Are we still a couple?

[FRISCO]

I need some help. I need any help you nice people can offer.

This is my situation.

 

I have been married for 2 years. Before we got married, we were together for 21/2 years. Everything seemed so perfect even though we have a bid gap on our age. I am 46 and she is 26. That did not bother us at all or the families. We had so many things in common that the years difference never was an issue.

 

 

Now things are different. Due to a serious of differences, second thoughts about our relationship and uncertainty about what she wants in life, we are even considering going our own ways. But I love her with all my heart and I don’t want to loose her. She also says that she loves me but that she is confused.

It hurts to know that it’s over between us.

 

That is the dilemma now. Basically, we broke up three weeks ago but we still live under the same roof.

We have had some strong arguments about the relationship and things that we are doing right now.

She is not wearing her wedding ring anymore, I asked why and she gave me some vague reasons like we are not together any more, we have broken up, etcetera, etcetera.

 

We are not having any kind of romantic contact, even though the other day when I said good night she huged me and we started to kiss very passionate and to touch each other to the point that I thought we were going to have sex, but as she got all over me, she got cold and stopped, so did I.

She does not want to talk about our situation whenever I bring it up nor she wants to seek proffesional counseling.

 

What can I do? Or where can I go from here?

 

Thanks a bunch!!!!

[Alezia]

Hum, I've never been married before so I can't really help you out on that point. Assuming you want to honor your wedding vows though, you can't exactly just walk out of the situation.

 

I'd suggest giving her a bit of downtime and start doing your own activities: going out more, get a new hobby etc... so you aren't on her case all the time and you look more interesting as a person.

 

Does she feel like she was pressured in moving on with her life too fast? Or was this her first serious relationship? She might start to feel that the lifestyle for her age isn't the same as yours

[BeStrongBeHappy]

i think you have hit that wall that a lot of age gap relationships hit... 20 years is a large gap, and you started together when she still was barely out of school and probably doesn't really know what she wants or who she is...

 

because of your age, you have had more single experiences, and you know who you are and what you want, and she may feel differently, like she never really had time to be young and single...

 

sometimes a real separation (not in the same house) can help at this point for her to try to find what she wants exclusive of you, but the risk is very high that she might choose to stay single and divorce.

 

i really do think your best hope is counselling, but if she won't attend, then there is nothing much you can do about it. i would try to talk to her about it as much as you can, to try to negotiate into your lives together whatever she needs to be happy.. i.e., does she want to go to school? or spend more time going out? or travel some with you? you need to try to allow her freedom in the relationship to develop, but she may or may not want to put that effort in or to stay within the context of a marriage...

 

good luck, i hope you can talk it out with her.

[The Law]

Its no good that you left out what these exact differences ,what second thoughts and hesitations she has, because they are essensial as they are the root of the problem. If you can please post them.

[Hope75]

So I guess the question is...

 

if you are 'broken up', living under the same roof as room mates, and she isn't willing to go to counseling, and neither of you is talking about it- where does it go from here?

 

It certainly cannot stay as it is- something needs to be done, if nothing else, one of you needs to move out.

 

Have you talked about what the next move is? (i.e. seperation by someone moving out, filing for divorce, etc?)

 

Why is she unwilling to go to counseling?

[FRISCO]

Hum, I've never been married before so I can't really help you out on that point. Assuming you want to honor your wedding vows though, you can't exactly just walk out of the situation.

 

I'd suggest giving her a bit of downtime and start doing your own activities: going out more, get a new hobby etc... so you aren't on her case all the time and you look more interesting as a person.

 

Does she feel like she was pressured in moving on with her life too fast? Or was this her first serious relationship? She might start to feel that the lifestyle for her age isn't the same as yours

 

Dear Mousty,

thank you for your post,

Of course I want to honor my wedding vows and not just walk away.

I really appreciate your sugestions.

About her, feeling presured about moving on with her life too fast, that is a fact, she told me that.

