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My husband and I have been married for a little less than a year now. Prior to getting married we agreed that bars are not okay unless we are both there. We believe that the bar scene is for picking up someone so we decided that IF we ever go to a bar it will be together. We have not been in a bar since we were married. For a little background, my husband is a pilot and is gone a lot on overnights.

 

Well, last night he was late getting into DC due to an emergency on the plane, so he missed his flight home. Anyway, he called me last night to tell me he was going to bed at the hotel and would talk to me in the morning - this was at 10pm. I find out this morning through a rountine logging onto our bank account that he spent $51 at a bar last night. When I questioned it this morning he said that he went there with a guy and a girl from his crew last night. He said that he put the whole bill on his debit card and they paid him in cash. Anyway, that is all fine and dandy with me but the fact that he was AT A BAR without me - he said he drank! What I want to know is: Am I crazy for being upset about this or should I just write it off as someone having fun with some co-workers? I am more upset at the fact that he was at a bar drinking after he told me he was going to bed and we have an agreement that bars are not a good place for a married man/woman to be by themselves. If he was hungry, he could have went to waffle house, wendys, IHOP! There are many choices for food that are not at bars if that is his excuse. He has always been honest and trustworthy so I am not worried that he cheated - I am more concerned with the fact that he went to the bar - PERIOD! He obviously knew it was wrong or he would have told me last night.

 

Please advise.

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I have to say, I don't think of bars as a place to pick people up. That's just my opinion, but I know a lot of friends who go there just for fun and they never brought girls back to their place or anything.

 

I'm sure after he got off the phone with you, his crew asked him to join them, and maybe he was just looking to enjoy himself?

 

What concerns me though is that this is something you both promised to each other in the beginning. So he broke a promise to you. I think that you have a right to be hurt by that.

 

But I also think you need to re-think this whole not going to bars without the other. If you really trust each other, can't you trust that he's only going to have fun and hang out with friends? Not to go and find other drunk women?

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Does he have to socialize in bars? Can he not socialize somewhere else?

 

Maybe the bar was where the rest of them were going and he could either stay back alone, or go out and have fun with his friends.

 

I think you need to talk to him more about this. You can't assume why he went, or what he did while there. These are things he needs to be honest and open about.

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It is not that I don't trust HIM. I don't trust the other people at the bar not to hit on him or do something that is unwarranted because you never know what people will do when they have been drinking. We believe that we don't want to put ourselves in that situation. One of the main reasons that affairs happen is because people are given the opportunity.

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It is not that I don't trust HIM. I don't trust the other people at the bar not to hit on him or do something that is unwarranted because you never know what people will do when they have been drinking. We believe that we don't want to put ourselves in that situation. One of the main reasons that affairs happen is because people are given the opportunity.

 

If you do in fact trust him 100%, why do you care about what other people may do? That would then not affect you at all, right? I think that the agreement was kind of unrealistic. I don't know if you mean a particular kind of bar or something, but for me I can perfectly have a girls night out in a bar, meet co-workers there, all in the absense of my bf. That would never be a problem because I wouldn't dream of looking for some guy. I think that is the problem, if you two fully trust each other, why did you feel you need an agreement to only go to bars together?

 

Ilse

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If a drunk girl comes up to him and kisses him - then yes, that does effect me! Even if he pushes her away - it happened!

 

We have that agreement because we want to be able to look out for one another - especially when it is me at a bar - guys are a lot more forward/aggressive than women most of the time and it can cause problems for me and he wants to make sure I am protected. We have had problems at bars prior to our marriage when it comes to being harassed by a drunk person so that is when we made that agreement. You can tell a drunk person to go away as much as possible but when someone is drunk a lot of the time they don't listen.

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I wouldn't think it was a big deal, since his work friends were going and he didn't have anything better to do but the fact that he made that promise to you makes things a little more complicated. Why couldn't he have just asked you if you would've minded if he went out for a few drinks? Also, I'm curious...are his co-workers married or single?

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His co-workers are single...that's what makes it even worse!

 

Then I definitely understand where you're coming from. I would be really bothered by it. I'm sure it was nothing more than what he said, but it's the concept. I've never said anythign to him, but when my boyfriend goes to bars with his single friends, I worry because yeah, I know exactly what drunk girls are like. I also know what his friends are like.

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Personally, I would be more bothered he lied if he did lie, then he went to the bar with work buddies.

 

For me, though I rarely go to a bar, I do not link "going to the bar" with "being up to no good". In my social and work experiences, it is a place to socialize, talk, have a drink or two (not ever bar is a "club" either). Refusing to go without valid reason can often really hamper developing those social and work relationships.

 

If a girl hits on my boyfriend, I ABSOLUTELY trust him to do the right thing, and I would NOT hold her actions against him. He is responsible however for his actions in response to her! And it's the same the other way. Sure, we prefer to be together, but there are times that is not possible due to other commitments, or being in different cities. But being apart does not mean we forget our commitment! And if you are worried about people hitting on him for example, well, that can happen at IHOP too.

