He won't come to bed!

[Jlizzy]

Getting highly frustrated now.

There's a couple of frustrations in the relationship which we discussed Monday eve which lead me to not feel very special emotionally. He does a lot for me but emotionally on an intimate level I want more -more conversation, in bed, cuddles and so on.

 

Anyway one big point for me is that my bf falls asleep regularly on the couch or stays up til 6am playing games or watching tv. I'd say it happens on average at least 4 nights a week, easily 5 where I'll finally crawl into bed at 2am (which is actually too lete for me,yep after falling asleep on couch DOh!, and he doesn't get to bed til 6 or 6.30 basically when I'm getting up/getting ready to go to work!

 

I made the point that sleeping on the couch can't be good for his back (which is already hurting him) which he tried to counter with he doesn't fall asleep on couch and it doesn't hurt his back (he does fall asleep on couch regularly -he sometimes comes back with lame defenses). 2-His manager mentioned prospects of promotions together with that he needs to inform her if he's going to be working from home. He's supposed to start work at 9am but often sleeps it out and will then tell his boss he's working from home. I can't imagine this is having a positive effect on his job!

 

We're only 7.5 months together. A friend made a point "what could be more exciting than going to bed with you" Well apparently tv and playstation are on a regular basis!

 

Any advice? We had a bit of an argument about this on monday night upon which he told me he'd try. Last night as per usual I went to bed around 2am. He told me "I'm just watching the end of this and then I'll be in". I told him "I'm not saying anything" (Ie I'll believe it when I see it/I don't believe these kind of words anymore coz he's said so many times "I'll be in soon" and isn't"). Sure enough...6am he comes into bed and so now he'll no doubt either go to work late or work from home...

 

Please any advice..I'd be very grateful!

[Parky]

I seem to be exactly like your boyfriend - or was like him until my ex girl friend finished me because of what your boyfriend is doing to you.

 

I used to stay up, very late just like your boyfriend playing games, using the internet etc etc.

 

My ex didnt mind at first... but the more i did it, the more i got used to it. In the meantime she got sick of it and tried to have a few words with me and i just ignored it. It got as far as she cried because of it.

 

I look back now and i think why did i do it... i dont do it now. Want to know why i dont do it now? She finished me because of it and a number of other things. I deeply regret it. We were together for nearly 2 years and i lost the love of my life.

 

We are slowly getting back together now after 3 months apart. I wouldnt dream of doing it again!

 

My advice is tell him what you would do if he carried on, tell him you won't stand for it. Trust me it works... it effected me and made me realise.

 

Any questions just ask me.

[Jlizzy]

Wow Parky thanks for that.

 

Yes I'm hurting.

Hurting coz I'm idiot enough to let myself get hurt everytime in relationships.

And hurting because only 2 weeks ago my bf went into a big psycholoigcal analysis with myself and my bro of our family and told my bro also "if I'm not treating her the way she deservers then please tell me, I give you my permission" together with "David (my ex) was an idiot to let her go"...and my bf I feel is slowly but surely metaphorically letting go off my hand as I move further and further away

 

It seems at the moment he seesm more focussed on all the things he does for me like lifts (I can't drive just yet but am learning at the moment) and choirs around the house..but doesn't seem to see my emotional needs despite me trying to discuss it with him.

 

And yes I AM beginning to cry at my frustrations

I love him but it's hurting now to hear "I'll be in a minute" and for example this am 8.30 he strolls in and then had to rush off without a kiss or barely a goodbye...

 

Thanks for your response

 

I made a point on a differnent forum..I think perhaps the fact that he smokes pot daily obviously doesn;t help matters but if he doesn't smoke he's grumpy.

[Beec]

hhhmmm, first of all, you are getting taken for granted. Second, a fight may not be the way to address the issue.

 

OK, you probably want some intimacy in your interaction with him, but men do not need much. If you want that intimacy, he's probbaly going to need to want sex. The things that have probably caused a drop in sex drive are familairity and the fact that it is too available to him. Sorry ladies, when we are not getting any, we love to look at any woman's naked body, but when we see that same one each day, after a while it loses much of it's erotic effect on us. So change things. Do not explain why.

 

He aslso seems rather unmotivated in life. Challenge him. Challenge his manhood, do waht it take to get him motivated.

 

So, make yourself erotic and exotic, but do not do it all the time. First word, do not let hims ee you nkaed that much, that often, get a bathroobe, get pajamas, when he looktell him to stop and accuse him of being dirty or perverted or just ask for privacy. Take it away, a little, and he will want it more. Pajamas, nightgowns, lingerie, get them that run the gamut and switch. When you feel his desire tailing off, let it go a bit, and wear the grandma nighty. Then when it levels off, swtich to something classy but not revealing, then when you feel like it, up the ante, get something more risque. What you show him will influence how he feels about your body. He may think you are absolutley one of the most beautiful things he has ever laid eyes on, but if he sees the same thing everyday, he will take if for granted.

