help!! lost all positivity...

[jessicake]

2 weeks since break up with 3 yr relationship...

 

i just heard from a friend that everything that happened since the breakup has confirmed his making the right choice of our break up...

 

i feel so lost about that!! i dont know what to think...

 

so what happened was

 

" was with my ex for about 2.5, 3 years. We met at the first year of university and at first I was not completely over my ex ex. But as time grew, I loved my ex more and more. We are both 22.

 

Two weeks ago, we broke up because he was unsure whether I am the girl he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. He is also unsure whether we are compatible enough to be life partners. I was his first proper girlfriend. He says hes been thinking for a few months now and he doesn't want me to waste my time with someone cannot commit for life. He says that he loves me and cares about me a lot and he wants to stay friends and support each other throughout our lives. It was a extremely amiable break up (for now anyway!)

 

At first i was shattered but then I understood what he meant. We are both young and we have a lot to look forward to in our lives. He is a beautiful person inside and out, and is extremely successful for his age, and I am ok. When he first broke it off I felt that I was not good enough. And then I realised that in relationships, its not about who is better than whom. Its about whether two people can make it work. In our case, we couldnt.

 

A part of me feels extremely relieved that I am able to move on with my life and meet new people and try new things. The other part of me miss him so bad and want us back together. The first night of our break up, he called and said it was too rushed, but I pushed him away and told him that I respect his decision and it will ultimately be for the best. I was very proud of that. Throughout these two weeks I have not made a move to contact him because I need to realise that he is no longer a significant part of my life.

 

I have been meeting up with friends and meeting new guys, exercising and spending time on myself. I have not cried since day 2 of break up. I have probably the most prettiest and confident I have felt for a while... But i know its forced. I have not contacted him, but have been polite and happy when he contacts me. I am afraid of myself feeling empty and full of longing.. I dont want to talk to him for a while.

 

How do I make myself believe that we will never be again? I do not want any hope. I know this breakup is for the best for both of us because by him breaking up with me, it gives me opporunities to meet the one who will never break up with me. My brain says yay and my heart is not co-operating. " (from another thread)

 

but like i said, i just heard from my friend that he said he is really firm with his decision... and was really happy that he made it (not happy but like, it was the right decision)

 

and my composure just went down the drain.... my heart was just telling me that this is not what i want!!!!

 

i just rang another mutual friend and talked to him about it and decide that i shouldn't fake it until i make it anymore.....

[jessicake]

so i rang my ex and we talked.

 

what happened was i had been avoiding my ex because i wanted nc (or at least lc) to heal myself....

 

when he rings i would just be civil and non emotional and when i saw him at the friends party, i acted all happy and just small chatted with him.

 

i thought i was being strong! and i was... even though i was all broken up inside...

 

anyways... so we talked about what we have been doing these two weeks and i told him the reason i have been avoiding him is because i didnt want to risk being upset if i talked to him. i was fine until i saw him last night and had to pretend to be all smiles and laughs.

 

he said that he thought things were really distant between us and he understood it will be hard for both of us even though he knows that breaking up was the right decision and he stands by it.

 

i on the other hand, feel much better now that i am not going to put on a front... that way, i feel that i am being true to myself and also this way, i won't be thinking that this break up is a huge deal! it was a good 3 year relationship. it was not an extraordinary mind blowing kind but it was beautiful and we both grew immensely because of it. This break up will lead us to people better suited to us hopefully!

 

i don't feel so lost anymore after talking to him because i do think that ultimately, it was the right choice to break up... but i guess it just hurts to hear the ex say it.

 

do u think that nc is necessary? i feel that because i have been putting on a front, i am not allowing myself to be true to myself but at the same time... everyone believes nc is the best...

 

2 weeks is not very long for me to think clearly. however, i think i will maintain a limited contact so that i make sure i realise he is no longer in my life...

 

i am still quite confused about what i am feeling.. i'm sorry for the rambling... but any feedback would be great.. i think my head is not very clear at the moment and would love to hear what you have to say.

