Great Woman.......but is she worth pursuing?

[motorman543]

Maybe I am reading into this too much. But I have met a great woman recently. We have gone on 3 dates and there have been nothing but energy and chemistry between us. We have the same ideologies about life and our humor matches well. I take tell that she is into me and I like her as well.

 

But she has told me several times how in a few weeks "it will be nice knowing you" because she will be too busy with work. I don't mind people who are passionate about their work and want to get ahead in the competitive fields (I am this way too) but why bring this up so soon and so often?

 

What is the point of dating each other now if there will be no time for each other in the future. I am a busy person myself, but I am willing to make time for people I am interested in.

 

Do you think she is testing me somehow? Or trying to give me a heads-up? Should I deal with only seeing a girl on the weekends when SHE is available? Or should I run now and take my losses? Or, do you think she will change her mind and make time if things continue to go well?

 

Thanks

[RayKay]

Hmmm, I think she is telling you that so she has a "way out".

 

I find it odd she says that, and I agree with you, that even very busy people make time for people they want to be with. My days are absolutely nuts, but I still make time for people in my life I love, am interested in, whatever.

 

I would say if she starts having time for you rarely, then you have to decide whether this is a relationship you want....relationships are two way streets and you can't develop something that is only on one's terms.

[DaDancingPsych]

Agreed. I don't know why she's saying this to you, but I wouldn't panic just yet. Take the relationship one step at a time and as long as she's making time for you and things are going well, then I wouldn't sweat it! The moment this changes, you can't force things!

[Royltnxile]

What do you know about this woman's dating past? Her relationship track record?..etc... I would see the "nice knowing you" remark as not a full "red flag", but definitely a warning sign that she may have issues with intimacy and commitment. Most people with these kind of issues will typically say things to that effect ...("don't go falling for me".."I screw up all my relationships"..."I have commitment issues"...."I've never been faithful to anyone"...etc..etc...) They say these things early on in the dating process to cover their own azzes for when later on down the road when a proper relationship develops, or their feelings deepen, and the panic sets in and they want to run away, they can say "well, I tried to tell you I was emotionally whacked".

 

Not saying this is the case with your girl, but it could be. If I were you, I would just take things slow with her and see what happens as you date longer. 3 dates is too soon to be getting all worried about what's going to happen. Explore it and keep your eyes open, only time will tell if she's "worth it" or not.

[terk2021]

She probably feels work is the one thing she has control of...

[gattsuga]

it could be she's just not capable of a committment right now because of work. is she moving for work? or getting a promotion? why is her work condition going to be changed in a few weeks?

[Caterina]

She sounds like she's scared that you are going to pressure her to involve herself too deeply in a relationship before she's ready...meaning, her job takes up a lot of her time so she might be giving you a heads up that she will put her job before you...it probably caused her relationship problems in the past.

[heloladies21]

Do you think she is testing me somehow?

Smart, good for you. This is definitely a test to see if you are man enough to stick up for yourself and what you want and your response is exactly what you put in your post. You should say the next time she brings it up that her thinking doesn't make sense and if you're really interested in someone you make time for them.

 

She wants to see if you're serious in her, if you care enough about her. She wants to know that you want to see her. If she keeps bringing it up, then she's giving you multiple chances to pass it (ie. she really likes you), so make sure you jump on it the next chance you get.

[JimmerJammer]

I actually think its something quite different. See this is where things can get VERY complicated very quickly, but now the ball is actually in your court. If she is passionate about her career and work, its because she knows she has to be if she plans on being successful. If she gives up the thing she loves, she's gonna want to be with someone that is WORTH it to her.

 

Remember that this is only my opinion of what i THINK it is and is no more right than anyone else's opinion. Its up to you to make the distinction. Now to delve further I also would think that she has to consider the fact that if her career is going to be important to her, well she BETTER find a man who is SERIOUS and I mean serious to be with her. It'd be a relationship out of convenience if she simply went for any man that would satisfy her requirements for a husband, father or intimate partner.

