Bars?

[bulletproof]

People hit on each other and cheat in all types of situations. Nobody needs a bar for that. I think that you're both a little possessive and not very trusting of each other. Yes, other people do exist, but how realistic is it to expect that your husband will never get hit on, by sober or drunk people? It's his responsibility to make it clear that he's not interested.

[justpaisley]

Yes, it would be okay to share a drink in the hotel lobby or a restaurant. We don't like the whole atmosphere of the bar scene. My husband is 25.

 

What about a bar at a restaurant? Like Red Lobster's bar or something?

[Beec]

People hit on each other and cheat in all types of situations. Nobody needs a bar for that. I think that you're both a little possessive and not very trusting of each other. Yes, other people do exist, but how realistic is it to expect that your husband will never get hit on, by sober or drunk people? It's his responsibility to make it clear that he's not interested.

 

I think these comments are on the money.

[Meow18]

Yes, it would be okay to share a drink in the hotel lobby or a restaurant. We don't like the whole atmosphere of the bar scene. My husband is 25.

 

I'm sorry, but 'we'?? I think that you should only be speaking for yourself and not your husband.

 

I'm sort of confused, bars aren't like strip clubs. You don't go in hopes of having a girl be all over you. There aren't always girls just waiting for a woman-less guy to walk in so they can hit on him. Everybody I know goes because it can be a place to relax with friends and drink.

 

What is it that you are so afraid of?

[jsx730]

I really think you are over thinking this one.

 

If you and your husband made a deal not to go to bars separate, then yes, he should have called you and said "Hey, my coworkers and I are going to a bar."

 

However, life isn't predictable, he went spur of the moment with some friends/coworkers to grab a bite to eat and something to drink. So what if it was a bar? The chances of an unwanted drunk person being agile enough to get in a kiss is about the same as his plane crashing or his cab wrecking. Even if it happened, why would you let it affect you? Some drunk person pecks your husband on the lips, and your trusting man quickly pushes them away, so what?! If you get bent out of shape over small things like that, what kind of stress are you going to put yourself through over a long-term marriage?

[Bankers24]

I understand that probably most of you on the board don't have a problem with the bar atmosphere but I do! Would your tune change if I said it was a strip club? Different people have different opinions about the atmosphere at certain places. I do not like the bar scene atmosphere and I do not believe that married people should be there alone - I think it is a recipe for trouble. Just like believe that the strip club is off limits PERIOD. This is stuff that my husband was aware of prior to our marriage. If he did not like it then he should not have married me. I am not asking any of you to stop going to a bar or strip club - if you feel comfortable with that atmosphere then please - go. The fact of the matter is that my husband broke a promise to me and skirted the fact that he went there instead of being open and honest with me. I am not an unreasonable person and if he was going there with someone that I knew and trusted then yes that would be fine for a night out. But I do not know these people nor does he know them very well as he just started his job not too long ago.

 

Thank you for the criticizm! And thank you to those who actually helped.

[agent1607307371]

Maybe he didn't know he was going until after he spoke to you - plans do change.

 

And if he doesn't like the bar scene, then it's a good possibility that he wanted to be social, but didn't have a particularly good time.

 

Seriously, talk to your husband. Lay out what your issue is but don't jump on him for it, be non-judgemental and he'll open up more to you about it.

[RayKay]

If you think bars are the only places that people will be "tempted", you are in for some rough lessons in life.

 

The majority of affairs begin with people KNOWN to the person...not random meetings in bars...meaning family friends, coworkers, neighbours.....

 

If he lied to you, then you need to address that and find out why...though I may have an idea of why. Maybe he does enjoy going, but fears telling you so.

 

Now, you may not like the "atmosphere" of the bar scene, but perhaps he does enjoy it now and then...and not every bar has the same "atmosphere". Some great bands play in little bars now and then, or some bars are great to just sit and have a drink with friends and play some pool or throw some darts (which they frown on doing in hotel lobbies...). Some are great for watching the game, whatever...but the primary purpose is not go pick up...as you mature of have other priorities, your purpose changes, as does the nature of the locale you visit.

[Meow18]

I completely understand you being upset about him going to a bar after you both had a promise that you wouldn't go without the other. That was the issue of my first post to your thread.

 

I think agent has great advice. Just simply talk to him about this. Don't accuse him of anything because that will just shut him off.

 

Tell him you want to talk about it and when he's ready to be open and honest about exactly what all happened, then you will listen.

[jsx730]

Another thing to think about:

 

Peer pressure is a mother. If he's trying to get to know his new co-workers, do you think he'd want to say:

 

a.) Sorry, I can't go in there, my wife won't let me.

b.) Hold on, let me call and ask my wife permission to go in there.

 

Consider his situation, it's always rough when trying to balance career/networking vs. relationships.

[RayKay]

But I do not know these people nor does he know them very well as he just started his job not too long ago.

 

 

Well to be fair, he is getting to know them...and for him that involves socializing with them...and you may never know them "very well" if they are HIS coworkers...so does that mean he can never go?

[BellaDonna]

I think the bigger issue here is that he lied to you and told you he went to bed, when really he was somewhere else. That's what needs to be addressed.

