Me and my divorce

[GoatBoy]

Hi everyone. I have recently started the whole process of getting a divorce after being unhappy for the past year or two. I think the scary thing is though that I don't feel bad about it. Maybe I am numb, or maybe i just know this is the right thing to do. We have two sons together and the only people i am worried about hurting by doing this is them.

My reasons for divorce may seem a bit petty, but I am tired of having to take out loans to pay back her debt, I am tired of her accusing me constantly of having an affair, I am tired of not being able to rest for 5 minutes after getting home after 2 hours in traffic because she expects me to instantly be in the mood for cleaning or cooking or telling her about my day, I am tired of being ignored when I try to talk about our problems, I am tired of always being made out as the bad guy and the one who caused all these problems in the first place. I have had my fair share of problems but at least I can admit to them.

As I read once, a divorce doesnt mean a couple doesnt understand eachother, but maybe that for the first time they have at last begun to.

I am not going to ask how I should feel because whatever anyone says isnt going to change that, what I am going to ask is why DONT I feel? Is it because I know its right or because I am numbing myself to any feelings.

[Siriana]

Probably because you were unhappy for the past year or two - so all that time you were preparing yourself for divorce, thinking about it, deciding what is the right thing to do.... So in that time you prepared yourself for divorce before even starting the process of divorce legaly - in your mind it started way earlier and it is already finished.

I hope that made some sense to you.

I've never been married but I experienced something similar with my bf of 2 years. I decided to brake up with him and the only thing I felt was relief and happyness that I am free again. I was thinking about a brake up for at least 8 months. I was unsure and a lot of things were going on and when I finally decided to brake up with him it has been sorted in my mind long time ago before the actual brake up.

 

p.s. I really like that avatar you're having.

[BellaDonna]

Hi and welcome to enotalone.

 

The reasons you cite for the divorce do not seem petty at all. They are very valid. In fact, finances are a major cause of divorce, especially if one spouse is a big spender and the other is not. It can easily ruin a marriage. Spending too much is an addiction just as potent as drugs- it can strain a relationship, especially if the other spouse and the rest of the family must face hardship because of one person's irresponsible spending.

 

The other things you mention sound like compatibility and communication issues.

 

I am not going to ask how I should feel because whatever anyone says isnt going to change that, what I am going to ask is why DONT I feel? Is it because I know its right or because I am numbing myself to any feelings.

 

To me, it just sounds like you're sick and tired of it. This divorce is seen as a relief to you, a way to get you out of a situation that has been hurtful and draining. Sometimes, conflicts can be so draining emotionally that there's nothing left in you to feel anymore and that does cause you to become "numb".

 

Since you have children together, it's important that you do not numb yourself to them during this time though. Be sure to be cordial with one another for your children's sake, and remember, even if this divorce feels like a relief to you, it will be hard on the kids. Just try to be the best dad you can be.

 

BellaDonna

[GoatBoy]

Thanks very much for the responses. I think you are right, I have been readying myself for this for a long time. With regards to the kids, I will always be the best dad I can for them. I think the only reason I stayed this long was because I didnt want them to hurt, I just realised I'm hurting myself and have to do something about it. Thanks again

[Siriana]

Good luckO

[BeStrongBeHappy]

you sound exhausted! sometimes marriages go out with a fizzle rather than a bang, especially if you have been emotionally alienated for a long time before the divorce.

 

so in some ways, this is very good! being calm when a divorce happens is much better for the children, less conflict. lots of people are still so emotional when they separate, they fight constantly, so you should consider yourself and your sons lucky from that standpoint...

 

good luck with your frest start!

[GoatBoy]

Thanks for the wishes Syrix and Bestrongbehappy. The less conflict the better now, my wife is already upset with our eldest son because he keeps telling her he wants to come and live by me. I'm sure that everything will work out in the end though. Thanks again