[mariemarie10]

Personally i think your being very mature about this..as you dont want to hurt and fall down. I think maybe its better if you and him didnt contact for a while.. so its time for you to actauly move on.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

emotions can be quite a tricky thing, and sometimes your logic can get twisted trying to satisfy an emotional craving...

 

you say this: "however, i think i will maintain a limited contact so that i make sure i realise he is no longer in my life..."

 

that is really a very UNLOGICAL thing to do, but your emotions have tricked you into finding an excuse to keep seeing him because you are like an addict who wants a fix...

 

why do you need to SEE him to know his is no longer in your life? you know that every day, because he has broken up with you, told everyone he feels great about it, and he is NOT seeing you unless you pursue him. so contact with him only prolongs your attachment, and prevents you from focusing on healing and moving forward.

 

you could start living for those every 2 week contacts, just hanging on and hoping you will see some change in him that means you can get together, and he could view this contact as 'ah well, there she is again, she's still not over me yet...' then he hangs up and takes his new girlfriend out, and you go back to fantasizing what could have/shoud have/might still be.

 

so you can be 'true to yourself' by continuing contact with, but you must realize these contacts are really like a security blanket and are not getting you anywhere, becuase what you will be doing is focusing on contacting him, and living for that moment, rather than focusing on getting new people and fun into your life so that you can truly heal and get over him.

 

the other thing to keep in mind is that he might be quite indulgent in the beginning with these contacts, but if he really moves on with his life and starts dating other women, he will NOT be so accomodating because he will have other women in his life who will be taking his time and attention...

 

so i really think that can feel like two deaths, the first being the breakup, and the second being when you notice he is getting less and less interested in staying in contact with you, till he is irritated by it, til he tells you sorry, he can't talk, he and his girlfriend have plans... so really, you are just extending the pain, doubling it, and prolonging acceptance that it is over.

 

you might be able to be friends in the future, but only AFTER you no longer depend and crave contact with him or only when thinking about the breakup no longer bothers you at all. that time will come, just not very soon, so that is the purpose of NC, to let you do the emotional healing you need to do, without feeding any false hopes.

[LostLoveinLosAngeles]

Props! You seem to be handling you break-up pretty good. I agree with other that you should just totally stop talking for awhile to get yourself completely healed. Sometimes calling him is like sometime using him a crutch. But hey you are on the right path and only you know whats right for you!

[selfi]

jessicake i feel the same way as you very often; i try my hardest to find some justification to make contact, but in reality, its just so i can get my 'fix' snoop into his personal life in hopes that he isnt living it up and fish for hope crumbs.

Our ex's know how to reach us, and if/ when they do call, I know that it will hurt alot if he isnt calling to say lets get back together.

 

Anyway just wanted to let you knw that youre not rambling, but dont do the regular call thing, its useless for you

[supernetter]

Keep yourself busy, I know it could be easier said than done as also having NC at all. Someday u'll end up being just friends but for now, give yourselves space.

[jessicake]

thanks for the support guys!

 

by saying "however, i think i will maintain a limited contact so that i make sure i realise he is no longer in my life..." i meant that i will not have much contact with him so that i will realise he is not a significant part of my life. i mean limited contact as in i will not contact him but will be brief, civil and friendly when or if he contacts me. not i will keep contacting him every few weeks! ifs fine if he doesnt contact me. we both need space, but i think that a complete nc is too hard since we have mutual friends and we see each other around and stuff.. plus we have a holiday booked togheter in a a month or so which we will be at least catching the plane togehter... (if he decides still to go)

 

its hard to nc because we share mutual friends but i decided that i am not going to contact him!! but its true that that cannot be an excuse! when i talked on the phone with him the ohter night i made it clear that i also knowthat the breakup decision is the right decision. he says he is also takin it really hard but we will both be ok and better off in the end! i know that in my heart and mind and will keep reaffirming it to myself!

 

i will not contact him until i feel that i am better healed to start a friendship with him..

 

i wil also keep telling myself that we cannot and should not get back together anytime in the foreseeable future..!!!! i know i will get my ups and downs.. but hey, thas all part of the challenges of life isnt it!