How do I get her back?: The masculine take on break-ups

[TheRedQueen]

Having been an active member on this forum for just a little under a year now, I've noticed, much to my shock and amazement, that men seem to have a tougher time getting over their exes than women. Granted, this is nothing more than a generalized observation of mine, but I still find it fascinating. Who would of thunk?

 

Upon recently reading the book, Men, Love & Sex, I came accross two interesting pieces of information that directly relate to this observation:

 

1.) That the single most asked relationship question received at Men's Health magazine is, "How do I get her back?"

 

and..

 

2.) For most men, the surest way to end thoughts about a good ex-relationship is a great next-relationship.

 

The author basically suggests that most men are perpetually on the rebound.

 

So, does anyone agree, or disagree with these sentiments? If so, I'd love to hear your input.

[laboheme]

Well, I think that men have a tougher time dealing with breakups because they don't have the same kind of support base that women have. For girls, it's easy to dive into a pint of Ben & Jerrys, watch chick flicks all day, enjoy a good cry (or two, or ten) on their girlfriend's shoulder, etc. For the most part, girls have a good setting for letting out all their emotions until they are all cried out and are ready to move on. But it's harder for men in that respect, I think -- I can't exactly imagine a guy crying his heart out to his best buddy (doesn't mean that it can't happen, but I just have a feeling it happens less often). So the poor guys are stuck dealing with most of their emotions on their own, which probably takes longer than it would if they got a chance to let it all out.

 

And as far as the rebounds, maybe it's a byproduct of not having an emotional support group? If you can't cry on somebody's shoulder, might as well kiss somebody's neck...

[melrich]

I agree and I think laboheme summed it up really well. Women generally are more in touch with their emotions, are better at maintaining social networks and talking about their private lives.

 

Men tend to take the stoic "i'll get through this on my own" approach and that simply makes the loss of a relationship harder to cope with.

[TheRedQueen]

What a brilliant post!!

 

It must be hard for guys not to be able to talk about their, well, feelings, right?

 

Thank god for best friends, Ben and Jerry's, and bawlathons.

[barbielovesmac]

What a brilliant post!!

 

It must be hard for guys not to be able to talk about their, well, feelings, right?

 

Thank god for best friends, Ben and Jerry's, and bawlathons.

 

Amen to that sista!

[CarnelianButterfly]

I know from watching my brother and his group of friends, they've all had a rough time with women at one time or another. My brother, machismo grande, has moped for YEARS over a girl he dated for only a few months. But most of these guys are really good guys, they aren't players or users. The guys that don't really care about the relationship to begin with won't have much trouble getting over it.

[4answers]

As a thought, guys are more visual than girls.

 

When a relationship goes pearshaped the girl remembers the bad things about the guys personality. So every time she sees him this is what is in her mind. So this makes it easier for her to view him in a negative way.

 

However the guy sees the girl for her looks, so that every time he sees her he sees the attraction which first drew him towards her. This makes it harder for him to see her in a negative way.

[TheRedQueen]

As a thought, guys are more visual than girls.

 

When a relationship goes pearshaped the girl remembers the bad things about the guys personality. So every time she sees him this is what is in her mind. So this makes it easier for her to view him in a negative way.

 

However the guy sees the girl for her looks, so that every time he sees her he sees the attraction which first drew him towards her. This makes it harder for him to see her in a negative way.

Wow, you just blew my mind with this post, what you're saying here makes so much sense. Thanks.

[arrrrffff]

I'm a guy and I do all that, lol. I've cried a river onto everyone I know praactically, and all of 'em encourage it. I think guy friends need to stop being all macho, and be more like the girls. I mean it's not that guy's cope in those ways, it's just that we have this notion it's not acceptable so we deal with it on our own.

[need2bme]

I'm a guy and I do all that, lol. I've cried a river onto everyone I know praactically, and all of 'em encourage it. I think guy friends need to stop being all macho, and be more like the girls. I mean it's not that guy's cope in those ways, it's just that we have this notion it's not acceptable so we deal with it on our own.

 

I do all of that too. My question is usually; WHY? Because most women I know, would not tell you how they felt, until they had pulled you in or acted like nothing was wrong the day before (having sex, going out on a date, etc.).

 

I believe "not accepted", to be too strong of a term though. I just think it is not the norm for guys to cry on someone's shoulder. Also, I can tell you countless times I wanted to cry on a girl's shoulder about my day, and then found out later that it was thought of as WEAK! Sure, no one wants to hear all of the bad stuff, but if you are an emotional guy, you just learn to stuff a lot of it.

 

As for guys not really caring about the relationship; I have wanted to be there so MANY times. Do you realize what heartache would not have happened AND how many girls I would have dated, had I not let my heart get involved?

 

I also agree with us being visual, but also, tactil. I think we need to see what attracted us, but I think we also need to feel it in a touch sensory kind of way (does that even make sense ). Not in the sense of feeling it in your heart, but feeling someone next to you. I believe it is that, that I miss the most.

[arrrrffff]

I do all of that too...

 

I believe "not accepted", to be too strong of a term though. I just think it is not the norm for guys to cry on someone's shoulder. Also, I can tell you countless times I wanted to cry on a girl's shoulder about my day, and then found out later that it was thought of as WEAK! Sure, no one wants to hear all of the bad stuff, but if you are an emotional guy, you just learn to stuff a lot of it...

 

I believe that being the 'norm' can be really unattractive. If a girl really loves you either in a friend or relationship way, they should not be calling you weak for expressing your emotions. My ex encouraged me to cry because she didn't want a guy who kept it all inside. In a relationship, the sharing of emotions is important.

