Date set for marriage - cold feet

[3o55oy4]

Hello to one and all. My girlfriend and I are engaged to be married in March 2007 and I'm suffering serious angst over whether it's the right step. I'll try to give some background, and hopefully someone will be able to knock some sense into me.

I first met my fiancee when I moved to Korea to work as an English teacher four years ago. In fact, we met on my very first night. We continued to see each other regularly, and started dating some weeks thereafter. She made it quite clear early on that she was looking for a long-term partner, and I assured her that I felt the same way. In fact, I didn't know what I wanted. Until that point (at the age of 24) I'd never had what you would call a real relationship. Anyway, things progressed and she started spending more and more time over at my place. I was of course delighted about the whole thing for at least the first 8 months, at which time I started to get a little anxious about what I'd got myself into. Nothing serious, just nagging doubts. She really seemed to think I was "the one", and I just wasn't as sure. Nevertheless, after finishing my original year's contract and visiting home for Christmas, I came back and we decided to move in together.

Again, for a few months everything was fine and dandy. Then the doubts and fears started to kick in again - nothing specific, just general insecurity and wondering if she was really the one, and did I really love her as much as she loved me. I pretty much convinced myself that I wanted to leave - but didn't know how (never having been in that situation before). Then that summer, she gave me an ultimatum: get engaged or break up. I was pretty taken aback. I didn't expect to have to make my decision quite so soon. I told her I needed some time to sort my head out, and headed off to Thailand alone for a month. There I spent the first three weeks agonizing. My gut told me to walk away, but I was feeling lonely, and I started missing her. In addition, I knew she really expected me to return and propose, and the thought of disappointing her had my stomach in knots. Also, her (now late) mother had been diagnosed with terminal cancer, so that played into the decision too. So I decided to go ahead and buy a ring. I felt like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders. Maybe she was the one for me after all?

I came back and got down on one knee. Again, everything seemed rosy for a while. Then the old feelings of doubt started to surface again. I reassured myself that it still wasn't too late to get out since the engagement was open-ended. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that my life was miserable. Quite the opposite - we were very happy together most of the time.

It's been over two years now since the engagement. My fiancee's mother has passed away, and I think she has pretty much finished grieving. Between early summer and last month, my doubts began to multiply. Where before they were just at the back of my mind, now they were with me day and night. I started planning my escape, what I was going to say, when I was going to do it. Then last month, we took a trip together. On the plane, I happened to see her passport. I couldn't believe my eyes when I saw the date of birth. My fiancee was four years older than me, when she'd always led me to believe that we were the same age. She'd even lied about her birthday. When we arrived at the airport I asked her what the hell was going on. She said she'd lied in the first place because she was afraid I wouldn't have gone for her otherwise, and that she'd been trying to tell me the truth ever since but couldn't find a way. I told her I was very confused and she started crying and asking if I was going to leave her. Aha, I thought. Here's my chance. I have an excuse now. But I just couldn't do it. I nearly did - told her about my doubts - but I just couldn't bring myself to say the hurtful words. So that night we were back in the hotel trying to figure things out when she suggested that what we needed was to end our stagnation, viz. get married and go back to live in my country. I wasn't totally convinced, but I've been itching to get home for a while, so it didn't sound like such a bad idea. In fact, the more I thought about it, the more it grew on me. So we got back to Korea, and again I was feeling calm and relaxed about the future. Until, a few weeks later....

The same old doubts. Only now we've booked a wedding venue, ordered rings, told our friends and families, sent clothes back home. This time I have, for the first time, tried to be honest about how I'm feeling. I've told her about my doubts, but she is convinced I will overcome them because our love is so strong. I wish I were so sure.

As things stand now, I'm completely torn. I do love this girl, but how do I know this is how it's meant to be? I have no experience! I find myself almost making mental notes whenever we're together - hmm good sense of humour, hmm annoying habit - and comparing her with other girls I know. It's not fair on her! She deserves to be loved for who she is. And I've been flirting with a co-worker, and thinking what might have been with her. After all this, I can't bear the thought of breaking up, and I'm scared to death of going on.

