Need someone to talk to about a potential breakup :(

[Buttermaker]

Hey everyone, I am brand new to the forum and just happened to stumble accross it by accident.

 

I met this woman on a date site back in late August. She is 27, I am 33. She seemed like a great woman and I loved being with her. We started off very slow and gradually built up to something more serious. We offically called each other boyfriend/girlfriend 1 month after meeting. I would then go to her place to watch movies on the weekend/spend the night and we were intimate after 1 1/2 months after we met. We even planned to head over to Europe next spring for 3 weeks on a group tour. Things to me, were going good. But during the whole time we dated, she had ALOT of male friends. So many, that they would call her during the night, text message her, and MSN her. She is actually addicted to MSN, really. Even though we only live 20 minutes from one another, we rarely talked on the phone. It was always through MSN. When she did chat with me, I could tell that she was pre-occupied by other conversations. It actually got annoying waiting 2-3 minutes for her to reply to my IM. She knew I would get upset because of all her male friends and she thought I was jealous of them. I was actually. What guy would call a woman up at 1:00am?

It's hard to explain everything, without writing a book, so bare with me lol Anyway, while I thought things were going fairly good, I think she thought otherwise. Just a couple weeks ago, she was distant. She would chat with me on MSN, but it was like pulling teeth to have a decent conversation. Anytime we made plans, she would make up an excuse to cancel at the last moment. She then said that her father/sister were coming up from out of town and that she needed her condo keys back and the $260 I owed her for the deposit for the trip (she used a credit card). I gave them back to her, but I had a bad feeling I could kiss them good-bye. Sure enough, the night I gave them back, she told me that she didn't feel like we should continue our relationship. She didn't break up with me... as a matter of fact, she couldn't give me a straight answer. She kept saying "I don't know" when I asked her if she still wanted to date me. Finally, a few days ago, she tells me everything that has bothered her. I was shocked. I didn't know that things went that bad. She looked at every negative point and nothing positive. But still she was hanging in there and didn't want to finalize everything. I still had/have feelings for her and I don't want it to end. She said that there was no spark/butterflies when we were together anymore. We only really started officially dating the end of September and haven't spent that much time with one another if you think about it. Was she expecting too much out of this relationship? Besides a failed 3 month marriage, she has never had a serious relationship before, just dated a new guy every month. I asked her if she was ready for something serious and she said yes, but she doesn't feel the spark. I know that she is attracted to me and I am attracted to her, so it has nothing to do with looks.

Anyway, we still chat with each other, every night on MSN. It's been 2 full weeks and she is still playing that " I don't know routine" when it comes to us. It's actually frustrating. I know that she is VERY busy with work, working 14 hours a day because of the Christmas rush, so I am patient with her in that respect. I thought maybe once she is no longer busy with work, she would be fine. Then tonight, it was sad. Finally after arguing about everything, she ended it, but wanted to remain friends. Before she ended it, I questioned her about the $260 and the keys and if her dad/sister really came up. She got mad at me for calling her a liar.

After she logged off MSN, I stayed on the computer to do something else. 15 minutes later, she logged back on. She then IM me and apologized. She said that she lied to me. Her father/sister never came up to visit her. She lied to me just to get her keys back and that $260 deposit for the trip. She then told me that she was thinking about breaking up with me back then. I was angry that she lied, but I played it cool with her. She then said that she felt so sick about lying to me, that she had to throw up. Then she disappeared for 7 minutes, before coming back. She then said that she still wants to be 'friends' until she decides to give us another chance.

During the entire 2 weeks that we were debating on breaking up, she always asked me about that trip, if I am still going or not. At first I said no, because I wanted to go with her as a couple and have it romantic. Then I changed my mind and said yes, I will go. She seemed shocked. Personally, I think that she found someone else to take my place. That would be horrible, since I gave her $260 for a deposit for that trip and it's non-refundable!

