lonelyfish Posted October 29, 2006 Share Posted October 29, 2006 I need some advice. I am single and my good friend's husband recently sent me a naked picture of himself to me! I am friend's with all my married friend's husbands, isn't that the norm? I think he might have fallen for me and fell out of love for his wife. But couldn't he have just asked me out rather than send me a naked pic of himself? Not that I would have gone - I have good morals and would never cheat on anyone' s husband let alone my good friends! I don't know what to do. If it was me I would want to know if my husband did that to one of my friends. But should I risk breaking up thier marriage for something stupid like that? Though maybe he does this to other women and not just me. Do I wait it out and have him make his own mistakes that will eventually present themselves to my friend? So torn - I just want "to do the right thing!"](*,) Link to comment
rocio Posted October 29, 2006 Share Posted October 29, 2006 Talk to him. Tell him that your loyalties are to his wife, and that she has to find out what happened. Give him the opportunity to tell her himself. If he doesn't, then tell her. But do it in front of him, so that he can't deny it later. If he denies it, she might believe him and think that you are trying to break up the marriage by making stuff up. If you bring it up in front of him, his immediate reaction will give away his guilt. Link to comment
Tigris Posted October 29, 2006 Share Posted October 29, 2006 You could deal with this in a number of ways 1. You get his wife to come over and look at the picture on your computer so she knows you're not making a story up, however, you may lose her friendship. 2. You show your husband it and let him deal with the problem by him tactfully having a quiet word in his ear. 3. You delete it because if your husband finds it on the computer he could think you're up to something. 4. Delete it and forget it happened and deal with the problem if something else happens. If you choose No.4 be careful that you don't get cornered at a party or someone's house by him. Good luck and take care. Link to comment
Lady Bugg Posted October 29, 2006 Share Posted October 29, 2006 Yikes LF!!! I don't envy your position!! Man.... This is sticky. Do you still have the pic? In case he denies it...I mean how could YOU possibly get a naked pic of him? You would be amazed at how people will let denial get in the way of common sense...so some people need to see the proof for themselves! I don;t think I would just blurt out to his wife what he did. I might first ask her how things are going with her husband. Maybe they have been having marital problems....maybe they have an "open relationship".....it is never good to just ASSUME how someones life is. If she assumes all is well....I would tell her there is something you think she NEEDS to see because you care about her as a friend. This could blindside and devastate her..so think of how YOU would want to be told. Again..this is a toughie..but let us know how it goes... Link to comment
Hope75 Posted October 29, 2006 Share Posted October 29, 2006 I would tell him that his behavior is inappropriate and if it happens again you will forward the picture to his wife. I'm not sure how 'normal' it is to be 'friends' with all of your friends' husbands. Do you mean friendly with them when you all hang out, or individual separate friendships with them, away from your girlfriends? I would find that a bit out of place, personally. Link to comment
Lady Bugg Posted October 29, 2006 Share Posted October 29, 2006 Hmmm just a question? Why did he have your email address? Did he get it from you or his wife? Link to comment
lonelyfish Posted October 29, 2006 Author Share Posted October 29, 2006 Thank you all so much for your advice! Yes this is a tough situation - I can't believe someone as innocent and moralistic as me was put in this situation! Well I'm single - if I had a boyfriend or husband I would have them beat this guy up! I think i was an easy target for him. He did this through an instant message first. Lately he has been IMing me. I felt awkard and always kept it short and said I had to go. Today - his IM icon was the naked pic of him! He also listed "at the shop" meaning he wasn't at home and was probably fishing for me or anyone else that is on his buddy list. So far most people have told me to wait it out and see if he contacts me again and just tell him to leave me alone. I'm sure I will be seeing him in the next few weeks at their house - how terrible. Link to comment
melrich Posted October 29, 2006 Share Posted October 29, 2006 I would tell him that his behavior is inappropriate and if it happens again you will forward the picture to his wife. I agree. Whilst his behaviour is reprehensible, at this time I would not be telling your friend. Often it is the messenger in these sorts of exchanges, the person in the middle, who gets most hurt. Link to comment
sidehop Posted October 30, 2006 Share Posted October 30, 2006 I would tell him that his behavior is inappropriate and if it happens again you will forward the picture to his wife. I'm not sure how 'normal' it is to be 'friends' with all of your friends' husbands. Do you mean friendly with them when you all hang out, or individual separate friendships with them, away from your girlfriends? I would find that a bit out of place, personally. I agree, I wouldn't just straight out tell his wife or make him tell her from the beginning. But if he keeps acting the same way, then talk to her. Link to comment
BillyJean714 Posted October 30, 2006 Share Posted October 30, 2006 Wow. This guy sounds like a porn-freak, child-molestor! If I were you, I'd tell your husband. It's sad that this lady's married to such a creepy person. I think she does have a right to know. What if they have kids, or if she has little nieces or nephews around, and he does something creepy and flashes himself to them? It's so inappropriate. The likelihood of him sending naked pictures of himself to other women is highly probable. He obviously lacks inhibition when it comes to his sexuality, and he sounds like he doesn't have it under control. Gross. Link to comment