 

Does this sound like a good tradeoff though? I mean is getting into a relationship SIMPLY because its convenient what we really want? Maybe some people, but I know I personally get into them because I enjoy the support and giving appreciation and love to the woman I'm with. I'm almost certain this too is why they get involved, its because of that very reason.

 

People get into relationships for many reasons, but I don't see why people wouldn't want to have love in their relationship, as its one of the most amazing things I've ever felt and given. I mean think about this for a second, if she is going to find someone serious, its going to be a life partner and she's gonna want to find someone who can provide love and create sustaining bonding and a future with. If you get caught up in things in your life OR aren't doing what you're SUPPOSED to do, she WILL feel this because you'll project it outwards. Its something YOU have to do and if you fail to do it, she feels rejected because you're rejecting yourself and your life's purpose.

 

She simply needs reassurance that you won't falter or close down if things get tough down the road. It won't be easy and it rarely is. Its up to you to be prepared to take the necessary steps involved to lead your life towards what you want and make sure you don't close down when the going gets tough. Maybe she doesn't feel at this point that she wants to get close because she thinks that there might be unwanted distance or she knows that it'll end a particular way, BUT she can't be certain of anything until those moments arrive. She can only control her life and create distance if she doesn't want you getting close to her.

 

You're option at this point is to recognize her choice, her ambitions and to ask yourself where you want to be in all of it. Next you'll need to think about whether or not you'd make sacrifices or what it is you have in mind for your future. Talking about it and taking things one step at a time will really help as although you may be crazy about each other, it helps to know whether or not a proper relationship is feasable or not. Its sometimes hard to TALK about it too because feelings often change and its the very reason why relationships need to be WORKED on in the present moment, instead of planned out like an investment.

 

I mean sure the finish line is important, but just remember that in all reality it works off better when you're running towards the goal together instead of letting her fall behind or waiting for her at the end. A great woman is always worth pursuing, but just remember that they don't want you looking up to them or down at them, they want you starring into each others eyes as you look out at the world. Cheesy I know, but your strength is based on your ability to seek out that which you want and to persevere when the going gets tough.

 

Hope this helps and doesn't say TOO much for you as its meant for insight more than a wake up call into the situation. Cheers.

[Batya33]

I was in the same situation for years and only dated men with schedules that were similar to mine -not only many hours but unpredictable hours and the men had to understand - and not take personally - that too often I had to cancel plans at the last minute. Because they were in the same predicament it worked out "ok."

 

Listen to her words. She may be being sarcastic (as in she knows there's a huge project coming up and she willk be buried) but otherwise she is telling you her priorities which are work and not dating. I respect that she is being honest. Ask her straight out - right on the table - right now - "do you want me to take that statement seriously as in you won't have time to date me in a few weeks from now?" Lay it out there.

[motorman543]

Wow, nothing like responeses all over the map. Everything from committment issues, to a way out, to work is her priority and I must show her I am serious . And I thank you all for them. This site is great!

 

Although, I think I am even more confused now than where I started.

 

I don't know much about her past other than she was in a long term relationship, moved to a new city with him, lived together and didn't work out so she had to move out and live on her own. She will be busy at work because she is in the corporate field that involves tax season. In my line of work I will be busy as a bee in a few weeks too traveling, along with trips for the holidays, but I feel no need to disclose this so soon. I like to live in the moment right now. So far planning time together hasn't been a problem which is good.

 

I understand her career comes before men and I wouldn't put a woman before mine at this point.

 

Perhaps I feel where she is coming from. I too am very driven and somewhat pushed away my last GF because my career and school came before her. I am glad I did though. I would have been a lot more upset if I didn't make my career happen and only had a GF to fall back on.

 

Batya33 I want to ask her flat out what she means by those comments but I don't want to scare her away thinking that I care that much already after a few dates. It feels to soon. Do you really think I should throw it out there and ask?

 

Terk, can you elaborate on "She probably feels work is the one thing she has control of..."

 

Thank you all for the meaningful comments and insights.

