A question about Christmas

[HFR]

It's now been 3 weeks since my gf of 5 years finished with me, her reason being the relationship had reached it's conclusion and there was no longer a future for us. She felt that that I couldn't open up to her and as a result no longer felt any bond between us. We both loved each other very much and there were never any arguments/fights etc and I always did whatever I could to treat her like she was the only person that mattered to me. Everything was pretty good until over the course of a few weeks she wanted me around less and became resentful of my presense. Eventually she told me she wasn't sure she wanted to carry on anymore - I was shocked. She always told me she loved me and wanted us to grow old together. Splitting up was hard on both of us and I know it wasn't a choice she made lightly but she felt like it was the only way. Personally I felt we could have made it work but her mind was made up. Like everyone on this forum, these first few weeks have been unbearable. I kept in touch a couple of times over the first couple of weeks by email but have refrained since as haven't wanted to keep badgering her and also to give myself some time to come to terms with things

 

My question is this. As christmas is approaching I would like to see her again and was thinking of getting in touch to ask her for a coffee? Now I understand the principles of NC but as communication was part of the problem in the first place, wouldn't LC be better? I do want her back in my life and want so much to make our relationship work and feel that this could be my last chance

[ironpumper]

My question is this. As christmas is approaching I would like to see her again and was thinking of getting in touch to ask her for a coffee? Now I understand the principles of NC but as communication was part of the problem in the first place, wouldn't LC be better? I do want her back in my life and want so much to make our relationship work and feel that this could be my last chance

 

I'm wondering the same thing. There's a LOT of great advice and support here and NC seems to be the dominant theme. I understand the basics of NC, but I STILL think LC is useful in certain situations like mine. NC is supposed to help the dumpee recover some sense of self and respect lost. To help 'heal' and I suppose it works, but I know I'm a mess, and miserable, but sticking to it because I've never tried it before, and if you don't TRY, how do you know whether it works or not???

[m_darko]

I would give it a shot. Some gals out there think that "If he really loved me he wouldnt have given up."

Ask her and see what she thinks about a lunch or coffee. Be prepared for anything though.

If you ever find yourself overanalyzing your actions or hers then take a step back. Give it more time until she contacts you. She split, not you. Patience...it will help, no matter the outcome of your dilemma.

[m_darko]

If that shot does not abide well...then your on your own. NC shouldnt be instituted as a tool to fish a former lover back into your net. It should be used for healing and to get yourself back.

I say this to everyone and its the one thing I will always stand by...Time heals.

Not everything, but in your case it will.

[SuperDave71]

HFR

 

 

I say do nothing...PERIOD. Three weeks is NOTHING. 21 days is not NEARLY enough time.

 

I caution you......You try something too early, it could be the very thing that pushes her away.

 

 

I would say stay STRICT NC. NO card...NO call...NO nothing.

 

 

Stick to your guns!

 

 

I hate to say it, but those who ask these types of question will rarely hear what they wanna hear. If 1000 posts say do nothing....and one says GO FOR IT.....

 

What do you think you will do? It's almost like you are looking for validation to go against reasoning.

 

 

Be careful ok?

 

 

I wish you well!!!

 

 

Your Friend,

 

 

SuperDave71

[dnozzle]

HFR

 

 

I say do nothing...PERIOD. Three weeks is NOTHING. 21 days is not NEARLY enough time.

 

 

 

How long is enough time?

[arrrrffff]

dave, is correct. I know it's been eternity for you, but for her, the dumper, it will only push her away because she already made her decision. Give her what she wants... strict NC.

 

If she really loves you, then she will have to live with that decision. That also means, she will also have to live through Christmas without you.

 

Stop pestering yourself with self-pity because it is in the past now.

 

dnozzle, enough time = when she clearly wants to get back and she contacts you to tell you this OR you bump into each other in the future and it becomes a 'first' date.

[SuperDave71]

dnozzle,

 

 

When you don't think about your ex for a whole week (WHATSOEVER) ...

 

 

What I mean is....when you forget about them.

 

 

 

That is pretty much the way I gauge it.

 

 

 

and I wish I were kidding...

 

 

 

 

Take Care,

 

SuperDave71

[SuperDave71]

You must remember....there is NOT MAGIC formula..

 

You never know....in your period of NC...

 

It is possible that they contact you!....Happens ALLLLLLLLL THE TIME!!!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Your Friend,

 

SuperDave71

[downbroken]

I say don't do it. Don't try the LC thing. It is hard to deal with. Especially if you are not healed. I know we all say that we can handle it, but most of the time we can't. I agree with superdave. Give it plenty more time.

