No closure/ NC/ how long for his call?

[Scout]

If I were you, I would take this entire evening as one big positive, even though some of the words he said made you take the whole situation in a completely different light.

 

I am not surprised that he said you two would be better off as friends, but then made some romantic moves on you. I am not surprised he helped you with your computer, took out your trash, and invited you for pizza and a movie.

 

This guy has feelings for you, but he's scared by the pace the relationship went before, and yes, probably got scared by some of your negative comments and negative feelings that you thought were unnoticeable, but trust me, they weren't. That fear tempered his feelings.

 

When my guy came over to my house a month ago for our first meet-up after the break-up, he told me the same thing. He said he only wanted to be friends. After everything that happened, he just didn't think a romantic relationship between us would be possible.

 

The following week he showed up at my door with a completely different mindset.

 

That's all I can tell you. If you care about David, if you feel that he is, at heart, a good man and someone who you feel good to be around, then you are going to have to drop some self-defeating thought processes. And this is going to be hard, because these thought processes are things so many of us do, and they are entirely based on protecting our egos, salvaging our pride, and claiming power/the upper hand in our relationshps. All things that are incredibly over-rated, not to mention the eventual kiss of death for most relationships. I would even go so far as to say they are largely responsible for most of the break-ups I see on eNotalone.

 

So...if you want to see if there is something that can be rebuilt with David, here's what I suggest. They aren't guaranteed to get you results, but that's part of the whole thing (stop fixating on the end, and enjoy & learn from the journey, instead).

 

1. Quit wondering about the official status of your relationship. There is no official status right now.

 

2. Start being more concerned about the quality of the time you spend together, not the quantity. If that means you see him one day a week and it's really great - full of conversation and laughter - then it doesn't matter you two didn't veg out on the couch and stare at the TV together the other six days of the week.

 

3. Stop projecting what he might be thinking or why he might be acting a certain way. This is an entirely useless activity too many of us consume ourselves with doing. Instead, take the fact he's being kind and interested towards you as all you need to concern yourself with for the moment.

 

4. Listen. LISTEN LISTEN LISTEN. Do more listening for some time than talking.

 

5. Let him know he's appreciated. Let him know at the end of a great evening how much you appreciate his efforts and time that evening.

 

6. Enjoy, focus on, and revel in the moment with him. Live your present, not your future! Because how you live your present will determine your future.

 

Well, that's all the advice I have for now! And another person who can really give you great insight is again, DN. Without his feedback, my own situation would have derailed. I learned a great deal from his suggestions, and I am committed to passing them on.

[jamiek]

Hi Scout. Thanks so much for your tiem and feedback - I have to say thaty I thought you'd say soemthing entirely different. He flat out said at lunch when asked, that he had felt I wasn't basically the "one" for him - that he didn't think we were a long-term match. Giod that was hard to take (but I pretended to take it well). I thoguht you'd tell me forget it and move on after hearing that. I'm scared. I do like him and like our time together. I am concerned a bit about his issues - I think he has some serious issues w/ intimacy and definitely w/ communication (which he admitted and admitted to be passive-aggressive). He said he's been seeing the same therapist everyw eek for 11 yrs (twice a week now). The getting on match thing even after I left (but never dating) makes me think he uses it as a ws to try to disconnect from his feelings for me - to not want to feel much or attach. He certainly sent some mixed messages. But I'll hang in here loosely and let him make the initiatives mostly and take it slow w/ him. In the menatime, I will date others too. My friends/family mostly think I'm crazy and that he seems to have issues and he'll hurt me again. I don't want him to be using me to have someone he likes (but will never love) to spend time with. Thanks again - I'll keep you posted. This is my first time on this site - how do I specifically get DN's advice on here?

[Scout]

Consider this next phase as a time where you really get to know him better, and vice versa. We all have issues. Some are harder to deal with than others. You'll just have to see if his good points outweigh his issues. And maybe with a different mindset and approach, his issues will lessen.

 

Even if you don't end up together, don't you think this is a worthwhile exercise in empathy and patience? Two qualities that will only serve you well, no matter the outcome with David.

 

I'll ask DN to chime in here. His advice is in demand with a lot of folks, though, so he might not be able to contribute as often on your thread.

[jamiek]

Ok, thnaks a lot again. I hope to hear form him this week (I don't want to call/write first for now). I'll keep u posted and watch for any feedback from DN ....

[Scout]

If you haven't heard from him by Tuesday, why not send him an email just saying what a great time you had with him the other evening? You could also compliment something he said or did, and even close with a, "I'm definitely up for another get together some time, thanks again for a really fun evening!"

