Ending it with other person -- question?

[ILovePasta]

Hello ENA,

 

Simple question that I would like to get feedback and opinions on. My ex and I have started to work towards rebuilding our relationship. After alot of talking and venting, we've decided to get back together.

 

The problem is, when we broke up she started 'hanging out' with another guy. She broke up with me over the phone while I was away and subsequently found interest in another person. I hurt her very badly and I wasn't surprised that this happened.

 

However, upon my return seeing each other made us both want to try and rebuild our relationship. It has been quite a journey. As many people know, overcoming issues of the past is NEVER easily done.

 

In any case, we've reached that point, but that other guy has been a concern of mine. They text each other back and forth, generally small flirty things. My ex and I have come to a head about it and she understands my concerns. However, the other guy recently found out, via my girlfriend telling him, that she and I are getting back together. He unloaded his emotional feelings he has towards her. Im not sure exactly what was said, but it had to do with him liking her and him wanting a chance to be with her.

 

I've found out that she asked to see him, saying "i miss you, *small talk*, Im off tomorrow, what are you doing?"

 

I got extremely upset and confronted her about it. Her explination was that she wanted to inform him in person about her decision to get back with me and that he needs to discontinue communication with her. She explained that she didn't want to do it over the phone because it was not right. Also, she said she worded her message that way because he ignored any and all previous attempts she made to let him know that he needs to stop. She said that she would message him "I need to talk to you about (me)..." and would get no response.

 

Needless to say, I was very upset. I wanted to see what others think of this situation and whether or not what she is doing is justified? Or do I have a reason and a right to be upset?

 

Thanks in advance,

ILP

[downbroken]

Well she needs to tell him. I think that is fair that she wants to tell him in person. I don't think it was right to start a message with "I miss you". You don't say that to someone you are about to break contact with. If I were you I would make sure that she is really committed to working things out with you and not trying to keep the other guy on the back burner just in case.

Good Luck.

 

D&B

[ILovePasta]

Well she needs to tell him. I think that is fair that she wants to tell him in person. I don't think it was right to start a message with "I miss you". You don't say that to someone you are about to break contact with. If I were you I would make sure that she is really committed to working things out with you and not trying to keep the other guy on the back burner just in case.

Good Luck.

 

D&B

 

Her 'reasoning' was that previous attempts she made to inform him went unanswered or ignored. She felt that by saying something like this, it would 'peek' his interest into finally talking about something he prolly didn't want to hear... that's her explination anyway....

[downbroken]

Well you know her. Was this a good enough answer for you? Trust is the key here as in any other relationship. If you guys are going to work through all this you need to trust each other. If you can't trust her, then you need to ask yourself if this is a good move trying to work things out.

[ILovePasta]

Im not sure. Sometimes it does make sense, but then my mind starts going with more questions and her reasoning makes less and less sense. Sometimes I feel as if my own mind is my worst enemy, and other times I feel its my guardian angel.

 

She has lied in the past about this guy, and every time her reasoning is that she didn't want to hurt me.

[majord23]

I agree that it comes down to how much you are willing to trust her.

 

HOWEVER - Considering that she has a history with this guy, he still has feelings for her and she has lied to you about him in the past, I would be calling her on her BS.

 

Is she with you, or with him? She is being totally disrespectful to you and needs to be told.

She can block his number, ignore his contact...hell, there are 100's of steps that she could take to get him out of her life - yet she chooses to meet him face to face, and pre-texts it by texting him that she misses him????

 

Snap out of it mate - you are allowing her to play you for a fool. And if she is being honest about her intentions in regards to meeting with him, then *she* is acting like a fool.

[SuperDave71]

Hey there,

 

 

I COMPLETELY 2nd what Majord23 JUST said....100%

 

 

Now..the question is....WHICH ONE IS THE SAFETY NET?? Hmmmmmm

 

 

If I were you...I would take "Me" outta the equation.

 

 

 

 

Your Friend,

 

 

SuperDave71

[RayKay]

Meeting him to break it off is one thing, I think that is the fair thing to do.

 

But texting him flirty messages back and forth and saying she "misses you" to him.....hm, well, what does YOUR gut tell you, because to me that does not align with someone whom is prepared to work out with you solely; meaning also ending it with this other guy.

 

If she has lied before about this guy, I would not be so sure she is not now. The fact is she should not HAVE to lie about this guy in the first place because nothing should be going on that would hurt you in the first place!

[ILovePasta]

Very many thanks for the feedback.

 

Major - her reasoning was that it was unfair to not let him know and simply discontinue contact. Prior, I've told her the exact thing that you just mentioned... it is dissrespectful of her to continue to do this, knowing that we are trying to get back together and it upsets me. She claims she hasn't texted him back since we had this talk, until.... He has been texting her random things, and to give him a hint, she mentioned that her and I are getting back together. At this point, she says that is when he starts coming on with the 'i really like you, blah blah' texts and it took her by surprise. She then started texting him back about the 'we need to talk...'.

