vitamins w/ herbs, supplements and other natural stuff added for mens libido. They have female supplements also.

 

Stay away from single ingredient products like Yohimbe which are the original quasi-Viagra.

[Misser]

I think you need to make sure your wife knows you are more interested in porn than her. I think this is a terrible shame and may be an addiction for you, which you may not even realize. You need to cut yourself off completely from porn for several months. When you finally feel no urge to look at porn, you and your wife should watch educational videos together if she agrees to it, but you cannot masturbate to these and you cannot let yourself get addicted again. plz just give this a try no matter how hard it sounds.

 

oops i posted this on the wrong thread. It should go on the one about the dude who doesn't have sex with his wife but watches porn and masturbates

[TiredMan]

He is not addicted and there is no problem with him masterbating to porn.