HELP. My fiancee's ex sleeping over?

[johnmd20]

Last night my fiancee told me that an ex boyfriend of hers, whom she is now friends with and speaks to about every 3 months or so, is staying over her apartment on Monday night. I have never heard of this guy until last night, I've known her for a year and a half.

 

Her apartment is 270 square feet and is a studio with a bed loft, so she would be sleeping right above him,(there is no way to put that which doesn't sound perverse) as the loft is right over the sofa bed. The place is small, they would be falling all over each other.

 

Anyway, I am freaking out because this feels like a breach of trust. They dated 10 years ago, so their relationshp isn't recent, and that's a plus. However, during the conversation, she told me they had dated for only like "30 seconds" 10 years ago. Ummm, 30 seconds turned out to be 8 months and they lived together for a large portion of that time.

 

She broke up with him and has no feelings for him.(i don't question this part at all)

 

This guy needs to sleep over in New York City because he has an early flight from JFK and doesn't want to have to travel all the way from Red Bank so early in the morning. I think that's a completely ridiculous reason. She says it's because he's poor and has no other friends in NYC. I also think that's ridiculous. Take a bus. Sleep on the street. Hitch hike. Whatever.

 

I completely trust my fiancee and I don't think she's thinking about anything but helping a friend, but I don't trust this guy and I just don't like how this feels. Is a boundary being crossed? Am I overreacting by being pouty, jealous, fearful, and hurt?

 

Any advice would help, I tried to put up all the pertinant information. Thanks very much.

 

Sincerely,

John

[jzwhat21]

Honostly it seems harmless man and the reasons he will be there seem fairly legit... an eight month relationship ten years ago ... If you have no reason not to trust this girl i think you are gettin worked up over nothin i would take it easy

 

If anything just be cool about it that will show her you are a confident guy and that you trust her...

[skyjuice]

Hi

 

It seems like you don't have too much trust on her and there is trust issues in the relationship.

 

Is there any alternative besides staying in her studio apartment? How about asking him to stay with you or buy him a hotel stay? How about 3 of you spend the night together?

 

It is at best to clear out the trust issues before both of you tie the knot.

[CyberCowBoy]

In a situation like this it is only ok if she holds his request till she checks with you. The she should check with you immediately, and with a tone of "this is a lil awkwered but Im cool with it unless you have any reservations or feel uncommfortable about it, and by the way he just asked me 5 minutes ago". The tone may not be matter of fact or "I guess I just never thought anything of it so I forgot to mention it".

I would have told you three years ago that its no biggie, "whatever, it never crossed my mind that there is an issue that neeeds to be shared with my significant other in a reverant way"

But, I dated a girl a couple a years ago that put me thru a lot of trainning about thinking and acting with purpose in a relationship. We broke up but her trainning stuck. In fact I really do not feel passionate at all about the assessment I just offered but because of the trainning I make a non-instictual, logical decision / distinction about an incident that seems to connected to me only and to make an effort to view things that happen to me and just me as part of the relationship with the gierl Im sharing a good bit of my time / life with. Her trainning stuck but also tjhis girl had amazing intuition. I was never dishonest or anything but anytiime I would blow off her attempts to dragh my own life / thoughts into a disscussion between the two of us, she could simply know what I was thinking. It was scarry.

Oh, wait, back to post. She should report / ask you first and asap

[Meow18]

Part of trusting your fiance is trusting that she won't ALLOW this guy to do anything.

 

They dated 10 years ago. She has moved on and found someone she obviously wants to marry!

 

Try not to stress over it. If she loves you and wants to be with you forever, NOTHING will happen between them. No matter how he feels about her, no matter what he wants to happen, she's responsible for her own actions.

 

And this says something about her too. I mean, obviously she's a good person willing to help out an old friend.

[annie24]

well... if they dated 10 years ago, it doesn't sound as dangerous as a more recent ex. yeah, how about letting him stay at her place, and tell her, "honey - because your place is so small, 290 square feet, why don't you let him have your apartment, and then spend the night at my place?"

 

do you trust her? what if he did make a little move on her? do you think she would reject his advances?

[rose2summer]

I would stay the night with her, that way you won't be worried all night about what is going on there.

 

Not to put spiderwebs in, but what if his intent is to pull moves on her, but she turns them down. Why leave her in a situation like that?