 

You know, guys like to have their egos stroked a bit, too.

[jamiek]

God, I'm so hesitant to write him first especially mentioning gettng together again. I could ask if there is any news from the job yet and say the other night was fun. Thanks - I'll keep u posted. Men - argh! I have a date this week too. I have to keep dating others. Good luck w/ your guy too!

[shikashika]

God, I'm so hesitant to write him first especially mentioning gettng together again. I could ask if there is any news from the job yet and say the other night was fun. Thanks - I'll keep u posted. Men - argh! I have a date this week too. I have to keep dating others. Good luck w/ your guy too!

 

good luck jamie... I have been reading your thread from the beginning and i hope it goes well for you !

[Scout]

God, I'm so hesitant to write him first especially mentioning gettng together again. I could ask if there is any news from the job yet and say the other night was fun. Thanks - I'll keep u posted. Men - argh! I have a date this week too. I have to keep dating others. Good luck w/ your guy too!

 

Well, let's not think about that yet. We need to get in a less stressed out frame of mind. I know it's not easy, but try to just remember the positives of the other evening, of which there were MANY.

[jamiek]

Thanks Shikashika!! You guys are so nice!! This has all really helped me - I can't say how much I appreciate it. I'll keep you guys posted - If I don't hear by Wed. I'll write something to him. I'm trying to block out negative energy - my guy friends think he's a big lier and I should just forget him (they've never met him). It's hard to forget what he said at lunch about me not being a long-term match for him; it makes me very scared to proceed (I don't want to be someone he's just attracted to and likes hanging out w/ in t the meantime) - I guess we'll see. I'll write soon!!

[jamiek]

Shikashika and Scout, do you guys have threads for me to read??

[Scout]

my guy friends think he's a big lier and I should just forget him (they've never met him).

 

Right, they've never met him. 'Nuff said.

 

It's hard to forget what he said at lunch about me not being a long-term match for him; it makes me very scared to proceed (I don't want to be someone he's just attracted to and likes hanging out w/ in t the meantime)

 

First of all, right now he may think you're not a match because of certain things that happened when you two were together. Second, you're not so sure yourself if you two are a long-term match.

 

(I don't want to be someone he's just attracted to and likes hanging out w/ in t the meantime)

 

Why not??? These are basic things needed to even want to explore something more meaningful with someone. You two may be starting from scratch again. If so, consider this an opportunity for both of you to really get to know each other this time, to do some things differently than you did before. You keep thinking about the future outcome of you two. Live in the present! It absolutely will determine your past and your future.

 

I'm reading a book that talks about this concept. The author says too many people worry about the past and the future. Well, the past is just a dream at this point, and the future merely a vision. So, if you live your present joyfully, then you will be creating a past that is a happy dream and a future that is a positive vision. Doesn't this make incredible sense?

 

STOP WORRYING. And smile over the good stuff that happened. The guy took your garbage out! He fixed your computer! Think hard about other helpful things he did for you in the past. I have a feeling that doing little acts of service may be the main way this guy expresses his caring feelings. According to another book I've read, we all have our distinct love languages...ways we express love, and react to love. For some people, doing little acts of service for their loved ones is how they express love. For others, it could be more verbal.

 

I think you need to pay way more attention to positive ques in your relationships than what you perceive to be the negative ones.

 

I'm not criticizing you personally, by the way...because, too many people do the above, I used to myself. Wouldn't our relationships be so much happier if we were more focused on the positives, instead of worrying about perceived negatives??

[Scout]

Shikashika and Scout, do you guys have threads for me to read??

 

I don't have any personal threads up at the moment, but thanks for asking. Shikashika does, you can look up her profile by clicking on her name, and it will give you a link to her threads.

 

And there's plenty of other folks on eNotalone that could use some input on their threads. (Just don't get hooked! It's very easy to get way wrapped up on this site, so limit your Internet time if possible. Trust me on this...I've been coming here for almost three years!)

[Scout]

And another thing...this guy made a point to CALL you after receiving your first email. That says a great deal. It would have been easier for him to respond via email, but he took the direct approach instead...following YOUR que here (you directly asked him if he wanted to get together in your email instead of using the "hey I've got your remote control" excuse).

 

I know some of the things he's saying are giving you pause for thought. But his actions are indicating there's a real possibility what he's currently saying isn't necessarily the way he's going to permanently feel.

