Girls/Guys, is it time to throw in the towel? Girlfriend won't meet me halfway..HELP

[Box Diver]

We have been dating for 5 years this New Years.

 

The big issue at hand? Sex.

 

We didn't have sex until 8 months into the relationship. She was a virgin before I was...keep in mind. We never had "a lot" of sex....but at the beginning....we would have it once a week....sometimes twice a week. We only saw each other 4 times/week....so I figured 1-2 times was fine (so that the relationship didn't turn into sex only).

 

As time went on.....the sex went down. One day I questioned her said babe...I honestly don't like sex at all. I asked why, what we could do, etc.

 

She performed oral sex on me 2 times in the 5 year span...and both times said "I can't do it it makes me gag." I'm not large....I'm 6 inches...so it's not as if I'm hung very well.

 

She also won't let me perform oral sex on her. She claims that she thinks it's disgusting.

 

Lately...ths sex has disappeared. I almost have to "beg" to get it....and we only do it once every 4-5 weeks. I honestly can't take it anymore.

 

She claims she has low sex drive....and that the only reason she had sex with me frequently before was because she thought I would leave her....but now that we've been together so long...she says I wouldn't do that.

 

She REFUSES to go to the doctor about it. She says I have to accept her for who she is and that she doesn't like sex.....and will only have it once in a while.

 

I asked what about when we get married? (we talk about marriage...she assumes we're getting married). She says it will probably be the same. I asked if she would see a doctor then and she said no.

 

When she gets upset enough....she'll say "If you need sex that bad, you're with the wrong person." or "Ok I'll buy you a hooker once/week to have sex with you." I honestly believe she says it just to be a brat and so that I drop the subject....because if I were ever to have sex with another girl (not saying I want to)....she would not approve of it....so she's just saying these things.

 

So I mean...she won't try new sexual positions, won't do/take oral sex, etc.

 

As of late...things that I usuallly let "slide" (mood swings, etc.) are really starting to bother me. I know it's because I'm bitter about sex.

 

Something else about her.....she doesn't party. She doesn't drink either. Her father is an alcoholic...so she resents alcohol. She'll never go to bars/out, etc. I don't drink as much as I'd like to. That's a sacrifice I've made because I don't want to upset her.

 

Now I sit here....24 years old. I love the girl. Is this something that can be fixed? Or are we just 2 different people? Help please.

[RayKay]

Well, it is not something that can be fixed if she is not willing to work on it...and she seems to have said it many times over she does not think it is a problem.

 

Sometimes couples have different sex drives and interests - sometimes they can compromise and develop something there together. But that takes willingness on both parts.

 

Things definitely won't change with marriage, the won't change with more time, and they won't change when she is unwilling to work on it or even explore the possibility. She may be asexual, she may have been raised to believe it is disgusting, who knows....but if she won't open up about it, or work on it...there is nothing you can change about it.

 

So...my advice with all that is you have to decide for yourself how important sexual compatibility is, and decide whether this is the way you can go the rest of your life. If not....well she has already told you it's not "her problem" and I would say it is time to walk. If you can accept it...then it means you also have to stop asking about it because I really don't think at this point it will change...she has made it clear.

 

Sex is not everything, but it is a healthy part of a relationship and it is not wrong for you to want a sexually healthy relationship with the person you love.

 

It is not surprising you are growing resentful of many things...sex is a bond between couples that helps foster those healthy endorphins, it has both healing powers and brings intimacy along with the emotional aspects....without it, you tend to get more irritated if you lose out on those things.

[Boughs]

Sex is a large part of every relationship. Comfort in partying/drinking is also important in that, you should share similar night activities.

 

If a girl didn't have sex to my liking... then I'd think she isn't right for me. Seems shallow but comfort is key in a relationship. Sounds like you have quite a few discomforts. Remember over the years, people grow/get curious.

 

I think you are curious, and if I were you, i'd go have more fun. You got a lot of time before marriage should really matter.

[Reluctant Rebuilder]

Box Driver, this exact thing happened to me ten years ago. When my fiancee told me that her sex drive was dead and I better get used to it, I did everything I could to get her to have sex with me. The more I demanded/guilted her into doing it, the more she resisted. The more she resisted the more I demanded. I tried talking with her, but she would never want to talk about it. So I had a resentment toward her building and building in me until we drifted apart. The engagement was called off and we went our separate ways. I don't know what the right thing to do there would have been. I tried talking and that didn't work. I asked her to see a counsellor but she refused. I looked ahead at my life with this woman and saw years and years of sexual frustration waiting for me. Looking back, it was really painful to have that relationship end, but I think it would have been more painful stuck in a relationship with someone who didn't have the same sexual drive that I did. I can't tell you what to do, but I can say that I don't know of a way to get someone to face a problem if they don't believe one is there. Maybe the two of you can go together to see a therapist?