 

Keep in mind though that he probably lied because he was already "pre-banished" and he figured if he told you the truth, there would be a fight about it. You don't want to create that kind of environment wheee lying is seen as the only option.

 

The issue of honesty should be addressed, and as well as the issue of freedom to do average things. In my opinion, going to a bar is a a pretty average, harmless thing. I had a conference in Washington DC and my coworkers and I went to bars both in the hotel and outside of it. We were all different ages, some married, some single, etc. It did not matter.

 

You can "pick up someone" anywhere, if that's what you're ultimately looking for. Bars do not automatically mean you are picking someone up. Your husband could do that in the supermarket, on the airplane, in a restaurant, if that's what he truly wanted to do.

 

I have gone to bars many times with friends and family, without my husband and vice versa. Sometimes my husband wil stop with a few co-workers after work to get a drink and watch a game, play pool, etc. It neverbothers me- I think it's good that he has a change of scenery without me there.

 

Marriage should not equal prison and imposing rules about what you "can" and can't do, especially when it comes to average things. You are both adults. You need to respect one another and trust one another. You need to remember your vows at all times of course, but also be reasonable. Going to a bar does not violate marital vows. It's ultimately harmless. As I said earlier, the only time it is not harmless is when a person already has the intention of cheating and picking someone up (which they can do anywhere, they do not need a bar to do that).

 

BellaDonna

[Beec]

I think the bigger issue here is that he lied to you and told you he went to bed, when really he was somewhere else. That's what needs to be addressed.

 

Isn't it just possible that he was going to go to bed and changed his mind?

[justpaisley]

A strip club is so much different from a bar. Men go to strip clubs to ogle women exclusively; most men go to bars to enjoy a drink with a friend.

 

I do understand your point. I made a similar agreement with my husband when we first started dating that he broke. It was regarding smoking, which was a dealbreaker for me. When he did accept a cigarette from a co-worker, I got extremely mad. It's not smoking that's the issue, it's that HE smoked, and broke an agreement that we made.

 

While I'm not entirely convinced that you completely trust your husband because otherwise you wouldn't feel that bars are filled with brazen hussies with a blood lust for your man, I do completely understand how hurt you are that he broke a promise about something that is so important to you, and something you thought was important to BOTH of you. I really urge you to examine both issues. Does your husband not trust you at bars either? You need to examine the root of your fear of bars. Then examine the reason he willfully broke a promise to you.

[ImThatGirl]

I understand your upset at him going to the bar after making an agreement that neither of you would ever go to the bar without the other.

 

You have the right to be hurt about that and that he told you he was going to bed.

 

However, he just started his new job. Why make him feel like a child that is not allowed to deviate a little? He has the right to get to know his co-workers without feeling that he needs to lie to you. But, if he would have been honest, I can imagine your response.

 

My boyfriend bowls two nights a week. One place he bowls is near our hometown (where he still lives.) I'm certain that there are plenty of women there, maybe even some ex girlfriends. I wouldn't be happy if he went out afterward and didn't tell me. But I wouldn't be upset with him either.

 

Now, If my bf decided that he wanted to be a local at the local bar, going every night, I'd be upset. But I only see that your husband deviated from your little agreement to get to know his co-workers better. He's an adult and so are you.

 

Work through this without getting overly upset or you may have bigger problems to worry about.

[Lady Bugg]

I also believe it's the fact he broke an agreement they made that has you upset..but MY question is why you are SO adamant about this issue? Why does being married and going to a bar make you SO uptight? I agree...going to a bar regularly is CERTAINLY reason to be uspet if you're married..but once in a blue moon? Seems like something much deeper to me. Just my opinion.

[BellaDonna]

Isn't it just possible that he was going to go to bed and changed his mind?

 

Yes it is possible.

 

Although if someone tries to impose unfair restrictions on you and tell you what you can and can't do, and there's a group of co-workers wanting to socialize with you, in a bar- but you know if you tell your wife that you'll get in a fight about it- you might think it's worth it to lie, from the very beginning.

 

I just can't see him putting his pajamas on, ready to go to bed, and then changing his mind. Like any other normal person, he probably just wanted to get a drink- and knew it from the start. (Of course she won't know for sure until she asks him- none of us know what really went on in his mind.)

 

The other option is to say no to your co-workers, and lie to them instead saying that you want to go to bed. Or you can tell them the truth- that your wife won't let you go, and then you look spineless.

 

If you go to the bar and tell your wife the truth, you get an earful and an argument making the rest of the trip miserable and seeing a frown when you get home and getting an earful yet again.

 

So while it's possible that he changed his mind, it is also possible he lied to avoid that kind of conflict, but really only created more in the end.

 

BellaDonna

[Lady Bugg]

Bella is right. I myself have told this sort of 'white lie" to avoid a fight. It simply wasn't worth the hassle. I think he deserves some credit for telling her he went. I am sure ...(though I could be wrong) he knows she's stewing about this now, and very well may be anticipating the third degree when he returns home. Hence his reason for just going in the first place.

[confused25]

I think you are overreacting. Just because he's out at a bar doesn't mean he's gonna go pick up girls! I think it's perfectly normal to hang out and socialize with friends or coworkers at a bar. If you trust him, then why do you care if other girls will try to pick him up?