My break-up story.. Am I wrong??

[itsallgrand]

Well I'm basing this on past experiences, and other people I see around me.. It always starts out happy, trusting and loving.. What happens when one party cheats or decides they want out..

 

Even if someone cheats, they still shouldn't have to financially compensate someone after a divorce.. Like I said before the FACTS are over 60% of marriages end in divorce.. That's more than half..

 

I don't see where there is room for this relationship to work if you are this afraid of 'what ifs'.

 

True, there are no guarantees. You might lose some cash, if she cheats or turns around and changes into a person who no longer thinks of how her actions affect you..or stops caring.

 

I've seen men devastated and taken to the cleaners. Woops. Wrong choice in marriage partner, or a big old blindsighter out of nowhere. Women too, I've seen this happen too.

 

All I've got to say to that is...'that is too bad'.

 

Guess you can look at the What will definetly happen if you don't change your attitude about this and see it as something worth changing....

She'll probably leave your life.

 

vs.

 

what might happen in the big scary future

[Riggz41510]

I am not arguing with you. I personally will insist on a prenup when the time comes, because I have property and money to protect, and I would rather it stay in the family than go to him!

 

however, I'm just pointing out, it doesn't seem like you guys are a good fit. like you said, you love yourself more than you love her. your own words. so I don't think marriage is the right step for you then.

 

So you feel in order for love to be real.. You have to love the other person more?? How can I love someone else, if I don't love *ME*??

[rose2summer]

How can I love someone else, if I don't love *ME*??

 

We are not saying to not love yourself, you must love yourself first before you can love another, but we are saying you just don't love her enough to commit to her, you love the BIG DOLLARS.

[annie24]

If you love your money more than you love another person, then you shouldn't marry her.

 

we are saying the exact same thing.

[Riggz41510]

I have to say reading this post COMPLETELY made me cringe. Sheesh.....

Nothing kills romance like the words" Finances, prenup, divorce court". Sounds to me like you basically want someone to screw and make you dinner. Why bother with the rest??

 

It's funny.....money does not make ANYone more OR less attractive at the end of the day.

 

Marriage is still sacred to many people...and YES some people still believe in true love. I am one of those people.

 

Good lord!! Where did I say that?? I want all the love and emotions.. I simply don't want to be married..

 

Do you think people love each other more after marriage?? If we love each other it shouldn't matter whether or not we have a contract..

[Juliana]

"So the general consensus here is that people will choose "LOVE" over protecting all there financial investments?? I guess I'm an outcast..

 

When your broke.. Love won't get you on the bus.. I've worked very hard to achieve what I have.. I had no one growing up, only me!! Why would I want to put it all on the line for love.. Its not worth it too me.."

 

Most people did not grow up in circumstances so insecure, they are now unable to let go of complete control of every financial aspect of their lives for fear that they will not be able to look after themselves.

 

I've seen this before. This need for security will dominate your entire life. Your insecurity is now ending a relationship.

 

Look around you: Most men, the majority, and most women for that matter, are able to be married; the majority of people do marry. That means that the majority have already made the decision: Yes, I am not so worried about my ability to look after myself in the future that I need to nail down every possession and every little red cent I own so that it's there in case I need it and no one can take it away. Yes, most people will choose love over money. If you're not able to, maybe you need to think about that, rather than saying there's something wrong with other people.

[pregnantkitty_1985]

I totally agree!! NOT MY WORDS

 

 

 

Just When two people love each other, do they really need a child-molesting priest to tell them it’s legit? .

 

[sARCASM]Heeeeeeeeeh, you really are just adorable!!!!![/sARCASM]

 

Really though, all of your tacky generalizations aside; if you don't believe in marriage, and don't wish to be married, then don't.

 

And no one here should be trying to convince him that it's the right thing to do. Many people (men and women) don't believe in marriage, or don't feel they need a "piece of paper" as he put it to prove their committment. It really does make sense. Plus, I can also see why he's worried about his financial assets, it's really a matter of practicality. My fiancee is going through a divorce now, and his estranged wife keeps putting off signing the final papers, filing for time extensions, clearly trying to get him for everything he's got (And he doesn't have much of anything!!!) That's why a pre-nup can be an excellent idea, based on the reality that over half of marriages do end. It's really determined by the couple; what's right for them. In a way, it's a mature and practical outlook on reality that the Original Poster has; instead of an idealized fantasy.

 

I believe in marriage; I would like to be married one day and happy and not have to worry about division of properties and all of that stuff. But it's reality.

 

If the Original Poster doesn't want to get married, or requires a prenup before he does so, then that's his prerogative. And Original Poster, if you and your girlfriend can't come to an agreement, well then, I guess you're either resigned to these two things. A) Continue on the relationship as committed one, without a piece of paper to prove it or B) End things with her (or never get her back), and find someone who has matching views to you.

