Started to reply to a thread, then started venting and decided to post it seperately.

[pregnantkitty_1985]

To the other poster who posted about being raped while under the influence:

 

I can completely empthasize and understand how you feel. I'm going to share with you something that not even my best friends know. They know of the story, but assume it's just rumor, because I denied it when asked. The reason why I wish to share it with you is so you know that you're not alone and there are others who can understand where you've been and how you're feeling. That's not to exclude the others who have not experienced this at all. I know they feel just as bad for you as I do.

 

But here goes. I was 18 and wild. I was a willllld teen girl. I broke free from the constraints of my parents and then grandparents who were trying to make me into a good girl. Now, you didn't say anything about yourself being a wild girl and I am not assuming that you are. But I definitely was. I was drinking a LOT. I drank as a younger teen but I didn't have the access to alcohol that I had at 18. I had so many older guy friends willing to buy me alcohol and also many older female friends as well. It got so I was drinking EVERY NIGHT, I had a job but I would drink before I went into work. The county I live in is a small one. And in the town I worked in, everyone knew everybody it seemed, and everybody knew the cashiers at the small grocery store I worked at. Everyone knew I had a reputation for drinking; my boss, the other managers, other workers, EVERYONE. Nothing to be proud of. However, this is not what's similar about our story, I'm just giving a bit of prior info so you will see that despite what you did, what you drank, etc, it's not your fault, and hell yes, it was rape.

 

Anyhow I was with this older guy, he wasn't too much older or anything, about 23 I think. And he would be someone I never would have really considered being with in that way. But he introduced me to all these cool older people who were into heavy drinking and other drugs and it got so we hung out all the time. In fact, it got to a point where he would take advantage of me when we would be drinking. I was kind of feeling low self esteem, not in looks but just in mentality. I didn't feel I was going to amount to anything in my life, my dad and his girlfriend and my mom told me as much. I was classified as academically gifted in school and was tested as such and it was concluded I had a high IQ. But, I wasn't amounting to anything. I had low self esteem about my achievements and accomplishments, (or rather, lack of.) At the same time, I had very high self esteem about my looks and body and decided to use this instead of my brain. There were a lot of guys trying to get with me; older, rich married men who lived in the town I worked; businessmen who had wives and asked me, seriously, if they could be my sugar daddies. There was also the typical teens, both younger and older then me, who pursued me, and then older guys in their mid to late 20's and 30's and ... just, a lot of guys. So I would use that to my advantage and never run out of ways to party and people to party with. I never had to pay for a drink and never had to pay for drugs.

 

This caught up with me in the long run. And here is where our story becomes one in many ways. Not the beginning paragraph, but what follows.

 

Like I said, or rather implied, the guy I was with was a (Mod will edit so I may as well say, mod edit) and the whole "relationship" was based upon him taking advantage of me when I was drunk. This somehow created even lower self esteem; I felt I wasn't deserving of a 'good' man who wouldn't do such a thing. I felt that even though he never would have been someone I would have chosen to be with, it was what I deserved for acting the way that I did. At the same time I still attracted these other men who I also felt would be absolute (mod edit) as well, so I might as well stay with him. He didn't really seem to care what happened to me and had left me in the company of other men who would hit on me and try to touch me and stuff while he went on a drug run, several times. Behind my back, he would tell people I was a * * * *, and stuff like that. And I just came to think, well, men don't want me for my MIND.. I was young, I was stupid. Now I don't give a flying (mod edit.) Respect my mind or you don't respect me.

 

Anyhow, one night I went out with a couple of guy friends. The loser I was with at the time got angry at me ahead of time and told me I could go alone, even though he had expressed that he thought they would take advantage of me. I didn't worry because he was a brother of one of my friends and I didn't think anything of it. To me, they wanted to hang out as friends, not because they had ulterior motives. The fact that they were supplying me with beer the second I got into the car didn't even cross my mind. When we got back to the house, they brought out some liquor. The fact that they took my cup and went into the back bedroom also didn't cross my mind. I trusted them. I trusted my female friend to not let anything happen to me, as well. (Nowadays, I'd rather be alone than have a lot of friends. I've cut ties with many. The list grows longer as the years go by. There is no one to trust; when you can't even trust your own family, your own friends. People you THINK are friends. There is no one to trust.)

