Shifting the power in relationships

[ZZZ]

For those of you in long term relationships, does the power change from you onto your partner ? Does one have more than the other in your relationship.

Do you ever feel a little needy, and they feed off it, and become a little more aloof, and when this happens do you take a step back, to not become too much of a push over , so that they will try harder.

 

lol, Does any of this make any sense ????

Just basically wandering, if any of you need to adjust yourselfs acoordingly in order not to be the underdog in your relationship.

 

I just came home from a dinner out with a couple. I have known them since they were newly weds, At first he bent over backwards to make her happy, it was so obvious how much he loved her, well today, about 4 years later it is a much different story.

 

She is almost ill at ease with him. She wouldn't order a drink unless he did, anything she said he rolled his eyes, ....it was awful, and I felt sorry for her.

 

I want so much to tell her to stand up for yourself, take charge of the situation.

 

I see this often in relationships, where one person is in control.

 

In my own relationship the powers have also changed, it was after a long time of my bf chasing me , and doting all over me, when we broke up, then I seen the light and saw him for who he was , and truly fell in Love. Know I am a bit insecure, wandering if he loves me as much as he once did.

[skyjuice]

Hi

 

Is she currently working or stay at home mom?

[ZZZ]

She just turned 47, he's 50.

 

They were high school sweethearts, they both went their separate ways after school. It wasn't until about 5 years ago that they hooked up again, after all that time.

 

At first it was so romantic between them, today its almost painful.

[Momene]

It DOES make sense and the power ebbs and flows all the time! I've been married 17 years and I've seen a lot of changes. I think that the power changes when one person makes a mistake and has to spend a few days making up for it. The next time you see this couple, they may be back to normal.

 

Also my wife and I have drifted apart and back together several times. At the moment we are distant because I'm away a lot on business.

[texami]

momene and rodeo described it pretty well... i've been married 15 years, and it all depends on what's going on in your lives. a good relationship can change with the circumstances and survive.

 

for me, i was always feeling independent and even the one taking care of my husband... putting him thru school, working through some really tough times due to his problems, making more money... stuff like that.

 

now that we have finally had a couple of kids, it seems all opposite. he's taking care of us money-wise and i'm the one who needs to lean on him for that (i quit my career to stay home) and emotional support. i've got to say that it isn't fun being in that situation, but we're hanging in there!!

 

i think that if the person who is temporarily the powerful one (or the less needy one) does not take advantage of the situation, things work out much better.

[chocolady]

The one who has least power in a relationship is the one who loves the most. Unfair but in my experience so true.

[ZZZ]

Thank-you for your comments.

 

From an outsider , looking in on this relationship it is too easy to be judgemental, and think to myself...SNAP OUT OF IT !!!!

 

but being on the inside of it, in my own relationship, but not to the degree of whats going on with my friends, its a little harder, and not a nice place to be. For me I go out of my way to be a little distant, when inside I am screaming "get closer "

 

until the feeling of equalness comes back inside my own head....I wont let him see me sweat.

Do the rest of you ever fake your confidence to see if you can change things up ?

[RayKay]

Interesting question.

 

I have seen this in SOME relationships.

 

The healthy relationships I have seen, like that of my mum and stepfather and now my current one it's an ebb and flow. It is not about "power" as much as whom may have more needs versus more to give at any one time.

 

It's more about a partnership than it is about a control or fiduciary arrangement. In the past I was in relationships as you describe, where I always felt on edge, or felt the constant need to impress him, and not be myself for example. He did have the power.

 

But, my relationship now, it is not like that. We both show willingly each other our strengths, and our weaknesses without that fear of being criticized or taking advantage of. He is there to support me as I am him when we are going through our life crisis' without that fear of losing power, because we know it is shared power rather than ultimate power.

 

My parents for example, she has always been rather independent, he the one that needed more maybe. But she got sick last year and had been going through treatments all year, and not as able as usual. Rather than resist his help, she willingly accepted it, and he willingly accepted the role of being her supporter without holding it over her, and without her losing her own sense of strength either.

 

Maybe the difference becomes in when there is respect for what the other person IS, and WHOM they are frailities and all; rather than a respect or admiration of whom they "represent" or WHAT they do in the larger social sphere?

