A question for NC experts??

[BrokenHeart82]

Hey all,

 

Ive been NC now for just shy of 5 weeks. Theres been numerous emails, the latest which I received yesterday...it was the first one Ive gotten that seemed like the person I loved..very warm, congratulating me on recent scholastic achievements and wishing me well. Also mentioning what he's doing this week which he hasnt done since the breakup.

 

I dont know how to explain it, but it just seems that each email has gotten "warmer"...as if he is missing me more and more. Should I respond as this is also the first email with questions in it.

 

Thanks

[Lady Bugg]

Most "NC" advocates would probably say....as I will....unless he says he wants you back...or to discuss getting back together, then it's just "talk" or them trying to assauge their guilt. So my vote is ....stick to NC. If you can't...simply keep it short..."businesslike"....and to the point.

[majord23]

It sounds like he may be missing you, but that does not mean he wants you back.

The reality of life without you may be starting to sink in...but again, that does not necessarily mean that he wants you back.

 

It's up to you whether you respond to him, but just be very wary of getting your hopes up.

If you do respond to him, you may get more of an idea of what is going on in his head - but by no means should you put yourself on the line (emotionally).

It goes without saying that ff you are 'done' with the relationship then you should continue with NC.

[Scout]

Hi, Brokenheart...well, here's one eNotalone member who has jumped off the NC bandwagon. That is, when the dumpee played a significant part in the relationship's demise. And let's face it...most of us played more of a part than we're willing to admit.

 

In a previous thread, you seem to believe you did contribute to your relationship's problems. Since this is the case, why are you ignoring your ex's attempts at contact?

 

Ok so looking back on the relationship between my ex and I (Ive been reading old email) I realized that I really did push him away.

I know he loved me and cared for me very deeply and I think that scared me and I pushed him away...until he finally had to cut me out of his life. How do I make up for this, what can I say or how can I act to at least say Im sorry?

 

In the end he ended up saying that he needed to be by himself for awhile but I do miss him, and not just him as a boyfriend....I miss all those little things about him that made him HIM.

 

Any advice? I have been NC except for one phone call about stuff left at his house for 12 days now.

[BrokenHeart82]

Scout,

 

I appreciate the fact that you've consulted other posts in order to give me an honest opinion on my situation...it shows alot of concern, so thank you ;-)

 

As for ignoring his attempts...I wanted to make it through a month of NC because I sincerely believed that we both needed some space. It is amazing the changes that have come about and the insight ive gathered into myself! NC has worked wonders on me and I now see where I made mistakes not only in this relationship but in others as well.

 

His first attempts to contact me came about 1.5 weeks NC and 3 weeks post breakup. As much as I wanted to answer him I knew I wasnt ready to talk to him logically, without all those emotions from the breakup coming through.

 

Now he has continued to contact, its been nearly 5 weeks NC and his last email is as I said very warm and like HIM. I love this man, despite us not being together very long....and would love for us to give it another (honest, thought out) try. My mother who always give me good advice thinks that he does still care for and love me but was thrown by his divorce and then by the problems I initiated and truly did need some time to sort out.

 

I am not getting my hopes up but I would like to start communicating with him, taking our time, and see what develops.....I just guess I was trying to consult the board and see if it was too soon to have light contact with him.

[Scout]

I just guess I was trying to consult the board and see if it was too soon to have light contact with him.

 

I don't think it's too soon, if anything, I think it might be too late if you wait much longer. It seems he's really reaching out here, and that can't be easy for him when you keep rebuffing him.

 

If I were you, I'd write him back and thank him for the email. And thank him for the other ones, and apologize for not writing back. That you were trying to sort some things out in your head first. And then ask him if he's up for getting together and catching up in person.

 

The heck with this "NC" and "LC" stuff. Those are games and not based on your honest feelings. If you truly feel he's a good man and you miss him in your life, then try to get him back in your life. Worry about an "official" reconciliation at a later point.

[shikashika]

Scout, how have you found that NC is just a bunch of games... ??not just on enotaone, but everywhere i read that the best thing to do is no contact.

 

or do you think its a case by case issue?

[Scout]

Scout, how have you found that NC is just a bunch of games... ??not just on enotaone, but everywhere i read that the best thing to do is no contact.

 

or do you think its a case by case issue?

 

Hmmm...well, I've recently become convinced that it's recommended far too often on eNotalone, and I used to be one of the very people that advocated it - without taking into consideration a few very important points:

 

Number one, that most of us on here are way more responsible for our break-ups then we realize. So, NC is preventing us from making amends to the person we wronged.

 

Number two, NC is often implemented because of prideful, ego-driven reasons. Very often, those reasons have little similarity with our true feelings of missing our partner and regret for our actions.

 

And number three, yes, it's a case-by-case basis. If it's truly a toxic relationship, NC might be the way to go.

 

But I feel I used it way too much as a blanket tactic. Who knows how many second chances have been lost because of recommendations to go into strict NC? So, I'm going to stop doing so until I have more information.