 

I don't remember anything after that. I remember a flash of one of the guys saying how all through school, he had always wanted a chance to have sex with me. I was laughing (insanely drunk) saying no. Thinking it was all a game. I remember a flash of someone pulling my pants down, or something like that. I'm not entirely sure. And I don't remember anything else.

 

All I know is the next day I was laying in my bed at the apartment I shared with my then boyfriend, with a horrible hangover and a strickening sense of disgust/shame/embarrasment. I didn't know what happened, I didn't have a phone so I couldn't call them and ask. My boyfriend said they had taken me home at 3 in the morning and I came stumbling through the door completely tore up drunk. I had dried semen on my thighs but my boyfriend didn't say anything about us having sex. I got the nerve to ask him later; he said nah, then he said yes, but didn't look totally honest. Maybe he didn't remember; maybe we did. I have no idea.

 

So the next day I went to work and then came the rumors. Everyone was whispering, everyone was buzzing about what supposedly happened. My boss even came up to me and told me people were going around saying that so and so and etc, had ran a train on me when I was drunk. That I was a freaky girl, and etc. And EVEN MORE men were coming up to me leering at me in the store, I just KNEW they had heard about this stuff. I was furious, I denied everything, I denied I was ever even with them that night. I said it's just talk. Some people believed it, some people expressed doubt, behind my back that is.

 

It was shameful as hell, to hear these things and want to be able to HONESTLY say, that's bull****. But I couldn't because I didn't honestly think it was.

 

So I played it cool, I went to my friend's house a few weeks after this incident occurred. She acted all normal, but I knew something was up. She got mad at her brother and finally admitted that they had told her I had given him head and other stuff that night. I asked her, how could she let me do stuff like that when I was DRUNK? She was just like, well they brought you into the bedroom, you were so drunk that you didn't resist, so...

 

Heh. Needless to say, we're not friends anymore. Who needs friends like that? I could go visit a bunch of criminals at the prison and make better friends, you know?

 

So one day he came into the store and was flirting with me. A mocking smile on his face the entire time. My boss was watching us with a smirk on her face, so was a lot of other people. I told him to go outside, and stepped outside for a cigarette break. I confronted him; he denied it. He sweet-talked me and kissed my * * * and used our friendship as proof that he'd never do such a thing. He said, yeah, at one point I went to use the bathroom and my pants just happened to "fall down" but he supposedly helped me put them "back on." He tried to claim his other friend is the one who was trying to get me alone in the bedroom, but he came in there and rescued me. Yeah. Sure.

 

Basically, he knew if he admitted the truth, he could get in serious trouble. He had already been in and out of jail for other minor offenses. But the whole time he denied it, a smile played on the corner of his lips.

 

I'm not a fool.

 

Plus, as the year went by, a lot of other people associated with him and his friend approached me, thinking I would do such things with them. Because apparently he went around telling them that he and his friend ran a train on me.

 

I'm not really sure what running a train means. I do know it's sexual. If it involves penetration of the vagina by one man and another anally, then hell no that didn't happen. I'd know if that had happened, the next day. If it means where one has sex with me and the next takes his turn, then I think that's more likely. I don't know, I have no idea. I'm actually GLAD that I don't know because if I did, I'd still be reliving it today.

 

For a long while, just the fact that something occurred was enough to bring on feelings of shame/guilt/dirtyness. Also, the fact that people could blame me for it, and there probably wouldn't been enough proof. So I can understand what the other poster meant when she expresses doubt about it being actual rape. (IT IS.) Also when she expresses that there might not be enough proof for this to stand. I understand exactly where she is coming form.

