How do you get past the betrayal?

[Cat87]

I have been married for 11 years and about 2 months ago found out that my husband is a porn addict. I have been blown away and am still in shock. And yes, in hind-sight, there were some signs, but he was very deceptive and secretive and I was very trusting. At first I was shocked, then I cried all the time, and now I am angry. What scares me is that the anger seems to be getting worse, not going away.

 

I feel like I am emotionally stuck in this mire of emotional sewage and I can't find a way out of the hate. I know for my own emotional well-being I have to find a level of forgivness, but I can't figure it out. PLEASE HELP!

 

I am hoping there are some folks out there that can give share there experience on how they got through it. I mean really practical stuff -- like what did you do when you were so mad you started thinking about the things you could do that would hurt them the worst (emotionally, financially, even physically).

 

My husband and I are seeing a therapist, he is going to a 12-step program and is no longer materbating to porn (as far as I know). I am really confused as to why people tend to say, "watching porn."

 

Instead of feeling forgiveness, I seem to hate him more everyday. I feel like he stole 11 yrs of my life, got to clear his conscience at my emotional expense, and now I have this "secret" that I walking around with that I can't even really tell my friends -- we all have kids and I don't want my kids hearing about it from their friends.

 

I can just imagine someone at work asking me how things are going and me saying, "Not so good, my husband is a pig who has been cheating on me, not with another woman, but with hundreds of pictures of other women."

 

Just writing this email and thinking about it and I am fuming. Please, anyone who is working through this or is working through it -- I need practical suggestions.

[kermit]

Do you consider porn cheating? I donlt think most people do. It seems to me that most men enjoy porn to some extent, otherwise Playboy wouldn't be around. So now we're discussing levels of porn, and your husband has crossed the line?

[Layword]

Ermm, if he's looking at porn that doesn't mean anything. He's just well, err.. horny. All guys are like that trust me. Just tell him how you feel about it and tell him you don't appreciate it and that if you want PORN you have ME, the love of your life. Cheers~

[Jayar]

I'd say that porn is really only a huge problem in your relationship if he chooses porn OVER you when given the choice. But then again, I guess each person has their own levels of tolerance. Best of luck to you in your counselling.

[Cat87]

In my situation, yes, it was cheating. It inolved lying and sneaking and not doing things with me and our family in order to have time alone. His addiction to pornography progressed to the point where he preferred porn to having real sex.

 

He was masterbating 3 or more times a week and we would go for months without having sex -- trust me, I understand being horny. When I would try to talk to him about our sex life, he didn't want to talk about it and when I woud push, it was that he just didn't have any sexual desire, and then it got to be that he wasn't physically attracted to me.

 

I can not tell you how heartbreaking and agonizing it was to accept that at 30-somthing, my sex life might be over, because I was committed to my husband and I couldn't imagine having an affair.

 

So to find out, he did have desire and was having "sex" -- it just didn't include me feels like an affair.

[annie24]

yeah, I don't have a problem with porn as long as it is done in moderation, and does not diminish my partner's desire for me. And if it's done when say, I am not around, not choosing porn over doing stuff with me, or making plans with the family.

 

That definitely sounds like an addiction. Have you talked to your husband about how the porn habit was hurting your marriage? Does he want to work things out? Maybe this sounds extreme, but can you guys disconnect the internet at your house (I am assuming it's internet porn). The same as if someone has a drinking problem, you get all the alcohol out of the house.

[kermit]

It might just be semantics but it seems to me the real problem is the he doesn't want to have sex with you. Lots of guys use porn, I would guess are even addicted to it, but they still want 'real' sex. The question in my mind is why he doesn't want 'real' sex with you.

 

P.S. not to go off topic but masterbating three times per week shouldn't a) be considered excessive (I hope) and b) interfere with your sex life or your family life (unless he's really slow at it).

[newbie30]

Sounds like you are both working really hard to get through this- especially since he's joined a 12-step program and you are both in counseling. Since it's only been 2 months since you started working on the problem, maybe you need a little more time to see if the situation improves. It sounds like you have alot of anger towards him that would need to be released to a counselor or therapist on your own. I admire that you are sticking with it and trying to work things out- sounds a bit like working with an alcoholic after they admit they have a problem. I've heard of many support groups for wives of porn-addicts. Perhaps you could find one and see you are not the only one going through this kind of hurt and anger? Very sorry to hear about your situation.

[byates5637]

Oh my god, he was masterbating 3 or more times per week?!?! I would get him to the hospital or exorcist right away.

[newbie30]

Wait, it was only 3 times a week he was masturbating? That's not an addict. Like a previous poster said, the problem is he didn't want to have sex with you, not that he was masturbating too much. Jeez, my boyfriend masturbates way more than that, and still has sex with me everyday. We're practically porn stars at this point- we'll watch porn AND have sex while watching it! Your husband seems to have a different problem than porn-addict.

[doyathink]

Been there, have the T-shirt to prove it.

