Ever feel so jaded you just dont wanna anymore

[n83]

I haven't really liked a guy in a really long time, to the point I get butterflies and all that gooey stuff. That being said, I think something's wrong with me. I don't know if I'm normal, just going through a phase, or what..

 

I got asked out by two different guys in the last week, mostly as a result of my high school reunion. One of them is just not my type but fun to hang out with. The other, I haven't gone out with him yet, but either way...

 

I just don't care. I meet guys, I don't feel a connection. I always find things I don't like. Then I start thinking about how I don't want to start all over, doing the same dating BS over and over again, blah blah blah. It's so tiring. I'm at the point where I don't care if I'm alone forever or not. I don't think I can deal with another guy, his ex, his porn, his jealousy, his drama, any of that crap. It's unreal but I can't even show physical affection any more. If a guy ever tries to kiss me, I push him away. I don't get that turned on by any guys any more. I can't picture myself kissing a guy or falling in love with one.. It just seems so far from where I'm at now, not even wanting to talk to or hang out with any guys..

 

Any1 else going through this?? I really don't know if this is something I should seek help for or what..

[friscodj]

I just don't care. I meet guys, I don't feel a connection. I always find things I don't like. Then I start thinking about how I don't want to start all over, doing the same dating BS over and over again, blah blah blah. It's so tiring. I'm at the point where I don't care if I'm alone forever or not.

 

HA! What I quoted above, word-for-word, period-for-period, space-for-space, letter-for-letter (just switch "guy" to "woman") is how I feel.

 

And you know what? I've felt this way before and soon thereafter found myself in a relationship nonetheless.

 

What you describe is normal I think. A lot of people I know have gone through this phase before. And it is a phase.

 

It also happens to feel quite good. Savor it, savor your independence, your freedom, because I've also seen many times this is when love finds you and throws your well-laid plans to be alone forever out the window...funny how that works...

[n83]

But.. this phase has lasted like, years...

I think I love my independence too much. I hate the relationship issues. I mean, look around ENA at all the crap people put up with in relationships. Ex boyfriends or girlfriends.. porn/gambling/sex addictions... money problems... trust issues... just the thought of dealing with that again makes me want to puke. Or have a panic attack. I think I have like, relationship phobia, if there is such a thing. Just the idea of possibly having to start all over again with some guy makes me want to curl up in a little ball and never go out again.

This can't be normal.. ??

[DizzyDoris]

Hey n83, i'd say it is pretty normal. I take it you went through a really bad breakup? I felt like this for 3 1/2 years after the father of my children left me. Didnt want to know. Didnt meet anyone i connected with, and was determined to stay single for ever and never go through that hurt again.

 

Then last year i half heartedly started dating again, nothing ever came of it because if they showed me any afection i shied away and got cold feet, so that was the end of that! Then this year, purely by chance i got back in touch with a great friend from my past who i'd lost touch with. He too has been through a tough time with his ex and we started dating now 2 months later, i am happier than ive ever been, and im willing to put my heart on the line for this guy, i trust him 100%,and he treats me like a princess.

 

I dont really have a point here, i guess im trying to say just enjoy your single time, live life for YOU and this phase wont last forever and its normal. When the right guy comes along, you wont feel this way anymore.

[friscodj]

It sounds to me like you aren't completely over the situation with your ex in the sense you are holding onto beliefs that the situation with your ex is going to happen again with another guy completely independent of your ex. What logically and sensibly leads you to believe the character and actions of one man translate to that of another man?

 

And as far as your independence goes, hold onto to what you love. When the timing is right, as far as meeting a guy with whom you share a good fit and strong connection and when you are at a place to open up and pursue a relationship with such a man, I don't think this will be a problem for you.

 

Also, perhaps instead of thinking about meeting someone new and "starting all over" again a chore, as you allude to above, think of it as the start of journey that both towards something and in and of itself could very well be the best thing that has ever happened to you.

[need2bme]

Hey, I started getting really jaded and just plain mad.

 

Then I met a beautiful person, 2 weeks ago. Then, she too put on the breaks and I thought, "see, it is eexactly how I thought it would be". But, ya know what, it is her, not me. If it is something I did, she could tell me so I could work on it. If it isn't, then it is just her.