 

The fact is, alcohol or no alcohol, it should have never happened. These men KNOW we're drunk; you can't be blind to that fact. They KNOW it likely wouldn't be consensual if we were sober, and they KNOW the only way to try anything is to drug us and get us drunk.

 

This is rape. I don't care how one looks at it. It's morally wrong. It's sick, and disturbing to take advantage of someone who has been drinking.

 

It just seems a lot of men do this nowadays; why?

 

But to the original poster, it is not your fault. It doesn't matter that you were drinking, you never would have done this. It doesn't matter what kind of person you were/are (like I said, I was a wild girl but I never would have done that).

 

I think you do need to tell your boyfriend this. A good man would be enraged that this would happen. If he's a good man, he could never find fault with you for this, he could never blame you, and also, he could never find you dirty. You're not dirty, these men who do these things are the dirty ones.

 

I know how you feel. It does get easier with time. I would suggest counselling for you if you are into that sort of stuff. I never went to counselling, I think I'm fine now. Mainly time going by. I don't think I'm fine really, I guess it's just that I don't relive it, I have no memories to relive. I am suspicious of all men and their motives as a result. And last year I was a pretty unhappy person, what with the unravelling of the horrible relationship I was in (it was all based on lies, anyway.). I knew all along I was with someone who had taken advantage of me himself, looked down on me, used me, had no real compassion or conscience or morals, yet I found it very hard to leave because by then, for some deranged reason, I was attached to him. You become attached to people for the strangest of reasons. I guess it's like women who won't leave their abusive husbands, in a way. They're attached. I did eventually stand up for myself and left him. Never been back. Never would. I just feel he had a part in what happened, too. He covered for them. I think he was aware that was going to happen but didn't care. I think he figured he'd get 'cool points' for letting them have his girlfriend for a night. I don't know. Not to mention at the beginning when we started hanging out I have flashes of memory of him putting his hand down my pants when I never would have allowed it; like I said at the beginning I wasn't attracted at all to him and never had any plans to be with him. In fact after these incidences and I was sober I'd feel disgusted, I'd be disgusted to even look at him; yet I couldn't stop the cycle. Drink, drink, numb yourself, drink some more, do things out of character because you would rather take the mental abuse than take what someone good has to offer. I've done some thinking and I think it's maybe because my mom has been so emotionally distant and uncaring and my dad has been physically and bordering towards sexually abusive. I think that's why I did that stuff, and why I underachieved, and why I would drink and drink and eventually started messing with someone I never was even attracted to and who I never wanted to be with, and eventually got attached to. I think it's all to do with stuff like that.

 

Not sure. Anyhow, I have really went on some tangents there. It feels good to anonymously vent. I haven't really thought of that incident in some time; it was this post posted by the original poster that made me think of it. I don't know that it will help the original poster but I'm trying to let you know, you're not alone, some people will not only feel horrible but also empthasize. Good luck on the healing process and good luck on getting the bastard convicted. Even if he doesn't, even if nothing comes of it, you know what happened, you know what he did was wrong. It doesn't matter if you were drunk, it doesn't matter, that man knew it was wrong, that man knew the entire time. He deserves to pay for what he did.

[scarew]

Kitty,

How long ago did this happen? I have been through similar experiences myself. I realized the problem would continue until I quit drinking. Do you still find yourself in vulnerable situations?

 

I am not saying its your fault for drinking and letting that happen. I am just saying that its preventable. I have been in SEVERAL situations very similar to the story you just told when I was younger (probably around 16/17).

 

As for the original poster, your right, time does heal. I got counselling through victim services but I'm not sure how the recourses work where you are from. Kitty, I think even though time heals it is important for you too to get counselling on this issue. Hang in there,

 

Sarah

[Beec]

Sorry to hear about this engagedkitty, no one deserves this. Hope you continue to heal.

 

FWIW, a train is when multiple men have sex with you, one after the other.