 

SuperDave - yep, i've pondered that question a million times. Quite frankly, I still don't know. My gut says it would be him. I've tried to end it with her and go NC several times before and she would literally fight me to make it not so.

 

RayKay - well, I've wondered about this as well, and maybe I need a good slap to wake me up. Her explination or rather, her reasoning was: He was the only thing that made you comeback to me, and made you want to try and be a better person (if u read my previous posts, you'll have a better understanding of how our relationship was... i wasn't the greatest of Bfs). She said that if he was still around, it would always make me try.... Goodness, that sounds so stupid, rereading it as I type.

 

Granted, she has a very legitimate reason to fear that I haven't changed and once I 'have her', things would go back to how they were. She is terrified (and I believe this 100%), that I would go back to the way I was before.

[SuperDave71]

What the ?????

 

 

 

 

The truth be told...you didn't want NC in the first place.

 

She didn't fight you, you didn't want to let go.

 

 

 

 

-SuperDave71

[majord23]

Very many thanks for the feedback.

 

Major - her reasoning was that it was unfair to not let him know and simply discontinue contact. Prior, I've told her the exact thing that you just mentioned... it is dissrespectful of her to continue to do this, knowing that we are trying to get back together and it upsets me. She claims she hasn't texted him back since we had this talk, until.... He has been texting her random things, and to give him a hint, she mentioned that her and I are getting back together. At this point, she says that is when he starts coming on with the 'i really like you, blah blah' texts and it took her by surprise. She then started texting him back about the 'we need to talk...'.

 

Her reasoning is correct, BUT meeting up with him (if her intentions are sincere) is actually doing him no favours. Search these boards - you'll find countless posts made by people that have met with exes and taken *massive* steps backwards as a result.

Coupled with the fact that she has been swapping flirty texts with him, and finally texting "I miss you"...then you can only imagine how painful it would be for him to finally meet her and be told to stop contacting her.

So if THAT is her justification, then it makes no sense whatsoever.

 

The above is written on the assumption that her motivation is genuine...but I have my doubts as to whether it is. Her behaviour indicates that she doesn't want to be seen as the 'bad guy' by either you or the other fellow....so is keeping you both 'on side'.

 

How do you know that she isn't meeting up with him to reassure him that you and her aren't serious? Maybe he heard about your reconcilation and started to pull away....and she is now in 'damage control'.

 

Maybe she is scared of being with you without him lurking in the background - there are countless negative options here mate...and given her history of being 'less than honest' - I think you have to start considering that perhaps one of the 'negative options just may be accurate.

 

If you are with her, I would have thought that your feelings would take priority over his - if she isn't in agreement with that, then you have to wonder just where her affections are.

[majord23]

What the ?????

 

I've tried to end it with her and go NC several times before and she would literally fight me to make it not so.

 

And just to focus on this - this girl was extremely insecure when you withdrew from her life.....wouldn't it stand to reason that she may also be insecure if the other guy is withdrawing from her life?

 

 

She seems to be attracted (to a degree) to that which she cannot have/is about to lose.

 

Food for thought ILP.

[ILovePasta]

Was talking with a few co-workers at lunch. Told them about what happened and their response was:

 

If she truly wanted to be with you and you alone, there would be NO reason to have to explain anything to the other guy, given the fact that they did not know each other for a long time, nor were they in a relationship together.

 

Is that a fair assesment?

[majord23]

Is that a fair assesment?

 

As fair as it comes ILP.

I know it's hard at the moment to view this with objective eyes, but if you are able to - you will see that you are being treated unfairly here mate (or *allowing* yourself to be treated unfairly).

 

If I was with someone that I wanted to be with, but had an ex hanging around 'in the background', I would have NO problem texting, emailing, calling etc to tell them (nicely) what was happening in my life and that contact would have to stop.

I wouldn't for a moment consider meeting with them face to face if the person I loved wasn't comfortable with it.

 

Your girlfriends unwillingness to extend you the courtesy of giving you peace of mind, and avoid hurting you is worrying to say the least.

[ILovePasta]

Thanks Major,

 

to make it even worse is the fact that she and the other guy are not even 'exes'. They have never had a relationship, nor were they dating... it was merely 'friends hanging out'. Meaning, she has ZERO ties to this guy.

[ILovePasta]

Also, she has some very important things of mine... things i need back asap. However, getting this things back from her is rather difficult. She absolutely refuses to return them.

 

Mailing, having a friend get them, etc... are not options. I need these things back, literally today. When I tried to have them returned, she would've honestly had to have been unconscious for me to get it... so i left emptied handed. She refuses until I talk to her, let her explain and understand that what she is saying is the truth.

 

Any ideas how to approach this?

[ILovePasta]

Dang, she just came to my work place and dropped off some really nice deserts, a lil stuffed dog and a card which read:

 

"I Still believe in us. I'm sorry baby. I'm trying to fix everything ~Your girl"

 

Im assuming this still doesnt change a thing?

 

.... *Sigh*