[Box Diver]

Thanks for the quick response.

 

I just find it strange she is not willing to work on it....I don't understand. And when I ask....she gets upset. It always turns into an argument or her saying "go have sex with someone else" (immaturely).

 

I know her family really well...and she certainly wasn't raised with sex being "disgusting." So that one is out...

 

I just don't know....I've been with her for a long time....she's a great, loving (not sexually of course) girl/woman. What really makes me not want to leave.....is if she would just open up about sex....that would change everything.

 

Like I said, I'm 24. I always thought one of the "perks" (for lack of a better word) of a relationship is sex.

 

When we used to have sex more...I could tolerate more things.

 

The fact that I'm not getting sex, I never go out anymore, etc. is making my life really boring. After a long week of work busting my * * *....it would be nice to have sex with the woman I love. Instead....my friday and saturdays consist of doing nothing. We barely even makeout anymore. She says "that's so high schoolish." I mean what the hell?

 

Before people claim cheating...I know she's not for many reasons. Also, me and her brother are good friends (strangely enough...but we agreed long ago NEVER to let my gf/his sis get in the way of it.....that includes no relationship questions...things related to sex, etc.). He said the only thing he would ever tell me is if he thought she was cheating on me. I agreed and said that was fair.

[Box Diver]

That's an amazing post. I think I am you 10 years ago. Every single thing you said in there I did/I am feeling. Seriously....that is almost creepy how much that is my life.

 

She won't see a therapist either....

[heloladies21]

She claims she has low sex drive

Not the case. She's just not that into you. A girl's sex drive is so tied into her emotional level of interest so it's obvious that her feelings for you have declined over time and your relationship is on the way out.

 

When she gets upset enough....she'll say "If you need sex that bad, you're with the wrong person." or "Ok I'll buy you a hooker once/week to have sex with you."

Not a good sign. She either doesn't really care about you or doesn't think there will be any consequences for such an outrageous statement.

 

Her reactions and statements are common from a chick who's dating a guy with a doormat personality. If you have problems sticking up for yourself and usually let things slide to avoid confrontation, then expect similar results with other women. This is something you're gonna want to correct otherwise you won't have successful relationships no matter who you date.

[Box Diver]

Her reactions and statements are common from a chick who's dating a guy with a doormat personality. If you have problems sticking up for yourself and usually let things slide to avoid confrontation, then expect similar results with other women. This is something you're gonna want to correct otherwise you won't have successful relationships no matter who you date.

 

Honestly, I'm not a doormat at all. The only thing she has control over in this relationship is sex. No, I am not a control freak or anything...I'm just saying.

 

Also...this is the first girl where this has been the case. My previous relationships have always had good sex. Always.

[Reluctant Rebuilder]

That's an amazing post. I think I am you 10 years ago. Every single thing you said in there I did/I am feeling. Seriously....that is almost creepy how much that is my life.

 

She won't see a therapist either....

 

Oh man. I'm sorry that this is happening, I know how you are feeling right now. Would you be willing to take a break from this? Not necessarily a break up, but just some time off and see how it is. Go out with your friends and have some fun. My prediction is that the longer you stay in this situation, the bigger the grudge will be and the more likely it is you will end up where I did.

 

With some time off, you could also decide what you really want out of a relationship. Be "selfish" and list all the things that *you* want out of your dream relationship. Then take an honest look at what you have and decide if what you've got is going to make you happy in the long run.

[Box Diver]

Oh man. I'm sorry that this is happening, I know how you are feeling right now. Would you be willing to take a break from this? Not necessarily a break up, but just some time off and see how it is. Go out with your friends and have some fun. My prediction is that the longer you stay in this situation, the bigger the grudge will be and the more likely it is you will end up where I did.

 

With some time off, you could also decide what you really want out of a relationship. Be "selfish" and list all the things that *you* want out of your dream relationship. Then take an honest look at what you have and decide if what you've got is going to make you happy in the long run.

 

My girlfriend is the most stubborn girl ever. She doesn't give second chances. She loses friends over stupid arguments....and never talks to them again.

 

Meaning...if we breakup....there will be no 2nd round.

[Reluctant Rebuilder]

My girlfriend is the most stubborn girl ever. She doesn't give second chances. She loses friends over stupid arguments....and never talks to them again.

