Relegating to "friend" status. Can it be helpful or kill relationship?

[Lily04]

So I basically decided to tell the guy I had a major crush on...that I just want to be friends with him. Because I can't trust him yet and I feel like we're moving too fast (although I didn't explicitly tell him those reasons, he likely gets them.) I just sent an email to him telling him an update on my project he helped me with....and said "I trust you won't tell anyone this as it is confidential, but since you are a friend and helped me out with it, I'm letting you know." I was also impartial in my email, somewhat distant, not flirtatious.

 

He responded the same -- flirtation removed, more professional. He said I should contact him again to let him know how progress is with my work though, he'd be interested in hearing. A different tone than before though.

 

I'm just wondering if this can be productive for people at the start of a relationship though...I mean we just started dating but I got the impression that he was definitely interested in me sexually but I needed to have him see my other assets as well. If he can't, then we should just be friends first so those things can develop, and if not, then we're not meant to date anyway.

 

Do you think this makes sense, or will be lose interest altogether? I still really like him.....but I felt like if we still continued flirting heavily, he already wanted me to go back to his place, etc...I felt pressured myself. Things just have to go slower if so, as I'm fairly new to dating as well.....I don't have that much experience.

 

But he's also dating other girls right now. Do you think this retreat will just push him away altogether? Did anyone else do the same and did it turn out alright?

[holyohio]

Do you think this retreat will just push him away altogether?

 

yes.

 

telling a man you "see him as just a friend" is one of the worst cliches of our day.

 

he's probably heard it before, and it usually indicates(...well...in every case, it seems, EXCEPT yours) that the female is not sexually or romantically interested in a man regardless of any flirting or whatever takes place, but still looks forward to hopefully receiving his attention in the future.

 

if he's suave or wise (speaking strictly in the sense of wisdom, e.g he has experience in this area) he may even see your "lets be friends" as an insult to his demenor and behavior, as typically men who receive the "lets just be friends" (i can hardly type it without gagging) do so for a good reason...they are boring robots who let women walk all over them & have little or no self-esteem. In other words, women don't find them attractive (sexually, romantically, whatever) which leads them to receiving the "lets just be friends" talk.

 

A better tactic would have been that you are so consumed with work that you didn't have enough time to invest in a relationship. While this is still a pitifully cliche cop-out, at least he might think that he still had a shot in the future.

 

The best tactic would have been (gasp)...honesty & communication. Tell him that you are interested in him, but feel that you have a lot going on in life, that you are a very busy person, and that you think that things are just moving too fast for you. I don't know one decent man who would find this strange or offensive.

 

What you basically did is told him that you are, and will never be, sexually or romantically attracted to him.

 

No worries tho, love, for experience is a harsh teacher. she gives the test first and the lesson afterwards ! you'll learn tho

[Lily04]

Ok. Let me clarify. I told him that I just want to be friends with him.......but then we heavily flirted and met the next day and flirted then (albeit a bit more lightly, but still eye contact, touching, etc.)

 

after that the only indication that i wanted to be friends was in my email which was more subtle... i.e. this was what I said: "I trust you'll keep all of the info. in the previous email private...as it is somewhat confidential. I'm just letting you know as you are a friend and helped me out with it... thanks again."

 

But my tone was obviously different, not so flirtatious.

 

kill self?

[DN]

I think it will push him directly towards the other girls he is dating. If that is not what you want then I think you had better do some fence-mending here.

[Lily04]

Ok. DN did you read my reply just above? with these time settings I'm not really sure if you saw...

 

how would you suggest i mend it then? he likely thinks i'm a flaky freak by now lol....

[holyohio]

Ok. Let me clarify. I told him that I just want to be friends with him.......but then we heavily flirted and met the next day and flirted then (albeit a bit more lightly, but still eye contact, touching, etc.)

 

after that the only indication that i wanted to be friends was in my email which was more subtle... i.e. this was what I said: "I trust you'll keep all of the info. in the previous email private...as it is somewhat confidential. I'm just letting you know as you are a friend and helped me out with it... thanks again."

 

But my tone was obviously different, not so flirtatious.

 

kill self?

 

well rule no. 1 in dealing with any person of the opposite sex is to PAY ATTENTION to their ACTIONS, not their WORDS. Behavior is very many times more consistent than semantics simply due to the fact that behavior cannot be pondered, thought about, planned out, or forced as easy as written word or verbal language can. Ya dig? Most behavior is dealt out on a cause-and-effect basis, thereforeeee you do not have the same amount of time to attempt to deceive someone as to your real feelings as easily as you can if you are, say, sitting at home for a few hours wondering what to type on email or say on the phone.

 

if you think he is socially expert (in regards to females) enough to understand this (i know, i know, i usually dont advise women to make assumptions about a man or visa versa!), then you should be okay if you play back the flirting a little and then gradually increase and make it seem like you are warming up to him...