 

So, for a couple of weeks, heaven. Sure, I got a little jaded again and thought, man, this is starting to suck. But, regardless of the reasons why, regardless of hangups (hers or mine), she did ask ME out. We did date. We did have wonderful times.

 

She IS hot and sexy and fun to be around and if not with me, she will make someone really happy. So, again,

 

She dated me. She chose to date me and not my friends. So, for 2 weeks, (yeah, I know) perfect. So, now all I have to do (with her or someone else) is to find a way to lengthen it.

 

Gotta love figuring out the opposite sex.

[Celestial Fire]

n83, I feel precisely the same way.

 

I have no energy and no desire left to pursue anything with a man. In the last 7 years, I've had 4 major failed relationships and at least a dozen false starts -- in which a man professed all-consuming interest in me, and then inexplicably disappeared without explanation. Often to show up again, like a bad penny, and attempt to "rekindle" a flame that hadn't even been lit to begin with. Ugh.

 

Like you, I can't even contemplate putting up with the exhausting baggage that is dragged into your life and unpacked bit by sordid bit: ex-wives, ex-girlfriends, "troubled" children, money problems, unresolved childhood issues, inability to commit to anything or anyone, and the old standby -- absolute refusal to let go of or get over hurts inflicted on him by another woman and making me the convenient dumping ground for his anger, bitterness, and distrust.

 

A couple of months in, and the law of diminishing returns sets in. Every minute of happiness is followed by five minutes of misery. It's like I'm pushing quarters into a slot machine as fast as I can, but my return is pennies to the dollar. When the whole thing is finally, mercifully over, I'm emotionally and psychologically exhausted and even less inclined to start over again with someone else.

 

When I was a teenager, I remember older women telling me not to waste my time dating, and to avoid marriage completely. They seemed bitter and tired, and I felt sorry for them that they'd obviously had unusually bad luck with men (or were emotional weaklings) and had allowed a bad experience to warp their outlook. Now I have some sense of why they felt that way...

 

I'm sure there are lots of men who feel the same way about women. I think the bottom line is that there just aren't enough whole men/women to go around. Me, I don't know how long I'll feel this way. Maybe for good. I want a happy life, and if that means a single life, then so be it. I've been alone for so long, even within relationships, that nothing about it frightens me anymore. Much of my solitude was forced on me by the men I was dating (my life revolved around their schedules, and when they had time for me, I could have some attention), but as hard as its been, it's made me strong enough that I no longer need anyone in my life. And if a man is going to be more trouble than he's worth, I no longer want anyone in my life.

[Clementine orange]

Unfortunately, I can agree with much of what has been said in this thread - genders reversed of course. Is this a sign of the times?

One poster said "the law of diminishing returns" and that is exactly right. I see this horrible re-occurring pattern and I'm just tired of it.

I still have hope but you know, sometimes I'd rather just read a good book or go hiking or something.

It's the baggage, the issues, the games, the comptetition - it's just become a chore instead of fun.

Maybe we all just need a break from all this junk, personally I'm gonna go get one of those excellent ginger spice lattes from Starbucks. Now that's satisifaction

[n83]

Hey dizzy doris and frisco

What logically and sensibly leads you to believe the character and actions of one man translate to that of another man?

 

It wasn't just one bad breakup, one crappy ex.. it's been every relationship I've ever had (and that's plenty, believe me). Even the guys I thought were normal and nice have turned out to be complete freaks. I think this started when I broke up this this guy I thought was everything I wanted, and he turned out to be a pathological liar (totally not exaggerating at all, he made up a fake best friend and then killed him off....)

 

I'm glad I'm not the only one that feels like this though.. so I appreciate hearing all your comments about it. Sometimes I really think that despite all the ways we have to communicate with each other, people are getting more and more isolated.. it's so much harder to date, there's so much drama involved... I don't want to end up alone but I really don't see anything good happening for me..

 

personally I'm gonna go get one of those excellent ginger spice lattes from Starbucks.