 

One way to find out if a situation really merits NC is to keep asking the poster questions, because their first, second, and even third posts often don't contain some pretty important details. Because they're writing those posts from feelings of being wounded and rejected, so they're in "self-defense" mode, which is kind of a state of denial about what they contributed to the break up. So, you could be reading their first few posts and think the dumper was a callous jerk and they should definitely go into NC. BUT - we're only getting the poster's side of the story, so you have to kind of draw them out...gently and non-threateningly...with questions to get a little more balanced perspective of what has actually gone down.

 

Until then, I'd be cautious about immediately recommending NC.

[keefy1972]

I think NC is only a useful "tool" when you are certain that you want that person out of your life completely, at least until you've healed, and it serves no other purpose than that. It's not effective for getting back together. Having a clear perspective and being reasonable is what is effective. An extended period of no contact is a vehicle to get you there but doesn't actually play a role in reconcilliation.

[keefy1972]

Scout you're awesome!

[Scout]

Scout you're awesome!

 

Thanks a lot! But...you know what? DN is responsible for teaching me this. He basically walked me through a reconcilation with my ex, which included me breaking NC (and let me tell you, I was kicking and screaming the whole way about doing that!), and it truly opened up my eyes to so much. Largely, that a lot of my behavior before and after the break up were driven by my ego and pride. Two very over-rated things, by the way.

 

Even if my boyfriend and I hadn't ended up back together, I wouldn't have regretted that I broke NC. Life's too short to make our decisions based on fear, and again, by pride and ego.

 

Again, DN did me one of the biggest favors in my life by guiding me to the path that helped me discover all of what I'm writing.

[shikashika]

I completely agree with you on point number one... its very easy for my friends, loved one, lovely enotaloners to say "he was a jerk, immature, etc etc'... I think the great danger in beleiving this is that we do nothing to improve ourselves... and even though i've broken NC a few times...i've pretty much been in no contact... it hasn't really helped me to solve whatever issue it was that caused the breakup. I've heard it repeated a million times that 'NC is for you to heal'... but i think... whats the point in healing i you don't learn anything from it. my situation was different...

 

In this instance, I think emails and messages SHOULD be answered. It would be rude not to..

[keefy1972]

Did you ever have the habit of talking about the relationship all the time? Making it harder to enjoy one another's company. If so, how did you avoid bringing things up that make for tense and uncomfortable situations?

 

I know a big part of reconcilliation is to not make "the relationship" a main focus of all conversation. How did you avoid doing that?

[keefy1972]

That hilarious, btw, how people say, "I broke NC" like it's breaking some kind of a law. Here is one of my favorite, and most repeated subject lines on these threads..."Help! I broke NC, did I mess up my chances?"

[Scout]

Did you ever have the habit of talking about the relationship all the time? Making it harder to enjoy one another's company. If so, how did you avoid bringing things up that make for tense and uncomfortable situations?

 

I know a big part of reconcilliation is to not make "the relationship" a main focus of all conversation. How did you avoid doing that?

 

A good question. We had one big issue that caused our previous fallouts and subsequent breakup. For a long time, I externalized that issue as the fault of others, and while they played a part in it, my own reactions and actions are what ended our relationship.

 

So, I simply apologized to my boyfriend for those actions and acknowledged that I had mistreated him. And that I felt terrible for doing so. At that point, he strongly was holding on to the position he just wanted to be friends, but I still apologized - and meant it.

 

To be honest, he completely changed his mind about just being friends a week later with no explanation, and I didn't ask him why either. I was just thankful he did and assumed my honest apology - and first time admission about where I mightily screwed up - are what made him change his mind.

 

As for that one big issue, I have simply told him what I'm going to do in the future should the issue arise again (and these are different things than I have done in the past) and I also have told - and so far, shown - him that I am serious about gaining the self-control, inner peace, and maturity to do this.

 

So yeah, I'm concentrating more on showing him rather than talking it to death.

[shikashika]

Scout, did you feel it was your pride getting in the way of you contacting your ex?... or did you feel "there's no way he'll take me back"... or "but i have to keep doing NC... its what everone says?"... or none of the above?

 

how long did you wait before you contacted him? was there a long period of NC?

[Scout]

Scout, did you feel it was your pride getting in the way of you contacting your ex?... or did you feel "there's no way he'll take me back"... or "but i have to keep doing NC... its what everone says?"... or none of the above?

 

how long did you wait before you contacted him? was there a long period of NC?

 

It was all of the above. Funny you mention the last, because I also felt if I broke NC, I would be a hypocrite since I'd advocated it so much myself on eNotalone. Oh, and I was also miffed he didn't have a revelation and realize he couldn't live without me and beg for me back, lol. Well, that was pretty selfish and self-centered, not to mention unrealistic, wasn't it? I hadn't exactly behaved like an angel, so it's no surprise he didn't have that epiphany!