 

however, not all people know this. he is probably feeling somewhat confused right now, or sees you simply as a flirt or a .... tease. if you truly see yourself having this person in your life (and potentially not ONLY as a friend) you might try to sit down and explain (as non-threateningly as possible) that the email was just an attempt to slow down the interaction for a little bit until you got comfortable, and that you really are attracted to him, but want to get to know him a little better.

[Bethany]

So I basically decided to tell the guy I had a major crush on...that I just want to be friends with him. Because I can't trust him yet and I feel like we're moving too fast (although I didn't explicitly tell him those reasons, he likely gets them.

 

I think you are assuming that he does 'get them' ,when how can he? He is not a mind reader. He probably feels rejected and from your more formal email, it probably reaffirms that you have no interest in him anymore hence his professional reply.

 

You should spell it out your concerns of moving too fast to him, rather than pulling out the "lets be friends" card. I think it might be too late now to turn this around, but if you think he's worth it, then give it a shot.

[holyohio]

I think it will push him directly towards the other girls he is dating. If that is not what you want then I think you had better do some fence-mending here.

 

damn. well said !

 

 

brevity is wit, eh !?

[Lily04]

he already said he thought I was being too serious about this though, as we just started dating i guess....you're right, one of my friends told me to focus more on actions than words as well, but I didn't listen. I am evidently not so great with dating.

 

He's not back from New York until beginning of Jan. though, most likely...he may be coming back for a few days in between. Already we've had some difficulty with mixed messages and confusion based on that....I would delete him from MSN when I was pissed off at him, and did again most recently lol......ugh I just need things to be straight between us!! no more games!!! however, he already said he thinks i'm too complicated....sitting him down and saying this might just push him away as well. how to do this diplomatically?

[Lily04]

so honestly: people think my e-mail and tone likely pushed him away???? just that small message that i trusted him because he's "a friend"? man...i think I need a personal helper with regard to dating, I can't trust people and just push them away...is this in any way recoverable?

 

hey what about this: i start chatting with him again on MSN/gmail....ask him how stuff is going. lightly flirt with him. pretend like nothing happened? and many people who date are ALSO friends so it's not like the two are exclusive. I see him as a friend and a potential date...

[holyohio]

So I basically decided to tell the guy I had a major crush on...that I just want to be friends with him. Because I can't trust him yet and I feel like we're moving too fast (although I didn't explicitly tell him those reasons, he likely gets them.) I just sent an email to him telling him an update on my project he helped me with....and said "I trust you won't tell anyone this as it is confidential, but since you are a friend and helped me out with it, I'm letting you know." I was also impartial in my email, somewhat distant, not flirtatious.

 

 

Ah, so you didnt say you just wanted to be friends, you merely addressed him as a friend in a sentence thanking him for looking over one of your projects?

 

sorry, it's early in the mornin' here, didnt read it correctly!

 

I think you should be ok then. I just read the title, read you sent him a lengthy email about moving too fast, called him a friend (and even in your mind told him that you see him as "just a friend") and the like...totally different situation !!

 

I think you are fine then, not as big of a deal as you think...if you really only said just what you said "don't tell anyone about my project, i come to you in confidence as a friend!" or whatever (paraphrased)

 

However, if this guy is a co-worker, subordinate, or superior of yours, I would seriously consider whether or not you two should get close. Nothing good ever comes from interoffice relationships. "Don't ...poop where you eat", right? Could end up with one/both of you getting fired, sexual harassment lawsuits, or otherwise. Not very fun stuff to deal with.

 

good luck !

[DN]

SOunds like a plan. If you get a chance in a conversation drop in something about liking to be friends with people you date.

[Bethany]

When you tell a man that you want to be 'just friends', he takes your word for it and moves on. It wasn't necessarily the mail, but it didn't help. Go for what DN said, I think it's too late now but good luck anyway.

[Lily04]

Hey,

 

Thanks for your opinions.....

 

You are soo relationship coaches!!! So this may not be done yet. awesome....

 

Regarding the subordinate/work relationship thing, that may be an issue....we do not work together so there are no rules against dating that we'd be breaching or anything like that, but he is a law student previously a Ph.D student here, and I am an undergrad. I think he feels that the intellectual/maturity gap may be too much, especially considering the fact that he was helping me with my essay... it is in a way mimicking that type of subordinate relationship, is it not? Although I am applying to law school as well, and will likely get into a good school, so it's not like I'm not intelligent either. He's 27 and I'm 22 so it's not like a huge age gap either.

 

But if he's also wondering whether this can be a serious relationship (I am also questioning whether he just wants sex, which was why I wanted to slow down... we haven't had sex yet btw), and now retreating in tone....we might just end up as friends in any case.

[Lily04]

When you tell a man that you want to be 'just friends', he takes your word for it and moves on. It wasn't necessarily the mail, but it didn't help. Go for what DN said, I think it's too late now but good luck anyway.

 

maybe I should have made my original post clearer? Did you think my email alluding to that made it explicitly understood?

[holyohio]

Did you think my email alluding to that made it explicitly understood?

 

in my opinion, reading just what you said and taking it as a direct quote, no. he probably didnt think twice about it.