 

Yeah, food = my happy

[Cardinal]

Maybe it would help to take a long hard look at what you value most about relationships and the positives that come from them. If might even help us get a better feel for why you are jaded with it all. What are the most important good things that have come from relationships in your past? At this point, you are obviously noting more negatives and particularly more negative emotions associated with relationships. Let us know the flip side.

 

The truth of the matter for some people is that their lives really are better without being in a relationship. But be very careful not to contemplate that too deeply while you have the negative emotions fuming all over the place. You have to be able to take those emotions and set them aside and evaluate what goals you can achieve inside and outside of relationships. Then see which option brings you more happiness. And how best to achieve balance in it all.

 

Another less black and white possibility is to alter the nature of relationships you are in. Perhaps you can mold a relationship that avoids some of the negatives you have experienced in you past?

[n83]

What are the most important good things that have come from relationships in your past? At this point, you are obviously noting more negatives and particularly more negative emotions associated with relationships. Let us know the flip side.

 

Wow ... good point Cardinal.. although I can honestly say I haven't gotten anything good from my past relationships.. Just a lot of bad memories I guess..

[friscodj]

Wow ... good point Cardinal.. although I can honestly say I haven't gotten anything good from my past relationships.. Just a lot of bad memories I guess..

 

I believe this is the root of the roots of your problem here. I can definitely see this negative attitude poisoning potential relationships for you.

 

So you haven't shared any good times with a partner? Nothing was learned, in both what you seek in a relationship and your treatment in such or how you could be a better partner in these ways to someone else? Not even in seeing what you don't want or who you don't want to have relationships with? And do you think future relationships and love interests will be like those of the past?

 

Those are some good questions to ponder and answer for yourself...

 

I can understand the effect your past experiences have had on you but you really need to get over them and this attitude. Either you are overstating your place with this or not looking in the right places for what you think you don't have in the way of positivity in your past experiences. I suggest you start looking deeper and give your past experiences the benefit of the doubt on the side of positivity, even if in ways you would neither expect nor desire.

[n83]

So you haven't shared any good times with a partner? Nothing was learned, in both what you seek in a relationship and your treatment in such or how you could be a better partner in these ways to someone else? Not even in seeing what you don't want or who you don't want to have relationships with? And do you think future relationships and love interests will be like those of the past?

 

Ooh good point frisco..

actually yes one good thing about all the crappy relationships is that I know what kind of guy I want to be with, but only the wrong ones are actually interested and I'm not sure why I keep attracting them.

But you're right, I'm definitely pretty negative.. I didn't really have any fun in my past relationships, in all honesty.. Most of them were very negative/unhealthy and the good times were very few and far between.

[friscodj]

Well, first of all, only the wrong one have been interested in the past. In the past. Sooner or later, I believe it pretty much inevitiable you will meet a good guy, there will be mutual interest, and there will be a relationship. That is not what I'm concerned about at all.

 

I think your job should be to get ready for that opportunity when it comes. Do some thinking and exploring now. When you are in the relationship, realize and catch yourself when you are being negative in the relationship. Check it with reason. Why am I being this way? Does the relationship/he deserve this negativity? What effect is it having on my happiness and the relationship? When you catch yourself falling into these negative thought patterns, catch them and replace them with positive thoughts, or at least neutralize them. In time, in doing this, hopefully things will get better and easier.

[n83]

I think your job should be to get ready for that opportunity when it comes. Do some thinking and exploring now. When you are in the relationship, realize and catch yourself when you are being negative in the relationship.

 

You are very, VERY right Frisco.. Unfortunately the negativity surfaces well before the relationship starts. It usually happens like, the minute I get asked out ... I'm definitely gonna do what you recommend, think about how I can get my mind right before any relationships ...

 

I have a date this weekend so I'm going to try to be positive and upbeat and not automatically assume the worst......!!!

 

I hope the other people who responded and said they feel the same way read what you wrote.

 

Now the more important question for you frisco: HOW ARE YOU SINGLE?!

[need2bme]

What causes the negativity? How about looking at the source.

 

Is it how they look? How you look or see yourself? Do you automatically start wondering if they are marraige potential or at least lengthy relationship potential?

 

I used to think longer than the first date and that is not how it should be. One day at a time, right?

