Loveless Sexless Marriage

[Retiring Army Guy]

Hi! My wife told me in June that she no longer loved me and that our marriage was over. She has been depressed and unhappy for many years. She was always a very, very needy persons and my inability to meet all her needs is what she says has caused her unhappiness. She has been hesitant to file for divorce or separation since her announcement which I initially took as a good sign. We have 2 boys age 5 and 8. I have consistently asked her to see a counselor and/or work on our relationship, which she refuses.

 

Now she tells me that she wants to "just live together" - no love, no sex. I just bring home the money and let her do whatever she wants. She says it is for the kid's sake. She gives some vague illusions that she may eventually decide to work on rekindling our love (like in 5 yars) but I feel like she is just trying to string me along.

 

We've been married 20 years - just had our anniversary yesterday. She wouldn't even give me a kiss on the cheek and seems repulsed by me.

 

Think it's time for me to move out but hate the impact it will have on the kids. Any advice on coping with living in a loveless, sexless marraige. I think we both deserve more. How or can I convince her to join the team and come in for the big win? Thanks for any advice you can offer...

[Clementine orange]

I'm sorry to hear this - it must be rough. From what you've written it sounds like you've done whatever you can. If she won't go to councelling then ....

Oh course you could go and see what they have to say however if it was me then I think I would have problems with that arrangement.

It might be tough on the kids but wouldn't it be tougher living with two adults who don't love each other? Kids are resillient and adaptable. They also will have their minds shaped (about relationships and women etc) by the example they see around them (ie: you two) not totally mind you but it is an effect.

 

I just bring home the money and let her do whatever she wants.

 

 

Can she stand on her own two feet if you two went separate ways? Or is she staying simply because she needs your money and stability?

Personally that would burn into me and cause a resentment.

 

You also need to ask yourself "can _you_ live in a loveless, sexless marriage" maybe she can but can you? What if you meet someone? You do have a right to try to find happiness.

[DN]

I would file for divorce and joint legal and physical custody of the children. You are worth more than being a walking wallet for her to use like that.

[Beec]

If in your shoes, I would decide to do one of two things, now. One, I might sit down and do some research into how men and woman function and interact, and spend a few months doing it without letting her know, than take that and make an attempt to improve your marriage. things I would read would be varied. I'd read stuff like "The Art of Seduction" by Robert Greene; the book by Tom McKnight who has link removed, "You Just Don't Understand" by Deborah Tannen; The Rules; Dave D'Angelo's stuff; the Don Juan Bible from link removed; link removed or link removed; something by David Lieberman; and others. Armed with that, I might try to reform and remake my relationship. But I'd take my time learning and preparing.

 

If I decided not to do the first thing or it failed, I'd leave. There would be no way I'd stay in a marriage with soemone unwilling to try to meet my needs. You are never and have never been responsible to make her happy. You were responsible for doing what you could that was in her ebst interest. So long as you tried, that should be enough. She is not willing to try. It's either time to change it, or leave.

 

Welcome to enotalone. I don't think this is a decision you will make quickly. Stick around.

[Beec]

You are worth more than being a walking wallet for her to use like that.

 

Amen to that.

[annie24]

welcome to enotalone.

 

I would file for divorce and joint legal and physical custody of the children. You are worth more than being a walking wallet for her to use like that.

 

I agree! beec has compiled a very good reading list.

 

do you think things are salvageble?

[Hope75]

I agree with the others- I would not agree to a living situation where you are like room mates when you know that is not what you want and you would not be happy with it.

 

Children are very perceptive and would be able to pick up on that tension immediately, you would not be doing your kids any favors by living like that.

[SuperDave71]

Hey there,

 

After sharing 20 years together and having to hear "Let's just live together"............ Nooooooo way!!!

 

I completely agree with DN. Life is short. NO one EVER said, just because you divorce doesn't mean you don't love your kids.

 

It sounds as if you have alot of life to live and alot of love to give...

BE HAPPY! BE EXCITED THAT SOMEONE OUT THERE WILL FIND YOU!!!

 

 

You stand up and hold your chin up....USe your brain and try to put the "good time" thoughts on hold.

 

Give her an ultimatum and say...seek professional help, or file for divorce.

 

 

Be Strong,

 

 

SuperDave71

[Retiring Army Guy]

Divorce still seems like the easy out even though it may ultimately be unaviodable.

 

I did see a counselor myself for about 3 months after her initial bombshell. I read a couple of Dr. Phil's books and spent a lot of evenings at the book store after the kid's went to bed.

 

I just got "How one of you can bring the two of you together" by Susan Page.

 

Since my last post I told my wife I would give her until July when the kids are out of school for the summer to make her mind up to work on our relationship or not.

 

I've had an interest in Chinese Astrology (unfortunately began after we married) and found the 2 of us are not very compatible. The other day I found this article on the web that describes my wife's Chinese zodiac

 

What Is A Fire Horse?