[Royltnxile]

Do you think she is testing me somehow? Or trying to give me a heads-up? Should I deal with only seeing a girl on the weekends when SHE is available? Or should I run now and take my losses? Or, do you think she will change her mind and make time if things continue to go we

 

I think you are reading way too much into her remark at this point. Remember, you've only been out with this woman 3 times. If things continue to heat up between you, she will either make time for you, or she won't. If she does, great, if she doesn't it, you'll want to get away from her anyway. Keep dating her and see what happens!

[Royltnxile]

Batya33 I want to ask her flat out what she means by those comments but I don't want to scare her away thinking that I care that much already after a few dates. It feels to soon. Do you really think I should throw it out there and ask?

 

 

Don't do it! You'll be tipping your hand about how you feel about her, and it's too early for that. See her remark as just that - a remark. One that may not have meant anything other than she's letting you know that work for her will get crazy in the future.

 

On a general note - Why does everything seem to think that it's an "either or" situation when talking about a relationship and a career??? If two people are in love, and want to be committed to each other, there shouldn't be any question of "putting one before the other". There is no reason why people can't have both, in fact, most people do have both. It's all about balance.

[Batya33]

I would not tell her how you feel - put it in a practical way - like this. "We've gone out a few times, I'd like to go out with you again, but you've indicated that once your tax season starts you won't have time to see me. That's fine, but it would be good to know that sooner rather than later. It's fun getting to know you but like you, I'm a busy person and I have enough friends so I'd prefer not to go down the path of getting to know you that much better if you see this as short-lived."

 

something like that.

[motorman543]

Here is an update. Things heated up fast between us and we went out on a few more dates. Nothing but good times and plenty of intimacy. She continued to hint that work was only going to get busier, but continued to show interest and go out with me. I told her we could work the time thing out. Then all of a sudden she cancelled a date due to having to work late. Understandable. I asked her out again later in the week and she was too busy. I told her to call me a when she had time and I haven't hear from her in 4-5 days.

 

My question to you guys:

 

1. Would you NOT call or e-mail a guy for 4-5 days if you were still interested but busy with work?

 

2. Why did she continue to go out on dates with me if she knew that there is was no future for us and that work would get in the way?

[heloladies21]

I told her to call me a when she had time and I haven't hear from her in 4-5 days.

 

1. Would you NOT call or e-mail a guy for 4-5 days if you were still interested but busy with work?

She gonna forget about you if you play it like this. It shows too much lack of interest to just put it on her and expect her to keep things going. You hadn't won her to the point yet where you can expect this of her.

 

2. Why did she continue to go out on dates with me if she knew that there is was no future for us and that work would get in the way?

She hadn't made up her mind yet about you and the work thing was just a test. It's not the real reason for her flaking out on you. Her work schedule has nothing to do with it. Her interest level dropped.

[Batya33]

If I were truly interested I would find a way to stay in contact without 4-5 days going by - when I was in my 20s there was no real email usage or cell phones and I still found ways to stay in touch.

[need2bme]

Motor: I had the same thing happen, only I did not get a second month and it was not due to work.

 

She made all kind of excuses as to the way I was acting and things I said and the way I said them, etc. Never mind, I was acting the same way when I met her and it was all funny to her then.

 

So, it finally boiled down to her letting me know that she was attracted to non-commital guys. Also, in case you are wondering, she did chase me and she did make us exclusive and commited.

 

Maybe, as much as it pains me to point this out, she is not that into you anymore. I hope that it is as if "heloladies" states, for both of our sakes, in that they want us to do some of the work, but it shouldn't be so hard.

 

If you do not hear from her in a couple of days, call her and let her know that you realize she is busy, but you would like to meet her for coffee or tell her you will bring some cheesecake and coffee to her.

 

Once you are together, you can guage if she is still into you. Good luck...

[terk2021]

2 years ago, I was all about work. Don't get me wrong... A career can be very rewarding. Many people feel that a career and themselves are the only thing they truly have control of in this world. I am so glad that I have woken up from that. The more I have gone through relationships, and especially the past 2, timing is everything!!! Attraction, passion, communication are all parts of a successful relationship. BUT, if you are with someone who has either been burned in the past, gone through bad experiences, and used work as the catalyst to get them through, they will do it again, and again, and again...

