Great Woman.......but is she worth pursuing?

[need2bme]

So, what is the next step? Have you spoken to her lately?

 

I text mine yesterday and we had a few texts and then she just disappeared. Go figure!

[motorman543]

So, what is the next step? Have you spoken to her lately?

 

I text mine yesterday and we had a few texts and then she just disappeared. Go figure!

 

I don't know man. I teased her about working so much and she didn't write back. Maybe she didn't take a liking to that but she must of known I was joking. I made it clear. The last two times we were supposed to go out they got cancelled due to work so I don't really want to invite her anymore. She needs to step up to the plate and ask me to do something or at least hint that she is available. At least that is the way I look at it. Don't you think?

 

I ran into her two best friends last night by chance. They don't know much about us other than the fact that I liked her. I had dinner and drinks with them and they said she was still at work. Something about big deadlines due next week. So if she is missing dinner with her best friends because she is at work, that tells me something.

 

Should I call her tonight?

[need2bme]

Dude, who the heck knows anymore. Right? Do what your heart tells ya bro. I text my fling out of the blue and get the standard, "WOW, I haven't spoken to you in a long time". "How are you?" spcheel and so we text maybe 2-3 times and she stops responding, just gone.

 

Ain't that a helluva way to treat someone? So, what do I know? She went from how great I was to finding faults and SHE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW ME!!!

 

So, I say that they should step up. Why do we have to do all the work. If you are as successful as you say and are a good catch man, let her work it for a little while...

[terk2021]

Men can come to think like this, but women do not think in this way. If they do let work take priority over a man, it''s due to the man not taking care of his business (there are many factors which go into this and not all are about paying too much attention, romance, flowers, etc). But a woman (and sometimes a man, but this is usually to his detriment and he will get dumped as a result) will give up just about anything for a man to whom she is very much into.

 

Not all women think this way, but some do. My ex did not grow up with money.

Some people (men or women) are motivated by different things. In my mind, it truly comes down to priorities. I have been very successful in my career over the past 10 years. I was with 1 company for 9 years. When at work you feel that you become "important", sometimes it becomes the top priority in your life.

 

After reading most of this thread, it sounds like she enjoys the success she is having at work. If you love someone, or care about someone after dating for a while, you make them a priority in life. It's sometimes OK to say no at work, and say yes to a balanced life. It's really more of a question of wanting it.

 

I used to think that what I was doing at work was so important, that anything that came between me and it, was not as important. I would not say that I have become co-dependent, but I realize that what I do for a living is not saving the world.

 

Some people are built that way. With others, it takes time to figure out there is more to life. I am 35, and did not figure it out until I was 33.

 

Motorman, I feel for you. If you want to be with someone that's balanced, then maybe you should look to date someone else. It's not to say that she will not come around though. If you still want to be with her, you need to be patient, and play by her rules...

 

As for me, my 8 to 8 days are over Sure, I will put in the long hours when required, but as they old saying goes:

 

Do you want to live to work, or work to live...

[motorman543]

You are right Terk. I need a more balanced person. I have been very patient and have played by her rules, but you can only be so patient. I think 2 weeks of not seeing them when you only live a mile away is more than patient.

 

We have flirted through e-mail a bit. She even called me back friday, hinted she was going out saturday with her girls. She even called me at 1am when I texted her a quick message.

 

I called her earlier the next day to try to set something up. No call back. I texted her at night and got no response. That really bothered me since it has been so long since we have seen each other and now we are going to leave for two weeks for xmas.

 

I have changed my approach the last few times from a real date (because she canceled the last one) to a more casual lets get a drink or get dinner after work.

 

At this point and given these actions, do you think there is any chance remaining? Or is it pretty clear she is not interested? Or heloladies, do you think I should continue until she clearly tells me she doesn't want to date>?

 

Every time I right her off, I call one last time and then she seems interested but her talk turns into little action. I am left frustrated. But after two unreturned voicemails, a canceled date she never made up to me, I am at the point where I MUST move on and let HER call me if anything is to be genuine.

 

Do you all Agree??

[need2bme]

I totally agree Motor.

 

I know how you feel though brother. I have tried and tried. I will have a text convo with her, after she wants to know what is going on with me and then she just trails off, no reply, no nothing.

 

I am worth more than nothing and so should you be...

[terk2021]

If you are putting more into a relationship that you want, and she is not, I would move forward. Her priorities are in a different place right now. It's very tough to do.

 

Just let her know you want more out of a relationship than she is willing to offer right now and it's probably better that you do not see each other. If she decides she wants to have a relationship with you, then it's up to her to let you know that.

[motorman543]

If you are putting more into a relationship that you want, and she is not, I would move forward. Her priorities are in a different place right now. It's very tough to do.

 

Just let her know you want more out of a relationship than she is willing to offer right now and it's probably better that you do not see each other. If she decides she wants to have a relationship with you, then it's up to her to let you know that.

Well said Terk. I have concluded that my situation is bad timing.

 

It has been 3 weeks now since I last saw (xmas break) and we never came to any conclusion which bothers me. I don't like unresolved issues. She just never responded to my last phone call, nor made any attempt to make up our cancelled date.

 

Speaking to a friend I come to find out that she did tell her friends about us dating and hooking up. I thought she was keeping things a secret which I was wrong.