 

Besides, can you ask them to go to somewhere that really will take your mind off the date? Do you like art, comedy, WWE?

[need2bme]

Now the more important question for you frisco: HOW ARE YOU SINGLE?!

 

OMG! I missed this one! Too funny!

[n83]

What causes the negativity? How about looking at the source.

 

Is it how they look? How you look or see yourself? Do you automatically start wondering if they are marraige potential or at least lengthy relationship potential?

 

Umm.. all of the above Seriously.. I'll start coming up with 10 different reasons why I shouldn't date them. To be fair, most of the guys I have done this with really ARENT my type and I don't want to waste my time or theirs.. but I've (very very occasionally, because I don't meet them very often) done this to guys I could see myself with.

[Batya33]

Why not consider that the common denominator in all your relationships is. . . you. So, why not make two lists - one that contains your wants out of a relationship - and try not to be too abstract as in "true love" - and one list that has your "needs" - then consider not who is attracted to you but the type of guy to whom you are attracted (which might be different from what you "need").

 

You can look at ENA - or the tabloids- or your neighbors - and see bad relationships everywhere. But I hope if you decide that a relationship is not for you it does not have to do with that type of perspective - I hope it is an affirmative choice from a positive place inside of you.

[n83]

consider not who is attracted to you but the type of guy to whom you are attracted (which might be different from what you "need").

 

I have a clear idea of the type of men I'm attracted to... Unfortunately I just don't know many of them at all! Although I do have a horrendous crush on this guy that's in one of my classes...

 

it's not that I don't think relationships are for me ... I HOPE they are ... but constantly meeting guys that are shallow/inconsiderate/pimp wannabes is really frustrating ...

[friscodj]

Hey n83-

 

It sounds like you are using forethought and negativity as a defense mechanism of sorts. Realize too that this negativity, this pattern of sabotage, is what you know as normal and comfortable. So when you start taking steps to counteract this pattern of sabotage (because that is what it is), it will not and should not feel "right" to you. Realize this because it is very important. Expect this change to not quite feel "right" to you, it is nesessary to do so. "Normal" for you has you stuck in a rut. This change is going to be tough and not feel right, that's how it should be.

 

As far as your date this weekend, just focus on the date itself, focus on having fun. Don't think too far ahead! Really watch yourself and catch and replace the negativity like I described earlier. Give him the fair shake he deserves and give yourself what you deserve in the way of a fair shake at a relationship, a fair shake at happiness like this.

 

Wipe the slate clean, start from scratch, and even if things don't work out with this guy, at least you took steps towards developing better thought patterns in relationships.

 

As far as your question to me...well...I think I just haven't met her yet and I'd rather be single than settle for an unfilling situation for both of us...sort of like your situation really...

[langford]

I think we should just revert back to the time when you just picked a wife gave her father some cows and got on with it.

[need2bme]

Give him the fair shake he deserves and give yourself what you deserve in the way of a fair shake at a relationship, a fair shake at happiness like this.

 

Amen, Frisco.

 

We so many times don't realize we DESERVE a fair shake. We can be like all the other people sitting around, laughing and having fun. ;-)

[n83]

It sounds like you are using forethought and negativity as a defense mechanism of sorts. Realize too that this negativity, this pattern of sabotage, is what you know as normal and comfortable. So when you start taking steps to counteract this pattern of sabotage (because that is what it is), it will not and should not feel "right" to you. Realize this because it is very important. Expect this change to not quite feel "right" to you, it is nesessary to do so. "Normal" for you has you stuck in a rut. This change is going to be tough and not feel right, that's how it should be.

 

Yes, yes, yes, and yes. I concur. Excellent insights as always! I will definitely give this guy a fair shot, or at a minimum, I'll just smile politely and enjoy my dinner even if the date turns out to be a bust I expect this will be hard to do but I am definitely going to make a conscious effort to change my thinking patterns, even if it makes me uncomfortable to do so...

 

We so many times don't realize we DESERVE a fair shake.

 

yeah.. Unfortunately....

[n83]

As far as your question to me...well...I think I just haven't met her yet and I'd rather be single than settle for an unfilling situation for both of us...sort of like your situation really...

 

You'll find her, you're a great guy.