[SuperDave71]

Thank you Down&Broken..

 

 

I appreciate that.

 

 

 

Your Friend,

 

SuperDave71

[maladjusted]

i am in the same boat. i am so confused as to what to do. a part of me is trying to stay strong with the NC while another part is telling me that giving the ex a xmas card wouldn't be so bad. i guess what confuses me is that she wanted her space but still wanted LC and i couldn't take it so i broke it off and she responds saying i can contact her if i want and if or when i feel like it.. what to do? ugggghh

 

so in my case who technically broke it off me or her?

[doyathink]

I would try ....give it one last shot. What do you really have to lose? If you love her and want her back, then try to set this up. If she says no, then you know for sure it's over and there is nothing left that you can do.

 

She may be hanging out there wishing you would call and initiate a date. She may be waiting for you to make the first move, you dont know unless you do it.

 

I hate it when ppl say just give up...dont do it. For them, that may have been the case but this isn't always the case. If it were not for a wonderful moderator here...I wouldnt have made any calls either as most ppl told me not to call or answer the phone if he called...guess what......I answered and we are back together!

[HFR]

Thanks for your input everyone (and special thanks to you SuperDave - have read a lot of your words recently and it's good to hear your thoughts).

 

I understand the reason for NC but my concern was kind of addressed by m darko. She's the kind of girl who likes her men to be men and I'm thinking she may be waiting for me to stand up and fight for her. Simply sitting back and doing nothing may reinforce (in her mind) the idea that I can't stand up for what I want.

[SuperDave71]

doyathink,

 

With all due respect, I think all situations need time to heal. We all know this. I would hate for someone to try when they are not mentally up for the challenge. When a need (their ex) becomes to much..the needy will do almost anything to get it. I associate this with a drug addict. Though a crackhead may knw the very thing they are doing is BAD FOR THEM (to say the least) they STILL DO IT BASED ON ADDICTION.

 

When a need, with time and effort, dwindles to a want...the person becomes more capable of making rational decisions based on reason ...NOT addiction. (Need)

 

 

The time can ONLY DO GOOD between BOTH parties....I believe that TRUE love is like a bicycle....You may forget HOW to ride in time...but once you get back on....It comes naturally.

 

Please do NOT take this the wring way, I most certainly admire your courage and "go get'em attitude". Many will....

 

I tend to test the water before i jump in...

 

On a different note:

 

I congratulate you on your reconcilliation!!

 

We are all very pleased to hear your sucess story..I wish you both the best

 

 

Your Friend,

 

SuperDave71

[HFR]

SuperDave,

 

if you can admire a go get 'em attitude, do you think that maybe she could too?

[SuperDave71]

HFR,

 

You know her my friend, I don't ...

 

Again, you have the knowledge to make your own decisions...evaluate what has happened...

 

Have you learned from it? Has she? What would you do differently?

 

Why did you break up in the first place? How long has it been? How do you feel now? Are you basing your decisions on need or want? If she doesn't reciprocate, how will you feel? Can you handle it?

 

THESE questions my friend should help you make up your own mind.

 

I wish you well,

 

 

 

SuperDave71

[HFR]

Thanks Dave,

 

I certainly feel like I've learned about us and myself. As for her I can't say as have had very little contact. Admittedly if I would do anything differently I would have started NC instantly. However, I do believe that a time comes when one of us has to make first contact. The holidays seem like a good time to have a reason to get in touch (season of goodwill)

[heloladies21]

If you are healed to the point where you can deal with the situation rationally and not be a slave to your own emotions (I can't tell if you are or not-you know this when you don't make up hope, can accept her answer of not wanting to be with you as final), then feel free to get a final answer.

 

LC is a terrible idea as it just leads to false hope and leading yourself on. Best to get a final answer and if it's anything other than an outright yes, best to move on as there's no reason to believe that she is going to change her mind no matter what you do.

 

Don't even wait for the holidays, call her up right now. Get your answer one way or another so you can move on in one direction or the other.

[doyathink]

Dave, I admire you ....and your posts. You are very wise and have learned so much...I dont take offense to anything you post about...

 

What I'm saying HFR, is that every situation is different and you wont know unless you try...then, after you get your answer from her....you will know what your next will be.

[SuperDave71]

Thank you doyathink....

 

 

 

 

Your Friend,

 

 

SuperDave71

[doyathink]

aw...hugs back at ya...