 

I am not trying to sound bitter, but men and women alike, if they have tasted success in the career world, and have watched other parts of their lives fail, career will win...

 

I am just glad that I finally woke up and realized that my career is satisfying and rewarding, but if you don't have someone to share it with (relationship, family, other goals...), it just does not mean as much...

[motorman543]

You are so right Terk. I had a breakup a year ago that put me in a world of hurt. We had been dating a long time. I felt, that all I had left at that point was my career and so I invested all my time into it and excelled beyond my imagination. I felt like it was the only thing that I could count on after I discovered that the ones you love can turn on you and leave you.

 

While I still absorb myself in my career, I would never let it get in the way of meeting someone new and dating someone. There is always time for both. It just takes time management. And just as you said, if you don't have someone to share life with, what good is all the success??? You really do need a balance in life.

 

It very well could be that this woman is doing everything in her control to be successful at work because her last serious relationship didn't work out. Especially since she moved to this city to live with him.

 

You really think there is such thing as bad timing when meeting that special someone???

[heloladies21]

if they have tasted success in the career world, and have watched other parts of their lives fail, career will win...

Men can come to think like this, but women do not think in this way. If they do let work take priority over a man, it''s due to the man not taking care of his business (there are many factors which go into this and not all are about paying too much attention, romance, flowers, etc). But a woman (and sometimes a man, but this is usually to his detriment and he will get dumped as a result) will give up just about anything for a man to whom she is very much into.

[heloladies21]

You really think there is such thing as bad timing when meeting that special someone???

As a man, of course if you are not at a point where you're ready for that certain someone it can be chalked up to bad timing. But as for a female, anytime is a good time regardless of career, emotional baggage, weather, even if they have some other guy in their life (to whom they're just passing time with and haven't committed emotionally to yet). Any girl who doesn't have a man who she believes is the "one" is just waiting for that guy to jump into her life no matter of her circumstances. Any excuses are just that.

[motorman543]

Interesting insight heloladies. I am not sure I can agree that ALL woman are this way, but maybe a large percentage. There are some pretty career driven woman in the large city that I live in. The type that want to climb the corporate ladder, succeed, and then worry about finding a guy when they are around 30. And they won't let anything get in the way of that!

 

As far as this woman that I have been trying to date, she is in her early 20's and is trying to prove that she has what it takes at a large company and is working 8-8pm every day.

 

Anyhow, I am still not sure if she has lost interest in me or just doesn't have the time for anything but work in her life right now. I am used to getting the "I just don't want to date anybody right now" if a girl is not interested. Instead I have gotten sporadic contact from time to time and no definite "I am not interested remarks."

 

She e-mailed me back when I asked her how she was going to make it up to me for missing our date. She said she would think about it, but was too busy and tired to come up with something creative right now. What do you make of that????

 

I have made it clear that I am interested in seeing he. (What I do kow, is that she doesn't even have time to talk to her good friends, call her family or go to the gym)

 

So I have concluded 1. she honestly doesn't have time for me or anyone in her life for the next couple months or 2. She is busy and won't make time for me because she isn't interested in dating anymore.

[heloladies21]

It's definitely not #1. It is a variation of #2, she's just not interested enough to make the time for you.

 

I would've busted on her for her comment, like mildly make fun of her. I can't think of something right off the top of my head because my mind is fried, but something teasing would be great!

[motorman543]

Oh I did. I wrote her back the next day and teased her about working so much and about her comment. But haven't heard back from her.

 

What confuses me, is that other than not having time these past 2 weeks, she is still really nice and responds to my e-mails. When we first started going out on dates I brought up the fact that she didn't seem that interested because she wouldn't return my phone calls. And that I understood that girls get quiet and don't respond when they are not interested.

 

This got her all worked up and she told me I didn't understand girls and that they need to be pursued and then jumped my bones later that night. This has been the most difficult woman I have tried to figure out. But I have put in 80% of the work and it gets old fast.