False Accusations

[Juliana]

Thought I'd throw this out there, because it's a problem for me, that I lately found out was related to my Borderline issues. I don't know quite what to do about it:

 

Anytime people misinterpret my motives for doing something, and imagine I have other motives that are more selfish, I guess, it paralyzes me. Apparently, this is a classic borderline response to false accusation: For example, a girl was accused of shoplifting, when she actually hadn't, but her foster parents believed she had. Instantly, she was unable to communicate with the foster parents. Couldn't defend herself, couldn't explain. She broke down and went into hospital.

 

The last time I was accused of something I hadn't done/felt, I dissociated. That's a very bad, destructive response for me. Any advice anyone could give me on how to handle it when people misinterpret my intentions, so that I have an option to dissociation, I'd really appreciate it. It's a huge pain in the a** to develop amnesia when someone accuses me of something, or believes I'm doing something I'm not. Haven't. Don't want to....

 

I know this should be simple, but it isn't, for me. How do other people handle it when someone accuses them of something they didn't do, or wouldn't want to do?

[Scout]

I'm not sure my answer is what you're seeking. But it seems to me, if someone is regularly being accused of selfish behavior by more than one person, well...where there's smoke, there's usually fire, isn't there?

 

Maybe it would help to have some more specifics here, because I don't think my first take is of much help to you.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

People will believe what they want to believe and there is not much you can do about it except go on with your life and know in your heart what intentions you had.

 

I know someone who I believe has Borderline issues and many times (not all the time) they do things for selfish reasons and then when called on it, deny it and twist things around to distort reality. So what happens is it becomes a scenario of "the boy who cried wolf". It becomes harder and harder for other people to see what has been done with honourable intentions and what has been done for selfish reasons. So the bottom line is that there is not much you can do about the way other people think.

[Juliana]

No, I'm talking about one-off things. Things that are clear-cut, like being accused of stealing, being accused of ...stuff. I mean, I know if I've done something or not done something. It is kind of weird for me, when I'm the person who has the "mental problem," but I seem to be able to see reality better than other people sometimes.

 

I mean, actual events: Did I lie, did I do such and such. That kind of thing. It becomes awkward, because it seems people are more comfortable believing negative things about me because I'm borderline.

 

I wonder why this has such a strong effect on me? Does everyone care so much if someone thinks they did something they know they didn't do?

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I guess I am not quite sure why someone would accuse you of stealing stuff or doing certain things if you have no prior history of doing such things.

[Honey Pumpkin]

Hi Juliana,

 

I don't quite understand what you're saying here fully - but I think you're saying that when someone says you did something you haven't (lying, stealing, being selfish), rather than defend yourself or argue the point, you switch off completely from the person, which makes it seem as though you have done whatever it is they're saying, because you're not engaging with them? Forgive me if I haven't got that right.

 

Well, would a pre-prepared speech help in those circumstances? Something brief, like "I find this difficult to talk about right now because of my condition. But can I get back to you when I've had a chance to refocus?". Just something to give you a bit of breathing space? Also maybe have good friends/family you always call in those circumstances?

 

Sorry, it's not an area I know much about - I can see how it would be very threatening for you to feel that you might be falsely accused of something and unable to refute the allegations.

[Juliana]

Here, I can give you a perfect example: I found someone's wallet outside a school. Went inside and handed it to the secretary. She said, how did you get this. You took it didn't you?

 

And my mind went blank.

 

Okay, so what would you all have done? What's "the correct response?"

 

As to why I get acused, I think it's because those people who know that I have BPD find it easier to imagine what I might do, than look at what I'm actually doing. Imagining terrible things is always more exciting than boring reality. At least, that's the only sense I can make of it.

 

I'll just add, some of your answers were really interesting. And thank you to those of you who have tried to find an answer for me; I can't tell you how difficult it is for me to try to translate my experience into something that you would find some commonality with. It is just simply this: Sometimes people imagine that I have done things I've never even wanted to do.

 

HP, I do frequently visualize the support of my friends when I'm in one of those weird situations. It does help. Sometimes not enough though, depending on how stressful the event is.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

That's a bit irresponsible of the secretary to say. I would think that if someone wanted to take someone's wallet, they wouldn't bother to return it!

I am not sure there really is an answer to an accusation like that. If someone made that accusation to me, I would probably just look at them funny and walk away.

[Juliana]

Unfortunately, I go into some kind of a spin. I stop and wonder; did I steal the wallet? They see the moment of hesitation, and from there, nothing I say or do will convince anyone that I didn't take it. Even though everything, every action, every bit of evidence, says otherwise. They think it; thereforeeee, it is so. And it just seems impossible to argue with; I can't defend myself. Even when someone else defends me, it's sometimes quite a chore to get someone to concede they "might" be wrong.

 

My friends get a little frustrated with the lunacy; only a few times has anyone else actually gotten caught up in it. I feel bad for them when they are. But it's odd, isn't it. This doesn't happen to other people?

[Scout]

Frankly, whether I had borderline issues or not, I think I'd be frozen for a few moments too if something was said to me like that mean secretary said to you.

 

Of course, if such accusations are causing you to doubt yourself, I do think that's a larger issue, one that might be based on some kind of early trauma, perhaps? Where you felt helpless, maybe, and then this defense mechanism of kind of shutting down kicked in?