She was in a previous relationship for four years before we started dating.

Maybe you are right about the life style of both of us. Although, we used to do a lot of things together, we did not have a problem before.

 

Thank you again!

[L.J.]

Maybe you are right about the life style of both of us. Although, we used to do a lot of things together, we did not have a problem before.

 

With the age difference, lifestyle might not have posed a problem when both are younger. Now at 26, it's normal if she is anxious about accomplishments in life. Both of you are probably at a very different point with your career too.

 

Do you have kids? Have you guys talked about children before? This can be a touchy subject with the age gap. The question of having kids might not be an issue for both when she was younger, could potentially bring a lot anxiety now with your age.

 

Things you like to do together then could be different now. Do you have problem socializing with her friends, a group of twenty-something's? Does she have problem with yours, probably most with teenage kids?

[FRISCO]

Dear BEHAPPYBESTRONG,

 

I think you said it right….”I hit that wall that s lot of gap relationship hit”…

She does not know what she wants.

I agreed with you about the separation and not under the same roof. The problem is that she does not want me to go, nor she would leave. We are buying our house and that may be another problem if we decide to separate. One of us couldn’t take care of the financial responsibility of the house.

 

 

Thank you for your words!

[FRISCO]

Its no good that you left out what these exact differences ,what second thoughts and hesitations she has, because they are essensial as they are the root of the problem. If you can please post them.

 

DEAR THE LAW,

 

 

One of the differences has to do with my teenager kids, 15 and 17. She thinks that they get away with everything, that they use me and that they don't appreciate me, but I don't agree. As an example, last month was my birthday and they did not call me to wish me a happy birthday. They don't live with me and I only see them every other week or so. Besides they practice Jehovah Witnesses Religion and as you know they don't celebrate birthdays. It did not bother me at all, but she was upset by it. I have tried to reason with her but she closes her self off on the subject. She has never being a parent. I know that she may be jealous of them.

 

She has second thoughts about being married saying that may be she was not ready. That we were so wrapped into each other at first that she did not really had time to think if she wanted to be married. That she said yes when I proposed because what was she supposed to say……NO?

 

When I ask about the hesitations and her worries, she has no answers, except that she is confused and does not know what she wants.

 

I hope this gives more info, so you guys can help me….

 

THANK YOU SO MUCH!

[Scout]

Has anything else changed? Has she started a new job, gone back to school...anything different that you can think of? What I'm getting at is...is there anything going on with her life where she's getting exposed to new people? Also, do you know if she's in contact with her ex that she was with for four years?

 

I hate to tell you where I'm going with this....but, this is a sudden switch in behavior the way you're describing it. And sometimes, this is caused by someone else entering the picture.

[FRISCO]

"Have you talked about what the next move is? (i.e. seperation by someone moving out, filing for divorce, etc?)

 

Why is she unwilling to go to counseling?"

 

Dear Hope 75,

First of all thank you for your post.

Yes, I have talked to her about the next move and the answer is the same

"I don't know" or "why are you pressing me with those questions"...or "I still thinking about and I don't know".

About counseling she said no because it is too late now...meaning it's over between us I guess. It is so confusing sometimes that I think I will go nuts : (

[FRISCO]

With the age difference, lifestyle might not have posed a problem when both are younger. Now at 26, it's normal if she is anxious about accomplishments in life. Both of you are probably at a very different point with your career too.

 

Do you have kids? Have you guys talked about children before? This can be a touchy subject with the age gap. The question of having kids might not be an issue for both when she was younger, could potentially bring a lot anxiety now with your age.

 

Things you like to do together then could be different now. Do you have problem socializing with her friends, a group of twenty-something's? Does she have problem with yours, probably most with teenage kids?

 

Dear L. J,

Our life styles are about the same. We have no problem in that aspect.

Our careers are are not a problem either.

I do have kids from my previuos marriage and we have talked about having kids but she said she is not ready yet. I don't mind either way, and I would love to have one with her.

