She's recently divorced...how long till I can be aggressive?

[methuselah]

Hello all, though I'm a terrible advice-giver in these matters, there are angels on this site, so I post here. Thanks in advance?

 

Met this girl quite by fate on the street late one night two months ago...and floated all the way home. Never been a big believer in "love at first sight" but we had a conversation that brought me as close as I've come to such things.

 

I saw her a couple times after...I've had to move out of town recently until Xmas, but we've kept in solid contact since, and I feel our friendship/relationship has grown through our email.

 

She recently disclosed that she was divorced last April. Now I'm not sure if I should be chasing or should I let it be as it is for awhile. I don't want to scare her away if she's not ready, but I also don't want her to lose interest because I'm not moving! I would really like her to visit me in the cool place I'm at, but maybe that's too forward right now. How long should I wait? She's really cool, and I think about her alot...so it's tough...but I want to make her comfortable with us.

 

Advice?

[DN]

Go for it before someone else does.

[melrich]

That's tough. Everyone is so different. Do you get a feeling she is still grappling with issues from her marriage? If so take it slowly. If not then I don't see why you shouldn't make your intentions clear.

 

How long was she married? Was the divorce acrimonious or mutual?

[methuselah]

That's tough. Do you get a feeling she is still grappling with issues from her marriage?

 

I guess I do get that feeling, somewhat. She seems to be into me and what's happening, but on the other hand, holding back to a certain distance on some things.

 

How long was she married? Was the divorce acrimonious or mutual?

 

Haven't really pried on these questions. Should I ask her straight out or let her be the one to offer info (or maybe "steer" the conversation toward the subject)?

[melrich]

No I guess if she is not offering the information it's best not to pry too much.

 

I think I agree with DN. You should initially pursue this at your pace until she gives you a signal to the contrary. If she is interested in you she will subtely lead you at the pace she wants to go. First thing you have to do though is amke sure she knows that you are interested in her.

[methuselah]

Thanks melrich and DN "super moderators"!

 

BTW, Any women who have divorced in the past have any advice for me?

[Survictor]

I divorced after a really acrimonious relationship breakdown and I mean really bad! I probably had to call the cops up to 6 times in one day. I was pretty traumatised! I certainly wasn't into beginning a new relationship but I did need a friend. You know, you could be that friend she needs.

 

I suggest you invite her to join you for coffee or lunch. You can just say you are working nearby and thought she might like to join you for lunch if she isn't busy and that way she won't build it into a huge, scary moment.

 

Small steps and be kind. You seem like a great guy.

[mgirl]

Hi m4borr,

 

Not sure i like your username, surely you're not 'borring'?!

 

Anyway, that is an interesting situation you are in. I tend to agree with the person who said you should wait if you sense she has any issues or emotional ties with her divorce. If this is the case, then the best thing you can do is hang back, keep being a consistent friend to her (don't change anything, just keep the contact and intensity the same), and let her sort it out in her own time.

 

If it lags on for too long, she may need a push, but you will have to try to trust your instincts here. I believe that we usually know the truth and the action to take, that all we have to do is listen to ourselves.

 

If you push her before she is ready, she will grow to resent you because she may sense that you took advantage of her (which you probably haven't, but she will feel this way if she is not over the marriage and you make a move).

 

Besides how she feels, surely you wouldn't want to take on a half person, or somebody who is not immediately available to you?

 

It is important to find out how long ago she separated from this other man and what stage she is up to in the grieving process. How you will do this i do not know, but if you hang around enough, you may be able to piece together the puzzle.

 

I believe that the most important thing you can do here is have integrity... do everything for the right reasons and for the higher good of both her and yourself. This is where your instincts come into play.

 

DN is right. There may come a time when you have to make a move, but only you will know this. I fully support honesty in a relationship, and possibly in the early stages.

 

May you have the best of luck

 

mgirl

[mgirl]

Yes, i agree with Survictor... "small steps and be kind"...