 

I don't know what to think about this whole thing. It's like a soap opera. I have been dating since I was 19, involved in an 8 year relationship, I was even married for 15 months (together for 3 years), dated someone for a year and have dated a lot of women, but I have NEVER encountered anyone like this before. When a woman is not interested, that is it! She breaks up with me (or visa versa). I never had anyone hang onto me and have such a struggle to break up. Even after we did break up tonight, she came back online ill to apologize! She even said she had a dream of us getting back together. I don't know what to think of this. A part of me says to forget about her, forget the $260 and move on. Another part says to hang in there with her and see what she decides in a month or so. Then something inside of me thinks that she wants me to break up with her, after being so frustrated, so I would forget about the trip and she would take someone else. I am actually losing sleep over this woman and not eating right!!! This is nuts! I don't know what to do. Its almost like a game to her.

[annie24]

Welcome to enotalone.

 

Your breakup sounds a lot like my last breakup with the roles reversed. wow. it's like there is a script or something. my last boyfriend said the same things also, "I don't know" if he still wanted to be with me and then back to the "lack of spark, but i'm still attracted to you." blah. maybe your ex and my ex are long-lost twin?

 

What I did? I just walked away, and I did no contact. I figured if he missed me, he would ask for me back, and if he didn't, that was that. During my period of no contact, my eyes really opened and I saw a bunch of "red flags" about him that I hadn't seen before because I was so wrapped up in him and with my work at school, that I didn't see his bad side. Once I saw it, I didn't want him back.

 

I think you should also step away from this woman and see her for ALL she is. Right now, you are still seeing her through rose-colored glasses. I have a feeling that if you get some distance from her, you will start seeing her bad side.... is she really who you want to be the mother of your children?

 

anyways, good luck, hang in there. everything happens for a reason, maybe the breakup is a good thing for you.

[Buttermaker]

Thanks for the advice, Annie.

 

So I wonder what causes people to do this then? Is it just a game to them? I am starting to know why her relationships only last a month at a time and her marriage only last 3 months. It even baffles me as to why she needs all these male friends!

 

I also went on that same date site where we met. She changed her profile a while back to read not single/not looking. I did the same thing with mine, so people knew that we were involved with someone. Last night she went back on that date site 3 times. She even changed the wording of her profile. She still has it say that she is not looking but everything else has changed. When I was chatting with her on MSN last night, her MSN photo changed too. She never has a photo of herself on there, but last night she had it up briefly. That proves right there that she had to have been chatting with someone else. I even asked he if she was chatting with someone new and she said no, but at this point, I don't know what to believe.

 

I may take your advice and step away from her for a while. I have been getting bad vibes from her for a while. There has to be a reason for it. I am getting fed up with losing sleep because of her, that's for sure.

[Jayar]

My question is, after she has told you that she doesn't want to be with you, and has indicated that while she doesn't know what she wants she knows she doesn't want you, why do you even care? Why waste the energy? Move on to someone who does like you and lacks the drama. This is so not worth it! Best of luck.

[Iceman26]

The only way to win this game is not to play.

 

Can you imagine being together in the long term with someone like this? 27 years old talking to a bunch of dudes on the internet and getting phone calls from guys at 1 am? Lets be honest here, they were calling for the good ole' bump and grind my friend.

 

She was pulling those stunts because there is another guy lurking in the background somewhere. I've encountered women like this before.

 

You seem like a decent fellow who doesn't need this crap. You have plenty of time to arrange for a buddy or a new girl to come with you to Europe. Can you imagine what that trip to Europe would be like with her? She'd have to brnig a laptop just to maintain her social life.

 

I'm sorry this happened, but be thankful she showed you her true colors sooner rather than later.

[Buttermaker]

The more and more I think about her, the more I am starting to hate her, really. I don't know why I am so hung up on her. It's not like she is a total knock out and all the guys in the room take notice. She is average looking. She's never gone out of her way to make me happy. Never invited me to her place for dinner. As a matter of fact, her father and I took her out a month and a half ago for a $180 dinner and we treated her. No thanks or nothing. In the past, the woman has invited me over to her place for dinner, she would even surprise me with a small gift once in a while, just for the heck of it. With this woman, nothing.

 

I want to tell her to get lost so bad, I can taste it, but for some reason it's so hard. I am still waiting for her to come online or call and ask if I could give her one more chance. I'd probably be a sucker and do it.

