Need a reality check

[Princess777]

Could someone give me a reality check..... my emotions are clouding my judgment. I used to come here a lot when things were bad with my husband - we separated for awhile, got back together, got some help and things got better for awhile. Now I have a bigger problem.

 

To put it bluntly, he is now addicted to crack. I don't have to tell you what this causes in a marriage. I know I cannot "love it out of him" and that he will have to choose to get the help himself when that time comes. Unfortunately he does not want help and has not hit rock bottom yet. I have been with him for 4 years and put up with almost every kind of verbal and emotional abuse imaginable.

 

I know I have to leave him for my own health and safety. I know I have to close my joint bank account with him (I have my own already). I've been to this point before and I always back out because I end up feeling sorry for him (not to mention he's the only one I've ever truly loved). I know if I let him stay he will suck me dry in every way and I will regret it. I told him tonight that I do not want anything to do with an addict and not to come home. I thought maybe that might make him see that he is getting nowhere down that road.

 

I guess what I'm asking for is this: How do I look at this in a positive light instead of feeling sorry for him? Do you know what it's like to sit and watch the one you're in love with destroy themselves and there is absolutely NOTHING you can do about it? It is tearing me apart. I just wanted to know if anyone else out there had any advice on if I should just go ahead and file the divorce papers and maybe that will make him see that it really is over and maybe that will cause him to get some help? Even if we don't end up getting back together, I just don't want him to kill himself. He keeps saying he's waiting for that one hit that will make him have a heart attack. Nice huh.

 

I try to focus on myself but it's so difficult when the one you love is steadily killing themselves and they don't care.

 

Thanks for listening.

 

Princess777

[rocio]

You are doing him a favor. He needs to realise how stupid he is being, and hopefully it will make him realise he needs help.

 

If not, at least one person's life is saved: yours.

 

You were not the one who got him addicted and you are not responsible for getting him unnaddicted.

[Beec]

Princess777, I don't really see anything else you can do right now but separate your life from his. I'd like to tell you that you need not divorce him, but if you don't you mgiht become repsonsible financially for things he does or debts he incurs. I think you need to speak to someone who does family/divorce law about that issue. If he won't help himself, being tough on him is the best thing you can do for him and you.

 

Good luck. I hope he wants to stop digging the hole he is digging real soon. It is his grave.

[melrich]

Do you know what it's like to sit and watch the one you're in love with destroy themselves and there is absolutely NOTHING you can do about it?

 

I really cannot imagine it. I agree with the others, as hard as it is, you have to separate your life from him. You have to hope that this makes some lights go off in his head but be prepared for the more likely scenario that it may not.

 

At the end of the day he has to want to help himself, you cannot do it all for him. Your best chance of gettinghim to see that is to leave him. If things go the other way, you have to keep telling yourself that he has ultimately made those choices.

[Princess777]

Thank you for the encouraging words.

 

Beec and melrich, I remember both of you from the "old days" of hell with my husband and when I came here for help. It's good to see that some of you are still here. I was hoping I wouldn't have to come back, but no such luck. I feel very alone in all this and I needed some objective points of view.

 

Thank you again. I have a feeling of validatation now and I appreciate it.

 

Princess777

[rocio]

Do you know what it's like to sit and watch the one you're in love with destroy themselves and there is absolutely NOTHING you can do about it?

Princess777

 

I can only imagine. I know it was really hard for my mother, before my dad died of a drug overdose.

 

I don't mean to scare you. But this really could mean life or death for him. How would you feel if the unspeakable happened and you had just allowed it to happen?

 

You are doing the right thing.

[melrich]

I remember you too Princess, there are still some old timers around. Good to hear from you again though I am sorry it is in such circumstances.

 

I hope the community here can offer you lots of support again and a place to get things off your chest.

[avman]

I also remember you Princess. Welcome back, though I do wish it was under better circumstances.

 

Would you consider a professional intervention? Gather friends and family around and sit down together with a counselor and lay it all out. He either gets help immediately, or you are filing for divorce and kicking him out. No middle ground. The counselor will help you with some support as will the circle of family and friends. It might give him that one final chance you would like to try before cutting it off.

