Setting up a known cheater .... is this wrong???

[proudtabby]

Hi ...

 

My boyfriend cheated on me about three months ago .... it may have involved multiple women, but I will never know (we both agreed to forgive and move on, for multiple reasons).

 

Once we got back together after this incident, a friend of mine, who was concerned that he would do it again, 'set him up' (they put a fake profile on a dating site and my boyfriend made initial contact with this person while we were apart, but it did continue after we reunited and they continued to flirt and e-mail/chat with each other.) I was not aware of this going on. Once this communication culminated in a date being arranged and me being lied to about it, my friend let me know what was going on (and sent me transcripts of all of their communications). I could not believe it.

 

The issue is this .... my boyfriend is absolutely LIVID that he was 'set up' and only wants to concentrate on that part of the issue. He says that the sting operation was not 'real' .... thereforeeee, it didn't happen .... and he wants me to cut ties with this friend immediately (it was a previous boyfriend of mine .... but there is absolutely no interest on either part anymore ... we are just very good friends.)

 

My boyfriend says that this was a major violation of privacy and trust .... and I am conflicted about this. Yes .... he was entrapped but he had cheated on me once before and he could have easily 'passed this test', but he didn't. I have friends who say this was justified because he had done it to me before ("whether you catch a fish with a fake worm or a real worm, it's still a fish").... while he claims that his friends say this was terrible and malicious and the friend of mine is a psychopath.

 

What should I do?

 

Thanks for any advice/help .... it is needed right now ... in my conflicted life.

[BellaDonna]

It was indeed wrong of your friends to get in your business and set him up. However, I think the even "bigger" wrong was the fact that he lied to you again, and had the INTENTION to cheat (set-up or not). Of course he's not going to focus on that aspect.

 

Honestly, he is not showing any remorse for cheating the first time if he had the intent to do it yet again.

 

Why do you stay?

 

BellaDonna

[chai714]

Easy answer. Lose the guy. There was never a need to inform him of the setup. He failed any which way you look at it.

 

But if you feel you deserve to be with someone who has cheated and will cheat again, good luck to you.

[GQstatus]

He is trying to get the heat off himself by making YOU feel guilty. Don't let him. What you did wasn't the most effective way of going about things, but nontheless you had your reasoning.

 

Like the saying goes. He made his bed, let him lie in it.

[BellaDonna]

Even if he considers your friend a "psychopath", he has proven to be a "philanderer" and also someone who is very dishonest, so he's missing the point here by focusing on your friend.

 

How long have you been dating? What do you get out of this relationship?

 

 

BellaDonna

[shes2smart]

I agree with BellaDonna. I think you need to look at your friend's intentions in setting him up. If you believe their intentions were coming from a place of caring for you and not wanting to see you hurt again....and not so much from a "Let's screw him over" perspective, I'd cut them a little slack in regard to their methods. I'd thank the friend for their efforts and the info, but I'd also ask them to butt outta my business in the future.

 

As for him, of course he's gonna say it's not fair. That deflects your anger from him to your friend and he gets to look like the "innocent" one here. After you evaluate your friend's intentions, evaluate his....what possible reason would he have for continuing to talk/flirt with someone on a dating site AFTER you had both decided to get back together? Did he ever even mention to the fake "other woman" that he was even considering getting back together with his ex (you) or did he continue to present himself as single and available?

 

Both your friend and the guy choose some questionable actions here. However, your friend likely had good intentions towards you while the guy most likely didn't.

[amtjrtcet]

He is trying to get the heat off himself by making YOU feel guilty. Don't let him. What you did wasn't the most effective way of going about things, but nontheless you had your reasoning.

 

Like the saying goes. He made his bed, let him lie in it.

 

Yep, he is trying to turn the tables and focus blame on you. DON"T LET HIM. You're not a door mat. Don't let him walk on you.

[arwen]

Well, of COURSE he is focussing on the part where he was set up. He's caught red-handed, it's a typical way to behave in that situation. I do by no means condone what your friend did, but I think he may be genuinely worried and thought this as the only way to make you see the truth about your bf. The motivation, or alternate motivations, I don't know. Talk about this with him, and break up with the bf.

 

Break up with the guy for good. He is clearly not ready or willing to have a committed monogamous relationship. Why are you still with him?! He has proven to not deserve any second chance by screwing up this chance. Pack his stuff and tell him never to contact you again. There are plenty of men out there looking for commitment, don't waste your time and heart to this one.

 

Ilse

[Hope75]

I find it quite odd that a male friend who just happens to be an ex-boyfriend took it upon himself to set your bf up like that- so, as others have said, I would definitely question his motives...

 

But in the end, your boyfriend agreed to a date with someone he did not know was setting him up- AFTER he promised not to cheat again, so he's clearly proved that he cannot be trusted and is not worthy of staying in a relationship with you.

 

Of course he's angry- he got caught red-handed.

 

Time to send him packing... for good.

 

As for the friend, you can decide based on his motives, as S2S said, what you choose to do with that friendship.

[Boughs]

Sounds abusive, leave him. I think its been said. Good luck

[yeawutever]

Drop that loser, he already failed the set-up test and is also proving you that he's capable of cheating again if given the chance. He's not doing it now b/c he got caught, but he will be very secreet about it if a next time were to come.

[confused25]

Although I do question your ex-bf's intention on doing such a thing . . . but then again, I think ur current bf deserves it! Don't listen to his bs . . . he's just trying to manipulate you into thinking that it's your fault . . .

[Skippy]

I say lose both. Lose the boyfriend because he a is cheat.

 

Lose the friend because they don't know where the boundries are, although a good outcome came from this it crossed the line because IF you boyfriend didnt cheat they just tested your relationship without your consent.

Warped good intensions i say.