checking his emails etc.

[ILFgal45]

I can't stop checking my boyfriend's email and personal profile accounts. I have been doing this for months and check them several times a day, whenever I check my own I check his as well. I have a really hard time trusting him because he has lied to me in the past, and I have seen compromising things in his email and personal profile accounts that have brought these lies to my attention, so I keep checking to see if anything else comes along that I should know about. He says he is trustworthy and that the lies are in the past, and sometimes I believe him since our relationship is in a much better place than it was during the lies. I can't seem to stop looking at it. What should I do? Thanks for your help in advance!

[melrich]

Are you planning a long term relationship with this guy? If so are you planning to check his emails and personal stuff for the duration of that time? If so it is a pretty sad way to conduct a relationship.

 

You have to admit to yourself that what you are doing is not sustainable. You either re-commit your trust to him or you admit to yourself that you'll never give him your trust again and end teh relationship.

[annie24]

Are you planning a long term relationship with this guy? If so are you planning to check his emails and personal stuff for the duration of that time? If so it is a pretty sad way to conduct a relationship.

 

You have to admit to yourself that what you are doing is not sustainable. You either re-commit your trust to him or you admit to yourself that you'll never give him your trust again and end teh relationship.

 

I agree. Either trust him or don't, but you can't keep this up. I would encourage him to change his passwords and don't get his new passwords either!

[caro33]

I agree with melrich in principle, but also imagine that this is a behaviour that is not going to listen to these kinds of arguments. I think this behaviour is a way of trying to exert control over the fear and uncertainty of being caught out again, where at least you won't be taken by surprise. It's addictive, or maybe a compulsion, and needs to be treated as such. At the least it's a bad habit that needs to be made more difficult to pursue.

 

There is no easy answer - if you could stop cold turkey I imagine you wouldn't have come here for advice. It is the kind of thing that perhaps just takes you consciously commiting to change and making rules and roadblocks. What about:

 

- Making it harder for yourself to check his stuff - make the links you have different, cause there to be a roadblock for yourself so that you can't just keep using automated behaviour. Maybe also check your own stuff less often - do you need to do this as much as you do?

- Commit to only check his things every SECOND time you check yours, then every THIRD time, then maybe every week, every month. Over time you will not bother.

- Commit to a time limit per session on a computer, so you don't actually have time to check his stuff as well as your own.

- You could come clean to him, and ask him to change his passwords.

 

To be honest, if he's cheating on you, he could be doing it right now and have nothing to do with his web accounts/emails. You need to be clear with yourself that checking these things to stay in control of knowing what he's up to is an illusion. You don't have this power. That's where the trust kicks in, unfortunately.

[Scotcha]

I had a similar problem.. And it's tough to be honest about. I always felt guilty.

 

It started out that he gave me his password and for months I didn't ever use it.. And then on a whim I did and well.. It became almost a compulsion. Short story is he changed his password.

 

But his new password was so obvious I figured it out on my first try.

 

I thought for a few days about what I was going to do about it. I could either keep my mouth shut about it, struggle with the urge to check his email, eventually loose self control and check it... Or I could make the decision to trust him.

 

I chose to trust him. For some reason having the ability to check his email bred untrust. Even if I found nothing at all I trusted him less and less.. It's ironic as I was being the snoop.

 

So I told him I figured out his password and asked him to change it to something less obvious.

 

It's really werid but I trust him more now.

[sara_0562]

Wow i can totally relate to your situation!! I also knew my boyfriends password to his email and i started looking at it about 3 months ago. What i found was that he was emailing his ex gf back and forth, which was harmless chatting about whats been going on in there lives. I wasnt concerned and continued to look for months. Until the emaisl started to get a little mor frequent and they arranged to see eachother. They ended up seeing eachother 3 times. He never told me he was talkign to her let alone seeing her.

 

I didnt know how to handle the situation caus ei didn;t want him to know i was snooping.... so i did nothing. But obviously knowing this information i was acting very cold towards him trying to get him to admit what wasgoing on, and he continued ot lie. He ended up brekaing up with me a few days ago because of "distance" after a year together.

 

I have started NC and am STILL looking at him email. Its a bad cycle to start and even harder to stop. Ask yourself what you would do if you found something bad in his profile? Would you confront him and admit you snooped or would u do what i did and do nothing? I dont think its possible to stop with out his changing his password and you admitting everything. but that would be extreamly hard!

 

I guess this isn't much advice just wanted to tell you my experience GOOD LUCK!!

[BeStrongBeHappy]

this is something you should definitely stop, becuase if he finds out out, he will probably stop it for you by breaking up with you. you are not his keeper nor should you be his policeman, and you are definitely violating his privacy. even the FBI can't do what you're doing without a court order based on probable cause...

 

so his lying was definitely a bad thing, but your relentless spying on him could be considered a form of stalking.

 

you need to ask yourself if this is behavior you feel is wrong, and if so, work on stopping it... and if you don't trust him enough to not do this, then you shouldn't be in a relationship with him...

 

this is no way to live, filled with anxiety and snooping behind someone's back all the time... if you find you can't stop, then you need to consider counseling to address your own insecurities and need to police him... and if you really deep down feel you can never trust him, then you need to break up and find someone else you do consider trustworthy enough that you don't have to spy on him constantly in a neverending attempt to find a sense of security in the relationship...

[Rabican]

Are you planning a long term relationship with this guy? If so are you planning to check his emails and personal stuff for the duration of that time? If so it is a pretty sad way to conduct a relationship.

 

You have to admit to yourself that what you are doing is not sustainable. You either re-commit your trust to him or you admit to yourself that you'll never give him your trust again and end teh relationship.

 

 

Yeah... what they said

[wexmen]

first of all , i need to know how you could have his password ,if the password is willingly given by him ,there arise 2 question .

 

1) is it just a fake password where you may not find his wrongdoings ??( he got more than 1 )

 

2) why did he give you the password ?? ( is he really trust you ? )

[bitbit]

maybe i'm different, but i don't ever trust blindly. getting hurt sucks wayyyy too much for that. i check everything of my boyfriend's and i don't see a problem with it.

[annie24]

well, it's not about trusting blindly.... but if you are in a relationship with someone, and you know them and what their values are, and if you are dating them, you should HOPEFULLY trust them enough to know that they aren't doing bad stuff behind your back. And if you don't trust them, then you shouldn't be with them.

 

Trust is earned, not given out blindly. First you let someone water your plants when you are out of town, then you have them pet-sit, then you have them look after your kids. If they can't take care of your plants, then don't ask them to pet or kid-sit.

[arrrrffff]

Theis action is definitely an immoral one. Like it has been said by annie, trust must be earned. You two must work problems out together, or not at all, instead of invading his privacy. It's illegal and immoral. How would you like the roles to be reversed? Would you want him checking your emails? These actions just insinuate negativity and sooner or later it will get really messy.

[silentalways]

tell him what u are and have done

 

stop doing it

 

and find someone u love and trust

 

he is not the one

 

simple

[bitbit]

Theis action is definitely an immoral one. Like it has been said by annie, trust must be earned. You two must work problems out together, or not at all, instead of invading his privacy. It's illegal and immoral. How would you like the roles to be reversed? Would you want him checking your emails? These actions just insinuate negativity and sooner or later it will get really messy.

 

i check everything of my boyfriends and he knows he's more than welcome to check anything of mine. whenever i join a forum, start a new blog, or w/e... i give him the address and all my passwords and info is the same. i welcome it.