 

But to be honest, you've been going through hell as long as I've known you here and I do so want you to find peace and happiness. He has made the choices that affect both himself and you so negatively. You can't force him to make the right decisions and honestly I don't see much hope that he's really going to be a person that will make you happy.

 

He is a big boy and he is responsible for himself. There comes a point where all the love and devotion in the world cannot save someone and the relationship merely ends up as a co-dependant mess. Please see a brighter future for yourself my friend and take those first steps towards a happier life.

[itsallgrand]

I guess what I'm asking for is this: How do I look at this in a positive light instead of feeling sorry for him? Do you know what it's like to sit and watch the one you're in love with destroy themselves and there is absolutely NOTHING you can do about it?

 

No, not a lover/husband. Only my mother.

 

My heart breaks for you. It is difficult to put a positive light on this situation, but a little easier to put a positive light on a decision to leave.

 

I agree with the others completely. Good words of advice.

 

First: about feeling sorry for him. It's complicated. Nothing any one can say will stop you from caring about this man, and I wouldn't want to anyways. It shows that you are a compassionate, loving woman.

Just don't mistake your hurt for pity, or allow it to dissolve into that. Face the hurt, is crappy advice to just write, I really wish i could offer you my physical shoulder.

The hurt and anger - let it out. Use it for fuel in moving forward. It's nature's way of telling you this is a dangerous situation and to Get Away.

 

You have a right to anger and to feel hurt. Please don't turn it in on yourself.

 

To pity him is to be manipulated by the drugs. Deep inside you know he would want the dignity of being treated as an equal human being, not a pitiful creature who must be saved at your expense.

 

You already know he must decide for himself, and you do sound strong in that knowledge, so that is a real bonus for when you will be tempted - By the Drugs - to pity him, and ENABLE his destruction.

 

You know, when I started to really deal with the facts of my mother's alcoholism, I began to hold 2 distinct visions of her. One was Mom - the real person I loved. The other was the Monster - the person she became bc of the booze.

I started thinking of that Monster as a separate being invading my Mom.

Monster wanted to destroy my mother - there was no way in hell I would feed Him!

It pissed me off to no end, and all pity/guilt was wiped away when Monster came out. I knew I was doing right - saving myself, and in that way able to help her if she ever asked for it.

 

I don't know if that is helpful to you or not, but that division gave me a lot of clarity in my decision making.

 

-Find a support group with real, live people.

-Keep coming here

-File those papers and keep chipping away at all the practicalities of disengaging from him

-Know that you aren't alone and it will get better for you

 

*hugs*

[Princess777]

You all have such great words right now. I can't thank you enough. Just knowing you took the time to reply means so much.

 

Great feedback and food for thought. You have all made me realize that if I stay, I am enabling him to continue his drug use and that it is showing him that I will be there no matter what he does, and with no boundaries. I am forcing myself to be mad about this instead of feel sorry for him. It is so, so hard.

 

You're right, the pity enables this behavior to continue further. I don't want to do that!!!! Thank you for making me see it that way. I don't want to be the co-dependent wife. You're right - why would he change if he always has me to come home to. I don't expect him to quit just because we split up - I'm not sure if he'll ever quit. Knowing him, he will have to make the decision to get help himself or with the aid of a male friend. I would love to do an intervention but knowing him, he might go for the help just to appease everyone but I really think he would relapse because he didn't initiate the choice. He is really, really big on control. And you know I've already given him a million chances.

 

I cringe when I think about what he said about wanting to die, etc. I know I need to stop feeding the pain with the details. It's hard.

 

Thank you, thank you, thank you all so much for your help. I will re-read everything when I need a boost to know I'm doing the right thing. It is so hard but I know I have to do it. Let's hope I can follow through completely this time. I am ashamed I haven't done it sooner.

