The time is near

[Snow Patrol]

Today is a day I never thought I'd reach. I remember when I was about 5 how I wondered if I would be so lucky to reach 100 years old. I really missed that I thought like that but I had no idea that at 20 this is how much I would value life.

 

I have been battling suicidal thoughts for a few months now but what kept me alive was the hope that my ex would get back together with me after our break or that I would start to get over her or at least believe I will eventually. Well today she confirmed the former won't happen and the latter hasn't happened and won't ever happen. I can be told things will get better but I can't tell you how sure I am that it won't. It's not just that we are no longer together, although that is a big part of it. The reality that I will be going through life without a partner is too daunting. I would have to lower my expectations and that wouldn't be fair for anyone I was with. I won't be able to love someone else romantically again: 1) Because there is nobody else more a match for me than me ex is 2) I don't have the capacity to love someone else again; if it didn't work out with my ex it is highly unlikely that any future relationship could last. I won't be able to trust anyone again. Believe me, if there was hope or if there was something that could help me, I would be all over it. But there isn't.

 

I have had a good life and my only real regrets from taking my life would be hurting my friends and family. I believe that it's not how long you lived for, it's how you lived. I found the most amazing woman which I can only explain as giving me a euphoria for 2 1/2 years of my life that can't be described. The unfortunate thing of course is there is only one of her on Earth, and it would be a lifelong struggle to try and overcome not being with her. I just don't have it in me to fight a battle for my life when I know it is fruitless. My family and friends can only help me for so long. When it comes down to it, I realize that I have to want to live. I cannot continue to bring everyone else down. My passing would be a tough thing to deal with now but it would only be tougher for both me and those who care for me to spend years in depression and then finally commit suicide since that with near 100% certainty is what will happen.

 

Although this may appear to be a call for help, it is more to thank everyone on this board for their support as I tried get through these tough times. Thank you so much I appreciate that you took the time to help a complete stranger. I wish you all the best.

[Daddy Bear]

hey, hold up! think for a minute: suicide is the absolute worst thing you can do to yourself, and don't pretend that your friends and family would ever get over it. the ONLY way you can be sure that you won't have a good future is to take your life--is that not true?

 

i know you think that she's the only one, but at 20 that's just not being realistic. stick around, and i'm sure you'll be glad that you did.

 

you're going to miss a lot of good concerts...

[sparkle1]

Youre post is very poignant.

 

You are clearly in a very low place. And i can see that you've previously threaded on here and people have supported you...however, you need to be able to support yourself a little.

 

We all have different ways of seeing life, you way isn't wrong, however, it would be such a crying shame for you to leave the world.

 

Your family and friends would be devastated. Please don't play down what you know will be the case.

 

You feel like you do today - and maybe tomorrow. but the next you may feel better...

 

There is no magic cure for what you are feeling....but keep posting and talking...

 

And please do not take your own life xxx

[arwen]

Hey SnowPatrol,

 

I understand your feelings of depression and loneliness. Break ups are very very hard to process.

 

You mention a couple of things that I think you can also see in another perspective. Of course you can't imagine NOW that you will ever love anyone as much as you loved the ex. That's because the wound is still fresh and the love you had for her was genuine and pure. But there is NO way you can ever KNOW that there is no one in the world with whom you'd have a similar or even better connection. That's just impossible to know. The only way to know for sure that you eliminate ALL possibilities for your life forever, is to take your life and end it.

 

That means you will throw away a future of growth, healing, moving on, and god knows how many interesting and valuable people you will meet in the future (not just in the romantic sense).

 

In addition, isn't there more to your life than your ex? I can understand that the current pain makes it feel like there is nothing else, that is due to the nature of pain, not to the nature of love though. Pain overrules most other emotions and aspects you can experience in life, but it also has the pleasant property that it will gradually fade.

 

Give life a chance, that's all I am saying. Keep the faith, because a lot of good things are still on their way for you. I can promise you that. I know how you feel, I have been there, believe me! It's a dark place, but if you manage to stick through, the light you see after that is more bright than you have ever witnessed before. In other words, you will appreciate the good times even more once you start to move on from this rough patch in your life.

 

Take care,

 

Ilse

[Bethany]

Well I got to say this... she couldn't have been THAT great because she dumped you, didn't she?

 

You were involved with someone who didn't feel the same, she wasn't taken away because of death, she made a decision to leave you because she didnt feel the same. Isn't it better to think that you should RAISE your standards rather than drop them? If not her, then someone better?

 

Don't let your thoughts talk you into believing that there is nobody out there for you, because there is.. There WILL be someone out there who will love you for the rest of your life and all you have to do is stick around and wait for her. She's on her way right now, looking for you.And when she finds you, you will be so glad you stuck around to meet her.

 

 

I know it's hard to believe right now, but trust me, the girl of your dreams is on her way.

[Spugly Fuglet]

May I ask are you still there?

 

I dont wont to talk to you if your all ready dead, I think I have some words that can help you in a way you may least expect.

[MyNinja]

Think about this for a minute. Suicide is a PERMANENT solution to a TEMPORARY problem.

 

think about it......