[Hope75]

well... if they dated 10 years ago, it doesn't sound as dangerous as a more recent ex. yeah, how about letting him stay at her place, and tell her, "honey - because your place is so small, 290 square feet, why don't you let him have your apartment, and then spend the night at my place?"

 

do you trust her? what if he did make a little move on her? do you think she would reject his advances?

 

This was exactly what I was thinking, letting him sleep in her place and she stays with you.

 

But the deeper question is- do you trust that she would reject his advances if he in fact, did advance on her?

 

I can understand wy the situation would make you uncomfortable, but if you trust her 100% then she has given you good reason too... it seems a lttle faith in that might help get you through the night.

[PittItaliano]

It does seem pretty harmless, but I can see why you could have your reservations. An ex is an ex right? I agree with annie24, maybe invite her over to your place that night, or maybe see if you can stay with her without her being offending or feeling like you don't trust her. 8 months really isn't that long and it was 10 whole years ago, I'm sure nothing would happen.

[johnmd20]

I would stay the night with her, that way you won't be worried all night about what is going on there.

 

Not to put spiderwebs in, but what if his intent is to pull moves on her, but she turns them down. Why leave her in a situation like that?

Thanks so much to all the responders.

 

My concern is not my financee fooling around with this guy. I am supremely confident that she would reject any advances, should they arise.(pun intended)

 

My concern was that she agreed to spend the night with an ex she used to live with without even bothering to ask me or how I felt about it. I think I should have been involved in some regard.

 

I freaked out because I wasn't informed until the plan was set. If an engaged person is asked to spend the night in a very small apartment with an ex, the significant other should probably kept abreast of the development.

 

This isn't about trust,(or not a lack of trust about fidelity as much as a lack of trust in setting boundaries and taking my feelings into account) in my opinion, as it is about communication and boundaries.

 

Sure, it is probably harmless and my financee is a great person to want to help, even if the request was dubious at best. But it just felt like the request of the ex crossed a boundary.

 

In summary, as stated rose2, why leave the love of my life in a situation where a guy she used to live with could put a move on her? Harmless or not, that's crazy to me. If an ex asked me to stay over, I would tell her no, I was engaged, and it wouldn't be right.

 

So, in summary, my fiancee is going to stay at my place and her ex is going to stay at my fiancee's place.

 

It wasn't a great day for us, but hopefully we learn together about what we like and dislike and every painful experience should be used as a learning experience.

 

What a great board, thanks so much.

[Rabican]

The answer is no.

 

She can hang out with the guy in thr morning after he checks out of his hotel.

 

She could have ran this by you before she made the plans.

 

Its entirely not appropriate... the guy is an ex... one bedroom apartment, need I say more?

 

I think you simply tell her that you are not ok with it, and that it will not be something that you are going to permit to happen if she wishes to stay in a relationship with you.

 

Just my two cents, but Ive already been down this road and been burned on a very similar situation.

 

Man up and hold your ground.

[Rabican]

Part of trusting your fiance is trusting that she won't ALLOW this guy to do anything.

 

They dated 10 years ago. She has moved on and found someone she obviously wants to marry!

 

Try not to stress over it. If she loves you and wants to be with you forever, NOTHING will happen between them. No matter how he feels about her, no matter what he wants to happen, she's responsible for her own actions.

 

And this says something about her too. I mean, obviously she's a good person willing to help out an old friend.

 

part of trusting your fiance is trusting that she wont put you, or herself or your relationship into a shady situation. If you are ok with it then let him stay. If you are not, then she needs to respect that. And given the situation it is completely understandable that you would not be ok with it.

 

Really, how much does a motel 3 cost anyways?

[annie24]

Really, how much does a motel 3 cost anyways?

 

in nyc... still quite a bit!

[Hope75]

I'm curious, to the OP-

 

How did your fiancee react to your feelings?

 

How was it that she agreed to stay with you while the ex stays at her place?

[booberry]

I think there are certain things you have to give up when you're a fiance and you're married.

 

Having your ex boyfriends sleep over at your house is definitely one of them. It's completely inappropriate, bottom line.

 

With that said, she is probably just helping out a friend and since she's already offered him a roof over his head, you cant ask her now to change. But let her know its inappropriate for next time.

 

Tell her you're spending the night that night. She shouldn't have any problem with it.

[CyberCowBoy]

The original poster was actually focused soley on the girl's delay in sharing the situation with him. He has worked out the actuall idea of the guy staying over. I'd love to hear advice / ideas on his concern of her lack of openess about this.