I suck at compliments ...

[cc2006]

I don't know where this should go, or if anyone will respond, but I have a couple questions and stuff. (Please feel free to move this if you can think of somewhere better it'd fit, Mods.)

 

 

I suck at giving compliments. Actually, I suck at receiving them too. It actually caused a large rift in my relationship that recently ended, and is a good part of the collapse I believe.

 

Backstory: My family doesn't compliment. I didn't have a childhood filled with "you're so cute"s or "good job"s or whatever. Heck even "nice sweater" wasn't really mumbled. The compliments my family give, if any, are always backhanded.

 

For instance: "I like your new haircut. It looked like crap before." "Good idea ... wish you were this smart more often." The dreaded cliche' of "You were such a good looking kid .. what happened to you?"

 

I'm sure this didn't help my self-esteem any, and is probably a good portion of why I grew up disliking myself and always thinking poorly of my appearance and such. I still think poorly about myself and my appearance despite people telling me the total opposite of how I feel.

 

I just never learned to accept compliments, or give them to people. I recently, like within the last year, began being able to get a compliment and not apologize. Yeah, I used to apologize ... and I have NO clue why. "You have very beautiful eyes" (I do, that I can accept would be responded to with "I'm sorry." Wow ... weird huh? ... well, I stopped doing that. I can actually say "Thank you" now.

 

It really doesn't bother me that my family and I don't "do" compliments, but it tore my relationship apart. My ex started this whole tirade about how if I didn't compliment her that meant she was ugly or fat or stupid. She turned my lack of compliment-giving into a personal attack. She felt she wasn't deserving of them simply because I don't do them. She suffered depression that she herself was inflicting upon herself because I never thought to say 'cute skirt' or whatever. I made her insecurities worse, allegedly.

 

She accused me of 'refusing' to give them. She accused me of 'holding them back to punish her'. Neither were true ... I just don't THINK them. To me, compliments seemed like a language I never learned ... like French. I don't THINK in French, and I don't THINK in compliment.

 

If she'd ask me a direct question I could answer it. It would trigger me to think, and I'd be able to supply an answer. "Do you like this shirt?" - "Yes, very much, it looks good on you." Spontaneous compliments? Can't do it.

 

 

Anyway ... anyone else have a problem with compliments? Giving/receiving?

 

Anyone understand what I mean in my post? I mean .. do I sound really weird, or flawed, or not worth having a relationship with because of it?

 

Is it something I should work on? I mean, it doesn't really bother me ... and I figured it wasn't THAT big of a deal ... but it crushed my ex terribly. She'd make such a deal about it that I felt like she had issues and needed help of her own. "You don't say I'm pretty ... so I must be ugly" and crying yourself to sleep just sounds ... unhealthy.

 

I dunno' ... weird huh?

[robowarrior]

What you should do is the following, inform people who give you compliments, actually i think that that's why you said your sorry. But that's only half way there, you should have said sorry, but im not used to taking compliments as my family never learned me to give or accept them.

 

That way the other person is 'informed', so instead of getting angry at you as your ex did, they can put in a valid exuse as to that was how you where brought up, i actually have the same problem but then with soccer.

 

Everyone here is nuts about soccer, they all talk eat and breathe soccer, but my grandfather wasn't a fan of soccer, and he never brought it to his son, and my father in his turn never created any sorts of interest in soccer for me. So when people start to talk to me , hey have you seen this match of arsenal versus psv , im like sorry but ,i've never had to do anything with soccer all my life, because of disinterest that came from it since my granfather. They understand and leave me alone, lol. So i think its not something you 'per se' have to work on, exept if you want to, because as you said its a 'livable' situation if your not used to anything else. So if you just inform people like i did , it should be alright.

[Weeblie]

Well did you ever let your ex know you appreciated her? If not by words, but by actions? There's always the possibility that she could've been really insecure and needed a lot of attention and praise. But if she never felt that you were really interested in her...then I could see why she would be bothered by it.

 

Maybe you should work on the compliments thing. It wouldn't hurt you to try.

