6 years and going nowhere

[kaligrl22]

Okay so we talked today in person. He said that he felt bad about the cheating but felt worse that I would NEVER have sex with him. I'll have to admit I never would and any time we did he had to beg and I was totally not into it.

 

Don't get me wrong what he did was f'd up. I don't want to be with him but I just wanted to hear why things ended up the way they did. The affair went on for a month, and honestly in the last month we fought constantly. So time to move on. I just wish guys weren't so INTO sex. Yes it's great but its not everything. Also he said that my lack of sex drive is the only reason why he wouldn't marry me. Oh well better luck with the next guy.

[DN]

This may not have been the relationship or the guy for you - but you may find it wise to do something about your lack of interest in sex because it will almost certainly poison any future relationship.

 

BTW - it's not just guys who are into sex.

[kaligrl22]

DN--

 

I love sex, just not with him. I did in the beginning and up until awhile ago. I just lost interest. Trust me I still had sexual urges I just took care of them myself.

 

I can't even believe I'm starting to blame myself for his affair. But honestly I am at this point. He swears that the only reason why he strayed is because of the lack of sex, or actually because there was no sex.

 

What do you guys think?

[DN]

Cheating is never excusable. But sometimes there is a reason for it that comes from a problem within the relationship. So you should not 'blame' yourself for that will not serve you. However, that does not mean you cannot look to see if there is anything that you could have done or did not do that contributed to the relationship failing so that you do not repeat any mistakes you may have made in the future.

[kaligrl22]

It's a two sided problem. He wanted sex and I wanted to be in love again and have the romance back. He wasn't willing to do that and I wasn't willing to enjoy or want the sex for that matter.

 

Now of course he's begging me back. This just really sucks, because I do love him. But I don't think I could or should ever forgive him. I would of had more respect for him if he broke off the relationship prior to the affair and got it out of his system. He's now claiming that he thought that he wanted to be with other people but has realized that he only wants me.

 

He just needs me to want to have sex with him. He says that's the ONLY reason he strayed and also the fact that I was always miserable. I dunno what to do. Part of me is like screw him, but the other half (the sucka half) is actually considering working things out. I just wish relationships didn't have to be so complicated.

[Hope75]

Cheating is never excusable. But sometimes there is a reason for it that comes from a problem within the relationship. So you should not 'blame' yourself for that will not serve you. However, that does not mean you cannot look to see if there is anything that you could have done or did not do that contributed to the relationship failing so that you do not repeat any mistakes you may have made in the future.

 

I would agree 100% with what DN said. There is definitely a different way that your ex should have handled this, but almost always, cheating is a sign that someone's needs are not being met in the relationship, and it does not hurt to figure what led to that feeling and see if there is something that you could change in the future to help that from occurring again.

[kaligrl22]

I know what the problems were in the relationship. He didn't fufill my emotional needs and I didn't fufill his sexual needs. Here's the dilemma. He has agreed to give me what I need in return for his. I know he was sincere when he said it. My problem is, do I let someone who did this to me get off that easy or should I just move on and not look back?

 

I love him so much but I don't know if I can ever forget what happened. The whole situation is screwed up. I'm very upset at what he did but I can understand why he did it. It would be one thing if everything was peachy keen and he did it but things have been absolutly miserable between us for the last few months.

 

I myself thought of straying but I just couldn't do it. I thought of leaving too but couldn't do that either. So do I salvage this relationship and make it work? I just know that part of the blame is on me. I wasn't the perfect girlfriend. Now looking back I can see why he did it. The last few months I've been very stressed at work.

 

I would come home miserable and take it out on everyone always snapping. With him I was wishy washy, fine one moment pissed off at him another. He would always try with the sexual advances and I would not so nicely ward him off. Or if we did have sex I totally wasn't into it, and would basically ask "you done yet"

 

I just don't know what to do.

[DN]

Decide if you would be happier with him or without him. But realise also that all relationships have problems and if you truly love each other a determined effort to resolve those problems can often repair the relationship.

[kaligrl22]

I've thought long and hard about the whole thing. I can't forgive and forget. Regardless of what happened that lead of to the affair it wasn't right of him to do what he did. As much as I love him, I can't be with him again. It's not going to be a easy road to walk down but I have to do it.

 

If I stay, everything that happened will always be on my mind. I'd rather be alone and one day find somone new to start fresh with. I think there is only so much one person can tolerate.

[Hope75]

It sounds as though you know yourself well enough to know that if you did get back with him, that you would always question the affair and your ability to trust him, and that is hard to admiit but very insightful.