I have never before posted in any forum such as this. I'm not aware of the etiquette, and I apologize to everyone if this post is filled with irrelevant nonsense. I just don't feel like there's anyone I can talk to about this. All my friends here I share with my fiancee, so they're out. I don't feel comfortable talking to my family about it. I've kind of lost touch with most of my friends back home, and anyway I'm not convinced they'd give me good advice. So please, just give me some honest opinions. Thank you.

[BellaDonna]

Hi there and welcome to enotalone.

 

You have to do what feels best for you. However as a married woman who read your post, I must say that my personal opinion is that one should never get married unless you are SURE that you want to spend the rest of your life with this woman.

 

You have been doubting things all along. It sounds like this is not a typical case of nerves or cold feet- this has been lingering in your mind for a long time.

 

My fiancee was four years older than me, when she'd always led me to believe that we were the same age. She'd even lied about her birthday.

 

That is very concerning that the relationship was built on the foundation of a lie. It seems that she just wants to run to the alter. I don't think an engagment should be made under the condition of an ulitmatum either. A lie just makes it worse.

 

All I can say is that if you think that it is hard to end this relationship now- a divorce is MUCH HARDER. Be very cautious. Once you are married what's your becomes hers, etc. It's a much bigger mess to contend with.

 

Marriage is only a great thing when both parties equally want it.

 

You seem to be very scared of confrontation and "what would happen" if you broke the engagement. Yes, it would be very hectic at first, but it would pass. A divorce is more devastating to a family than a broken engagement.

 

This woman deserves to marry a man who is 100% he wants her too. You will hurt her worse in the end if you truly don't want to marry her, but do so anyways to avoid confrontation or chaos.

 

My opinion is that if you truly want to back out- you still have time. Listen to your heart.

 

BellaDonna

[Dako]

I've only been married once, but I was 99% sure it was the right thing.

The remaining doubts were insecurities about myself, not her.

If you have doubts about her being the one, I'd consider canceling the wedding.

[gattsuga]

Sounds like you're being pressured into something you don't want to do. She's the one who gave you the ultimatum, she's the one who wants to book the wedding, etc.

 

Take a good look at yourself, and your future. Can you remain faithful and in love with this girl for the rest of your life? 30-50 years? Or are you just scared to be alone.

 

If you are just scared to be alone, then do yourself AND her a favour... seriously consider breaking up. It WILL hurt both of you, but in the long run it will be better for BOTH of you. She doesn't deserve someone who is always unsure about her, and compares her to others. And you deserve someone you can treasure, and worship. Have you ever felt that she was perfect for you? Or are you just settling for the fact that she's there and makes you feel good.

[DaDancingPsych]

Great advice thus far! I'm unmarried, so take my thoughts as coming from that. But also think about your future. Can you see yourself without her? Can you see yourself with someone else? What do you see for the future?

 

I also don't think that there is a perfect person for each one of us. We find someone who we love and respect and someone who we enjoy spending our lives with. Are your doubts things that you don't like about her? Those won't ever change, so you either need to accept them or move on. Are they things that you desired in a mate that she doesn't have? Again, she's not going to gain these qualities, but can you live without these or do you need to stick to your higher standards?

 

Plus, what's the rush? It's wonderful that she wants to get married and have a permanent relationship, but if she's pressuring you into it, it's not going to work. Maybe the decision should/should have been placed on her. Either give you more time or move on.

 

I think the two of you need to talk and put everything out on the table. Come to understanding of what both of you are thinking/feeling and hopefully understand past behaviors. At least then, everything is in the open.

 

Good luck!

[Scout]

Hi...in all honesty, you just don't sound ready for marriage, period, and it's not because you aren't sure you've found "THE ONE."