 

And taking them is easy. Smile, say thank you, and move on.

[blueangel]

I doubt the real problem here is your lack of ability to give compliments. Compliments and smiles are tough to push out of oneself so when we cross paths with someone able, it is refreshing to receive from them. But not all can do it themselves. It doesn't take a skill. It takes noticing people, little things about them and pointing it out with your words.

 

The problem is that you're pressuring yourself to be more charming and better than you think you are. Your girlfriend obviously had insecurities. I dont fish or ask for compliments from people and I'm probably younger than your girlfriend. thereforeeee, she was immature and needed help. Compliments are not something to demand or even expect. They are given from a feeling of a good will towards other human life- like I said, when you notice things about someone... and like that about that person.

 

Self-consciousness stems from being too aware of ourselves and not directing our focus enough on other things. If you were totally into some girl and everything about her- including the way she looks- (rather than living a lot in your thoughts, live in the moment and lose yourself in it)- you'd be more open with compliments because you'd be noticing more.

 

I don't think you have a problem. You're just making this a problem. there's no need to. I think people can survive without compliments all the time (and even you have)! It's intimacy and acceptance that we all really strive for (compliments dont create that, only partially express them. Actions, in my opinion, speak louder than words. If you treated your girlfriend good, then she has no reason to be picking fights with you. You deserve better- trust me)

[Lilu]

Hiya cc2006!

 

I also have difficulty saying ''thanks'' when I receive a compliment. I usually end up saying...''I'm not!''. I guess because it feels at times that I am being told that just to make me either feel better or I don't know. My boyfriend tells me I'm beautiful all the time, and just recently I have been able to look straight in his eyes, and thank him for that. He is the one who has made me feel more confortable appreciating out loud other people's nice comments.

 

Also, I believe that if you're being sincere about not being able to compliment anyone about anything, because its not your nature, it should be understandable, but at the same time, you gotta remember that humans, most humans, well girls, not all but some, need to be told how pretty, cute, glowy she looks, or how nice she smells, or how helpful she's been, etc. Compliment is essential to a relationship, actually any kind of relationship. And yes, it seems hard for you to just blur it out, because you were never surrounded by nice words. But everyone is capable of at least trying their hardest to say one nice thing about the other.

 

Don't think you are in any way or form, a terrible person, but make sure you at least try to do this....for a future relationship, and maybe you can start by complimenting yourself.

 

Good luck,

Lilu

[cc2006]

Thanks all

 

Robowarrior LOL ... I hear you on the soccer thing. I grew up without having an interest in sports or people around me who cared about them. So, all these years later, I could care less about "the big game" going on at the time. I've educated myself over the years by listening and actually watching a few games with friends to know what is going on and the basic rulesets of most sports .. but in a crowd of rabid fans I'm the guy taking his beer to the jukebox and staying out of the way.

 

 

Weeblie Yeah. My ex and I actually got into an argument the other night over this. I think it got so emotional that we may have both just consciously figured on a NC after we hung up without even saying it.

 

I'm not super-romantic guy, or compliment-giving guy. Just .. isn't me. I am however, loving-cuddle-on-the-sofa guy ... or kiss-on-the-forehead guy ... or buy flowers and leave them right inside her apartment door so when she comes how she finds them guy. I'm that guy that will cancel his plans to take care of her when shes sick and hold back her hair when shes throwing up (even though it grosses me out really bad lol). I have my ways of expressing my love and devotion for someone. "Wow, you look really stunning today" isn't one of them. *Shrugs*

 

blueangel Well, according to your age there .. yeah .. you're definetly younger than my ex. She WAS immature though - more so than you sound through what you say at your age. She was very "me me me" most times. We almost all go through that phase ... just sooner or later you realize it doesn't work. She may never realize that. With her insecurities and self-esteem issues I felt like I was supposed to be a battery to recharge her when she was low. It got tiring ... especially if I did all these sweet and nice things for her and they weren't enough because she still needed verbal shoves into the 'happy zone'. I know her issues made things hard.