 

Of course, I don't want to give you any false hopes. Maybe things won't work out. There's really no way of knowing. But you can control how you approach things going forward, and one way would be to keep mindful of the positive signs. This will help you appreciate him more, rather than resent him for not saying what you want to hear right now. And when you have a more positive feeling about someone, it simply shows in everything you say and do, and typically makes the other person feel really good about you, too!

[Scout]

Ok, I'm on a roll, lol...when my boyfriend broke up with me, he told me, "We're just too different." He was really angry with me, and that anger...and yes, hurt...had convinced him at the time we weren't a "good match." What's more, he even told me he didn't love me anymore.

 

Well, fast forward to where we are today: things are decidedly different. In fact, last night he told me we are a really good match!

 

Time can do a great deal to change perspectives. (Especially if you are doing and thinking things in a different way than you did before.) Seriously. If you had asked me two months ago if there was any hope in repairing my last relationship, I would have said, "I can't imagine that ever happening. He doesn't want me anymore, he doesn't love me anymore, he's through with me."

 

Now again, I can't say that this will be your outcome. But, did you think before you contacted him he would call you to arrange a get together? Did you think after he told you that you weren't a good match that he would kiss you?

[shikashika]

Jamie! I wouldn't listen to my advice.. click on 'all my posts' and you will see that i'm one confused,, analytical dumpee ! maybe reading my posts you will see that

 

IMO, things sound good. he replies right away... you said he would be a bit of kissing going on... that would be so hard for me... I miss the physical side with my ex so much.

 

Scout has been amazing at listening to my problems and i really thank her for that... and i see she has given you some great advice in this thread too 9which i've been reading as well... good advice Scout ! )

 

Scout, as I said, I really appreciate you reading my posts. I guess what I have difficulty dealing with is the big "WHY" to my ex (as you know). Even though at one point he said" yeah i'm just not into you".. he later changed his mind to "yeah of course i did, i just don't get you". the reason I bring this up again is that your post above where he said, "We're just too different." that conversation reminded me of my ex... This is EXACTLY what he said to me.

 

I know I need to move on and stop hijaking jaimek's posts.. i guess a lot of things you say sounds so familiar with my ex.... I know every situation is different.

 

again, Jamie, I'm hoping things work out for you!

[Scout]

Thanks for the kind words, Shikashika. It's really nice to hear! For your situation, if you keep running into your ex, perhaps things will present themselves in a way that give you two an opportunity to actually comfortably talk one day.

[shikashika]

Thanks for the kind words, Shikashika. It's really nice to hear! For your situation, if you keep running into your ex, perhaps things will present themselves in a way that give you two an opportunity to actually comfortably talk one day.

 

 

no problem Scout... its so nice that strangers have the time to listen to our problems and dilemmas!

 

Yes, but i don't run into him that often.. I don't know whether to keep going NC, and out of my way to avoid him (at the gym) when we have had contact, he has never delayed in getting back to me.. the last time we spoke, as i said, he said just that" We're so different' I like you but we aren't a good match.

[jamiek]

Thanks Scout - you are really good at this, as Shikashika said it's so nice that strangers help each other and care like this - so appreciated. I'm just scared. And you're right about him calling and kissing me and helping. But when he started kissing me at my place, it was clear it ws to have sex - so that made me concerned. I never expected him to hang out for 8 1/2 hours w/ me though so I guess that was definitely a good sign. You made a really good point about needing to be attracted and hang out for company as essentail anyway for anything more and that I wasn't entirely sure either about things (it's just so hard to hear b/c he said it in no uncertain terms as opposed to him just not being sure). But ok, I'll stop!!! I am trying to stay positive and you make many, many good points and your story helps too. Shikashika no worries about "hijacking my thread" and thanks for your interest and good wishes too. I'm going to read through yours too. Thanks again to you both - I'll be back to update!!

[Scout]

Again, you're worrying. Just stop. The worst that could happen is he sticks to his position. We're not there yet. You have to give things a real chance, and that could take a lot of time. If you don't have the ability to adjust yourself to or at least respect someone else's pace, you could end up repeating this situation in other relationships.

[DN]

Scout is doing a great job in giving advice here - I back up all she has said.

[Scout]

Learned it from the master, DN!

