Best date ever and no calls after

[ballerina]

He started a conversation with me at a bar, asked for my phone number. I found myslef attracted to him. He called the next day and took me to the best date in my life. We slept together that night. We are both over 45 and divorced. I called after a few days and he showed up to meet me shortly. We had another great evening. He said he would call and I could call him too. It has been 10 days now. I called him once and left a message. He had mentioned that he would be busy for the next 2 weeks. What do you guys think? Did I make a mistake by being availble? I wanted to be myslef and not play games.

[hosswhispra]

He had mentioned that he would be busy for the next 2 weeks. What do you guys think? Did I make a mistake by being availble? I wanted to be myslef and not play games.

 

It's hard to tell because he did say he'd be busy for the next two weeks.

 

You called and left a message. I believe the proverbial ball is now in his court. If he wants to get in touch with you he has your number.

 

What does you gut say? Listen to it.

[Batya33]

If you were being yourself my guess is you wouldn't have slept with him in a "no strings attached" fashion because you would have known that you get emotionally attached through sex - proven by the fact that you care so much that you haven't heard from him even though you only met him twice (not including at the bar).

 

Instead of being yourself, you may have been being "needy" and wanting his attention while ignoring your true self which likely would have not had sex under those circumstances. I understand you were attracted to him, wanted to have sex and didn't want to wait to get to know him over time and as a person but I wouldn't call that "not playing games" - I would call that playing games with your heart and emotions.

 

You don't want to have the mindset of "when I don't play games, men don't want me anyway so what's the point." or sort of giving yourself credit for having casual sex in the name of being "open." Don't beat yourself up for having sex early on but better - for purposes of future relationships - that you be honest with yourself and admit to yourself that you had sex simply because you wanted to and were willing to take the risks with your heart and emotions. You might also decide that next time the risks of too much physical intimacy too soon without any emotional knowledge of each other don't outweigh the benefits of having the sexual pleasure/instant gratification.

 

The reason "the rules" exist is as a guideline for when it's easy to make decisions in the heat of the moment or based on lust -- it's not about playing games but having a little "reminder" in your head that perhaps being too sexually available too soon will risk too much of your heart and possibly not give the man a chance to get to know you fully clothed and in public.

 

After two dates there is no guarantee of another date unless a specific time/place plan has been made -- that you had sex doesn't make a difference. I agree that the ball is in his court.

 

Good luck.

[annie24]

hey - don't beat yourself up. the ball is in his court, like the others said. i'd just go about my business. if I were in your shoes, and if he didn't call me within 1 more week, I would just mentally write him off.

 

either way, things will work out for the best

[Corridor Fog]

I'd say give it some time. He could be away on a business trip. After three (and certainly after four) weeks have gone by and he still hasn't called, then I'd start to wonder.

[clemons]

If he said he wouldn't be around for two weeks obviously he isn't going to be around for two weeks. So it is no different than if he hasn't called you for a day.

 

Maybe after these two weeks you could plan a surprise date for him.

[MessedUpInHead]

no matter how good a date is, a guy will always remember if he slept with you within the first couple dates. men are stupid like that since they realized they got what they needed with no challenge. next time even though it feels awesome never sleep on the 1st or 2nd date, seriously.

[annie24]

well, I know of couples who got married or are engaged and they had sex on the first date... but yeah, that is the exception, rather than the rule.

 

If he said he wouldn't be around for two weeks obviously he isn't going to be around for two weeks. So it is no different than if he hasn't called you for a day.

 

part of me feels.... (and maybe my standards are too high!) is .... how hard is it for him to pick up the phone during the two week busy period and call just to say hi? i mean, he doesn't have to make a date if he is busy, but you know, just to call, check in, make sure that she is alive? I know even when I'm super busy, I like talking to someone I am dating, because it makes me feel good.

[Dating Coach]

He did say he'd be busy for 2 weeks. Wait and see when this time has past.

[rocio]

no matter how good a date is, a guy will always remember if he slept with you within the first couple dates. men are stupid like that since they realized they got what they needed with no challenge. next time even though it feels awesome never sleep on the 1st or 2nd date, seriously.

 

It really depends on the guy, as well as the way you've handled the situation. If you show that you completely respect yourself, there are some guys who have respect for a girl who has enough confidence to "get hers", even on the first date.

 

However, as a general rule, if you are really interested in the guy then it's not a good idea to sleep with him right away, because you're just setting yourself up for disappointment. Only sleep with a guy soon into the relationship IF you are willing to say, "hey, at least I had a good time" and move on in the event that he doesn't call.

[finewhine]

Don't beat yourself up for sleeping with him. That said, he's under no obligation to call you.

 

I had the best date ever last month and... no call. It happens, for whatever reason. Just enjoy the time you had together and don't stress too much.

[ballerina]

Thank you all for your postings. It is quite helpful to read your opinions. I neglected to mention that the guy looked as attractvie as Johnny Depp or Brad Pitt to me. So at the time I thought it might be once in a life time and so be it. But now I am longing for more.

The most common reply is wait for 2 weeks and see. That's what I'm going to do.

Batya33, I have read your other postings and appreciate your opinion, I may have acted needy, but why is it that the guy has the right to freely express his need for sex while the woman has to supress it?

[rocio]

Batya33, I have read your other postings and appreciate your opinion, I may have acted needy, but why is it that the guy has the right to freely express his need for sex while the woman has to supress it?