 

Just try to chill with those outrageous generalizations and slight sexism (I can feel it underlying your words); you can see it's not the best way to get uncritical supportive advice. If you behave like that in real life, it makes me wonder if that's why she wants a marriage so badly, because she doesn't feel that you really are committed?

[Riggz41510]

Yes, I would, because if it meant that 4-5 marriages/10 survive, I sure would take the plunge for someone I love. And no, I am not jumping off a building, but I would do anything for a person I truly cared about, I would be willing to lose all my assets as well. But to each their own, this is about you, not me here.

 

Wow.. So how would you feel if you got married.. Your partner decides they want to leave you for someone else.. So now you have to give them Alimony every month.. Money they can spend on their new love etc..

 

That's what drove OJ over the line.. No I'm not advocating violence.. Can yo imagine how that feels.. Too have someone else with the person you love, while your financing most of it..

 

That makes my stomach cringe

[Riggz41510]

I'm just curious.... what are you trying to get out of this thread? I mean, we're not dating you or asking you to marry us. what are you trying to say? if you don't want to get married, or at least want a prenup, i think that's your perogative. so why try to convince people one way or another why marriage isn't a good option?

 

Most of the responses are questions.. Or my rebuttal's to other members comments..

 

I'm simply venting

[Riggz41510]

and like i said, you just don't sound like a good candidate for marriage. maybe you should be telling her all of this, not us.

 

I told her.. Thats why we are apart

[itsallgrand]

Vent. Be angry. Then think about which of these means more to you. Big decision of your life ahead!

 

She'll probably leave your life.

 

vs.

 

what might happen in the big scary future

 

I wish you luck and well wishes.

[Riggz41510]

you know, this argument can be turned around. if you love her so much and she means the world to you and you want to spend the rest of your life with her, why not sign one piece of paper?

 

Fine I will.. Just as long as she signs a prenup.. Simple as that..

[ImThatGirl]

WHAT IS HER HISTORY?

 

You said she has two children.

 

I just have to say - She deserves to be married. If she would sign a prenup, would you marry her? Do you love her enough?

 

What are your views on commitment? Since you think it's a legal contract, would you even take it seriously? Would you strive to make the marriage last a lifetime?

 

Or are you more concerned about "me, me, me..." Like if she doesn't do something exactly right, you're out the door?

[Juliana]

"Fine I will.. Just as long as she signs a prenup.. Simple as that.. "

 

Good stuff. That's what my ex did; he started living with a girl who pretty much had nothing, whereas he's done well, and since in Canada living with someone will require division of assets if you break up, he had her sign a pre-nup.

 

But. I would also suggest that while you're doing the pre-nup, you also hammer out some details of how you're going to work the joint finances within the marriage; your insecurity is going to require you to control the money in the relationship much more than in a normal marriage, and you need to be aware that that's going to be an issue right from the start, and that it's not her fault or her problem. You are this way because of your cr*ppy upbringing, which is not your fault, either. So just deal, and move on.

 

And congratulations. You're doing the right thing.

[justpaisley]

Look, we can argue the virtues of marriage versus the evils of marriage all day, but your breakup boils down to one simple fact: the two of you have different goals in life. Her goal is to be married, your goal is to not be married. A relationship with such drastically different goals is always bound to end, so be glad that your relationship ended now instead of when you had kids together or any investments to complicate things.

 

Now go find a woman who doesn't ever want to get married - and please don't have kids with her. You're so scared of a divorce taking all your money - if you have kids with a woman and split up with her - child support is REALLY expensive. Do not buy a house with her - unless you're the one that buys it and you just kick her out if your relationship ends... or, she can buy it and just kick you out. Even if you buy it evenly together, you're going to have to argue in court over it and all other purchases you made. Don't let her buy you anything major or pay for any trips during the course of your relationship - she can sue you for all of it if you break up. If you really, really want to protect your financial assets - it's best not to make any kind of commitment to any woman, ever.

[pregnantkitty_1985]

Heeeh... Amused here. But good advice, above posters.

[Riggz41510]

WHAT IS HER HISTORY?

 

You said she has two children.

 

I just have to say - She deserves to be married. If she would sign a prenup, would you marry her? Do you love her enough?

 

What are your views on commitment? Since you think it's a legal contract, would you even take it seriously? Would you strive to make the marriage last a lifetime?

 

Or are you more concerned about "me, me, me..." Like if she doesn't do something exactly right, you're out the door?

 

I personally feel It's important for people to have a realistic perspective on love as unrealistic expectations tend to ruin relationships. The fool hardy concept that true love lasts forever forces people to belittle past relationships. "Well I must not have really loved him/her because things ended after only a year or two." The truth is even love can run its course.