rocio Posted October 30, 2006 Share Posted October 30, 2006 Wow. This guy sounds like a porn-freak, child-molestor! Gross. You said it not me! Was the guy drunk when he sent it? If not, then what's to stop him from doing this with other women? And what made him think he could get away with sending it to you, the friend of his wife? He obviously doesn't take his marriage very seriously and is not afraid of being caught by his wife. Link to comment
Daddy Bear Posted October 30, 2006 Share Posted October 30, 2006 i agree with Hope75, melrich and sidehop that you should put the fear of God into him, so to speak, and not tell his wife unless he continues. in my opinion, to call a man a child molester for sending a nude picture of himself to an adult--however inappropriate and stupid that may be--is a vicious and unwarranted thing to do. Link to comment
Clementine orange Posted October 30, 2006 Share Posted October 30, 2006 I agree with slightly bent. This guy is an idiot but that doesn't make him a child molester or a freak. I wouldn't say anything to anybody, don't respond in any way and just ignore him or avoid him as best you can. That should send a message. If something like that happens again then re-think it and consider telling him to shove off. Maybe he just had a brief fit of insanity or bad taste or something. Regardless it sounds like a really dumb thing to do uninvited. Link to comment
BillyJean714 Posted October 30, 2006 Share Posted October 30, 2006 That's my opinion, and I still stand firm to it. A person who acts impulsive like that, isn't someone who I would trust to have around my kids, if I ever have any. And, a person who acts like that, isn't someone who I would trust to have around any other children either. Anyone who is at least "sane" wouldn't straight up do something outrageously bizarre like that. Link to comment
Daddy Bear Posted October 30, 2006 Share Posted October 30, 2006 well, then all i can say is thank goodness we live in a just society where people aren't burned at the stake with no more than an irresponsible accusation as evidence against them. Link to comment
BillyJean714 Posted October 30, 2006 Share Posted October 30, 2006 You may have your opinions, but as a person who has had an experience with a few pedofiles, I sense one when I see one. Maybe you don't have that kind of keen intuition, and maybe you didn't have first-hand experience with being molested, but either way, like I said, if someone acts that sexually imipulsive, I wouldn't trust them around children, period. Link to comment
Daddy Bear Posted October 30, 2006 Share Posted October 30, 2006 as a matter of fact, BillyJean714, i do have first-hand knowledge in this area. both the molester and the would-be molester were outwardly very modest and unassuming, as i'm told most child predators are. i suppose i should consider myself fortunate in that my judgment was not so badly affected by these acts that i see a pedophile in every person who is sexually extroverted and does stupid things. Link to comment
lonelyfish Posted October 30, 2006 Author Share Posted October 30, 2006 Again I wish I had a husband to beat him up but I am single! Maybe I was an easy target. But here's another thought. This guy and my friend will be signing the papers on a new house on Tuesday. Maybe he wants out of his marriage and out of the commitment of this house. Perhaps he thought he would do something like that for I would run and tell his wife ASAP then their marriage would be over and he wouldn't have the commitment to the new house. They still haven't sold the one that they live in now. So can you see the stress on this guy. Doesn't give him the right to do what he did to me! I don't think he's a child molestor. Also this guy has been married before but he blamed his ex-wife for the break up of that marriage. Maybe he wasn't telling the truth. Link to comment
lonelyfish Posted October 30, 2006 Author Share Posted October 30, 2006 So all last night I couldn't sleep thinking about my friend and her husband's actions. It was eating away at my insides like maggots! I wanted to do the right thing. I'm not religious but I do pray to God in my own way. I even thought about going to talk to the University's Chaplain Monday morning. That night I prayed to God to tell me to do the right thing. But I knew in my gut what the right thing was. I had emailed my brother Sunday night and received his reply early a.m. He only confirmed what I knew I had to do. So I thought the best thing would be to go see her sister who works just up from my office. She got a divorce because of her ex-husband's infidelity so I knew she would be the best person to go to. I sat and waited until she came into her work. I told her and she said I did the right thing. She called her siter and said she had an emergency with her ex-husband and said to meet her at her house. I went with her and told my friend the story and she was in complete shock. She was not mad at me at all and said she felt terrible that I was put in this situation. She admitted they were having marital problems but were working through them. She also said she caught him flirting with one of his friend's wives last year via email. They went to counseling over that. I opened a can of worms for she didn't know about his instant messenger. She even said she checked his email for she didn't trust him. So I had her sign on to his messenger and there were about 40 random girls names!!!! It was so bad. Her parents even showed up for support. I left and they were going to have an intervention with her husband. My friend called him and told him he needed to come home to talk. She asked him about the messages he sent me. He played dumb. She said you know what you sent to my friend. He said he would come home soon. I leave and he calls me - I hung up on him. He left me a message saying, "I think I crossed the boundaries with that message over the weekend but I thought we were making a connection."!!!! What husband makes a connection with their wife's good friend that warrants a naked pic to be sent to them!!!! He is whacked!! Link to comment