[VeganBohemian]

Sooo...why do you love him again?

[Parky]

He doesnt sound affectionate enough. You need to sit down and have a serious word otherwise it's only going to make you feel worse and worse as the days go by. Don't stand for it!

 

Just ask him to give you a kiss and a cuddle before you go to bed. Tell him to stop what he's doing otherwise you won't put up for it. I know it's hard to do but you can do it.

[VeganBohemian]

Is it just me or should you not have to tell your boyfriend of only 7.5 months to hug you and kiss you? I can see if perhaps you were together for a long time and then as time wears on you become used to each other/less affectionate. But, 7.5 months is too early for things like this! You should still be in the romance phase, if you ask me.

 

Do you live with him?

[Jlizzy]

Some good advice here.

 

Vegan: Yes we moved in together about 2 months ago.

I would think the same. Often I feel like I am in a relationship of 10 years!

 

Beec good advice however I resent having to play games in order to have a good relationship. For example I have indeed noticed that when i start backing off/ pulling away then he pulls closer..to me this is games.

One silly example..I had an issue with him, before I moved in, easily taking 10 hours to text me. But then if I don't text he can already be making comments about it after 2 hours!

 

Vegan: I think I'm holding on very much to the fantastic, amazing relationship we had in the first 2 months where we could talk for hours and were really affectionate..this seems to have died out dramatically!

 

I still love him though of course. When he does talk (which is usually just if we're out) he's really really interesting. I love hearing him talk. He's got a great sense of humour. He's assertive which I like in a man though maybe I should reconsider in future relationships (if that's what happens as I dont see a whole lot of hope for this relationship).

 

Beec he's not seeing a whole lot of me naked if he doesn't even come to bed! And apparently that's his turn on more than eg lingerie...

I have quite a high sex drive but do find it a bit difficult at times to take the iniative however it does not take me a whole lot of encouragement..

[southerngirl]

Okay if he likes to stay up and watch tv/ play playstation why not put a tv in the bedroom and get a wireless controller.

 

Then he can lay in bed with you and watch his tv. Maybe cuddle at the same time.

 

Just an idea. I know, some say tv's shouldnt be in the bedroom but me and husband regularly lay in bed together (after kids are asleep) and watch our favorite shows. We hold hands and we watch before going to bed.

[Beec]

Jlizzy, if you really have issues with games like that, then complain, moan and argue with him. See if that gets you what you want? It won't and you then get to decide, him or without him.

 

We all want to be seduced, we all want someone to put in the time and effort to show us we are woth the time and effort. Whatever time and effort it takes, should be worth it for someone who is your partner, or you should walk.

 

If he responds positively to anything, that's because he likes how it makes him feel. If you are not willing to do what it takes to make him feel that way, I feel sorry for him.

 

If it took my standing on my head in a frog suit to get my woman to feel that way, I'd be changing my name to Kermit and be syaing rrr-bit, rrr-bit.

[Jlizzy]

Putting the playstation in here is a suggestion I heard from someone else which is something to consider..not sure how the bf woudl feel about that. Can't get the tv hooked up though. As for playstation in teh ebdroom..then I worry I wouldn't get a proper nights sleep..it's a good suggestion but not ideal really.

 

Beec I see your point. Just not sure what way to go about this. I have said to him a number of times to let me know what he likes or if there's something that would help our sex life to say it.

 

I went down on him the other day (something neither of us had done for ages and he still hasn't) jsut to change the routine but that hasn't changed his habits..

I ask him during or after sex sometimes what he likes or if he liked something and his response is he likes everything. It's very hard to get something out of him that he particularly likes. As for lingerie he's told me even of an ex and they tried clothing..and for him it did nothing...he likes nakedness.

 

I'm a very affectionate person and I've tried for exmaple cuddling up to him and kissing him..and even a bit less nicey nicey/more horny/forceful but have been lightly pushed away and told he has a headache..It's very difficult to feel motivated with stuff like this.

 

Add on top of that that I'm not exactly super confident about instigating stuff and certainly not greatly confident about prancing around in front of anyone in lingerie..have however somewhat jokingly done a sexy stripping off of the clothes when going to bed...

 

I don't know..I really don't...

[Jlizzy]

Btw surely moaning and stuff about the playstation for example is only going to give rise to major arguments and me being accused of nagging and being a controller?

[Beec]

First, if you are thinking about "prancing around in lingerie" you are talking about making a direct approach. Don't, do the opposite. As things are, the sexiest thing I would tellyou to prance around in is something like this: link removed, and I would tell him you were doing it because they made you feel comfortable and classy, not sexy. I would remove the nakedness of you from his viewing area, and that should eroticize your body for him. Seeing it everyday naked has the oppostie effect.

[Jlizzy]

Hmm ok fair point..I'll go off and get myself some satin pyjamas..my best excuses anyway will be that the bed's friggin cold without him!!