 

We were in 100% NC for six weeks. I finally broke it with a brief email saying me and my dogs missed him and I would like to see him sometime...and talk. He responded back the next day saying he'd be up for hanging out, too!

[shikashika]

It was all of the above. Funny you mention the last, because I also felt if I broke NC, I would be a hypocrite since I'd advocated it so much myself on eNotalone. Oh, and I was also miffed he didn't have a revelation and realize he couldn't live without me and beg for me back, lol. Well, that was pretty selfish and self-centered, not to mention unrealistic, wasn't it? I hadn't exactly behaved like an angel, so it's no surprise he didn't have that epiphany!

 

We were in 100% NC for six weeks. I finally broke it with a brief email saying me and my dogs missed him and I would like to see him sometime...and talk. He responded back the next day saying he'd be up for hanging out, too!

 

Interesting... thanks for sharing! i wonder if you are one of the lucky ones that got a response right back saying he'd be glad to meet up. Didn't you say it wasn't all complete reconciliation at first.... you were back to being 'friends"?... or you went right back into being in a relationship?

 

sorry, one more question... if you don't mind me asking... how long were you two together when you broke up?

[papalazarou]

We were in 100% NC for six weeks. I finally broke it with a brief email saying me and my dogs missed him and I would like to see him sometime...and talk. He responded back the next day saying he'd be up for hanging out, too!

 

 

So do you think that maybe that six week period of NC helped get you back together? By that I mean you and him so you could both get some perspective on things??

 

I must admit I do agree with NC but I also appeciate that someone at somepoint has to bite the bullett and make the first move. I would say the timing of holding out an olive branch depends on the circumstances of the split?

[Scout]

So do you think that maybe that six week period of NC helped get you back together? By that I mean you and him so you could both get some perspective on things??

 

I definitely know it gave me time to get perspective on things. And while I *think* it gave him that time, too, he hasn't definitively agreed with this. Because I basically asked him the questions you post, and his response was, "I don't know, because you didn't give us an opportunity to be friends right off the bat. You said you couldn't handle being friends with me, so I'll never know if it would have helped or not."

 

Yeah, that didn't clear things up for me, either.

 

But I do think it gave me the time and experiences I needed to see things as they really were.

[shikashika]

Scout, did you tell him that you did not want to be friends? Was he confused then, when you called him up and told him that you missed him?

 

I ask this, because I told my ex i couldn't be friends with him... but then when I ran into him I still said hello... and he said it was frustrating because he didn't know how to please me or what i wanted (yes i can see how it was confusing...but i don't know why he cares about 'pleasing me' ?!?)

 

After you contacted your ex... were in 'friends' mode for a while.. or did you get back together right away?

 

 

Thanks!

[Scout]

We broke up, and then two weeks later he came over to get some of his stuff. He wanted to walk my dogs, so we did, and while we were walking my dogs, he asked if we could do that regularly, and also go camping. I gave non-commital answers (my head was spinning in confusion).

 

When we got back to my house, I asked him where we were at and he said emphatically that he could only be friends, that too much had happened for us to get back together.

 

I told him that I wasn't prepared for such a drastic transition yet, and would need some time. He was surprised and upset, but then understanding. He said he'd respect my wishes. And he did. That's probably why he didn't break NC.

[shikashika]

We broke up, and then two weeks later he came over to get some of his stuff. He wanted to walk my dogs, so we did, and while we were walking my dogs, he asked if we could do that regularly, and also go camping. I gave non-commital answers (my head was spinning in confusion).

 

When we got back to my house, I asked him where we were at and he said emphatically that he could only be friends, that too much had happened for us to get back together.

 

I told him that I wasn't prepared for such a drastic transition yet, and would need some time. He was surprised and upset, but then understanding. He said he'd respect my wishes. And he did. That's probably why he didn't break NC.

 

 

so when YOU broke NC... and called him was he surprised.. or wondering why you were talking to him again?

[Scout]

so when YOU broke NC... and called him was he surprised.. or wondering why you were talking to him again?

 

Well...I think I kind of explained his reaction already somewhere in this thread. His response was that he'd like to hang out, too. He didn't ask why I wanted to hang out with him, probably because I told him in my email that broke NC why: that I missed him.

[shikashika]

Well...I think I kind of explained his reaction already somewhere in this thread. His response was that he'd like to hang out, too. He didn't ask why I wanted to hang out with him, probably because I told him in my email that broke NC why: that I missed him.

 

I guess if you told him you missed him.... and that he was still prepared to meet up with you knowing that... then he must want to see you too...but you took all the effort in contacting him... that takes a lot of courage, Scout.

 

My biggest fear is asking my ex to hang out and him doing it to be polite.. not because he wants to.. i know he won't ask me... because about 6 weeks after we broke up, i was still upset with him and said i couldnt' be friends with him.... and I know he was upset by that... so this is why he decided not to contact me..i wonder if i hadn't written him that email saying" we cannot be friends'... then maybe he would have been more receptive or willing to do anything

 

god.. i sound like a teenager!