 

Meaning...if we breakup....there will be no 2nd round.

 

It doesn't sound like she gives you a lot of consideration when it comes to your relationship. I recommend you take an honest, long hard look at what you want. You plan on eventually marrying this woman, right? If the idea doesn't excite you, there may be a painful truth you need to face.

[whenamansloveisreal]

well, sex should not come before romance, come before initmacy, before tenderness - the greatest orgasm is holding someone in your arms and having them fall asleep. sex is not a switch you turn on and off, it comes with trust, and love, and safety, and compassion - sex is not automatic. sex is not weapon. sex is not life thou it creates life. sex is an activity - making love is endearing.

[heloladies21]

Honestly, I'm not a doormat at all. The only thing she has control over in this relationship is sex. No, I am not a control freak or anything...I'm just saying.

 

Also...this is the first girl where this has been the case. My previous relationships have always had good sex. Always.

Well I mean this is most probably your first really long term relationship so you can't really compare the short term ones before that as you didn't give it time enough to fully develop.

 

Lemme give you an example to shed some light.

 

You said about how when you bring up this issue, she'll make some ridiculous statement about getting a hooker or being with someone else, then you'll usually drop it. The issue doesn't get resolved.

 

For me, if my girl said something like that I'd say something like "Is that really the way you feel about it?" or "Do you really take this relationship that seriously?" And if she didn't have a good enough answer, she'd be out the door. I would really break up with her on the spot. Does your girl see any type of consequences for putting of what you want? Do you see that if she doesn't see any consequences that it will have consequences of their own?

 

I can tell by the way she talks to you that she doesn't respect you and this is directly related to you sticking up for yourself.

[whenamansloveisreal]

I'm not large....I'm 6 inches...so it's not as if I'm hung very well.

 

DID SHE MEASURE U AT SOME POINT? LOL

 

YOU KNOW, EVERY ERECTION BRINGS WITH IT - ITS OWN UNIQUE QUALITY - WINK

 

I DON'T THINK 'LARGE' IS AN ISSUE IN THIS CASE

AND AS FOR ORAL SEX - IT IS EXTREMELY INITMATE AND YOU BOTH HAVE TO WANT TO DESIRE THAT - NEVER DO SOMETHING SEXUALLY JUST FOR THE OTHER

[whenamansloveisreal]

maybe she is not sure of her sexuality? maybe she is trying to figure out if she bats on the same team? never know

[Momene]

What worries me is when a young person has a low sex drive. It happens in older people, especially at times of stress and illness. You can get round it by masturbating. Also who has the higher sex drive doesn't stay constant during a long relationship. You take it in turns to be the one like you and the one like your girlfriend. It just happens that way.

[CarnelianButterfly]

It could be a hormonal imbalance. You mentioned mood swings, does she take birth control or any mood altering medications? I know BC can effect my mood and anti-depressants are very hard on the sexual drive. It could be untreated depression, its very common for depressed people to have no desire for sex. Or she could have been sexually abused as a child and sex is very hard for her.

 

You need to sit down and really talk about this, don't yell, raise your voice or do anything but try to keep her calm so you can talk. Ask questions about how she feels and what may have made sex so unpleasant for her. You can keep it in control by maintaining an even tone with minimal hand gestures and always making her feel you support her. This isn't a confrontation, its an attempt to find out why she feels this way.

[Box Diver]

For me, if my girl said something like that I'd say something like "Is that really the way you feel about it?" or "Do you really take this relationship that seriously?" And if she didn't have a good enough answer, she'd be out the door. I would really break up with her on the spot. Does your girl see any type of consequences for putting of what you want? Do you see that if she doesn't see any consequences that it will have consequences of their own?

 

I can tell by the way she talks to you that she doesn't respect you and this is directly related to you sticking up for yourself.

 

The thing is....I do say "is that how you really feel about it?" She'll come back with a "of course I don't want you to sleep with someone else, but if that's what you need, then just do it."

 

It could be a hormonal imbalance. You mentioned mood swings, does she take birth control or any mood altering medications? I know BC can effect my mood and anti-depressants are very hard on the sexual drive. It could be untreated depression, its very common for depressed people to have no desire for sex. Or she could have been sexually abused as a child and sex is very hard for her.

 

You need to sit down and really talk about this, don't yell, raise your voice or do anything but try to keep her calm so you can talk. Ask questions about how she feels and what may have made sex so unpleasant for her. You can keep it in control by maintaining an even tone with minimal hand gestures and always making her feel you support her. This isn't a confrontation, its an attempt to find out why she feels this way.