 

As far as the guys that are are friends, I talked to her about it (many of times) and she has told me never to worry about them. The guy that called at 1:00am was a guy that she met once and he ended up stalking her. Even her best friend told me that she had some nut calling her and text messaging her all the time. She finally told me that 2 months after we met. He ex husband still calls her (because they have some business to take care of regarding a loan), alot of male friends call her that work with her. I have met all of these guys and I am not worried about them. They all look like rejects lol. Then she has the odd guy that MSN's her or calls her. I am not overly worried, but I was last night when her MSN photo was changing. Like I said in my first post, she NEVER posts her photo on there. Last night she did. And when I asked her, she avoided telling me why she put it on there. Then she removed it when I asked her again. So, I don't think another man came into the picture the past few weeks, but I am almost certain that one popped up last night when we were chatting.

 

Anyway, I am not really going to worry about her anymore. I will keep her on my MSN and if she wants to chat as a friend, I am here. I am not going to ask her about us anymore. If she wants me bad enough, let her crawl back to me.

 

As far as that European trip next year, I got an email back from the travel agent. My $260 deposit is in my name only, so she can't give it to some other person. I really feel like an * * * for giving her that money. If I knew she was going to break up with me or pull this stunt, I NEVER would have given her that money. That is a lot of money to me right now. I could have used it for winter clothes or something else. I don't think I am going on that trip no matter what though. I am not going to dish out over $3200 to travel accross the world with someone that played mind games. I could buy a new 55" TV with that

 

I know, read my post... one minute I want to take her back and the next I would strangle her lol I need my head examined

[Iceman26]

You don't need your head examined, you just need to take a step back and look at what is best for you and your well being, and if you do that, I feel confident that you will see that dating her is not in your best interests.

[Buttermaker]

Thanks Iceman... the more I think out this whole situation, the less I want to get involved in her again. I have bounced back from breakups and I will do it again when I am ready. There are lots of nice women out there. I will meet one when I least expect it

[SuperDave71]

Buttermaker,

 

OK my friend...It's my turn. i want you to go back and read your own post again. Read it very carefully and tell me what you see?

 

I see lies, deception, addiction to chat, strange phonecalls in the middle of the night including text messages and underhandedness.

 

 

Do you think if she did said "lets work it out", that you could? With 100% certainty I know you couldn't. You my friend are settling what the scraps of attention she is throwing at you and you accepted them with open arms.

 

People can be cruel and manipulative at times. The way I see a budding, new relationship is one with a positive theme. When things take a turn, don't ignore the facts. Before you trust someone 100% they MUST EARN IT. For you to overlook the text messages, lies and phone calls is rather misleading. You gave her EXACTLY what she wanted and that was freedom to do whatever she wanted and youo STILL would hang on.

 

People, like children, need boundries. Reverse the roles and ask yourself do you think she would put up with such behavior.

 

I suggest you re-evaluate yourself and your OWN boundries. You are smart enough to stand on your own 2 feet my friend. To see with one's own eye is ovious, but to see things from other's people's eyes is devine.

 

I would NOT contact this woman again whatsoever, if you can help it. She has nothing positive to offer you. Even if she did, I believe she would never show you.

 

Anyone addicted to a chat program is seeking validation thru anonymity. Sure she may know these fellows but chances are she hides who she really is behind the Internet.....she did it to you and she was right in front of your face.

 

 

Be well and DO NOT SETTLE FOR SCRAPS!!!

 

TAKE THE WHOLE COW!!!

 

 

 

-Your friend,

 

SuperDave71

[candy604]

this girl is trouble, you deserve better. Cut it because she's just playing games with you and its not healthy.

[Buttermaker]

I agree with everyone here. You really hit the nail on the head, especially you, SuperDave. I like how you said that I was settling for the scraps of attention that she was giving me with open arms. That is so true. I can't believe that I didn't see all of this sooner. It took all of you people to open my eyes and I thank everyone here for that. If I did go back to her, I could never trust her again.

 

I never mentioned this before but it just came to me. Even she said 2 nights ago that she was amazed how I am holding on, after all she has put me through. I said to her because I still care for her and she didn't even comment to that. I think it's just a game to her.