 

For one thing, there's no guarantee ever that there is "the one." Yet it seems to be an ideal many people hold onto. I have worries that people who believe this are looking at love unrealistically. There are always going to be issues of conflict or unexpected challenges that will blindside even the most compatible of couples. The ones who wade through it typically have a more realistic view of romantic love: no other person can ever make us 100% happy. We will always find something to be irritated with in our partner at some point.

 

You may need more experience to discover this. Of course, you may discover that what you gave up to get this experience was better than anything else you found out there. And there's no guarantees you'll be able to get your girl back.

 

What concerns me is you haven't pinpointed any specific reasons behind your constant doubts. If you don't even know what they are, you might want to dedicate yourself to giving this some deeply honest thought. The last thing you want to be is pushing 40 or 50, still single and still longing for "THE ONE" yet without even having the first idea what "THE ONE" would actually be like.

[DaDancingPsych]

^Wow! Great post!

[Hope75]

I pretty much agree with all of the above posts.

 

I have been living with my bf for 4 years. More than anything I want to marry him. To me, he is the one. Nothing would make me happier than to be his wife and the mother of his children.

 

BUT... if he wasn't 100% sure I was the one for him and that he wanted to spend his life with me, I wouldn't want him to propose, and I certainly wouldn't want him to go ahead and marry me.

 

I would have more respect for him, even if it hurt me terribly, if he were honest and end things than to marry me based on a lie or constant doubts.

 

To me, his happiness with our union is as important as my own... I think that is part of what loving someone so much that both your interests are at heart is all about.

 

I guess what I am trying to say is that yes, you will hurt and disappoint her, but you must do what is right and fair, and marrying someone with whom you've questioned all along if this is who you want to marry would be an even graver error than getting engaged.

 

You can go right along with wanting to please her until you are married and have children, but one day you will no longer be able to ignore those doubts and you will have to answer to them, and how much worse will it be if you've been married for 5 years and have 2 children?

[Alezia]

Could this be something in her culture that she feels that she has to be married ASAP? I have no clue what goes on over there, but I'm thinking it might be diffrent from North America? Are your doubts only because she is pushing you or is there something specific about her personality that you don't like?

[Scout]

^Wow! Great post!

 

Hey, thanks! Your post pointed out some very important things to consider, as well.

[RayKay]

This is not cold feet about getting married, this has been doubt at every step of the way. Everything has been on her terms...even when you don't want something she is telling you that you do, and you go along with it!

 

That to me says that you should not be marrying this woman! That would be unfair to her, and yourself. Yes, it will be hard to end things now, but it won't be easier when you are married, or have children. And an unpleasant breakup now is better than a miserable marriage and treacherous divorce.

 

Marriage is a huge commitment, and it takes a lot of effort - effort you won't feel up to doing if it is not something you even want. It should be something both enter into aware and desiring to do.

[Scout]

Marriage is a huge commitment, and it takes a lot of effort - effort you won't feel up to doing if it is not something you even want.

 

Exactly. Well said, Ray Kay!

[3o55oy4]

Hi again folks. Thanks for all you thoughtful responses. Yesterday was a particularly black day. I just felt like I was drowning. In the interests of painting a more accurate picture, I should say that by no means every day is like that - it was a bad one.

In reviewing my post, I can see a reasonable person asking what possible reason I could have for staying in this relationship. But reasons there are. My fiancee is a lovely, positive, funny, caring girl who would do anything for me. I'm very comfortable in her presense, and I'm still attracted to her sexually. Not only this, but I've come to love a lot of aspects of Korean culture, and I feel that by breaking up with her I'd be severing my ties with this culture and a lot of friends too.

One of you asked me to be more specific about my doubts. I suppose they're divided into two categories - one to do with my fiancee's personality and behaviour, and the other to do with my inexperience/immaturity.

On the personality front, I sometimes get irritated with her when she's talking to me or to others in my presense. It's hard to be very specific, but she just has a way of saying things that make me cringe. I have to concede that the language barrier is part of this, although her English is generally excellent. Another thing is that I'm all she wants, and she wants to spend every waking moment with me. She never goes out just with her own friends, and has no interest in doing so.

