Saying no to girls does wonders

[ticcan]

I'm usually a yes man and I'm afraid I am too nice to girls, but I've been trying to change. The other day I taunted a girl with a no and I got a totally different reaction. This is the reaction we want from girls. When we just keep doing nice things over and over again to them they get bored dont they? they dont react at all, like they dont notice. But once you change ur approach to one of indifference and possibly arrogance then you will notice them respond.

 

I feel this is how I want girls to act around me and thus will reconsider niceness and my inclination to be their friend.

do you agree?

[SarahRose]

I really didn't want to believe this was true and I refused to believe it for years but after so many years of seeing it to be true over and over...

 

People want what is hard to get.

 

Being overly nice and doormat gets you taken advantage of and walked all over.

 

I have been around my x more lately(temporarily staying with him) and I could never ever go back and I feel I am neutral to semi cordial to indifferent to him and he pursues me still! He told me the other night he still loves me and always will. He does lots of things for me. Does my laundry and so on. I have given him no sign of anything and he still pursues!

 

OTOH the bf where I have been giving too much by mistake because I'm so in love with him, is like an emotional roller coaster with him from one day to the next. I think he takes advantage because he knows I love him a lot. I wish I could be so coolly indifferent to him.

[dani_katze]

I agree with Sarah. We want what is difficult to get.

 

We are imperfect so or we are too nice or too cold. I think the best is to be in the middle. To be someone who respect ourselves and give others what we won't regret to lose and be a litte mysterious.

 

I used to be too nice and give too much. I used to regret about how much I gave with no gratitude from the other person. Now I take little steps, first trying to know the person very well, before I give anything from me.

[Portage]

We all want what we can't have. Even when we mature and think we want what is good for us there is a small part that craves a challenge.

 

I think some of us our scared, what if we miss that "better" opportunity? Wrong, i know, but then again, maybe that is because we are wanting to meet that one perfect speciman who can just get us...

 

It's important to always be yourself. Just dont be too giving right from the beginning, let them see how independent and strong you are, allowing them into your life should be a "gift" to the both of you.

 

Let me know if you get it right

[Batya33]

I'm usually a yes man and I'm afraid I am too nice to girls, but I've been trying to change. The other day I taunted a girl with a no and I got a totally different reaction. This is the reaction we want from girls. When we just keep doing nice things over and over again to them they get bored dont they? they dont react at all, like they dont notice. But once you change ur approach to one of indifference and possibly arrogance then you will notice them respond.

 

I feel this is how I want girls to act around me and thus will reconsider niceness and my inclination to be their friend.

do you agree?

 

I don't think it's necesarily "nice" to be a yes man - sometimes it is passive, sometimes it is out of fear or insecurity or the need for approval. Sometimes saying "no" is far nicer because it is honest, lets the other person know what your limits and boundaries are and might inspire the other person to change his or her behavior for the better.

 

I think the term "nice" is overused and wrongly used so that people say "nice guys finish last" - I would prefer to say "passive/insecure guys finish last.

 

I wouldn't use "no" as a game - I would establish limits and boundaries based on your own self-worth. I respect my bf when he says no or gives an opinion he knows will not be popular with me, and vice versa.

[SquareWheel]

The hard-to-get thing may be a factor in some cases, but I think there's also another angle on this.

 

I think we're all attracted to people who have lives and opnions of their own, and are comfortable and confident in them. We're inclined to tag along with people who know where they're going. As social animals, we are just naturally attracted to leaders.

 

And people who are charting their own course will occasionally say no. People who always agree with us are following, not leading.

[Day_Walker]

I dont think of it as being a yes man I see it as not standing up for yourself and letting the other person walk all over you. It is not a crime to say no or that you dont want to do something that many men and women need to know that. Love does not mean doing things that you dont want to do because your partner does it is about compromise.

[TheRedQueen]

I've come to realize that many, if not most, people are insecure, and that these people's insecurities often manifest themselves into a wide array of masochistic pursuits, including "love". For example, the insecure girl always "loves" the quintessential jerk-off, while the insecure guy always "loves" the girl he can never have.

 

If you're looking for a confident chick, you should be wary of playing such "James Dean" games, because she'll see right through them, and more importantly, she'll see right through you.

[friscodj]

Welcome to ENA ticcan! Great to have you around here.

 

My heart sank when I read your post my friend. You're headed towards the darkside buddy, essentially using portrayal of arrogance and indifference to get what you want from people. The real problem will be when you do this a while and this portrayal becomes natural, i.e., you really do become arrogant and indifferent based on this conditioning.