[Snow Patrol]

I am still here for the simple reason that others want me to be here. I suppose I'm alive in the sense that my heart still beats.

 

Have you ever entered a race where you know you can't win? That is what it comes down to except this race is many marathons in length. After completing the first marathon it dawns on you that there is no way you can make it until the end.

 

Think about this for a minute. Suicide is a PERMANENT solution to a TEMPORARY problem.

 

think about it......

 

Or it could be a permanent solution to a permanent problem. There are those who battle depression for a lifetime. I cannot see how they can say 'I'm glad I made the choice to live' rather than realizing what they knew all those years ago.

 

I am not saying I will leave this world today or tomorrow but I believe that it's only a matter of time before the inevitable occurs. I will take it day by day and thereforeeee give myself the chance to be proven wrong.

[Spugly Fuglet]

Snow Patrol may I say this.

 

Once you where a boy who never met the girl who was to harm the man, he had dreams and hopes, he live and jokes and sang and run and played and in his hart was joy.

 

we are many and we are one, that is the truth of being human, inside of us all so many others hide.

 

pick a night and on that night go to bed, think of it as your last night, that with the act of sleep you will full away from this life it will be ended. The you now will go and never come back.

 

When the light comes in to morning in your place will be a man, who has no past, no history, others will say he looks like some one they know, but how could they know he had gone. How could they know the man with them is not that man.

 

I man who was given a clean new life, I life that can hold any thing, who will this man like from thows he meets, when he eats and drinks what food will he like, of the shows and films he sees which will he find funny. Do's he like cars, dos he like houses, cat and rain, will this man be kind, will he be crule, well he hold, will he care, will he take and share, will he gain wisdom, will smell the sea, what will the man find out there in the world.

 

If you are going to throw your life away then do it, but with one nights sleep thats all I ask. Let that other man take up where you have given up and let go into the world.

 

We live like wood on the sea, the rise and fall of our lives are but moments, we hold with in us so many others if only we could let them out.

[Daddy Bear]

following up on Spugly Fuglet's brilliant post with one from a somewhat smaller brain, i wonder how you'd advise me in this situation:

 

i'm trapped in a small room alone and i've been poisoned. it wasn't enough to kill me, but the pain has been awful for months and i have no idea how it will last. there is enough food and water in here to last a long time. there is also a pistol (and obviously a computer, and let's say a bathroom).

 

spores from the toadstool that made me sick are hanging thick in the air, preventing me from getting better. the pictures of mushrooms on the wallpaper don't help, either. every time i look at them, the nausea starts all over again. god, i just want this awful torture to go away so i can get my health back. should i keep struggling through this hell and see how long it takes for the air to clear, or for an immunity to the toxin to build up in my system? or should i just say screw it and put the gun to my head?

 

(does this story sound familiar?)

 

by the way, there don't appear to be any locks on the door. maybe i should try the knob?

 

-------

 

Snow Patrol, you may be thinking, what a lame metaphor!, but the point of it is that the real-life story of painful loss behind it did happen to me not too long before it happened to you. i went through a year of anguish--and yes, thoughts of suicide--before i realized that there really WASN'T a lock on the door and that i was free to rejoin the world any time i wanted. even though it was a girl who handed me the toadstool (i shouldn't have bitten... but that's another story), the tormentor who had kept me in that unhealthy, claustrophobic room all that time was... me.

 

sure, every once in a while i catch a whiff of that poison fungus on the wind, but it hardly does a thing to me now. i can live and love and function again like i was born to. i'm free. i'm FREE! who could ask for more?

 

take it from one who knows: you don't really want to die, but just to be rid of the pain, so forget about the 'gun' of death and go for the 'doorknob' of self-liberation.

 

i'm sure i could have found a better way to say all of this, but i hope you'll forgive me for that and consider my point anyway.

[cu2010]

Snow Patrol,

 

I don't know if this will make you feel better but here's the simple fact. You are in control of your life. You only remain unhappy because you allow yourself to remain unhappy. That's not the way things should be. Perhaps try getting out and doing something with friends. Maybe get a job. Anyhting to take your mind off of your situation will help. Even better try doin' something good for someone. You'll be surprised how far a good deed will go in making you feel better. As for you never finding another S/O that is a lie. Granted you will never find someone to love with the attitude you have now. You must make the conscious decision to feel better and then someone will show up.

 

Also think about this. If you died tomorrow how many people would be at your funeral. Maybe it's 100, 10, or 1. How ever many it is it doesn't matter. If it is one then that is the 1 absolute best reason to stay alive. If it's 100 then you have 100 of the best reason's. Don't feel like noone loves you because there are a lot that do.

[Honey_30]

trust me your family will never get over it.never ever ever !

[Spugly Fuglet]

"take it from one who knows: you don't really want to die, but just to be rid of the pain, so forget about the 'gun' of death and go for the 'doorknob' of self-liberation. "

 

Very well put SB I think my post was trying to say just the same thing, walk out the room but keep a hold of life

[Juliana]

I am the last person to tell you that you are wrong in your feeling that you will never stop loving your ex. Boy, am I ever. And believe me, I tried everything, literally everything.