[jamiek]

Updae on my saga! Well as you know I had last seen David that Saturday for the first time after our break-up where he said he didn't see me as long-term at lunch but then spent the next 9 hours with me and asked me to get together again. I saw him again this past Saturday (first time since then - one week lateR). I hadn't head from him by Wednesday so I dropped him a quick e-mail and he then asked to get together over the weekend. We had dinner and went to a movie. We had a nice night. I told him I might not go home to NY for x-mas this year (we live in Los Angeles) and he said he'd be around if I don't. He wa basically wrapped around me the whole night - in line at the theater and during the movie (he never let go of me). He was driving me home and said "You need to walk Macey right?" - Macey is my dog. This meant that he would stop for me to walk her and then we'd sleep at his place (from past experience). We did not spend the night together last time and I hadn't agreed to it for this time. I didn't know what to say and just said yes. We came to my palce and walked my dog and then we came back in to my place and he went in my room and got undressed and into my bed. So .... I said nothing and got in bed too. Of course a big part of me wnated to spend the night together again but I couldn't still forget what he said at lunch the week before. We had a very nice/ intimate night together and he slept with his arm around me the whole night. In the morning we got up and ate breakfast and he then left. He had a 10am lesson to be at. He also offered to fix a few more things around my ploace again (I like this- he never did this before). He said he'd bring a screw driver next time to fix something. When he left he kissed me and said the night before and morning were great (which is nice but sounds very focused on the physical). Then he said bye and left. The thing is - I can't forget what he said at lunch about me not being long-term potential. How do I know that he is not thinking that he told me that and so I know and am still agreeing to hang out w/ him like this (like a fool) so he doesn't have to feel bad about it. He could have meant it and just likes my company (and fooling around). How long can I keep seeing him before asking him. It's bothering me and I'm feeling scared about it. He is still active on link removed too (after thsi past Saturday again). That's very hard to see. I'm not looking to push the relationship or exclusivity or anything but I need to know if he meant that about not feeling I was long-term potential so I don't waiste my time or get hurt again. My therapist that I see thinks I'm crazy to still see him after he said that and totally thinks I need to confront it (so do my friends). I'm scared not to and scared to say something. I feel stupid after he said that. Also, I'm feeling stupid for letting it get physical, but it did (and ti was great) - it's hard to go backwards in a relationship. If I said soemthing it would not be w/ pressure abot things but just to ask if he feels that way (because if he does I don't want to continue seeing him). IT will also be interesting to see when I hear from him this week. I won't contact him first this time. It's late Monday night now. Any advice?? THANKS!!

[Scout]

Just wait for him to contact you again this time. I feel that he's warming up to the idea of you two seeing each other again, but he's like a feral cat, sort of, at this point. You can't push too hard, even though you want answers NOW. I would seriously recommend you resist the urge to push for them. Wait until you two have seen each other a couple more times, making sure each evening is fun and happy. Then, you might ask him for a "temperature check" of how he feels things are progressing.

 

Yes, he said he didn't see things as long-term potential, but his actions have shown he's giving things an honest review. What people think and speak today changes tomorrow. It's just the way it is. You have to have a little faith in that. And remember everything I said before about respecting his need for a certain pace, too.

 

If all this still feels like too much for you, then in your heart, you don't really think he's worth the effort, or...you're being too impatient. If it's the former, there is nothing wrong with that. Just don't confuse the two.

[jamiek]

Thanks! It's just that after he dumped me out of nowhere and then wasn't in touch and then told me that at lunch (and displayed lots of mixed messages) it's hard for me to trust him. Mixed messages hurt trust. I do think he thinks of us as seeing each other again (just not exclusively). When he came to pick me up he looked very nice and I told him that. I asked why he was dressed up and he said "a date with Jamie" – it was cute. I have such trust issues with him that I sometimes wonder now if he's full of it I can respect his pace, I just wish I heard something like "I'm not sure of a future between us bt let's just take it slow and see" instead of there isn't one! Thanksgiving will be here in 3 weeks and my family is 3,000 miles away (his is here). I'm not counting on an invite but it would be nice – I'm preparing myself. We don't have to be in love or exclusive, it would just be nice seeing that I'm alone out here for the holiday and we're "friends". I know I'm jumping ahead of myself but I like to prepare for things! I'll kep quiet as you suggested for now. I'll need to figure out the right words to do a temperature check after a few more dates. 2 Questions:

1. What about this "active within 24 hrs" link removed stuff?? (I feel like he's still looking for better)

2. I know this is personal, but should I be holding back on letting him stay the night / getting so physical at this point (when we're "not exclusive")?

 

Thanks again – hope things are going well w/ your guy!

 

Jamie

[Scout]

Maybe you should just ask him where things are at. He's the only who really knows. But if you do, I would pose the question in a positive way: "I've really been enjoying our time together, and feel that we have a second chance to rebuild things, and I'm fine with doing it at a slower pace. How do you feel about things? Are we on the same page?"