[strength2007]

Princess777, I am pretty knew to these post, but I do have experience with someone you love using crack. My 22 yr old daughter and her live in boyfriend have been using crack almost daily for about a year now. She was a nursing student working two jobs and had her own apartment when she met her current boyfriend that was using cocaine. Crack is cheaper, so now thats what she uses. They have gone through approx. $30,000 this year. (She had an inheritance that we invested for her) We begged her to move home, we moved her home and she moved out with in two weeks. I have tried to take over her bills, but she keeps writing bad checks. She sold her car to a dealer, Ifound out where it was and picked it up. She sold her diamond necklace I gave her for her 16th birthday, I saw the receipt and bought it back from the pawn shop. She finally agreed to go to rehab, as long as it was outpatient. It was an hour away, three times a week. I picked her up, went to the narc-anon meetings while she was in hers. For 8 weeks we did this, talking about getting her life together, starting over, a clean slate, thinking this is what a mother should do for her child. It has been a year now. I have learned that I am co-dependant. She has continued to use crack daily. THe tips of her fingers are completely red from holding the pipe. She looks like a skeleton. When I try to help her, I am only hurting her. She says she hates it, she hates getting high, but all her problems are easier to deal with when she is high. I had to walk away. How does a mother walk away from her child? I did because I love her with all my heart. I pray she gets clean, but I know I can't get her clean. She has to want it. She has called me crying that she has no money and she is hungry. I tell her how much I love her and look forward to her sobriety, but I can't help her. Princess777, go to narc-anon meetings. Look up on the internet for a local one. They are at all times and everyday. You can't help him, but you can help yourself and your family. The reason I am on the divorce forum, is that I am dealing with my husbands infidelity and we are now divorcing. So I know how hard it is to walk away from your soul-mate. The one you planned on spending the rest of your life with. Dig down deep, you know the answer, it's just not what you want to hear. He has to help himself, and when he does, you will be there waiting.

[RayKay]

Princess;

 

I am so sorry to hear about this situation, but I completely agree with the others that while undoubtedly you love him, you cannot enable him. I would suggest an intervention, but I would also be aware that if he has not hit rock bottom or is not doing it for himself, it may not be an offer he takes up on, or follows through with. He really does have to see what damage it really is doing...you leaving may not even be "enough" at this point if he blames you for just being "selfish" (which you certainly are not, but that is the mentality of addicts).

 

He is responsible for his own self; saving him is not something in your power nor is it healthy for you to do so when it means the cost of yourself. Everyone has to have a walking away point....otherwise you go down in flames with them.

 

I would suggest that you get into therapy for yourself, or counselling, even through a support group - you need that support and safe space as you get through this.

 

Rachel.

[foobar]

Pehaps you could excuse the topic change, but perhaps you could help me.

 

I am about to enter a separation-- she got her own place and is moving out. We've been married for nine years and two children. Quite frankly, I am the one that wants to save the relationship, but I see little hope for getting back together now. Can I ask what made you decide to get back together after you were separated? Am I being too negative? We are still going to counciling and are always civil to each other. We are currently not seeking divorce, but it has been an option for her in the past and going forward.

 

Thanks

FJL

[Princess777]

Thank you for all of your additional replies. I am sorry it took me so long to write back. Things have been very emotional. He threatened to kill himself the day after he had a binge, and was saying a bunch of weird stuff about doing strange things. It was kind of scary. He spent literally $1300 in two days on crack (he says trying to kill himself). When that didn't work, he told me he would keep trying until it was done and he didn't want to live anymore. I didn't know what to do. He seemed serious and was very emotional and I could tell he was coming off all the drugs. It was so horrible. My head pounded for 3 days. I think the suicide stuff was to get my mind off the money he blew. Our bills are behind. Anyway, enough about him. I already know what I have to do.

 

strength2007, thank you so much for your input. I feel so, so sorry for you. I can't imagine if my son was in that position and I probably would still be trying to help him. You are a strong person to stop the madness. It must be so horrible to have to hear her suffer like that and there's nothing you can do. It is truly a sad, sad waste of life when people choose crack as a path. Or any drugs. I feel for you and I am so sorry for your pain. It really hit home because my husband sold one of his cars and immediately blew all the money on crack. I was so livid but numb at the same time. What do you do? It's a no-win situation. Like you, I know he will always call me even if I leave him because he knows I have always been there for him.