 

I guess I just asked all this in my initial post because I was wondering if I was 'broken' or flawed in not being able to communicate (or even THINK) compliments .. and was afraid I'd get a backlash of women in here telling me someone with that problem is undateable. I was set to receive criticism ... nice to see I didn't really get any harsh words. I'm a self-blamer ... I absorb blame for pretty much anything that goes wrong like a sponge.

 

I always felt my ex was being a little (alright, a LOT at times) overcritical of me, overly needy, and way too unrealistic about what a relationship is ... but part of me always wondered if she was right and I was to blame for being the way I am.

 

I had said to her the other night ... "All I ever wanted was to be accepted for whom I am ... flaws and all. That means my lack of ability to give compliments too." Her response? "Well you have to accept me for who I am ... and thats someone who needs compliments."

 

 

angryanimator Wow ... weirdly enough I'm not diagnosed Bi-polar or Manic-Depressive but I've had moments in my head just like you described. Its funny, sometimes, what can go on in our own heads to warp the things we hear into something totally different. Pour reality into our heads and strain it through our synapses and sometimes it gets shuffled around and we think people are meaning more than they've said.

 

I used to worry if my ex bordered on Manic-Depressive sometimes, or at least shared some symptoms. I have to admit I don't know a whole lot about it, except for having an aunt that suffers from it and limited contact with her through the years. I always told my ex she had two settings and they were always extreme. She'd either be SO into me that she'd throw herself (literally a couple times) at me and smother the heck out of me ... or she'd shut off and completely act like I hardly existed. I'm a middle-of-the-road person. I fluctuate too, we all do, but 90% of the time I'm a calm middle. Dealing with her swinging moods was tough.

 

As for "throwing caution to the wind" ... I can try it ... but its tough. I feel like my brain's mechanics aren't wired for compliments. Sometimes it think I'd have better luck figuring out how to get color out of an old black and white TV than reprogramming myself to be able to say "I love your hair like that." LOL

 

 

Lilu LOL ... sometimes I slip up and blurt out "oh you're just saying that" (which actually makes me sound coy or something) or, like you, "No I'm not" and then I back away.

 

I'm glad your boyfriend was able to get through to you, thats kewl.

 

Yeah .. I was afraid of the "girls/women require compliments" responses. Maybe I'll do better in the future if I find someone who doesn't seem to expect/demand them often and cry about not getting them. It is really hard for me to struggle to figure out how to do something with that much pressure on me, ya' know? Maybe I need someone more secure in themself.

 

Between feeling expected to give compliments, the fact that its hard to compliment because of my background, and the fact that her attitude about herself was so dismal sometimes ... I just had a tough combo to overcome before.

 

I've complimented her before ... a few times. I know I'm capable at least on a poorly slapped together and rudimentary level. I've said "I like when you wear that ______ you have on" or "I really love when you smile" (although it was followed by ".. I wish you smiled more often") ... so I dunno'.

 

Complimenting myself seems REALLY hard. Most days I can scrounge together a "I'm a good guy" to make myself feel better when I get down about the breakup.

 

 

Again .. thanks all. I'm really enjoying eNA so far ... seems like most people have a pretty solid grasp on 'healthy' ideas and friendly attitudes. Hard things to find on the internet.

[blueangel]

From what you've desribed about yourself, I think you are a great person. I don't think your lack of compliment giving is a problem you have. You need to be comfortable and farther in a relationship with someone to start. That's okay. You do a lot of great things and I love cuddle on couch and kiss on forehead guys much more than phony charmers who go, "Ah, you have beautiful eyes!" I think you are down to earth because you are able to joke about yourself. You are humble and can't really relate to those who aren't humble (but rather arrogant). That's not a bad thing. YOU don't need compliments so you also dont feel the need to give them. Until you are truly commited at least. That's what I think.

[whenamansloveisreal]

whenever i praised my ex she took it as me placing her above everything and it became something that was a negative.