 

We were committed now. I never cheated. I adored her girls. I help with homework, cook dinner at times, gave her oldest daughter advice, helped her out fiancially.. I've helped her get her credit straight, get out of an abusive relationship. Showed her a different side of life..

 

I say all that too say I wasn't some abusive, jerk!! I just don't want to be married..

[Riggz41510]

All I want to walk away with is what I came with.. Whatever we acquire together we can split..

[Riggz41510]

Were biased. They were mostly if not all from women.. No men chimed in.. Again.. I may have said some things in my threads that sounded sexist or like I'm a jerk.. Trust me I'm not

 

Thank you for the responses and I lied to hear others points of views in depth.. My ex didn't go in depth with her feelings. It was more or less, I fee; this way and this is how it is..

 

So thank you ENA

[shellshocked]

I'm just curious.... what are you trying to get out of this thread?

 

I'm curious too...

Wonder what the OP is trying to get out of this...

 

Doesn't sound like he's looking for advice...

seems like he wants a debate...

 

I think I smell a troll.............................

[ImThatGirl]

I personally feel It's important for people to have a realistic perspective on love as unrealistic expectations tend to ruin relationships. The fool hardy concept that true love lasts forever forces people to belittle past relationships. "Well I must not have really loved him/her because things ended after only a year or two." The truth is even love can run its course.

We were committed now. I never cheated. I adored her girls. I help with homework, cook dinner at times, gave her oldest daughter advice, helped her out fiancially.. I've helped her get her credit straight, get out of an abusive relationship. Showed her a different side of life..

 

I say all that too say I wasn't some abusive, jerk!! I just don't want to be married..

 

 

I'm not knocking you regarding your opinion.

 

As far as you attempting to understand her perspective (if you care to,) I have a few things to say.

 

- I wouldn't date or live with or trust someone that has such a negative view of love and relationships.

 

- That's great that you do all of those things.

You can climb a mountain for her but I'm gathering that she has no security in your relationship because of your opinion of love and marriage.

 

And Riggz, She and her children deserve to have a complete family. They all deserve to know what to expect and have stability and security.

 

If you're not willing to give her that, then maybe it is best that you two are apart.

 

I feel very sad for all of you. Stubborn ways.... Seriously, if the two of you can't compromise reg marriage and prenup, the relationship would probably fail indeed.

[heloladies21]

This isn't about her, this is about your level of skill in keeping her around. If you still have any doubts as to your ability to keep her interested in you and not to divorce you, then you shouldn't be getting married and still have some learning to do when it comes to relationships.

[Riggz41510]

This isn't about her, this is about your level of skill in keeping her around. If you still have any doubts as to your ability to keep her interested in you and not to divorce you, then you shouldn't be getting married and still have some learning to do when it comes to relationships.

 

Huh? What does that have to do with anything?? Well what if I want out.. Should I still have to compensate her financially?

 

I would love to hear people opinons that have gone through a bad divorce.

[Riggz41510]

I'm curious too...

Wonder what the OP is trying to get out of this...

 

Doesn't sound like he's looking for advice...

seems like he wants a debate...

 

I think I smell a troll.............................

 

A troll? Whatever that is..

 

My purpose here was : I posted why my girl broke up with me.. And I've been answering as too why i didn't think I was wrong in feeling how I did..

 

I did get some useful advice from members.. Most members didn't give advice, instead told me I can't possibly love her, they just told me how I know nothing about love, and true love this..... and true love that..

 

Again most of the advice came from biased women.. If I was a woman I would be yelling *marriage* also.. Its a win-win for you guys.. If you decide to leave, I have to pay.... If I decide to leave, I have to pay..

[Riggz41510]

1. Men can get sex without marriage more easily than in times past;

 

2. Men can enjoy the benefits of having a wife by cohabiting rather than marrying;

 

3. Men want to avoid divorce and its financial risks;

 

4. Men want to wait until they are older to have children. This is a simple justification to not think about this;

 

5. Men fear that marriage will require too many changes and compromises to their current life style;

 

6. Men are waiting for their soul mate to show-up in their life, but she has not yet appeared;

 

7. Today there are fewer social pressures to marry, for example, having children outside of marriage is no longer stigmatized;

 

8. Men are reluctant to marry a woman who already has children;

 

9. Men want to own a house and develop their career before they get a wife;

 

10. Men want to enjoy single life as long as they can.

 

 

Source: The State of Our Unions 2002 - The Social Health of Our Marriage in America.

 

Please note that although this is taken from research carried out in the U.S.A., these findings nevertheless are similar to our experiences here in Australia.