[ZZZ]

Ray Kay, it sounds as if you have it figured out. The key is to be self confident, and find a partner who is as well.

 

Chocolet, I think that you are right ....and it is a shame that sometimes the nicer you are too someone , the more they become un-nice.

 

In my own relationship , the powers has changed a bit....not in a real bad way, not anything that I can quite put a finger on either, its subtle, but its their. I will not let that happen.....

 

Basically I am wandering if this is what other people have to do from time to time.

 

With my friends that I was talking about on the first post....she is so far the underdog right now, he has hardly any respect for her anymore. She is a smart , well educated woman, when she is away from him she comes accross as real confident, very well self assured, and does a complete 180 when they are together.

 

I have told her to stand up to him, but ya can only say so much, and considering that I dont even know if she realizes that this is happening. I think that I only noticed it , and wanted to talk about it here, because I am kinda experiencing it as well.But to a much more minor degree.

[Survictor]

Does this happen because the couple are not fulfilling one another's emotional needs at that particular time, I wonder? I have recently had a heart to heart with my husband about his irritation with me (rolling the eyes and such) and it makes me extremely upset and angry. Why would he put me down like that? Why would anyone do so to someone they love?

 

It does impact on my self esteem and thereforeeee, I am less likely to be the real confident, self assured me. I am a performer and so I have to be confident!

 

Perhaps this is why they do it! They are afraid that we will shine when we are away from them? Is it fear? Do they feel that we are more likely to remain with them if they make us more dependent on them?

 

Similarly, the more this occurs, the more dependent on them you become and the less respect they have for you and so I guess it is really important that we maintain our own identity away from our husband/boyfriend/partner.

[ZZZ]

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Similarly, the more this occurs, the more dependent on them you become and the less respect they have for you and so I guess it is really important that we maintain our own identity away from our husband/boyfriend/partner.

 

Exactly Survictor, Today while my man was at work, I went to his house, got his fire going, filled his wood box, let the dogs out. ....... He was supposed to be here for dinner (which I slaved over ), an hour ago !!!!!!

[caro33]

Agree. Unfortunately it's one of those perverse things that the more you try and preserve a relationship sometimes, the more the other person takes you for granted.

 

It is vital to sometimes just be busy with your own thing. It doesn't have to be disrespectful or secretive, just something like 'honey, just so you know, I won't be home tomorrow night. I am going to Sandra's house for a while and will be back by 10pm. You can get your own dinner, right?'

[skyjuice]

Hi

 

This is an interesting topic.

 

"The nicer you treat them, the more they take you for granted."

 

I felt it in my previous relationship. I treated my ex very well. Sent him present for birthday, wait for him to get online. Never argue with him. He disappeared 2 weeks before my birthday. He did not even sent me birthday present this year. 2 months later, he just email me to break up with me.

 

I experience this even with work colleauges at my old work place. One of my colleagues took me for granted asked me to fetch her back home when her car broke down. She treat me well only for that day, the day after that she stab my back. Accused me of things I did not do.

 

At my new work place, I would not be so nice to my work colleagues because I scared I am being taken advantages of. So no, I am not going to fetch any colleagues home again. I think it is part of a protective measure for myself.

[skyjuice]

Does this happen because the couple are not fulfilling one another's emotional needs at that particular time, I wonder? I have recently had a heart to heart with my husband about his irritation with me (rolling the eyes and such) and it makes me extremely upset and angry. Why would he put me down like that? Why would anyone do so to someone they love?

 

It does impact on my self esteem and thereforeeee, I am less likely to be the real confident, self assured me. I am a performer and so I have to be confident!

 

Perhaps this is why they do it! They are afraid that we will shine when we are away from them? Is it fear? Do they feel that we are more likely to remain with them if they make us more dependent on them?

 

Hi

 

I think it has a lot to do with tradition. Traditionally, man is the bread winner of the family and woman is the supporter behind him. They scared that once we are more successful that they are, we might leave them. Or may be it is because they couldn't readjust their foot steps, to be proud of their woman. To be the supporter or the man behind the successful woman.