[MarieK12]

Thank you for posting this. I know it can't have been easy, and yes, it does help to hear my thoughts and fears and confusion coming from someone else. While I wish to god you had never gone through this to begin with, I am grateful you took the time to share it with me and easy the loneliness of everything I am dealing with right now.

[Juliana]

Rape survivors often experience flashbacks to their own rapes when reading or watching tv and running accross references to rape. It's called "triggering." Your account of your rape was amazingly well-written; let me just say that for starters. And I am a writer; wow. Your intelligence is just obvious.

 

What's also unfortunately obvious is how scarred you are from these experiences. You're not fine. But that's okay; who's going to be "fine" after what you went through? Your outrage is ringing in every line, and what you said is true; they do know. They know it's rape.

 

Your status is a little different from the OP's in that time has passed since you were raped. I think you were actually sexually assaulted repeatedly while you were drunk, and then gang raped. I think you may have been assaulted since. I don't think you can actually tell, anymore, what a normal, consensual sexual relationship is supposed to be like.

 

Other women in your position have withdrawn from having sex for a period of time (a year or two) in order to break the habit of getting into abusive sexual relationships. While they are staying out of relationships, they take that time to think about what a good relationship would be like, what they think a good man would be like. They hone their understanding of what is and what isn't healthy in a relationship.

 

The trauma survivors primary need is for safety: Are you safe now? Are you in a safe place? Are you associating with people who might physically attack you? Can you get to a safe place? You may need to move to a new community and start fresh.

 

Writing this out is a great start on moving forward in your own recovery. Because so much time has passed, I'm going to make another suggestion: Start running. You might think that exercise isn't going to do anything for you, but for some reason, the physical act of running seems to bypass logic and go straight to the traumatized part of our minds, and heals us years after the attack.

 

If you can afford it, another great thing to do is to get a big dog. I own a german shepherd. No, I know you don't feel you can trust people, but I assure you, you can trust your dog. For a few years after I got her, I never let her leave my side. She's made a huge difference to my feeling of being safe.

 

I know how you feel; how you want to tell people, "this is not who I am, what you have made me be. I am worth more than that." Well, you are. So look after yourself, because you are an important person, and you have gifts that everyone would benefit from if you begin to use them. Don't fall into the trap of thinking that your sexuality is anything more than a garnish; there is much more to you than that.

[Fallout]

I am sorry this happened to you...you're right no matter how wild you were you didn't deserve that!

 

But I do think you should try counselling...how do you know it won't work unless you try it?

 

The thing is you can't go through life not trusting anyone...you made mistakes in the past and got associated with the wrong people...but not everyone is like them, you deserve to be happy and heal don't let those creeps ruin your life by staying alone all the time...

[pregnantkitty_1985]

Kitty,

How long ago did this happen? I have been through similar experiences myself. I realized the problem would continue until I quit drinking. Do you still find yourself in vulnerable situations?

 

This happened when I was 18. I am about to turn 21 in a few weeks. No, I don't find myself in vulnerable situations now. I don't drink like I used to. I've not completely stopped drinking but I have cut down my usage of alcohol a LOT in this past year. But regardless of whether I was drinking or not, no one should take advantage of that. And the same goes for you. The situations you were in didn't make it alright for anyone to take advantage of you. It could have been preventable, but maybe not. Who's to say? But I understand your point. And I've thought about that often. Like, "if I hadn't of been drinking around the wrong people..." and etc, etc.

 

 

 

[pregnantkitty_1985]

Sorry to hear about this engagedkitty, no one deserves this. Hope you continue to heal.

 

FWIW, a train is when multiple men have sex with you, one after the other.

 

Okay, makes sense then. Thanks for the info. I thought that was it, but wasn't sure. I can't say that's something I'd ever be into!

[pregnantkitty_1985]

Thank you for posting this. I know it can't have been easy, and yes, it does help to hear my thoughts and fears and confusion coming from someone else. While I wish to god you had never gone through this to begin with, I am grateful you took the time to share it with me and easy the loneliness of everything I am dealing with right now.