 

She is so addicted to MSN, that she is on now in the middle of the day at work and when she gets home at 9:00 tonight, she will go right back on the computer and log on MSN again. I have never seen anyone so addicted to it! Even when we went out, she preferred MSN over the phone. I don't think that is healthy for any relationship. I can see if you live far away, but not 20 minutes apart. We never had a decent conversation on MSN. It was horrible waiting 2 or 3 minutes for a reply. Last night she even told me "brb" and then disappeared for a full 3 hours! I sat there like a dummy and waited. I finally had to keep buzzing her on the thing to get her attention. That pretty much shows you how much she respects me. The more I think about her, the more I get sick to my stomach.

 

If you guys new how much sleep I have lost over her, you would laugh. I spent night after night sick to my stomach. I couldn't even eat properly, thinking that our so called relationship is over. Wow, was I dumb! But I am taking your advice, I am not going to contact her what so ever. I am actually curious if she even IM's first on that MSN thing. If she does, I will just ignore her like she did to me.

[SuperDave71]

Buttermaker,

 

Sometimes we cannot see that which is right in frontof us....unless we take a few steps back.

 

 

 

 

-SuperDave71

[Buttermaker]

It's funny, it's almost 10:00pm here and her MSN is on and she still hasn't IM me. I guess it didn't take her long to forget about me already.

 

I also checked that date site where we met (just for the heck of it) and she was back on it. She is smart now. Instead of looking for a "long lasting" relationship like last time, she is looking for "friends". As if the 40 male friends she has now is not enough lol She is STILL lying on that date site as well. On your profile, you have to say whether you are single, divorced, separated, widow (whatever)... she ALWAYS says that she is "single" on it. BS... when I met her, it also said single, then after I met her in person, she mentioned her ex husband. I was shocked, because she never mentioned about him ever. I didn't even know she was married before when I first started talking to her. Do you want to hear something strange?? I just thought of something! I know that she filed papers in with her lawyer in regards to a something involving here ex. This was 2 months ago. She said it had to do with the divorce. She never did say what happened involving that. What if she is just separated now and not divorced? She is still legally married then (not that I have anything against that, cause I was separated also for a couple years before the divorce), but men that just meet her assume that she is 100% single. That proves that she already started out lying when we met! Warning signs right there what I was getting into and I didn't see it.

 

Speaking of ignoring me, I wrote her a 'nice' email last night, asking her a couple things. She still hasn't written me back. So she is completely ignoring me now. She went from crying on MSN last night (ofcourse an act now), to ignoring me completely today. What a two face.

 

Update : I lied... as soon as I sent this, she wrote me back via email saying how sad she is and is trying to figure out why things didn't work. Now she is giving me this sob story now. What should I do? She is making me feel guilty for not talking to her!

 

This is what she said in her email (part of it):

 

"Anyways.....like I said, Im having a real rough time here and I dont think you know that or understand that. You meant a lot to me. And I am still trying to figure out how and why this all happened. And you not saying hi on msn tonight hurts even more.

 

I can go into more detail but I wont as it is painful enough to hold the tears back. On that note, good luck."

[finewhine]

Umm, don't do anything? She sounds like she's a total mess. In your own words, she's playing games with you. If you respond, you're enabling that.

 

How about dumping her over MSN? Logging off? Blocking her?

[annie24]

ug. don't bother replying. she sounds manipulative. some exes do stuff like that.

 

like the aformentioned ex I mentioned on this thread, when he broke up with me, and I told him I wouldn't be his friend anymore, he got all sad and said, "but I really like you and like spending time with you....." And I said, 'You're breaking up with me!

 

sheesh! and now she is turning it around, and making it sound like the breakup is YOUR fault? blah.

[Buttermaker]

I'm only chatting with her as a 'friend' right now. I have no intention of going any farther than that now. That bridge is burnt.

 

I do want to keep in contact with her for now, cause she still owes me a couple days pay for when I worked at her job and I have a couple of small items at her condo still.

 

She is so focussed on creating "Windows Live Spaces" on MSN right now and asking me how to set everything up, that she is not even really chatting. She is pissing her pants to set up a page for everyone to see so badly. Before, she couldn't care less and now she wants one so bad so she could be "cool".

