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I need some advice on my relationship..


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I have been with my boyfriend now for 4-5 months and I need some advice on this relationship! He treats me very well he does everything he can for me and sometimes we have arguments or disagreements on things but move passed them quickly... I was in a bad relationship before him and have been away from that 2 years the problem that I have with this relationship is the way that I act towards my boyfriend.


He treats me good and I treat him poorly and why I do it I have no idea mabe it's to guard my heart from being hurt or broken or to show him I am not putting up with nothing bad towards me even though there is nothing that he does that is bad it's all good things the thing is my relationship before I was a doormat I was sweet and kind to my ex did everything I could for him to make sure he was happy and now I am the total oppisite and I dont understand why?


Now my boyfriend now takes me being mean towards him sometimes and gets over it and deals with it like I did with my ex and I know how bad it hurt me and I do not want to hurt him and honestly do want to be with him but cant figure out why I am treating him this way if he is right for me?


Can someone please give me there opinions I am confused by this and mabe someone who has been through this or is going through this can help me out some and let me know what I can do or mabe why I would be doing this to him


He opens doors for me takes me out to eat plays with my hair tells me he cares for me and also tells me he loves me he is a year younger then me but all of the things he does for me is all that I ever wanted and now that I have that I treat him poorly and that can risk me losing him oneday? Can someone please help me if u can understand this thankyou so much in advance

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Hello DN! Thanks for all that you have helped me with over the years


Well I am just snappy with him and sometimes distant or sometimes he tells me I am pushing him away and I dont mean to do that because I dont want to push him away. I just get mean towards him sometimes like he has done something wrong but he has not done anything to me.. Never intentionally to hurt him but out of nowhere sometimes this happens and I dont even understand why is that normal? Why would I be doing that?

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I suspect that subconsciously you are doing it to him before he does it to you as a sort of defensive measure. Because of your ex, you expect to be treated like that and are reacting before it happens.


Realise that he is not your ex and learn to trust that he will not treat you badly. If you find you start to behave badly towards him, make a conscious effort to stop and treat him extra well.


Do something nice for him and when he reciprocates you will have 'earned a reward' so to speak.


The most important thing to remember is that he is not your ex.

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I know exactly what you're going through because i'm going through the exact same thing. I poke fun at my boyfriend all the time, we've almost been going out for six months already and i'm surprised he's still dating me. I even call him fat. I feel terrible every time I do it and i always tell myself it wont happen again and i should be nice. I've even tried to talk to him about it. I've asked him why he's going out with me when i treat him so bad. and he just tells me he loves me. it's kind of like an out of body experience isnt it? like you're watching yourself say these things and you dont know what to do to stop it. Well there is something you can do. just talk to him about it.Try telling him that you don't want to treat him this way and if it bothers him, then tell him to tell you that every single time.

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It seems to me that you realize that you are doing this to guard yourself but you need to realize that this is not the same person that did those things to you before. You need to know that if you cannot put yourself out there with this guy then you do not need to be in a relationship. You cannot treat another person badly because of something that happened in your past. When you put your past behind you then you will be able to have the kind of relationship where you treat the guy the way he deserves to be treated.

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Dn that is probably exactly what im doing because I dont want to be hurt and be treated bad again I will do it before he even gets the chance he tells me over and over that I need to trust him and that he is not like anyone I have been with so he wont do those thing's to me and so far he has not done anything to me that is out of line or disrespectful... I will just try to figure out a way I can stop doing it if he is doing nothing wrong but I dont know how because I guess I am using it so I dont get hurt thanks so much for your help again and I appreciate it

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The thing is I want to be with him because he does treat me very well so I need to stop doing what i'm doing and that's why I came here for opinions and advice to stop. He tells me all the time that I need to put the past behind me and that's exactly what I need to do going about doing it is hard because since it has been so long since we have broken up im over him and im over the fact we are not together but at times I cannot get over what he did to me and that is because I didn't deserve it but noW I understand where u all are coming from. I have completely cut my ex off and he still contacts me every cpl months using the line im just checking in but I could care less about that. I just need to stop being mean and taking something that happened to me in the past out on someone who has done nothing wrong

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This is an old tried but true remedy: every time you can feel yourself about to say something or do something you should not; stop and count to ten under your breath. By the time you have done that you should have been able to control your emotions, realised why you're about to behave badly and be able to stop. Then kiss or hug him instead.

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You really have to make a decision to see him, and not feel that he is really like your ex, deep down. You have to also choose your own behaviour; you really have to do it like jumping off a cliff; leave the old behaviour behind, and step into the new one. You remember how to be kind, you remember who you were before the abusive relationship? Choose to be that way again.


Your ex puked up alot of abusive behaviour patterns on you; scrape them off and move on.

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  • 2 weeks later...

I actually am going through something like this as well. i was with my ex on/off for about 4.5 years. I finally ended things with him about 7 months ago. Being with him was an emotional roller coaster, and I had felt like I lost a part of myself, since I put 120% into that relationship, and yet he was the one claling all the shots. Then I met my current hunny. The thing is, I am able to talk to him about it. I feel bad because for the first month we were together, I was constantly talking to him about the horrible things my ex did to me. Then reality struck, hes not the same guy. It helped alot that I was upfront with him & told him how I felt about everything. The best was we became fast friends in our relationship & i told him I always talked to him because I felt like he was the only person I knew that actually cared to know how I felt. And since talking with him, he's been encouraging towards me and has help me overcome my emotional issues from the past. I give him 120% of me, and he does the same. You need to tlak to your guy. Dont blame him for another's mistakes. Relax & realize that this new guy is there because he cares. Just be wary you dont let the same thing happen twice (not that it will!), or do it to him. Your scared you might, so let that be your guide and realize taking your anger from the past out on him will. Look at him in a new light and you'll be ok of course it helps that u talk to him, that way he can reencourage you that he's not the same person! If he really cares, then he wont mind reminding you as often as you need it, but again, you need to be independent as well, so rely on yourself to be strong too!

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