 

You can talk to me anytime you need, I'll be around enotalone as I visit often. I find it's the most helpful site I've ever been to. I hope you continue to update us on your case.

[pregnantkitty_1985]

originally posted by Juliana Rape survivors often experience flashbacks to their own rapes when reading or watching tv and running accross references to rape. It's called "triggering." Your account of your rape was amazingly well-written; let me just say that for starters. And I am a writer; wow. Your intelligence is just obvious.

 

Thank you. I have wanted to be a writer since I was a little girl. I was constantly writing stories and short novels and poetry as a kid. As I grew older and entered my teens I even started on some books, and wrote some short stories and poetry and such. I had about 50 disks full of my writing. It's all gone now... I wish it wasn't, I could revise some of my stuff and finish it and possibly publish it someday. It's always been an interest/hobby of mine. Over the past couple of years I have not written much at all, as described in my original post I had unfortunately taken up some negative hobbies which pretty much overshadowed any writing I could have been doing. I would like to start again. I think I have a lot to say; a lot to write about. I've got a lifetime's worth of things I can write about, actually. My life has not been a boring one, to say the least.

 

Also let me add that it is also evident to me that you are a writer. I'm not surprised in the least to hear you say that. I've read some of your other posts and the difference between your posts and the average poster's is clear.

 

What's also unfortunately obvious is how scarred you are from these experiences. You're not fine. But that's okay; who's going to be "fine" after what you went through? Your outrage is ringing in every line, and what you said is true; they do know. They know it's rape.

 

I am enraged actually, now that I'm thinking about it. I've repressed it more than "forgot" really. I didn't realize this until I read my post just now. My fiance went online, because he knows I post on enotalone, and found my post. I had deleted the history but he still found it (he's the nosiest person I've ever met.) Anyhow, he was furious upon reading that post and was ready to kill. I was like, 'calm down, calm down, it's not a big deal anymore, this happened a long time ago.." So, upon rereading my post, I realized that my reaction to his anger was based upon my repression of what happened. I realized just how angry I am about such incidents when I reread my post; I've just been in denial. So I retract my statement, I didn't really forget about it until I read that post, I've just repressed it and made myself believe I had forgotten about it. The fact that you, Juliana, felt the outrage ringing in my written words is enough to tell me that I was merely in denial about my true feelings. I had never forgot.

 

 

 

Your status is a little different from the OP's in that time has passed since you were raped. I think you were actually sexually assaulted repeatedly while you were drunk, and then gang raped. I think you may have been assaulted since. I don't think you can actually tell, anymore, what a normal, consensual sexual relationship is supposed to be like.

 

I believe that is what happened. I'm just grateful I don't have memories of it, though I know it to be true. Well I'm not quite sure about the latter line, I am in a relationship now with someone who I consent to. I think we have a normal, consensual sexual relationship. But the ex, no, I wouldn't say I was in a normal consensual sexual relationship with. Plus, that guy seemed to really get off on taking advantage of one when they're drunk; he wasn't too interested in sexual relations unless I was drunk. I guess it was a power thing. His overbearing mother left him no room for his own thoughts and opinions, and basically ruled his life. I sumrise that doing such things was his way of gaining what he thought was power & control in a life so restricted and governed by Mommy Dearest. Of course I'm no psychology major but such a thing seems pretty obvious to me. In the end I realized just how disturbed that man really was; I had been making excuses for him because I was attached to him, despite my better knowledge.

 

I have done some horrifically stupid things. I have made so many terribly wrong choices. I am almost 21. I still have time to change. Because though I have done some horrifically stupid things, and made terribly wrong choices, and associated with some of the most heinous of people; I'm not a stupid person. And I've got morals that they lack. I have compassion; I'm individual. And I am proud of this fact.