I think the second category of doubts is a bigger problem. It's the fear that I'm missing out on something. I know the grass is rarely greener on the other side, but I've never been on the other side, so how do I know for sure? I just can't get this uncertainty out of my gut.

I should point out - in case anyone hasn't already guessed - that I have a tendency to over-analyse everything in my life down to the barest minutiae. Given that nothing in this world is perfect, I'm sure I'm never going to find a relationship that I can't pick holes in. Intellectually, marrying this girl makes perfect sense. I just can't shake these demons deep down.

[gattsuga]

I think you should seriously consider your options here before saying your vows.

 

You want to explore, and see what else is out there. You have to decide whether or not it's worth it for you. Do you want to risk losing her forever, in return to clearing your doubts? If you marry her, do you think these doubts would ever go away?

 

It sounds like there's a personality difference here. It's almost like the love is mostly on her side, and you're just there kind of reflecting her love back to her. If the way she speaks, and acts bother you to such a degree, don't you think there's something seriously wrong here? Are you going to be able to spend everyday with this girl, and not be annoyed or frustrated? If you answered no, then you're just lying to yourself to go through with this marriage.

 

i won't lie to you... since you're already engaged and everyone knows, it's going to be extremely difficult for both of you if you break up. But you need to decide whether or not you can accept her for better or worse, and love her for the rest of your lives.

[filmraven]

I know I'm a little late responding to this post but I'd like to give my opinion too.

 

Marriage is a huge committment not to be taken lightly...and I know its been said many times in this topic. The first thing I thought of after reading your post was my present boyfriend. We've been dating for a little over a year and a half and a few years before he knew me he almost married someone else!

 

He's told me countless times that in hindsight he just didn't know how much better his life could be now that he's with me (and I'm not trying to toot my own horn) and that he would have most definitely made the biggest mistake of his life by marrying this other girl. Despite his previous relationship having some tremendous flaws in it (she cheated on him three times!!!...I don't even understand why you'd consider marrying someone after that...) he just didn't seem to think he could "do better" and although he was "happy" he wasn't reeeally happy. To this day he is thinks that breaking off his engagement was the best thing he ever did so that he was given the chance to meet me which just goes to show you...

 

I think the person you want to marry should be someone who you are reeeally happy with, someone you have absolutely no doubts about. That nagging feeling in the pit of your stomach is a way of telling you something...doubt for me has always = no and over time that's not a feeling that's going to go away. Trust that instinct.

[saint_saul]

Please, reconsider the current path you are on. Everything the above posters have said has been sincere and true -- I agree with all of it 100%.

 

It sounds like you have a pretty big decision to make, but don't make the problem any bigger than it already is. Instead of looking at this situation as black and white, examine the "gray area" possibilities. You've already identified your own inexperience/possible immaturity -- by doing that, you've already illustrated a sense of responsibility. Judging from what you've said, it sounds like you are looking at this situation too harshly and urgently. Sit back, relax, and clear your thoughts for a moment.

 

Instead of breaking up with her immediately, making plans to "escape," or even worse, possibly going through with a marriage, try asking for a break. Communicate to her the reasons why you need one, too, as in: "I need some time to be with myself and assess my own needs." Essentially, THIS is what you need to do. It sounds like you attempted this by leaving for a couple of weeks, but perhaps your motives to her and to yourself were unclear. If she can't give you some time to yourself, she doesn't respect you and she's not worth it, period. During this time, examine yourself, her, and finally the relationship. Ultimately, though, how you feel is most important.

[Rabican]

I think the best thing you can do is tell her that you love her, but that you are having some doubts about this whole marriage thing. Tell her you want to stay with her, but you would like to put any further plans on hold for now. Try to focus on just being with her, enjoy your relationship and have fun with her, try to build on that and not stress over the 'big day' thats looming in the future. Id also have a big talk with her about lying to you for 4 years (or however long) about her age. Thats either a really big deal, or just a really big little white lie. Id wonder what else she lies about....