BeStrongBeHappy Posted October 31, 2006 Share Posted October 31, 2006 whoa... this guy is a nasty cheater at a minimum... don't for a minute think that the reason he is doing this is that he 'likes' you... put it into perspective, how would you feel about a single guy that you knew who tried to start things up by sending you a naked picture of himself when you haven't even had date or been intimate or anything? i think you would be creeped out, and do NOT let the fact that he is married to one of your friends make you think he is a nice guy or just someone who just 'likes' you... he's either a pervert, or else a shameless married man trolling for someone to have an affair with, and seeing if you bite (no pun intended)... lots of married men troll for affairs on personal ad websites where it is common for them to post naked pictures of themselves looking for 'discreet single women' or groups or couples or whatever for sex outside their marriage, without their wives knowing about it... they will NOT post pictures of their faces though, because what they are after is just sex, hence a sexual picture sent to get the point accross (another pun not intended)... so it should be VERY easy for you to tell him to stop it right now, you are NOT interested and never will be. the hard part comes in trying to decide what to do about your friend... in an age when sexual diseases can kill people, when you discover someone is cheating on someone you care about it becomes a matter or how you would feel if you discovered later his wife had contracted a serious sexual disease or HIV/AIDS because he was a cheater and you knew about it and didn't warn her about his behavior... but it is also true that the messenger is usually the one who is blamed, especially if the wife is naive and doesn't want to believe her husband is capable of cheating... she could blame you of encouraging this behavior and trying to steal her husband, which is distinctly unsavory, especially if you get subpoenaed in a divorce as someone who engaged in online sexual (perverted) behavior with her husband... women will follow that line frequently if they are trying to get full custody of children in a divorce... so my vote would be to set up an anonymous email account somewhere and mail her the picture and say you thought she'd like to know that her husband is sending unsolicited naked pictures of himself to other women, like the one you are sending to her... what she does with that information is then up to her... i'd also save the picture and the email somewhere as proof that he is a pervert, and you want nothing to do with him, should things get nasty... the other thing this should tell you is that as a single woman, you should NOT encourage too much attention (especially when the wife is not around) from other friend's husbands... it is just not appropriate, and can lead to sticky situations like this... not saying you are at fault AT ALL, especially if this guy is a pervert, but don't be naive. recognize that there are lots of seemingly 'nice' people trolling for affairs out there, and you don't want to be thought of as a potential affair partner by someone else's husband. Link to comment
whimsicalwhisper Posted November 2, 2006 Share Posted November 2, 2006 I'd forward the e-mail to your girlfriend and ask her "Why is your husband sending me naked pictures of himself?" If they end up getting in a fight over it, well so be it! IMO, that would be as it should be, and not your fault. He has no business sending his naked picture out to his wife's girlfriends! Period. To not let your girlfriend know that he's done this is to be loyal to her husband, instead of her. Link to comment
Cadence308 Posted November 3, 2006 Share Posted November 3, 2006 This is a tough one because she's your friend and your loyalties are to her, not him. She loves her husband and she may not believe you. If you want to keep her friendship then I would just have a word with her husband and tell him what you think about what he did and tell him that your loyalties are with her and ask him not to go it again and even threaten that if he does it again you will tell his wife. Link to comment
rocio Posted November 3, 2006 Share Posted November 3, 2006 Guys, she already told her friend about it. By the way, I'm curious to hear how it all turns out. Keep us posted! Link to comment
skyjuice Posted November 5, 2006 Share Posted November 5, 2006 Hi It is disrespectful of her friend's husband to send naked picture to her. Link to comment
lonelyfish Posted November 8, 2006 Author Share Posted November 8, 2006 Sorry I haven't updated things in a while. I almost wish this guy was going through a mid-life crisis or something normal like that. But turns out my friend's husband has a lot of mental issues! I guess he has a problem with flirting with women to boost his self esteem per my friend. She saw an email last year he wrote to one of his own friend's wives - she in turn was flirting with him. Both couples had spent the weekend away with each other and my friend was uncomfortable with her husband's behavior. Bad enough they went to marriage counselor. I just found this out. What came out of the counseling session was the fact that he never got enough love from his mother. His father died and his mother spent most of her time taking care of his sister who had down syndrome. But come on, people have had worse childhoods than that and their adult lives turn out great and they are happy. Because of his low self esteem and depression he thinks he's ugly but likes to look at himself naked and enjoys being nude and stuff. Does this guy have some problems or what that he can't get enough love from his own wife that he seeks out the attention of other women including his wife's good friend! He continues to get counseling and is on anti-depressents. I have a feeling my friend will stick it out with them for the whole "in sickness and health" thing but at 40 can you really change??? I think she's stupid to stay with him when she'll never get the attention that she deserves or needs and will basically never be happy herself. But that's me - we are completely different people. Link to comment
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