 

Just stay away from being emotionally excessive (ie. being depressed). You don't want to drain energy away from your people around you.

[silentalways]

being a male, and being someone that just went thru a breakup, i can say that lobs and mels are totally correct - another issue is who does the breaking up. that plays a role too. i would like to add tho that, for me at least, when i did see my ex on the rare occasion somewhere, my 'visualization' didn't go directly to below the belt buckle and above the knees - i saw her as the woman and person i knew at the time and wondered how she was doing. then i checked out her bod! lol

 

teasing

[Buttermaker]

I agree with a few posters on here that said that women have a much easier time getting over someone. I think it has to do with being heartless. Not all women (I don't want hate mail lol), just the ones I have gotten caught up with. They seem to make breaking up with me some kind of a game or joke, when I have taken it too serious. I have thought about ending my life a couple times when a relationship failed. I won't sleep, eat and my brain is mush. In the meantime, the women that broke up is having fun or dating someone else.

[bitbit]

personally, i think guys have a tougher time with breakups b/c they CAUSE them!

[CarnelianButterfly]

I've seen a lot of guys get complacent in a relationship, where they get too comfortable and just go with a routine. They don't make much effort any more and the women get fed up and leave. The comfort area is totally gone and the person that would have been good support for them in a time like this just left.

[need2bme]

personally, i think guys have a tougher time with breakups b/c they CAUSE them!

 

Too funny and I think I might resemble that remark...

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

When my boyfriend was 18 (he is now 22), he split up with his first serious girlfriend after a not-so-good 9 month relationship.

 

He was very upset and so forth, but he didn't sleep with anyone else until he met me 14 months ago, and very proud of that fact. In addition, he is quite a manly man...but also fairly open with his feelings...so I suppose he just worked through it in his own time. He said in time, he realised he was more angry than sad (she cheated on him, etc). But although he didn't have close friends to cry on the shoulder of, he didn't have a relationship at all for the next two plus years.

[bitbit]

i think most guys learn by getting beat about the head with an issue. they put off changing until the relationship is over, and then they're like, "damn. who's gonna give me head tonight? ok, time to get her back"

[deejay74]

could it be that women have an easier time finding another man after a break up? (of course i am generalizing here, so please don't flame me).

 

in my experiences and observations, i've noticed that women seem to have it easier when it comes to finding someone to get involved with either physically or for a relationship.

 

every single girl that i have dated always had some guy that they knew they could "hook up with" and did so after breaking up with me. i never did. i can't think of any of my close male friends that did either and almost all of them told me how their ex immediately slept with someone else after the break up. i really think this helps women move on faster because they KNOW they can get someone if they really wanted to.

 

again, this is just my personal experience and observations.

[Belle]

personally, i think guys have a tougher time with breakups b/c they CAUSE them!

 

I was wondering if anyone was going to point that out. Since women do most of the breaking up, they may not feel as bad when they're the dumper. Especially if the guy turned out to be pretty neglectful, a cheater or generally just sat in the relationship to get his needs met while caring less to meet hers. I know in the past when I was with a guy who was pretty self centered, I forgot abuot them pretty quickly. I guess a few would say I was heartless but I wasn't. I just knew that I couldn't squeeze blood out of a turnip and I deserved better.

[bitbit]

this is a generalization as well, but maybe it's b/c guys are mostly the pursuers? so girls don't really do the work... we just allow a male to talk to us but a guy, on the other hand, has to go out and find a girl willing.

[poloplayer]

Hi,

 

I don't think that you can generalize this. It all boils down to the person, what they are looking for, what their experiences are, and ultimately, who they are.

 

I have friends who stay with guys who hit them, mock them, abuse them, etc. They won't leave, even after years. Then I have some guy friends who are great guys, and they get used by the women that they meet. The girl is out dating multiple guys and having fun within a couple of days, while he is a wreck for quite some time. I also have friends who got married in their early twenties and years later are still happlly married. It's a broad spectrum.

 

I read on a different thread a while back an excellent comment about the hardships of dating: finding someone that has the same agenda as you. But people get burned by excuses or illusions: s/he was so hot, we hit it off right away, they're so successful/popular, etc.

 

But going back to your original post, I think a few people summed it up pretty well. Many guys (women too) get comfortable after a while. The other party does not talk about how they don't like this (lack of communication). Then they break up, and the party left behind is freaking out, wondering what they can do, how they can change, etc. (assuming they are hurt). If they don't care, then they move on right away.

 

Some people view dating as all fun and games. Others are looking for relationships, whether they be casual or long-term/life partnerships. At the same time, all of these different people define relationships in their own way. I don't think there is an objective standard that you can measure this by.

 

In the beginning you don't know who the other person is. All you have are looks dabbled with spacks of charm and flirtations. There is nothing "wrong" because you are on cloud 9, and, thus far, the other person is fulfilling all of your expectations of what you want/hope them to be. Then, something(s) happens, and you realize that they are not what you want. I think this is why many people get frustrated with dating, or the opposite sex. I also think that's why being "just friends" with someone and getting to know them first would save lots of people heartache and time. But to each their own.

[need2bme]

In the beginning you don't know who the other person is. All you have are looks dabbled with spacks of charm and flirtations. There is nothing "wrong" because you are on cloud 9, and, thus far, the other person is fulfilling all of your expectations of what you want/hope them to be. Then, something(s) happens, and you realize that they are not what you want.

 

You are spot on and that is this particular situation is the part I hate the most. ;-)

[Belle]

I also think that's why being "just friends" with someone and getting to know them first would save lots of people heartache and time.

 

Where the hell were you earlier this year?

 

great post.