 

It's a shame that it had to work out as it did, but it also seems as though you learned something valuable from these mistakes that you can take to your next relationship- and that is something that is positive that came out of the situation.

[Celadon]

I think you're making the right decision. Not because it's impossible to get over an affair (although personally I'd have a very very hard time trusting after that). But more because everyone will swear to do better after a break up -- but I don't know if they actually follow through. I'm skeptical about whether people are capable of sustaining the change that they say they're going to make. Maybe for a month or two? Having an affair isn't a casual thing by any means. It's symptomatic of the deceit one person is willing to engage in, to get what they want. I'd rather have a partner who is willing to work with me to fix our relationship, not abandon me to get what he wants.

 

Anyway. Time for your fresh start. Good luck to you!

[kaligrl22]

So here's an update. I broke down and talked to him. Actually I talked to him in person and ended up sleeping with him. He said all the usual "I didn't mean to hurt you, " I thought that was what I wanted but it wasn't, I only want you" " I want to marry you, I love you more than anything"

 

Stupid me I ate it up. But at the same time I had doubts. Even though he was saying what I wanted to here, the thought of what he did sickened me. So I spent the night at his house. All was okay for the moment. But we start talking about the sex issue and he has the nerve to ask me to have a threesome.

 

Like are you fricken kidding me? You just cheated on me and now you want me to bring somebody else into our bedroom. That did it for me. I was stupid to begin with for ever thinking this relationship would work out after everything that has happened. But seriously this guy is F#$%^$!!

 

I don't think he'll ever be capable of having a meanigful and loving relationship. He has the biggest ego of anyone I know. Not to make fun of him but he's fat and not that good looking. All he has going for him is that he's a cop and makes very good money.

 

So whatever, I screwed up. Not again though. I went out and bought two books. The first one is the best book EVER.. "It's called a breakup because it's broken" by Greg Behrendt and Amiira Ruotola-Behrendt. I highly recommend it for anyone going throug a breakup. The second book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" by John Gray, Ph.D.

 

I just hate what's happening. You love someone so much and they just piss it all away. I texted him right after our last visit and I said "have fun being alone, cause you'll never get anyone as good as me" he responded "trust me, I won't be alone" I HATE him.................. urghhhhh

 

Sorry had to vent. Going out tonight with my girlfriend. I need male attention and booze right now.

[Midaregami]

Oh my god, sounds like you did make the right decision after all!

 

Have fun with your girlfriends and good luck on your fresh start!

[Hope75]

Hey Kali,

 

I'm sorry that this happened.

 

Be careful tonight and don't put yourself in danger with too much booze that impairs your judgement.

 

Take care.

[kaligrl22]

Hope75-- I didn't doing anything drastic last night. What I did do was drink casually dance and have a wonderful time. Also seeing how many guys were hitting on me was a HUGE ego boost.

 

Met a hottie who used to play for the San Diego Chargers.. Life is good, for now... I'm sure the pain of the breakup will keep checking up on me...

[kaligrl22]

Another update. So Christmas morning, I'm lying in my bed minding my own business when who should walk through the door. You guessed it the boyfriend (still had keys to my place). He is sobbing and starts confessing is love for me. I hear it all. I want to marry you (will you marry me), I can't live without you.

 

So being in the Christmas spirit and all, I listen. We talk for some time and I let him know that I can't forgive what he's done. We talk some more and come to find out he had been with the "crazy girl" again on Friday and Saturday. At that point I threw him out of the house. Like seriously, you love me soo much right, but you sleep with the same girl AGAIN because you can't be alone. Then you have the nerve to come to me and tell me that I'm the only one you want?? Hey buddy you already said that like a week ago when I caught your .

 

My question to all of you is, What the hell is wrong with this guy???

[Celadon]

Eh, sorry you had to go through that, kaligrl22.

 

You ask what's wrong with him? Oh, the usual. Regret. Fear of abandonment. Being self-absorbed or completely insecure (those two are often solidly linked). Desperate stabs at manipulating the situation.

 

Actually, he kind of worries me as he sounds completely unglued.

 

About the whole marriage proposal thing -- that happened to a friend of mine too. She and the guy broke up, he immediately turned around and promised her marriage, even though he didn't mean it. Just a ploy to keep her, so he wouldn't be lonely. Geez.

[kaligrl22]

Just to give everyone an update. After the whole love confession on Christmas. I stupidly believed him and spent time with him for the next two days. Then his mood changes and he starts acting very weird. I ask him whats wrong and he tells me that he made a mistake. So basically he didn't mean anything that he said. I already knew that in my heart of hearts but for some reason I couldn't let go.