About socializing with friends we never had any problems. her friends are my friend and my are hers.

 

Thank you for being there!

[FRISCO]

Has anything else changed? Has she started a new job, gone back to school...anything different that you can think of? What I'm getting at is...is there anything going on with her life where she's getting exposed to new people? Also, do you know if she's in contact with her ex that she was with for four years?

 

I hate to tell you where I'm going with this....but, this is a sudden switch in behavior the way you're describing it. And sometimes, this is caused by someone else entering the picture.

 

Hi Scout,

Nothing has changed that I am aware of. She is still working the same job. No school. Maybe getting exposed to new people because at her job, the turn over is crazy, and she tells me about the new ones, but nothing really like "they hired this new guy that is so cute, or the girls are crazy abut him" or something like that. I know she has a new girl friend from work and she hangs out with her sometimes, but that's about it.

She told me that she saw the ex not long ago and exchanged a few words but nothing else. I have asked her if she is interested in somebody else and she said no. Right now we spend almost all our time together and I don't see her interested in doing something different.

For example, last wednesday was our day off. We spent the whole day doing things together. We had lunch, we went to the library, went to the movies and then went home and spent the rest of the evening watching TV.

I know that is sound confusing, but that is how it is with our lifes right now.

Later that night she came to my room and huged me and kiss me like everything is normal between us...??????????. I asked why she was doing that and she says that she did it because she misses me...???????? but still has douts about getting back together. Sometimes I feel used or that she is toying with me and I hate that.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

Frisco...

 

it almost sounds like she is trying the idea of leaving you on for size, without actually doing it yet... i.e., living with you while thinking of maybe leaving, but not sure yet... people always go through an emotional/mental separation before they physically leave...

 

but the fact that she says she 'misses you' even when you're together does give an indication of where her head is... she is seeing this as a transition period, and has moments when she remembers the good things and reconsidered what she's been thinking about...

 

i would keep trying to get her into counseling if you can... she's kind of sitting the fence right now, not participating fully in the marriage, but not leaving. you need to talk to her about her plans, and decide how long you want to let her drift in this limbo state... it must be really hard on you not knowing what is going on, and she really should talk to you more about her feelings rather than just making the vague references she has been making... you can't read her mind, and she seems to expect you to.

[moonbeam111]

Frisco,

I think that there is a lot of hope in your marriage. You may want to visit a website link removed and get some tools on how to rebuild your marriage. Some of her needs are not met and she probably does not have the right language to talk about them. I am so glad that you value your marriage and are willing to work on it.

Good luck!

 

P.S. Scout may be on something here. Confusion, kisses and hugs (feeling guilty?), and her refusal to seek counseling... She may not be engaged in a physical affair, but she might have an emotional affair. In any way, her behavior is very inconsistent and that's why I agree with Scout on that.

[FRISCO]

Dear BestrongBehappy,

I tank you immensely for your input. I fallowed some of your advise and it seems like things are getting better. We talked today and I think we are getting somewhere. I would let you know more latter….

 

Frisco

[FRISCO]

Dear moonbeam,

When I read your words they helped a lot to realized that you were right. There is hope and I think we are in the right path so far. We talked and pretty much we are back together. I am going to work even harder to understand her, and meet her needs and to try a different way to communicate for the sake of our marriage.

 

Thank you so much for your kind advises!!!

[candy604]

hrm..you should go to marriage counsuelling and really work on ur marriage. Don't give up! there's so many obstacles to go through- good and bad times don't forget about the those vows you both took at the alter. remind her of that!

[FRISCO]

hrm..you should go to marriage counsuelling and really work on ur marriage. Don't give up! there's so many obstacles to go through- good and bad times don't forget about the those vows you both took at the alter. remind her of that!

 

Hi candy,

I hear you, thank you for your kind words!

[FRISCO]

to use latter,

 

N/C Tips

 

 

 

 

 

no sexualy attracted