[Lily04]

in my opinion, reading just what you said and taking it as a direct quote, no. he probably didnt think twice about it.

 

thanks ohio. check your message...i'm so confused by his response though. i think the connection may be lost. I don't know if I want to copy/paste his email here, but it sounds like something a prof. would send to a student (hence the note above about a sense of power differential, etc.)

[insofar]

Why don't you just tell him what you're thinking about all this?

[Luke Skywalker]

so honestly: people think my e-mail and tone likely pushed him away????

 

You rejected him whether you meant it or not. If the connection is lost it may be too late since nobody likes to be rejected and you've created a negative anchor with yoruself by doing that as you'd be in the same category of other women who have said that to him in the past.

[annie24]

to be honest with you, I think from the beginning, you should have talked less and listened more. instead, you kind of just jumped to the conclusion that he is a player and then told him that. there is no need to lay all your cards on the table. better to just listen to what he says, see what he does.

 

But honestly, if your gut instinct tells you he is a player (like you said before), then better just to walk away, instead of walking away, second guessing yourself, and then saying a bunch of stuff to him, and then figuring how to take it all back. then it just starts turning into a mess.

[annie24]

Ok. Let me clarify. I told him that I just want to be friends with him.......but then we heavily flirted and met the next day and flirted then (albeit a bit more lightly, but still eye contact, touching, etc.)

 

after that the only indication that i wanted to be friends was in my email which was more subtle... i.e. this was what I said: "I trust you'll keep all of the info. in the previous email private...as it is somewhat confidential. I'm just letting you know as you are a friend and helped me out with it... thanks again."

 

But my tone was obviously different, not so flirtatious.

 

kill self?

 

PS - don't ever put confidential information in an e-mail. e-mails get forwarded all the time. if you have something confidential to say, say it in person, or over the phone.

[Lily04]

Why don't you just tell him what you're thinking about all this?

 

because... he likely already thinks I'm crazy?? telling him my inner thoughts, or analyzing the 'relationship' so soon when things might already be broken might not be the best course of action!

[Lily04]

to be honest with you, I think from the beginning, you should have talked less and listened more. instead, you kind of just jumped to the conclusion that he is a player and then told him that. there is no need to lay all your cards on the table. better to just listen to what he says, see what he does.

 

But honestly, if your gut instinct tells you he is a player (like you said before), then better just to walk away, instead of walking away, second guessing yourself, and then saying a bunch of stuff to him, and then figuring how to take it all back. then it just starts turning into a mess.

 

Hi Annie,

 

Right. Well as I mentioned in another post, after he didn't call me back I was thinking of ending it right there. I guess as I also mentioned, I was scared of getting hurt. Very much so. I didn't want him to think he can take advantage of me, or just play with me as I've had guys attempt to do in the past (i.e. try to have sex with me on the 2nd date, i refused, they never called me back...) and I thought that by telling him I think he's a player it would guard against that in a way...so he'd know that that's not what I want, and if he's trying to do that, it won't happen.

 

The lack of trust here is evidently what caused this, based on my past experiences with men esp. in superior positions playing mind games, and it just created a negative mindset here, despite really being attracted to him. When he didn't call or message right away, and let things drift, I thought it was a sign of obvious disinterest (which I also told him) but he said it wasn't what he intended at all.....but then *I* deleted/blocked him on MSN because I'd get upset with seeing him there all the time and never messaging/calling me or anything.

 

Anyway either way.....there were mixed signals. To be honest, I'm not really sure what to think at this point. I still like him but I feel like things have drifted....he's dating other people, likely feels it's better to just be friends as well. At least that's what his impartial e-mail seems to imply....it seemed somewhat withdrawn, not flirtatious...and he didn't even message me to say Merry Christmas or anything...:sad:

 

Regarding confidentiality -- what I said wasn't that big a deal, even if he did tell others. So I wasn't that concerned. I wouldn't put something truly confidential in email form either.

 

Lily

[Lily04]

But you know what. At the same time.....I got the impression that he wanted nothing serious from me, so maybe this is for the best. That's why I was sorta hesitant as well....

 

Although I was lukewarm in my e-mail, he was completely professional in tone saying "happy holidays, let me know how progress on the paper is going in the next few days."

 

Would a guy who is really interested say something like that?? sounds like something a professor would say to a student....not someone who is really attracted to you. So maybe he also decided that since I wasn't an easy lay, he shouldn't try and it may be better to just be friends. I assumed it was my lukewarm tone that led him to that, but it could have just been that he decided he wouldn't get what he wanted from me (easy sex) and it was better to move on as well. Why do men suck so much???

 

Lily

[Lansing]

My advice..... You need to get past your "analyzing" of everything in terms of a relationship. Do you think so much about other aspects of your relationship? I know it is hard because I do it a lot to (adn probably the reason why I am here) but I think you are taking every little thing the guy does and looking for "clues" in it.

 

Step back from this situation for a bit. Try not to think about him. I think one of the reasons why you like him is it gives you mind something to do. However, all of this thinking isn't healthy. Try to focus your thoughts on other things....