Although I'm not a believer in astrology, I'm more than willing to admit that it's fun. No matter your opinion on the topic, you probably also know your birth sign, at least according to the western paradigm. You know, Capricorn, Pisces, Libra, that sort of thing.

Some people also know their birth sign in Chinese astrology -- mine is a horse. Others are dogs, goats, tiger, dragons, and other animals. What you may not know is that there are special personalities associated with each of the signs. 1966 was a Horse year, and it was a special kind of horse -- a Fire Horse, called "hinoeuma" in Japanese. (The Chinese astrological system is also in use in Japan and Korea as well, although each country puts a slightly different spin on it.)

Japanese women who were born that year (and the previous Fire Horse year, 1906) battle superstitions about themselves all the time. Fire Horse women are called dangerous, headstrong, and are seen as deadly to men. This may sound quaint to western ears, but the 1906 Japanese herd was subjected to poverty and starvation because they could not marry. The 1966 herd has it a bit easier, but they still fight superstitions. Chinese tradition also sees the Fire Horse as a special sign entailing either spectacular good luck, or terrible bad luck; they consider that nothing about the Fire Horse occurs in moderation. However, I've never heard of any particular problem encountered by Fire Horses in China, much less Fire Horse women.

 

 

The part about "seen as deadly to men" really got me. I shared this with my wife in attempt to show her that her personality may be a larger part of the problem. I think it may have had an impact.

 

Thanks again for the advice and Happy Holidays all. I'm letting myself be absorbed in my boy's happiness this week.

[Retiring Army Guy]

She's not seeing anyone or being financially draining. I think it's more about what we each bring to the relationship. She used to bring love, compassion, understanding, caring, etc... and now she does not so things seem wildly out of balance.

[Retiring Army Guy]

Again, thanks all for your comments. SuperDave you really hit the mark - unfortunately I've gotten that squishy, maybe sometime in the future (like up to 5 years), I'll be willing to work on it response many times now. I'm okay with waiting until the boys finish school this year for her final answer and I have the ability to schedule a good bit of travel with my work so it should be manageable.

 

I took control of all financial accounts and put on a budget so I think I'm covered there as well. So my way ahead is to continue reading, act cordial, enjoy my kids and my freedom and see what her decision will be.

 

If I'm missing something or making a mistake, please let me know.

[Beec]

What you wrote sounds good.

 

One of the things I've found is a great motivating factor for people is to give them waht they want, and then stop giving it. It can be as simple as paying attention to someone for an hour, and then not for 20 minutes. By the end of that twenty minutes, the person might be doing anything to get your attention again. link removed talks in the free principals about giving someone emotional fulfillment while remaining aloof. I've found that giving emotional fulfillment, then stopping it or threatening it's continued provision can be a real motivator.

 

In a former relationship, I knew I was going to have a fight over something with that ex-gf. On Friday night, I was very nice. I gave her a little teapot, made an herbal tea, and had it with her. I made her feel special. On Saturday evening, I dropped the hammer. I was out unless things happened. Sunday morning, she called me up and told me she had not slept all night, loved me and wanted it to work. Now, I think my tactic was a bit overhanded, but that realtionship was not in a good place, and ended anyway. But making her feel special, and then removing it, really changed how she felt in the short term.

[Retiring Army Guy]

Beec,

 

Thanks, I've already tried lots of things but your approach makes great sense. I'll give a shot in small doses to start with and get comfortable then make the big move.

 

At this point, I'm good staying or leaving. Certainly feel it's better for my sons to try everything to stay and work things out first.

 

Frankly don't think the wife knows what she wants. She lets herself be guided by pure emotion - so your method should offer some promising results.

 

Goodness knows reason and logic have had no effect.

 

Thanks

[Suzy-TO]

Retiring Army Guy:

I think you have a great outlook. Sorry you have to go through all this. Ah, wish life, love were easier. I guess there would be no need for this forum then. Keep us posted, I wish you and your family all the best.

[SuperDave71]

Retiring Army Guy,

 

 

Ask your wife what she DOESN'T want instead?

 

 

It's all in how you ask the question.....

 

 

 

-SuperDave71

[Beec]

Goodness knows reason and logic have had no effect.

 

You're welcome.

 

Reason and logic will never have any effect. First, she is a woman. Second, love is all about emotional attachment. It's not about anything logical.

 

Sounds to me like you got into a routine, and being a military guy, my bet is that you probably did. And while you thought you were doing what a good guy should, she got used to the routine and it became blase to her. When things happen all the time, without change, when things are always there, soon we take them for granted and don't want them. In her case, she gets some comfort from the relationship and living situation, but does not feel much else is there.

 

If you want her to feel differently,then she needs to first feel, and that means something in what you do should change.

 

My sad warnign here is that if you put in a lot of effort to do this, you may find you resent having to do so. So, be aware of those feelings which may come up. I have coached a few people into getting back with someone, and in most cases, if they can get them back, soon after the ex is back he or she is put through the ringer as a way to match the effort put into getting them back. But people don't, won't and shouldn't see that effort.