 

So I guess you have to ask yourself...is this the person I want to be? Do you want to live your life based on the perception of others and the responses it will elicit? Do you think this behavior will generate true, lasting, healthy love in someone's heart?

 

So no, I don't agree with you bro. There is a difference between acting like an arrogant jackas who doesn't care about other people's feelings to create an illusion of a "challenge" to create an attraction based on such false pretenses and loving yourself as well as the other person by being fair to yourself and counting yourself equally in the relationship. There's no facade associated with that, only self respect and confidence in your decisions. And having and exercising self respect and confidence will naturally develop such for others as well. If this woman you are interested in doesn't see or respect that, she is not for you. Don't change who you are and what you do based on your attraction for someone else, who you perceive them to be, or what you think you want from them.

 

It sounds like you've been disappointed and hurt before by being the proverbial "nice guy". Perhaps it was not your good nature towards others but a lack of such towards yourself that helped make those negative experiences happen. My advice is stay true to yourself, your nature, what you believe in, and treat yourself with as much respect as you do others. The right woman for you will appreciate and love you for that far more than any facade you can portray.

[SexySadie7]

I agree discodj. .. when i read the words "arrogance" and Indifference, my heart sank and I cringed a little myself.

Especially since the guy I've been dating lately has been very arrogant and indifferent towards me. I cannot tell you how much it hurts my heart to be treated like this.

I suppose you could say I was too nice to him, but I don't like to play games. I have to be true to myself. If he cannot see that... I cannot go on ignoring his arrogant or indifferent behavior, because, I have to tell you, as much as I'm crazy about this guy, his arrogance and indifference is sure is distorting and colouring my judgement towards him. And not in a good way either.

These are not the kind of impressions you want to create with people ticcan!!! It's good that you are a nice guy.. but i do think some of the posters are right here in saying, that you need also to be nice to YOURSELF.

I know it's hard cuz us givers tend to think of ourselves last but sometimes you just gotta stick to your guns and do what's best for yourself.

If that means saying no.. then so be it.

I'm in the same situation where a friend i know is always asking for favors. i don't mind doing them but i see he does few for me. So i've decided that i need to be more fair to myself and say no when he asks me for something. Sometimes the favors really put me out and are inconvenient.

I think if i had done this at the beginning he'd have more respect for me, but i feel, if he's truly my friend, then it's not too late to demand some respect.

You must understand that there will be people out there that won't respect you no matter what! Don't worry about those kind of people, they aren't good energy anywhere. Try to steer toward the people who make you feel good about yourself without you having to jump through so many hoops to stay their friend.

[TheRedQueen]

When you say no to a girl, you are basically telling her that no matter what, she isnt going to get her way. Its one of the qualities that women look for in a man.

 

Wow, that's news to me, and I *have* a vagina.

 

This goes along with how to treat a child. A women that sees a man who always gives in is not going to want that person raising her kids. A man needs to be a man and treat children like children. A man that always gives in cannot be a good father.

Oh, I see, so the man is like "the father", and the woman is like "the child". Interesting...if you don't mind my asking, exactly where are you retrieving this information from, link removed?!?!?!?

[Day_Walker]

I dont think it is about playing a game by saying no to things because if you decide to play the situation like a game then you have to know when and where to say no and what to say no to. It just seems like a lot of work to be seen as something that you are not. I think it is much easier to be yourself and realize that you dont have to agree or say yes to your partner all the time.

I believe that there are women out there who are attracted to guys that say no to them where other guys would say yes and that is because it is something different. They dont want a guy they can own, they want a guy to stand up. Just like there are women out there who want men that they can walk all over, they dont want the guy to have an opinion and they want the guy to go along with whatever it is that she wants.

I say choose the kind of person you want to be and go with that, realiziing that it is going to have to fit with your personality.

[TheRedQueen]

^ that's some sound advice, and I agree with it fully.

[BlueWolf]

Sorry, I've been nice to myself and nice to others and it has gotten me nowhere. People can do some nasty footwork and screw you faster than you can expect. That said, It's good to have control over your own life and act out of what you feel, instead of reacting to other people's BS.

 

I have not become a jerk. I have become interested in pursuing and getting the things I want. That has worked. People respect me for that and most of all, I respect myself for that.

 

If there is one thing I won't tolerate any longer is people walking all over me due to my "niceness." I'll say it right now, being nice is OK, but it is not okay to be so nice that you create an image of being a pushover.

And that's what happens. Some people are so nice that others automatically dub them as pushovers and walk all over them.