 

However. I have maybe 20 years perspective on your situation, and I can tell you this: You are more than the pain. The pain is not the whole relationship. There was also love and hope and faith. And that was all true, too, or nothing was true.

 

What legacy of her love will you leave, then? Despair? Is that the last message you will send her, that her love killed the one she loved?

 

There is more to you than that. There is more to me, was more to me, than that.

 

It has been worth living and loving again. Yes, there was only one of her. But there are other people who are also worthwhile, and in time, you may find the courage to open your heart to allow yourself to love again; not the love you had with her, which, like a house you once shared, is another place entirely, but a new place, a new home for your love.

 

It's too early to tell you these things you won't want to believe in. And I've never been able to do what everyone tells me I should; get angry at him, blame him, think less of him. He was who he was, and I loved him. But that is also the whole reason I had to survive, and go on, and live.

[booberry]

I thought my life was over when i lost what I considered the love of my life when I was younger. I felt exactly how you feel right now, and the only reason I didnt commit suicide was I was stopped, minutes before I tried. Honestly though, I think I was also too afraid to (we dont have access to fast quick methods where I'm from).

 

As I said, I thought I couldnt get over it and was thinking exactly like you do. My vision was so clouded and dark; all I could see was my own pain. I was ashamed and sad that I would hurt my family, but I just wanted the pain to stop any way I could and ending my life was the only option I could see.

 

My life since has been wonderful. Sure I've had ups and downs, but there have been times in my life since that have been so meaningful that I cannot believe that I almost didnt give myself the chance to experience them. You really do have a good life ahead of yourself, just give life a chance.

[Snow Patrol]

I appreciate all of your posts. Since my last post months ago, I have taken the advice of those who have been through these experiences and gave it time, gave life a chance. I kept going, got through the fall semester and made it to Christmas. By this time however I really didn't care what happened to me any more. I listened to others and tried to do things I have enjoyed in the past. I kept playing squash but that sport requires so much heart to continue when you hit the wall of fatigue and I clearly didn't have that heart. I watched football and supported my team Arsenal, but the passion I felt just no longer was there. Oh, and listening to music was no longer the pleasant experience it was.

 

My parents have known about my depression for months, they did everything they could to try to convince me life was worth living, and when they couldn't do that they suggested antidepressants. I decided to take them not only for their sake but to see for myself if there really was a way that could help the way I felt. I have been on them for 2 months now and they honestly did help a bit, but I went from being extremely unhappy, having no hope whatsoever and absolutely no motivation/drive to continue on to being unhappy, having little hope and possessing a weak motivation/drive. Better, but still far from good as you can see.

 

I no longer hang out with my close group of about 8 friends when I'm back home on break because my ex is in the group. There's no way I can pretend to be alright and hang out with them, don't really need to explain why I don't think. I still am good friends with the 3 people I share a place with at university. It got to the stage where I told them why I would lock my door and avoid them. It just isn't fair on them if I'm depressed to hang out with them. The times I did feel a bit better I made an effort to socialize and hang out with them, and still do often with a forced smile and demeanor.

 

I also met 4 new girls earlier this semester (January) and became friends with them. After a couple of weeks, something totally unexpected happened; I became interested in one of them. I wasn't going to act on it, but after some time I told myself what the heck, I'm probably not ever going to fully recover from the breakup with my ex, but I shouldn't let this keep an opportunity from passing. So I asked her out, she accepted and we had a good time on our date. Things were good I thought, she said at the end of the date she would like to go out again after her midterms and I said I would like that too. So for a few days I felt like things were starting to take a turn for a better. Then I asked her out again and she said: "i liked hanging out with you, it was a good night! i think tho that, right now at least ...i like you more as a friend. and, i don't know if that will change or not, but i feel like i just met you. so i just wanted to be honest about this stuff. and i do like being around you we have fun together.you are sweet and nice and all those great things!"

 

Friendzoned, yeah it sucks. She said she hoped things could still between good between us and I agreed. So I've been hanging out with them in a group but it's just so hard when you have to try and suppress your feelings and behave a certain way. I might just stop hanging out with them, I don't know. Why do I even try any more? Really, I know I can't live my life by myself but at the same time I am friendzoned/rejected whenever I try to initiate a relationship. I make a real effort not to give a negative vibe when I'm with others, and I really don't think I do.

 

Anyway, this is getting far too long. I tried, what can I say. I made a real effort to try to get through this but I just don't think it's worth trying any more. I'm as depressed as ever. Anti depressants may help me but not as they have been prescribed. I guess I'm still here because of my family, I don't want to hurt anyone but I don't feel like I have a choice anymore. It's either I hurt or others hurt, it truly sucks.

[Spugly Fuglet]

Snow Patrol you tryed, thats what counts you tryed and in doing so things moved, dont stop now, more things in your life will shift,

 

As for Arsenal (my team as well) im getting depression just seeing how there playing of late but could be wase could be Man-U

[Stu147]

The above was posted a long time ago so excuse the fact that my reference to it is a bit late, but I just wanted to say what an inspired passage of writing that is. Was that your own words Spugly? Without doubt one of the most thought provoking posts I have read, on this or any forum.