[Beec]

It's easy to take for granted a body you see naked everyday. And much of that is beyond his control. If you had your favortie food everyday, soon it would probably get old and become blase, and ther is nothign you could do about it. If he see you naked all the time,soon it will beocme common. You can get the satin PJs, or even something not quite as sexy. Flannel pajamas might be the right move, but get your naked body out of his sight, and soon he should want to see it more.

[treefrogkate]

It sounds like he might be going through a depression, what with the staying up all night, letting his work suffer, sex drive going down, etc. I went through a stage like this after I dumped my ex-fiance in college, and it wrecked my grades.

 

Perhaps counseling would be in order for you both?

 

Also, if you can get him to, you should both spend some time reading up on the link removed. It's possible you are *both* feeling neglected because you are "speaking" different languages.

[chai714]

I might add that it might be helpful that you're not there 7 nights a week, waiting for him to finish his games. Have a night out with the girls, enroll in a night class, - do something that takes time away from being with him so that it will be less likely for him to take you for granted. Remember, we tend to place a higher value on that which is less available.

[Beec]

we tend to place a higher value on that which is less available.

 

I think all of what Chai said is good, but the quoted line is excellent.

[Jlizzy]

Well I tend to be more active than my bf. Have mentioned a couple of museums to him and he tells me he has no interest in them. Why would he when he can look the stuff up on the net is his argument.

 

I play soccer every tuesday night and I would go out at least once a week with friends for coffee or whatever. I used to be far more active but felt I needed to calm down a bit..ironically I slowed my pace a lot upon the request of my bf that he never had time with me and wanted more time together with me. This was back about 4 months ago.

 

Now I'm looking to ramp up my own life more as I can feel myself sinking at the moment so I need to do something!

[Beec]

Well, he might have hasked for more time with you, then once he got it his feelings changed. Feelings are dynamic. Often we ask for thigns that we really don't want. Perhaps you spend time away from him, and he wants you more, then when he asks for more time, you can tell him, NO WAY buddy, you messed that up when I gave it to you.

[candy604]

i say put a lock on the tv, buy a cabinet and put the tv in it and put a lock and you keep the key. I do that to my tv when its distracting me lol. or just take away the remote from the tv and his ps2 games. he has to grow u pand learn that this lifestyle isn't healthy.

[RayKay]

i say put a lock on the tv, buy a cabinet and put the tv in it and put a lock and you keep the key. I do that to my tv when its distracting me lol. or just take away the remote from the tv and his ps2 games. he has to grow u pand learn that this lifestyle isn't healthy.

 

I think this approach has a domineering, controlling aspect to it that is not going to be healthy for the relationship in the long run.

 

Unhealthy or not, he is an adult, and can make those decisions for himself as to how he prioritizes his time.

 

But the poster DOES have to show him she won't sit around waiting for him, and has to show that if he is going to do that there are consequences to it. I like Beec's approach in that respect.

[Helen67]

I think Beec here has made some incredibly valid points. I have personally taken alot of what he has said to heart.

 

I certainly see what he is saying about the game playing. If Jlizzy you were not taking this relationship too seriously, then it could be translated as just mere "playing games". But you obviously want it to work between you and your b/f, and for that reason he has to learn to play by the rules.

 

As much as you probably don't want to make yourself on occasions *unavailable or distant*, as you like the physical contact, I really do believe you have to take control in this situation. You have to be strong, even if you feel you may have hurt his feelings by distancing yourself. This is nothing compared to what he is doing to you 5 times a week!

 

If you really want things to change, then follow Beec's advice, I know how you feel about the whole lingerie theme, that's also not my thing, maybe it doesn't have to be so extreme, but like Beec said cover up you body, make him come to you. He has to learn that the relationship takes two.

 

You are allowing him let you do all the hard work, and you're not getting anything in return!

 

I don't think you've got to stop being a nice person, but I suppose you have to see him as a big kid, who's got too many sweets, he's stuffed himself. But eventually when those sweets have all gone, he needs to search for more....OMG what a crappy metaphor!!!

 

You know what I mean anyhow....Good luck

[Jlizzy]

Hmm well we had a bit talk about it last night and have agreed to take about an hour each evening out for each other for conversations, cuddling, sex whatever intimiate plus at least once a week doing something fun together...

 

What I didn't like is that he told me I come home and sit on the couch beside him.that I should suggest something...he has a point and it's my odd way of trying not to be rude or bossy however he does seem inclined at times to assign the blame to me on issues which is what i felt he was doing on this point. iIe as opposed to accepting 50% of the blame and making the point that I play a role too which is fair enough...

 

Raykay -I agree that any siggestion to lock up or take away the tv or ps2 is controllinga nd domineering and not something I want to do. He has to be adult enough to make this decision for himself.

[VeganBohemian]

I truly think that these types of situations are merely indicative of underlying problems not known and/or not addressed.