 

There has to be some resistance.

 

 

People often say, "Awww, you're nice don't ever change that!" or "Awww, you're shy! That's sooo cute! Don't ever change!"

 

These comments, my friends, are dumbing people down instead of making them better people.

[rocio]

I agree. There was once a time when I was nice, and then life beat me up a bit. I've learned to hide my "niceness" until I know the other person well enough to know they won't mistake it for weakness.

[coooolsome]

RedQueen,

 

I should explain what I mean. By no means do I mean that you should be arrogant and always say "no" to a woman. I am basically trying to explain why you get a certain reaction from a women if you say no. As I said, there are times to say "no" and times to not say "no".

 

Its not saying "no" to a women that causes this reaction. Its the fact that you will stand up for yourself. There are other ways to do this also. It shows that you respect yourself enough to stand up for yourself.

 

Also, I didnt mean to imply that the woman is the child. Its how a man treats people is going to be a good indicator of how he will treat his children. Will he let them disrespect him and her? Will he put his foot down when its needed?

 

However, thinking that saying "no" all the time to a women is going to lead you down the wrong path. Eventually you will be seen as arrogant and manipulative.

 

This goes both ways. Women can and should also say no to men.

 

I used to give in all the time, I basically had no backbone and was a "nice guy" The second I started to stand up for myself and not let people walk all over me was when women acted differently to me. I still have a lot to learn and I am working on myself but this is what I have experienced in my life. But this doesnt mean that being a jerk is going to get you anywhere because again, from personal experience, it doesn't.

[belinda_simone]

Mmm.. games.. not a good thing.

Go back to being yourself. Someone will be so glad when they meet you - the REAL you.. and you can just relax and be your lovely self.

[Budman]

/me hi5's friscodj

 

I concur

 

Secondly, what fun is "luring" a woman in for a love that is not true?

 

She fell in love with the wall you formed, not the builder.

 

Ya for metaphors!

 

However, I do see where you can get that from

 

If you tell people no when they ask you for something, the more they want it from you.

 

Example:

 

I found that one of my backfires (which I was telling the truth) was telling women I was going out with (back then at least it was true) I wanted to wait till marriage for sex...

 

That was odd as heck, very odd.

[Northalius]

I'm usually a yes man and I'm afraid I am too nice to girls, but I've been trying to change. The other day I taunted a girl with a no and I got a totally different reaction. This is the reaction we want from girls. When we just keep doing nice things over and over again to them they get bored dont they? they dont react at all, like they dont notice. But once you change ur approach to one of indifference and possibly arrogance then you will notice them respond.

 

I feel this is how I want girls to act around me and thus will reconsider niceness and my inclination to be their friend.

do you agree?

 

All things done in moderation, I believe, depending on the situation and time.

 

If you're *too nice* to where you're a pushover, it shows you have little or no self-respect; it shows you've no foundation built within yourself to stand up and say "no" when "no" needs to be said. Having no self-respect is a turn-off to many people, men and women, because it shows you're not respecting a person (yourself!), and that's not nice! Most that disrespect themselves might think "Well, that'll be selfish if I do good things for myself!"

 

Trust me, there's a huge difference between being selfish and being respectful of yourself. Many think just because they're the ones that run their bodies, also think they're not a person, since they're not a separate physical entity; what a huge mistake. You're a person, so you NEED to respect yourself as you respect any other person you love.

 

If you can't respect yourself to put your foot down when it needs to be put down, then why should I respect you, as well? That's how I believe we subconsciously see it.

 

As you can see, respect is a big thing to me.

[ticcan]

I hate games but sometimes I feel it's a must to play them with people, especially girls, its a big risk being yourself.

[Batya33]

It's not about not being yourself, it's realizing that when you are "smitten" it is very hard to be yourself - those feelings make you feel insecure, etc and so you need to step back and come up with some guidelines - but don't play games. For example if you feel like calling her three times a day and you've been out only a few times on dates, force yourself only to call once a day. Give her space to get to know you over time rather than a more intense 24/7 approach. After that initial honeymoon phase you may still feel very strongly but you will feel more comfortable - more like yourself.

 

Some people disagree - they suggest just to "go with it" and call as much as you want, etc. I remember I was crazy about a guy a few years ago. After our first date he started calling a lot and sending a lot of emails - by day five or so, despite being "smitten" I was concerned - that it was getting a bit too much, a bit obsessive maybe? Luckily I was wrong but that shows that that kind of behavior can be a turn off, etc. so "being yourself" when you're smitten probably isn't a great idea all the time.