[Dako]

The only way you should approach marriage is with full faith in your decision. If you have any doubts, don't do it.

 

Your posts are so full of warning signs I don't know where to start.

You see her as your only connection to Korean culture, her way of speaking makes you cringe, she won't go out with friends and your gut is full of demons, while you wonder what other women are about.

 

If I were in your shoes, I sure wouldn't be marrying anyone.

[3o55oy4]

Hi. I'm back again. Things came to a head just before Christmas. I was feeling so confused that I just couldn't go on, so I told her I had to leave and go back home. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I left it by saying that I needed time to sort out my feelings - at least a few months - and she said she'd wait for me. Needless to say, I've been doing a lot of thinking, reading, talking, etc. But I'm still pretty conflicted.

On the one hand, I really want it to work. I miss her. I keep thinking of all her good qualities. I realize now that I didn't REALLY try to address my feelings while I was in the relationship. I didn't work on anything. I just came to the conclusion that it wasn't for me and that I wanted out, and I didn't try to find a way back. While I was there I spent far more time analysing and comparing than actually participating and appreciating.

The thing is I'm afraid. Afraid that if I go back my old feelings will return. I didn't feel close to her, didn't feel a real connection (for the most part), once we started living together. How much of this was down to my lack of effort, and how much down to incompatibility? If my gut was telling me to leave before, will it do the same again, even if I try that much harder to make it work? Is it possible to change a relationship that wasn't very good from my point of view for the majority of the time into one that is good. Is it just placing more faith in hope than in experience?

Of course only I have the answers to these questions. But I'd appreciate some perspectives. Thanks.

[jengh]

I hope I'm not repeating anything, but have you tried counseling directed specifically to this issue?

I think you need professional help with sorting all of this out.

I'm not married, never have been, but in my opinion, if you're not 110% certain you want to marry this woman, now is not the time. I'm not saying to break up, but I'm saying put off the wedding--for now. I think having that date set is freaking you out, especially as it gets closer and closer to happening.

She sounds like a great girl, and she'll give you your space to sort things out, which is fantastic. Is she dead-set on getting married in March? Could you postpone it without her freaking out?

[3o55oy4]

The date itself isn't a problem. But she isn't prepared for me just to go back without any firm commitment either. Which is fair enough. I don't feel like I should just go back and "see what happens". It's not fair. Counselling is a fine idea. But practically it's difficult. They're not big into it in Korea, and anyway my Korean isn't up to it. I don't really feel like I can say "come over to Ireland and let's get counselling!". As I said, it's not really the done thing over there. Having said that, it is an idea. Thanks.

[young_wife]

i wish i wouldve cancelled my wedding when i had cold feet... you did the right thing and i commend you for having the courage to do so, not everyone is that strong and unfortunately i wasn't and here i am suffering the consequences. give yourself as much time as possible, don't close your options and make sure you explore the world and possibilties before you delve into marriage.

 

if it is meant to be she will wait for you or your paths will cross but do not push things or rush them again. take care of your own insecurities before taking this step. you've delayed this now so take advantage to see what it is that's really bothering you. visit a counselor and speak to them one on one, they will provide better insight since they are biased, and will be able to identify the source of your worries and/or issues.

 

good luck to you and you've made the right decision.

[Lillyana]

DO NOT MARRY HER. It will be the biggest mistake of your life. As lovely and commited to you as she is, she is also quite manipulative and not entirely honest. I guess she is either quite young or desperate. I've felt like that myself in the past and it's frustrating seeing everyone getting married around you and feel "Why hasn't anyone asked me?". Sadly, it's not the be all and end all as I've just found out. I got married in December and have regretted it every day since. It's the most awful feeling to wake up thinking you are having a nightmare and then realise you are still in it. Believe me, any doubts you have that are multiplying now will go through the roof if you go ahead. I hope this doesn't sound harsh, but I am being honest.