 

It is not "opportunity" that makes someone cheat, it is "character"+"commitment(lack of)+opportunity and many other factors. There are "opportunities" everyday - in and out of bars - but not everyone would seize any of those opportunities if their heart & mind are with their partner & their relationship.

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Do you really think a drunk girl wouldn't hit on him just because you were there?

 

I could understand you both not wanting the other to go to bars alone. But what about with friends? Don't you think friends would look out for him? I mean, girls aren't going to not hit on him just because you are sitting right next to him.

 

Girls will hit on him in all sorts of places, NOT just bars. You can't be there "protecting" him from it all. It what he chooses to do with it that matters.

 

Your husband did what he did. You can either decide now to be made at him for how ever long you think he deserves, or you can try to see his side of it.

 

Maybe he wasn't as tired as he thought and maybe going out seemed funner than going back to the hotel room just to sleep? Whether or not you think that was what he should have done, he chose not to stay in.

 

Honestly, I think he went to have fun with coworkers. Not to be hit on by drunk girls.

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While I certainly understand your viewpoint..and respect it....I think your perception on the bar scene is a little ...ODD. Yes people get drunk at bars, but MOST people are fairly responsible in bars. A lot of people simply relax, unwind and socialize in bars. A lot of business transactions take place in a bar atmosphere.....YES people do take their clients out for drinks. So it's not merely a "meat market". I know you trust your husband...but have a little faith that every woman with alcohol in her system is NOT out to hit on your husband. I drink, and have NEVER tried to pick up a man in a bar. Or maybe I have....(joke). Also the fact that your husbands co workers are single is NOT a reason to think they would influence him. Your husband has a mind of his own and I am sure he can remember he IS married. Relax. Going to a bar is certainly NOT the worst thing he could do.

 

Oh and....I agree with the last poster.....a bar is NOT the only place you can hit on a guy.

In fact..it's the LEAST likely place for an affair to happen....IMO.

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His co-workers are single...that's what makes it even worse!

 

I don't see how this makes any difference. Do you think they were all sitting there flirting with every girl/guy (in the girl coworkers case..) that walked by just because the other two were single?

 

I hate to say it but I think you need to re-examine what trusting your partner really means. Because although you say that you dont' trust what other people will do, your husband is responsible for HIS actions only.

 

And not everybody will cheat given the chance.

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If he had something to hide, he wouldn't have put the bill on his card, cause of course you have access to the account and can see what he spends money on! So if he was hoping to get away with it, he was kind of stupid in that way.

 

But it's not as though he didn't tell you after you asked him about it.

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Do you really think a drunk girl wouldn't hit on him just because you were there?

 

Girls will hit on him in all sorts of places, NOT just bars. You can't be there "protecting" him from it all. It what he chooses to do with it that matters.

 

These are both really, really good points. I have never laughed so hard as the night my husband and I were at a bar seeing a local band and a drunk woman walked up to him, started flirting with him, and asked him to dance. Mind you, he was sitting right next to me, wedding ring on, and had had his arm around me most of the night. He was caught really off guard, and just kinda stammered "I... uh... don't dance," and grabbed my hand. Several of my friends were there, and at the onset of the flirting, we all shared a "look" because we knew my husband thought she was just being friendly. When he realized what was going on and basically ran behind me like a toddler behind his mom, my friends and I roared with laughter. Anyway.

 

That's not behavior exclusive to a bar, however. A woman at Sonic flirted with him, for heaven's sake (to her credit, I wasn't with him, and she may not have seen his wedding ring). Thing is, I don't care. I know my husband, and I know he's faithful to me. You say you know the same about your husband, but do you really fully trust him? If a drunk girl runs up to him and kisses him, it shouldn't matter to you, if in fact he acts the way a husband should act in the aftermath, and says something to the affect of "Woman get up off me, my wife would kill you."

 

I get the fact that you're more hurt that he broke your agreement. Things like that are sacrosanct in any relationship, no matter how small the issue may seem to other people. Let him know why you're hurt - that the issue isn't the fact that he went to a bar, but the fact that he broke your agreement. Tell him how important that agreement was to you. Then try to compromise. Let him know that if such a situation comes up again, to call you first. Please try to trust him as you say you do. I'm sure he didn't go to the bar to hurt you intentionally.

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Does he have to socialize in bars? Can he not socialize somewhere else?

 

If you are staying in a hotel, the only options one would probbaly have for socializing are either the bar or someone's room. I think I'd prefer my spouse to be in the bar rahter than in a room with a bed.

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And none are fun if no one else wants to go.

 

How old is your husband and how long have you been together in total?

 

Personally, I think the bigger problem is that he broke his word. But I have to wonder why you're so scared of him being in a bar without you.

 

People flirt, no matter the location. If he's going to get hit on, he'll get hit on, in a bar or not.

If you trust him, you trust him. Not trusting other people is a cop out. It really means I don't trust you and am not secure.

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