 

foobar, I'm about the worst person on this site to give advice right now, however you asked so here is what I can offer. We separated for about 3 months when he first started doing the crack and staying away for 3 days at a time. I made him move out mainly because he didn't respect me and of course, the drugs. He was abusive emotionally and verbally. He didn't get a place but stayed with his parents and friends. We both missed each other terribly (I admit I feel lost without him and that is a symptom of co-dependence) and even though I actually felt some peace without him around, I gave in and took him back even though I knew better. So the answer to your question is that I missed him so much and that is not a good reason to take someone back because guess what, the problems are still there. They won't go away until you fix them. Love isn't enough. He promised not to ever do crack again, blah blah blah. Yet less than a year later, he was doing it again and hiding it and other vices. I must say he did try to quit on his own, however he wouldn't get any professional help and still won't, so I don't feel sorry for him in that regard.

For your situation, I don't know the reason for the breakup, but if it's not drugs or cheating or anything like that, it may be a communication breakdown. Of course there are tons of reasons why people split up. But communication is highly underrated. Three simple things to remember that I have learned from my therapy (yes I'm in therapy LOL) is to state the problem as you see it, how it makes you feel (in detail, not just mad, glad, or sad) and then tell the other person what you need, and lastly, some suggested solutions to the problem. Only tackle one problem at a time. It gets too monumental to try and fix the whole marriage immediately. I hope none of your problems are anything like mine. Something else you can do is set some personal boundaries that you know you can stick to, and make her aware of them. Again, I'm not sure what caused the breakup so these may not be the answers you're looking for. Good luck.

 

I am so jaded about relationships now it's not funny.

 

Thank you all SO MUCH for listening.

[JazzGtr]

If he's like me, you'll have to move out and threaten divorce to get him to wake up.

 

 

 

-wp

[Princess777]

JazzGtr,

 

I don't think anything I will do will cause him to stop doing the drugs. And sadly, I can't even bring myself to even want him in the same way I wanted him before. He has truly killed the attraction. It is so sad.

 

Thank you for your input.

[Princess777]

Update: Well, add some new fun to the collection: I found out that he has been going to sex sites and filling out profiles on them to try to hook up with local sex partners. He has truly hurt me in every way imaginable. There is no evidence that he has cheated on me but I wouldn't be surprised, of course. Things have truly reached the out of control mark.

 

I am so ashamed!!!! I am still working full time but I may have to take out a loan to get caught up on these bills because he has used all his money on drinking and drugs. Last night when I told him again that this isn't working for me, he showed me a side of him I didn't want to see. He was extremely mean and abusive. Part of me isn't surprised at any of this but the other part is so devastated and I feel stupid. Tonight he took a bag of clothes and is staying with a friend, probably partying again. He claims (again) that he will move out this weekend. He always tells me that then never does. I am so sick of being used. Outside of having him arrested I don't know how to make sure he goes, and if he does go, I feel that I will die. I know all about the co-dependence but why is it so much easier to know about it than to actually do what I need to do? I feel so helpless. I feel like that first big step of going and filing is going to kill me inside.

 

I guess I just don't have anywhere else to turn for an ear right now. Thanks anyone for listening.

[Beec]

Princess777, I don't think anyone can tell you how to get moving on what you need to do. I wish I knew myself, because there are so many things I need to do sometimes, like now, and I don't get to all of them and waste time doing other things. But, you know what it is going to come down to. Do whatever it is going to take.

 

As far as the drugs, I think Caroll O'Connor told Martin Sheen the right thing when he said something to the effect of do anything you think you have to do, and he was talking about keepign his son off of drugs. O'Connor lost a sont o drugs. Charlie Sheen has had drug problems. Whatever you need to do, do it.

[Princess777]

Beec, thank you...

 

Wouldn't it be great if we could just erase our memories of them (like in the movie "Eternal Sunshine"....) I would do that in a heartbeat.

 

I feel like he's the one who will always be in the back of my mind after we're divorced, like in a movie or a country song where the person grows old and will never let anyone else into their heart because their one "true love" escaped them somehow and they go to their grave unhappy because they couldn't be together. Do you know how depressing that is?

 

I know I am in love with the idea of what we could have, not what we have. I am ashamed of what I have with him. I feel truly like an idiot... and even worse for not being so angry that I WANT a divorce. Cause I just can't bring myself to actually want it. I just know I have to do it.