 

for some reason i could give non verbal comps but verbal ones she digested in a weird way. looking back now, i think that everything that she might be working through regarding our relationship she sees only thru the snapshot of nc - and i hope she opens herself to just releasing those images because if she is dating now or in the future - she will be going into a relationship without the right balance - if she is not careful and doesn't get rid of that stuff the next guy will be someone that really rips her up. my ex has taken that nc snapshot and let it colour everything - like i give a flower, she spits on me - that's not healthy. i worry about her and miss her.

[cc2006]

From what you've desribed about yourself, I think you are a great person. I don't think your lack of compliment giving is a problem you have. You need to be comfortable and farther in a relationship with someone to start. That's okay. You do a lot of great things and I love cuddle on couch and kiss on forehead guys much more than phony charmers who go, "Ah, you have beautiful eyes!" I think you are down to earth because you are able to joke about yourself. You are humble and can't really relate to those who aren't humble (but rather arrogant). That's not a bad thing. YOU don't need compliments so you also dont feel the need to give them. Until you are truly commited at least. That's what I think.

 

Thanks, Blueangel. You're right and I sould accept it, I'm a good guy. Just can be hard if you feel like someone is dragging you down often. Feeling like I was loving someone that doesn't have a limit to their needs drained me.

 

Weird you made the comment about being "comfortable and farther in a relationship" - we had been together for over a year, and part of why she decided to leave was because she didn't see us moving ahead well/fast enough I guess. Thing is, I was holding back because of the problems we were having. I tried to explain to her ... why would I plan out getting a place together or even steps further than that into the future if the present doesn't feel comfortable.

 

Now we don't even talk anymore. That last argument did us in.

 

I'm glad I choked down the fear about being ridiculed or finding out I'm a mess of broken parts and posted this topic, it has made me feel better. Thank you.

[blueangel]

You weren't emotionally as far as she was ready to be. One day, when you're comfortable enough with someone and feel they are truly right, all sorts of doors will open in your heart: ones that can lead you to compliment or notice great things about them regularly, because they are right. If she wasn't right for you or not on the same page as you, feeling unable to give compliments is understandable. Just don't get down on yourself about it. It's crucial to have a positive view on yourself if you want to attract positive things in your life. And you're doing fine, I think , from the way you write and your tone of openness. You write clearly and are not at all scattered in your thoughts it seems. You seem like you might be pretty serious in real life, but there are probably sides of you most people don't see that takes love to release. That just makes you more special to get to know. So say it again! "I am a good person!" lol

 

There are people in the world who would insult a girl before saying a compliment ever. There are people who hit, who get jealous, possesive and controling and who abuse. There are people who only want sex. There are people who only use others, like my dad's employee, Lee, once said about the lady he was living with, "Yeah, she's only pretty when I'm drunk. I just like the money she gives me- it's been helping me real good." (He said that in front of me when I was a little kid. I never forgot it.)

 

In conclusion!- the way you are is fine and dandy compared to all that. There are deeper ways to communicate love than compliment giving. These are the most important and from what I've read, you seem able. ^_^

[_Jaffa_]

I finally found other people that apologise for getting a compliment. I've been doing it since I was a kid. And the whole turning it round in your head so it's not a compliment. Yeah, I do that too. I don't even know why I do it. Getting a compliment just doesn't sound right so I have to change it to something that actually applies to me.

 

Anyway, nothing I've said so far is actually advice or even helpful so, yeah, sorry. I think what other people have said is more helpful to you. Read their replies...ignore mine.

[mitch17]

work out to build confidence and when ur buff, post ur picture on the net and before u know it, u get heaps of compliments

[blindfold]

i have a serious problem with that too... i can say to my bf quite often that he is handsome or that he looks good, but compliments like "you're so intelligent" or "that's a good idea" or "well done" are rarely in my vocabulary... i don't know why, but my parents were the opposite of each other in that department - my mum would constantly compliment me, and my father would always say "you could've done better than that", even if i had a 20/20 score, or wtv... anyway, i guess i suffer from the same problem as you, but not as severe...