 

Some ppl will never understand what this feels like until they have had it happen to them.

 

The hate builds, and it's then that you have to decide whether you can forgive him and honestly try to make your marriage work...or leave him, knowing this is something that you just can't get over.

 

The masturbation is not what is bothering you, it's the fact that you have been replaced with porn....I understand this. As his partner, you deserve his attention and love.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

i would try to avoid classifying your husband as a 'freak' in your head because he views porn... most men view porn to varying degrees, and masturbate frequently... unless the kind of porn he is interested in is truly freaky or illegal (i.e., kiddie porn) etc., THEN he's a freak and you have a right to be really disgusted...

 

i also imagine that *most* of the neighborhood children will eventually find a copy of their own Daddy's Hustler or Playboy magazine buried under the mattress at some point, so i don't think your friends or neighbors would be suprized at all or as scandalized as you think they would be to hear your husband looks at porn... lots of wives don't object at all, as long as their own sex lives with their husbands stay healthy.

 

but porn becomes a real problem when he is using porn as his ONLY sexual outlet and is neglecting your own sex life for fantasies... you have a valid right to be angry about that... he is depriving you of a normal healthy expectation in a marriage, and that is quite selfish of him...

 

so be angry at him for being a self centered jerk, and see if you can work through your anger and perception of him as a freak with a counselor...

 

so the question becomes, can the two of you work on re-igniting your own sexual desire? i think that is where the counseling is essential for both of you...

[silentalways]

i am not a professional doctor [but i play one on tv - grey's anatomy - lol] but i would also consider things about what other factors might be relevant to the 'porn watcher/addict' - such as, is this an isolating activities they are doing and are they usually the type of person that alienates or enjoys company - because then it might not be about the 'porn'. do u know that this person has 'consciously' choosen porn over u or is it a way of 'self-punishing' for other reasons - are they depressed? is there a history of addiction? have you talked about it together? are you working together or both pretending it isn't happening? personally, i can think of any reason why someone would chooose to watch porn over beingt with their lover unless they really were having some serious stress problems. men act weird at times and can regress into denial and shame if they are not aware of what being courageous means.

 

my 2 cents

[doyathink]

I'm not laughing at you rodeo, I agree with everything you said. This was not the norm for me either. I cant say that I like the way the world is going....it's far too relaxed and ppl have forgot what moral ethics and values are.

[jimthzz]

yes, it was less pervasive 25 years ago, however, I seriously doubt your dad or your uncles were telling you about their stack of playboys or penthouse magazines and what they had 'em for.

[Cat87]

Wow, there are a lot of perspectives out there and I really appreciate most of them. I especially appreciate those that have "walked in my shoes" and can understand what I am feeling. Thanks for the ideas, the support, and for reminding me that I am not alone.

 

I always thought of myself a pretty liberal (I grew up in Southern California) and while I was never really comfortable with porn -- it makes me more nervous and uncomfortable than excited, I really thought that most men had playboys, etc. I thought it was something that men used to meet their sexual needed when they couldn't have sex with their partner. Porn addiction, like any other kind of addcition (alcohol, drug, gambling) is extremely damaging to the addict and their families. Not everybody who looks at porn is a sex addict, but I do think that even casual use has negative effects over time.

 

I never would have guessed or believed that a person would choose to masterbate over having sex with a willing partner. I am really upset and hurt that for a long time my husband choose porn over me and not just instead of me, but when he knew that our lack of sex life was hurting me.

 

This is not about looks or sex appeal. I am not overweight, I don't have green teeth or 3 eyes in the middle of my forehead. I'll put it this way, I never have to carry groceries to my car, wait for help at Home Depot or stand in line to get into a club.

 

This isn't about my husband and I not getting along either, I was floored by his confession because I thought we had a good, solid marriage. I thought we had honesty, shared morals, and emotional intimacy. Granted we didn't have much of a sex life, but my husband is older than me and told me that he just wasn't very interested in sex much anymore.

 

Part of my anger is that out of love for him, I put aside my physical needs. I went without a sex life because I loved him and was willing to accept that he no longer wanted sex. Can you understand the pain those lies caused? Try to imagine getting okay with only having sex once or twice a year for the rest of your life and then finding out that your partner had a secret sex life that didn't include you.

 

I know that most of this wouldn't have made any sense to me in my early 20s -- I couldn't have imagined being with one person for more than a couple of months and I didn't have the life experience to really understand what commitment is suppose to be and how many people you can hurt when you break vows.

[SexySadie7]

No rodeo is right. That stuff was must less social acceptable now than it was then. Of course then you didn't see a pair of almost naked breasts thrust in your face at every commercial break on tv either. And do you remember when the Playboy & the Hustler magazines were all placed in paper bags so us poor ladies weren't forced to look at some woman's naked breasts and vagina when we were buying something at the drug store? I do... i think things were alot better back then honestly.

I think alot of tv has gotten pretty pornographic, depending on the station and time of day.