 

I don't know how many 27 year old women are this immature... I thought women matured faster than men

[Buttermaker]

I am still confused with this woman... I know, it sounds like I am beating a dead horse, but I chatted with her again last night. We don't bother getting into 'us' in our chats, but mainly talk about how the day went. She did say that she was in my part of the city last evening (doing something for work) and she said that she was going to call me to go for dinner with her. I wasn't home anyway, so I couldn't have done if she did call. But then I said that I was going to drop by her work and pick up the pay check I am due for the 2 days I worked with her. She kept asking me what time. When I told her, she made an excuse as to why she wouldn't be in the office and someone else would give me my check. Finally, she said that it would be difficult for her to see me, since we broke up. But then I asked her why was she going to call me for dinner? She said that it was different. She didn't want the stress of me going in there to see her at work or something along those lines. She even still calls me babe still and the very odd time, she says that she thinks of me and tells me how hard this has been for her. If she broke up with me, then why is she having such a hard time, telling me that she is missing me and hanging on to me?? When we chatted last night, it was late, she worked till midnight and wasn't much into chatting. Then around 1:00am, I said that I need to go to sleep. She said ok and then we said goodnight. I closed the window and left my MSN on (like I always do). 10 minutes later, she comes back with "ok, I have to go and get some sleep". I was puzzled as to why she said that, after we said goodnight. She really seemed out of it. Either being over tired from work, no sleep or mentally ill. Maybe that's why I can't let her go yet, something doesn't add up. Her emotions change on a dime. No, it's not that time of month lol I really do think she is confused by this whole relationship thing. She has NEVER had a real one before or a guy that has ever cared for her. Even her closet friends have told me that. Then why would she just be playing a game?

 

A few nights ago, she said that she had a dream about us getting back together after seeing a movie and kissing goodnight.

 

I honestly don't know what is going on with her. I don't think it's a game with her... I dunno. In all of my years, I have never dealt with anything like this. I feel like I am in high school. I have ruled out another guy. There is no way that she can be seeing anyone else when she works 6 days a week and on thurs, fri and saturdays, works till midnight. I know she has alot of other male friends, but I think that it's an exaggeration on how many she really has. Some guys from work (all much younger or married), close friends from years ago, the odd MSN guy that has she is just chat friends with. That's pretty much it.

 

I am trying to read so much into this woman. She is EXTREMELY complicated and yes, a little immature too. In my mind, I want to just forget her completely, but in my heart, I feel that something is not right. Not every woman plays these games. She knows that I have been hurt in the past by evil women and she promised me that she was not like them. I don't think she would do anything to mess with me. I seriously think she is a very confused person and perhaps after this mad Christmas rush is done at her work and she is bored/lonely again, she may come to her senses. I really don't know. I thought that with my experience I would understand what makes some of these women tick, but I guess I don't.

 

I am being patient, a little too patient with her. I know that it's very easy to say ignore her or that she is playing games, but what if she's not? Then I keep telling myself, if by some miracle we try again, can I ever trust her? My answer is no. So why am I still thinking of her and not just blocking contact, I have no idea. I am just a sucker

[Iceman26]

This girl isn't doing anything good for you, except maybe giving you a feeling of mystery and intrigue. Let me solve the mystery that keeps you wondering about this girl. She is a game player and a headcase that I don't think you need.

 

I don't see any reason other than sheer boredom for you to continue this my friend.

[Buttermaker]

She is going to have a tough time trying to find anyone that is decent, besides me. That's the sad thing and look how she treated me.

[Iceman26]

She is going to have a tough time trying to find anyone that is decent, besides me. That's the sad thing and look how she treated me.

 

This what I mean my friend, you need to not worry about her (as she is causing her own problems) and worry about yourself and your happiness, and frankly, she isn't a source of happiness.

[Buttermaker]

I know I shouldn't worry about her and I am getting over this whole break up thing. I still chat with her on MSN on a daily basis though. Tonight I had to laugh, cause she actually made the comment that I seem more distant now and have been for the past few days on MSN. Geez, I wonder why lol It's also like the pot calling the kettle black, cause she's been distant on MSN for a couple weeks now (if not longer than that). Two can play that game