 

Because guys don't spend 3 weeks sitting on the couch with a tub of ice cream and a box of kleenex if the girl doesn't call back.

[MrKadash]

No Amber, we just sit on the couch with a beer and pretzels watching sports.....

[bighair]

I don't think there are any rules when it comes to having sex. I think one should always be safe and smart about it. Sure, it makes sense not to have sex so early on in the relationship. Of course, there are people who have been married/ are in LTRs who have had sex on their first date.

 

However, I have been in more than one rel. where there were a great deal of emotional intimacies that have been shared...It is even more difficult to get over one of those relationships when they dont' work out. You have shared your innermost self with someone and they blow you off, or run away.

 

So, I don't know friends, I have a very good friend whose marriage almost ended because she had an emotional affair with another man. They never had sex, never touched each other but they shared things with one another that they weren't telling their respective partners. Hey, if it was just sex, a one night, instant gratification, while a betrayal, it's easier to handle. When you share yourself with someone, you're letting them inside your heart.

[Batya33]

As someone else posted there are typically greater risks - in several ways, not just emotionally - with early sex. I think the greatest risk is to those who delude themselves into believing they are ok with casual sex when indeed they are not and then call the other person (usually the man) a "jerk" for not calling them again even though they agreed to no strings attached s_x. I too know people who are in marriages that started from a one night stand. I know far more people who have a pattern of early s_x/one night stands, no healthy relationships and develop negative mindsets about men and relationships.

 

I like how in the Rules book (I've been following the rules since a decade prior to it being published, with much success) it warns not to share too much emotionally to fast/too soon in the name of trying to "bond" as that can backfire too.

[annie24]

There is a book I love called "Mr. Right, Right now!" by E. Jean Carroll. She is one of my favorite writers, really funny and witty.

 

Batya33, I have read your other postings and appreciate your opinion, I may have acted needy, but why is it that the guy has the right to freely express his need for sex while the woman has to supress it?

 

ok, I'm not batya but, E. jean carroll calls it "Bible belt bull hockey." OR the the "Oh - I think I'm falling for her.... Ooops! she's a *beep*!" Some guys may be into sex early on, but then right afterwards, they think, "oh, I wonder how many other guys she has done this with...."

 

i know, it's not fair, it's a double standard. but, that's the way that *some* guys think. not all. I do know of couples who had sex on the first date, and now they are married or in a long-term relationship, but, as I said earlier, that's the exception, not the rule.

 

Speaking strictly as a microbiologist (which I am), I think it's best to wait until you have known him for a while and you have both had your bloodwork done. HIV won't always show up in your blood right away - it can take 6 months! And in addition to HIV (which is incurable), there are a whole host of other nasty STDs out there, many of which are asymptomatic and can cause sterility. 75% of cases of chlamydia in women are asymptomatic, and many women don't know they have it until they have been trying to get pregnant for several years, and then find out all their reproductive organs are useless.

 

ok, I'll get off my soapbox now. yeah, it may feel good at the time, but I if you are looking to be healthy and not to expose your emotional vulnerabilities too early, better to wait.

[MessedUpInHead]

Don't beat yourself up for sleeping with him. That said, he's under no obligation to call you.

 

I had the best date ever last month and... no call. It happens, for whatever reason. Just enjoy the time you had together and don't stress too much.

 

another negative part...maybe he thought the sex wasn't as good or no chemistry on his end.

 

either way, ignore him & go fishing again.

[Batya33]

Thank you all for your postings. It is quite helpful to read your opinions. I neglected to mention that the guy looked as attractvie as Johnny Depp or Brad Pitt to me. So at the time I thought it might be once in a life time and so be it. But now I am longing for more.

The most common reply is wait for 2 weeks and see. That's what I'm going to do.

Batya33, I have read your other postings and appreciate your opinion, I may have acted needy, but why is it that the guy has the right to freely express his need for sex while the woman has to supress it?

 

That is not what I said at all. You do not need to suppress your need for sex. If you need sex, you have to decide whether you want to take the risk of fulfilling that need right then - instant gratification - which risks you getting emotionally attached too early on -- or decide that you will not give in to that need until you have established a relationship with the person. You always have a right to express your need for sex - I would say you don't have a right to expect that just because you have no strings attached sex that the man has any more of an obligation to call you or date you than if you hadn't had sex.

 

I have gone out with many men who wanted to have sex with me (as they told me later on) but decided not to mention it early on for fear of my feeling pressured or even perhaps offended. On the whole though I think it is easier for men to have casual sex - with exceptions of course (my bf being one of them - he won't do that) than women, who tend to get more strongly attached through sex.

 

And in the sometimes "game" of dating, often a woman who wants a relationship as opposed to a fling should strategically wait to have sex until she has a steady relationship with the man. I am not saying she should be a tease, but it might be better to protect your heart. As for me, I don't "hold out" ; rather, I have no interest in having sex outside of a committed, caring/loving relationship with strong potential for a future. I am not judging you for having a different perspective just giving you mine.

[ballerina]

2 weeks and 2 days, no calls. It's over. I don't regret it though. I learned something LOL, at this age. Since he kept saying he would be busy, he was preparing to escape and not get bothered. As someone here said, at least I had fun. Thank you all for thinking with me.

[annie24]

"If not him, then someone better...."