 

 

Other women in your position have withdrawn from having sex for a period of time (a year or two) in order to break the habit of getting into abusive sexual relationships. While they are staying out of relationships, they take that time to think about what a good relationship would be like, what they think a good man would be like. They hone their understanding of what is and what isn't healthy in a relationship.

 

The trauma survivors primary need is for safety: Are you safe now? Are you in a safe place? Are you associating with people who might physically attack you? Can you get to a safe place? You may need to move to a new community and start fresh.

 

That sounds like a good idea for such women to withdraw from having any sort of sexual relations with another in order to break such a habit. I didn't do such a thing but it would have benefitted me greatly. I do however know that now I'm not in an abusive sexual relationship. I never really thought about the fact that I was in one. You've shown me the truth. Yep I'm in a safe place and I don't associate (as far as my knowledge) with anyone who would physically attack me.

 

Writing this out is a great start on moving forward in your own recovery. Because so much time has passed, I'm going to make another suggestion: Start running. You might think that exercise isn't going to do anything for you, but for some reason, the physical act of running seems to bypass logic and go straight to the traumatized part of our minds, and heals us years after the attack.

 

If you can afford it, another great thing to do is to get a big dog. I own a german shepherd. No, I know you don't feel you can trust people, but I assure you, you can trust your dog. For a few years after I got her, I never let her leave my side. She's made a huge difference to my feeling of being safe.

 

Good advice, exercise releases endorphins that combat depression. I should do that. I'm going to start making time to do so. If not that, then walking. And I've got two fercocious kitty kitties that never leave my side. I love my little babies! I would like a puppy but I don't want to have to keep him/her outside. My cats would beat his/her * * *

 

 

I know how you feel; how you want to tell people, "this is not who I am, what you have made me be. I am worth more than that." Well, you are. So look after yourself, because you are an important person, and you have gifts that everyone would benefit from if you begin to use them. Don't fall into the trap of thinking that your sexuality is anything more than a garnish; there is much more to you than that.

 

Thank you for your words; easy enough to say but I really do appreciate them. Particularly because my family has never been one to say such things; so I don't take such words lightly. Thank you.

[pregnantkitty_1985]

I am sorry this happened to you...you're right no matter how wild you were you didn't deserve that!

 

But I do think you should try counselling...how do you know it won't work unless you try it?

 

The thing is you can't go through life not trusting anyone...you made mistakes in the past and got associated with the wrong people...but not everyone is like them, you deserve to be happy and heal don't let those creeps ruin your life by staying alone all the time...

 

 

Well I went to counselling and I bonded very well with one woman, who later left the school district for another job. And the subsequent people weren't genuine, nor did they really care. It was nothing but a job to them. I stopped going; my choice. It was doing nothing for me anyway. I do however think it works for some.

[Fallout]

Ok...perhaps you could try going to counsellors that specialize in rape - it's free in the US and you can even do it over the phone if you want to...maybe those school counsellors weren't top notch and didn't know how to deal much with rape...

 

Also...perhaps you could start writing again if you're good at it you can do something you love and make money of it too

[pregnantkitty_1985]

Ok...perhaps you could try going to counsellors that specialize in rape - it's free in the US and you can even do it over the phone if you want to...maybe those school counsellors weren't top notch and didn't know how to deal much with rape...

 

Also...perhaps you could start writing again if you're good at it you can do something you love and make money of it too

 

 

Well, I mean, that thing happened when I was 18, so I was already out of school. I went to counselors for family abuse and stuff during school. I'll look into that stuff though, I just don't feel I really need it or anything. I'll look around though and see what's available in my area. Thanks though- I probably should start writing again. It's way better therapy than sitting on a couch talking to people.

 

Your avatar is the cutest by the way. Kitty!

[Fallout]

Oh you're a kitty too just noticed lol...now on a more serious note...I'd say since you couldn't get back on your feet afterwards you do need counselling...remember it's not too late to go to college or do what you always wanted to do with your life...my kitty says so!