 

Anyhow, they told me that she is going through a "boys suck" phase and is really immature about guys. And that she just got out of a long relationship that SHE ended. Seems odd to hate guys when you are the one that ended things (and no it was not over cheating). I showed her nothing but respect so I don't get the whole I hate boys right now mind frame. She obviosuly got over that for a month or two while she was seeing me because we had a great time. So what does that mean??

[Lily04]

She likely doesn't know what she wants, in life and relationships and is trying to figure it out and balance. I think that she probably likes you, but is having a hard time to juggle it all, and may not like you enough to put you as a top priority yet. Try to get to know her better, but make it convenient so it fits into her schedule.

 

i.e. the guy i started dating (but it did not work out so well unfortunately), tried to make time by going on study dates... and helping me out with assignments as that was the only thing i had time for at the time.

 

I think he has since concluded that I'm just unavailable and probably not mature enough for a relationship. That may be something you similarly conclude. But if you think she's worth the effort (I'm glad you think so, personally as it shows perseverence to maintain the chemistry you've developed), then try to suggest meeting her for lunch (everyone has to eat right?) and since she has a steady work schedule that should be alright. or dinner... something that shouldn't be too much effort to plan.

 

However, speaking for myself in unviersity, due to my highly erratic work schedule (i.e. i am up right now at 4:00 am), meeting for brunch at 11:00 or so doesn't always work as much as i would love to meet the guy.. so it also depends on personal circumstances. It may not just be about you, if that's any comfort.

 

Hope that helps, g'luck!! I'm glad I read this thread for some insight..

 

Lily

[Budman]

Simple motor (I'm prolly the only one gonna say this, albeit ironic under lily's post)

 

Ditch her.

 

Ya, there you go I said it, ditch her.

 

For multitude of reasons:

 

1. She has a very messed up idealogy in life (aka People should always come first, at least in my opinion) She will ALWAYS ALWAYS put her goals before you. (I met a girl that said her friends always come first, well let's just say that was true, but what about later during marriage I asked, she said they come before the husband!)

2. She has shown absolutely no value for you (she played you man if there was just sex)

3. You can't always put in 80%, you need a little 80% back sometimes. Honestly can you tell me 100% that if you did not make any contact that she would contact you back?

 

That is all.

 

*one last time for good measure*

 

Ditch her.

 

Addendum: I'm not saying that the woman (or the man) should always put there partner first, I'm just saying that the partner should not be "chop suey" and just always be put off no matter what.

 

For example: If my partner has a valid issue, I should put them first, if my partner does not have a valid issue I should determine at that time.

 

it should be a case by case situation. With this woman it won't be.

 

(bet you 5 bucks that she will be a 40 year old corporate exec that wishes she had a family.)

[motorman543]

I appreciate the insight Lilly and the honesty Budman.

 

Lily I tried setting up convient dates or times to see eachother but go no where. How about lunch? (you are going to think I am crazy but I usually skip lunch or have my interns bring me something) Excuses, excuses I know. But I can't ever tell if they are valid or not so it confuses me. Especially when she returns my phone calls. If she wasn't interested I would think she would just not return them or be truthful. (maybe this is part of her imaturity)

 

Budman you are probably correct. I had this mentality when I first started taking her out on dates and was ready to give up on her. But then something told me to try one more time a little harder and she really came around for a week or two and it just went to show that hard work pays off. But there has been a steady decline in contact. And yes you are right she probably wouldn't go out of her way to contact me at this point. It woud need to be me again, which is ridiculous after she cancelled twice on me.

 

Soooo...with all that said. How do I clear things up and come to a resolution for myself? I don't like the idea of just not talking anymore. I think it is childish and only leaves things awkward for future encounters that will certainly occur. Should I just pull her aside next time I see her and talk to her or just act like we never dated and limit talking to her? Or call/e-mail her one last time?

[Lily04]

motorman, whatever feels best for you... I am in the same situation now, with regards to thinking about whether I should call the guy I'm into or e-mail (in this case, I have been the flaky one like the girl you're into, i'm not in your shoes exactly)... I e-mailed him and he never replied yet. I think I'm just going to wait until school starts again and ask him out for drinks....but it will be extremely tough 'cause I'm scared of rejection!! I mean just reading over Budman's post that says to dump her... how do I know he's not feeling the same way?

 

I basically want to make amends for being so flaky with my time and accusing him of being a player (ok i admit, i had trust issues...) but I acknowledged that now & want to give it another shot. We'll see what happens... I would put the onus on *her* to contact you instead (as I am putting it on myself), but if you want to contact her wait a while & don't make it seem like a date... I think a bit of distance between you two could be good for now, not to jump right into something that seems a bit unsure of where it's going... just my 2 cents.

 

Lily

[Budman]

(making an add)

 

By Ditch her I mean stop initiating!

 

It is kinda weird to call someone you've not spoke to in 5 months (or 5 weeks), and say Hey I don't think we're working out, I wish you the best". That's a little odd don't ya think!

 

Lily, if you want to make contact make contact (btw just got your pm today I'm a typin). Don't email either, use the phone. Also, you could be honest as an explaination (I'm sorry I'm not very experienced in relationships) and if he walks he walks (he's not good enough for you! I said it ya, oh ya).

 

Anyway Op, she's immature she can't do the right thing by telling you she's not interested. She's basically saying it by actions. Best to move on and stop initiating. By continuing this path you are making your chances with her decrease with every phone call.

 

And lastly, all you successful peeps get me a full time job (I've been looking for over 2 months and my bastardish employeers won't give me full time bah, I've been here for 5 years....)

 

Anyway, Good luck to ye both!