 

Not on birth control. Not depression.

 

Trust me....I've tried plenty of times to talk about it...it's the same old story.

 

Things are getting different now. The fact that sex has almost completely gone down the * * * *ter is making me tolerate her mood swings less. I used to figure "ok, let her be a crab * * *....I'll be getting sex at least." Now, there's no payoff.

 

She has 3 excuses for why she won't see a doctor.

1) Just because she doesn't want to (when she's in a bad mood).

2) She's embarrassed to go to the doctor who she's known her whole life

 

Is it also common for a woman of 24 years old to have NEVER seen a gynecologist? EVER? She's never had a papsmear(spelling?) either.

[SarahRose]

I would dump her.

 

I put up with a sexless marriage for years.

 

I would never do that again.

[heloladies21]

The thing is....I do say "is that how you really feel about it?" She'll come back with a "of course I don't want you to sleep with someone else, but if that's what you need, then just do it."

And if you let the conversation go at this point without saying something like "If that's how little you care then we shouldn't be in a relationship anymore", then you make a mistake.

 

Letting it go the way you do without resolution is a mistake.

[DN]

she'll say "If you need sex that bad, you're with the wrong person."

 

Sad to say but I think she is right - you are with the wrong person. If she were to recognise that her behaviour is not normal and be prepared to do something to put it right then I would advise you to stay with her until whatever her issues are were resolved. But it seems she believes she is the one who is normal and that you are the one who is unreasonable. There is nothing you can do about that.

 

I think you would save yourself months or years of frustrated unhappiness if you were to leave her now. And it would be a huge error to marry her hoping things would change - they won't.

[doyathink]

Why would someone expect their partner to see a therapist if they have a low sex drive? I mean, would you recommend this same thing if someone had a high sex drive? Whats normal for one, may not be for another.

 

Ppl with a low sex drive simply dont have the same desire for sex then some others do....nothing wrong with that. I'm sure those who have a high one dont think there is anything wrong with themselves.

 

I do agree with a comment heloladies made on the first page. Along the lines of Most Women have to feel an emotional attachment and attraction to their lover. I lost all desire for my ex and I could not have sex with him...at all. I was repulsed by even seeing him in the same bed with me. I didnt want him to touch me....I felt sick at my stomach if he tried.

 

One thing that lead me to this was....over time...our sex life was sooo boring...blah. He could get me off...that wasn't the point. His style of love making was the most boring sex I ever had. I felt like saying...Just pull my panties up when your done, I'm going to sleep! Four beats and 30 seconds later he would finish....for 10 years!

 

I'm not sure a low sex drive is alway the case, maybe its better than having bad sex....unsatisfying sex. This may not be your case, just thought I'd throw it out there as a possibility.

 

I cant get enough from my partner now. I enjoy everything about him.

 

One thing I want to add...if she dislikes oral and you keep asking her to do it you will definitely drive a wedge further between the two of you.

[RayKay]

doyathink:

 

Having a lower sex drive in itself is not a bad thing, it is true some people do have a lower one.

 

It does however mean that this poster and his partner may be very incompatible.

 

I also however believe many people also don't explore what may be causing it, often because for many years they are told "nice girls don't want sex" and really believe it is not something they can do anything about when often it is something that is due to other factors such as certain birth control, medication, hormone imbalances, and so on.

 

The reason *I* think it is about more than a low sex drive is her comments on certain things being disgusting and so forth. That tends to indicate often not just a low sex drive, but something else altogether.

 

Maybe it is emotional related - often it can be. But that still does not mean it is fair of her to just tell him to shut it and live with it and tell him it is his problem. If it IS emotional she still has to work on it with him rather than tell him to live with it, and she knows he won't leave anyway at this point.

[Northalius]

I think a person with a natural low sex drive would just say "I don't know what it is exactly, I wish I did! I just don't feel like it! I'm sorry."

 

But if the person is angry / snotty about it? I think it's her emotions (depression and/or possible sexual abuse in the past) involved. Her father being an alcoholic (physically abusive?) possibly has a bit to do with it, as well.

 

I'd just tell her straight out:

 

"Look, I think you have a problem, one way or another; you probably know what it is, but you're not telling me for some reason. Open communication and total honesty is key in a good relationship; that doesn't seem to be the case with us. I cannot be in a relationship with someone that is doing this, and not willing to see a counselor about it. I think something happened to you, or you're just depressed. I don't know. But, I'm sorry, I have to go my own way from this point on; at least for now. This'll give you room to think about what the problem really is."

 

I'd basically say something like that. But, it's up to you.