Hell. i would be furious knowing that my husband had been wacking off to internet porn while i sat there frustated.. Once or twice a year.. my god. girl. you got grounds for divorce right there.

I don't know what to tell you.. You see.. pornography has been responsible breaking up many a marriage or relationship. How many.. who knows?

Obviously.. it's destroyed this lady's marriage. I don't think too much of pornography either. I think i'd rather had some guy looking at a magazine.. He'd get bored with the same magazine sooner or later.. with internet pornography. there's millions of images out there. he could spend the rest of his life at his computer masturbating.

[jimthzz]

rodeo-rider,

 

I don't dispute that you had a close relationship with your father and male relatives. I do dispute that they would share much with you about how they may or may not have looked at pictures during or not during personal moments that you are not privy to.

 

I too grew up in a large family, finding privacy is challenging and a work day is long for all of us. Nevertheless, a guy who wants to --will.

 

And unlikely to volunteer that information to his daughter or neice.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

umm... the medium for porn has changed, but there has been porn and prostitution since the beginning of time... there were actually MORE prostitutes in Victorian times than now, due to poverty and lack of work for lots of women... and there have been photos of naked women passed around since the camera was first invented.

 

so debating whether porn or sex addiction has been around more or less is not really relevant to addressing a difference in value systems in a marriage... what is important is that each person in the marriage try to understand one another's needs, and whether they want to work something out to try to compromise or not...

 

if someone's husband has vastly different morals, or an addiction that is destroying a marriage, or has stopped sexual activities with his wife, or is visiting prostitutes, ALL are problems that must be dealt with openly and hopefully without too much moral outrage, because that won't open discussion between the partners, it will close it. by that i mean, everyone must decide what is important to them and what they are willing to put up with and discuss and evaluate whether either party is willing to change to save the marriage...

 

visiting prostitutes is not acceptable by any means due to the possibility of STDs that are very serious and life threatening these days. and if a wife thinks it is disgusting or amoral for her spouse to view Playboy magazine or porn, then she needs to decide whether this is a deal breaker in a marriage. everyone is different, and has to decide their own bottom line, and go from there.

 

but honestly, if your husband has said he is not interested in sex with you anymore and uses his age or whatever other reason, it sounds like you are too young to give up sex, and don't want to live with someone you perceive as a deviant. so i'd recommend marriage counseling as a first start to deciding whether this is some gap you can bridge or not...

[Cat87]

I believe that there are things that are right and that there are things that are wrong. I never really bought into situation ethics, I am nore of a moral absolutes kind of person. I believe there are things that are morally reprehensible and I think the healthy and normal response is anger.

 

I am not in a place yet where I can even contemplate forgiveness. I am angry, and fortunately or unfortunately, I believe that my anger is justified. That kind of anger takes me a long time to work though, I have done a lot of therapy on my abusive and dysfunctional childhood and know that I can hold a grudge for a long time if you really, really hurt me. From this forum and from other conversations, I am being to see that it is just going to take time and that I may or may not stay married. I may or may not have an affair. I may or may not take his cute little fishing boat out and sink it.

 

I may get to a place where I want to have an open-honest discussion with my husband, but right now, I am not interested in making him feel comfortable or safe or trying to understand what made him think that his behavior was doing anything but harm to our marriage. I am not over the horror of the past yet and I don't think that he really is brave enough to hear what I really think right now. It amazes me that people keep telling me to think about his feelings. I feel like he has murdered part of my soul and that people keep telling me to think about how the murderer must be feeling, to be kind to him because he feels really bad about being a murderer. He should feel really bad, he has been doing really bad things for a really long time. Not simply the porn, but the lying, the sneaking, and the manipulation. He should feel like crap for a long time. If I had been doing what he has, I would not be able to stand myself.

 

This situation is testing my morales and ethics on the issue of marriage -- my husband knows that I how I feel about divorce and I think he used my beliefs to his benefit. He thinks that he can have is cake and eat it too -- I am not afaid of being alone (I have had 5 years practice) and I financially capable of supporting my children and myself. I believe in the vows that I took and I cancelled 3 engagements before I got married because I knew that I could stayed married to them for a while, but I knew I couldn't stay married to them for a lifetime.

 

I married my husband, not because I loved him any more than the others, but because we talked about values and morals and how married people behave and we agreed totally on everything. My husband was the one who wanted to get married and I have to ask myself why -- why if he wanted that lifestyle, why involve me.

[ami555]

I completely understand your anger and resentment. To you, it's a betrayal. It will take time for you to sort out your emotions. From my understanding, sexual addiction is a progressive disease. He's at the stage of masturbating to porn, which could progress to something else, or maybe not.

 

His not wanting sex with you anymore put up a red flag though. I don't want to sound ominous, but are you sure he hasn't had an affair? I've just discovered that my husband has been frequenting escorts...so I automatically think everyone is cheating on their spouse.

 

At the very least, you're financially secure and able to make a decision that's not based on how you'll survive without him financially.