 

Come to find out he was still talking to the "girl" he cheated on me with. Confiding in her how he tought he made a mistake. Oh well live and learn. Haven't talk to him in almost 5 days. He sent me a text message last night 20 mins before midnight "Just wanted to wish you a happy new year, you deserve so much more"

 

YOUR RIGHT I DO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Did I mention I met a really cute guy and we're going out for dinner tonight.. wohoooo 2007 is going to be my year.

[RayKay]

Kali,

 

I am glad you are keeping your strength and seeing through his lies.

 

What is wrong with him is he wants to have your cake, and the other girls too. And he does not "see" why you should not bow to his desires...sigh.

 

What a jerk. You are right, 2007 will be your year. So will the next and the next and the next. Every year is yours. But keep your ex out of them. He is showing how immature and unprepared he really is to give you what you deserve in a relationship.

[kaligrl22]

**UPDATE**

 

Okay so it's been long over due, but here's my year and a half update.

 

Got rid of loser. I spent 6 months in London and had a complete blast. All and all life is pretty good. Haven't gotten into the whole dating thing yet but I've dabbled. I really needed a major break after my ex ripped my heart out of my chest. All the lies I discovered after my intial post really made me re-think our entire 6 year relationship.

 

So, recently I get a surprise call from the girl I busted my ex cheating on me with in Dec 2006. She was asking me if I had been talking to him (HELL NO) blah blah. She obviously had the feeling he was cheating on her (would you think anything less of him?). I seriously wanted to laugh and hang up the phone but the sadistic part of me wanted to hear her misery.

 

She starts pouring her heart out about the last year and how horrible he's been. Okay, so maybe I really am sadistic because I'm loving it. Not only does it make me happy to know she is getting screwed over, but it also reassures me that I was not responsible for the demise of our relationship (ex and I).

 

The things she told me were frightfully familiar. The things he said and did had already been done; to me!! It was actually kinda freaky hearing these things come from her. In the end I actually felt bad for her because I know how lousy it must be to be in her shoes. My ex is a emotional/verbal abuser of the worst kind. He was always a jerk, but became increasingly worse ever since he became a cop a couple of years ago.

 

Anyways, there were a few things she shared that were over the top. Apparently he kept asking her to bleach her hair platinum (she's a redhead). He also took her to the same spots we used to vacation in NH and also recently took her to the same resort in the Dominican Republic we vactioned in a couple years back. There is also the clothes of mine that I had left at his house when we broke up that he gave to her (said he bought them for her).

 

Is it me or does this sound pretty scary to you? Was my ex trying to make her into me? Why would he do that?

 

Now let me point out that he had blamed our lack of sex as the reason he cheated on me in the first place. I kept telling him I didn't want to have sex with him because of how he treated me (talk down to me, name calling, the list goes on and on). Guess what little miss new gf had to say? The exact same thing! Her exact statement "There's a problem if you can't tell someone they are being too mean but you know you still have to f' them or he'll be even meaner."

 

I went through that emotional dilemma for our entire relationship. He was the type of guy that would belittle you one minute and in the next his hand would be reaching for your pants. I read somewhere that this is a type of rape. Even though it's not physically forced, it's emotionally scarring to have sex with them out of fear they will treat you worse.

 

Please note that they are so many details I'm leaving out as it would take forever to recount 6 years and also I honestly don't want to remember most of them. Bottom line, my ex is a complete loser. I really feel bad for his next victim. The guy needs serious counseling and heavy medication.

 

Sorry for the long post, just had to vent.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

Congratulations on getting free from him! Also just proves the point that people's character doesn't change. He is who he is and is up to the same old tricks.

 

Gotta feel sorry for her though... Everyone believes that their love is special and that someone will change for them or for the better, but they rarely do, or at least not major changes like going from being a callous brute to being a nice guy.

[kaligrl22]

Thanks for the reply bestrongbehappy. He really hasn't changed which actually makes me feel good. I went through periods of thinking I somehow was to blame for the collapse of our relationship. Now I realize that he was the problem. I wasn't perfect but I was a decent person that gave my all to make it work.

 

I do feel sorry for her as well as him. He will never be truly happy until he realizes he is the problem. I've learned a lot from this relationship and I know that I deserve only the best.

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

He's a pig, over thirty now, and nowhere close to having the social skills necessary to maintain a healthy relationship. FAIL. haha

 

But like my Women's Studies professor always said about her ex-husband; Thank God for that ***hole! If you never dealt with him, you might fall for someone like him again. You're lucky, because unlike the other woman, you learned and have become even stronger as a result. She's a total mess.